As we neared the drugstore I tried not to pick up the pace. I knew that if he was going to say something it would be now. But we made it all the way inside without so much as a: ‘I read your notebook. That’s some messed up stuff in there.’ And once the coffees had been handed out and dry-cleaning hung on the rack, Ethan collected his pile of drugs, loaded them in his bag and left with barely a nod in my direction.
I busied myself restacking shelves and made a point of not thinking about Ethan – every single time his curvy lips and muscly forearms crept their way into my mind.
Mom let me go just before two, which was perfect timing to make my appointment. I headed straight for the hairdressers, forbidden excitement bubbling up inside almost as much as the fear that I was about to make a very big mistake. And pay for it … in another world.
‘What do you want to do?’ the hairdresser asked, chewing on gum and holding out my long dreary hair.
I swallowed, watching in the mirror as her fingers combed through my hair. ‘Can you just make it look good? You can cut off as much as you want, and colour it too. Darker.’
She looked at me like I was an unwrapped Christmas present. ‘I can do anything?’
I hesitated. ‘As long as you didn’t know me and hate me in a past life, yeah. I … I’ve never coloured my hair and it’s always been really long. I want a change and I figure you know what you’re doing, right? Just …’ I looked at myself in the mirror, taking in my miniskirt, fraying tank top and boots. ‘Make it suit me.’
She smiled. ‘I’ve got you covered, hon. Sit back and relax.’
So I did.
Mrs Jefferies delivered Maddie home right on 6 p.m. When I opened our front door, Maddie’s eyes lit up and she started jumping up and down on the spot.
I couldn’t help the goofy grin on my face.
‘Binie, you look so cool!’ she wailed, hugging me tight.
‘Thanks, Mads,’ I said, wriggling out of her hold. I was usually happy to have her attached to me, but today, with all the thoughts I’d been pretending not to think, her affection left me feeling ashamed.
I waved to Mrs Jefferies, who was still in her car, and took Maddie inside. She continued to ooh and ahh over my shaggy, almost-black, styled cut which gave me more edge than I’d ever dreamed possible.
I’d stopped by Thrifty Tunes on the way home and Capri almost fell over herself before teasing that Davis would now never leave me alone. I’d just laughed and soaked it in. I’d never had a makeover before and I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I was loving it.
With Maddie pawing over my hair, in between drawing on my cast and telling me it was so, so pretty, it made it easier to keep up the act. Helped me not consider just how much of a problem I’d have on my hands if, come midnight, I Shifted to Wellesley – and back into Dex’s arms – with short, shaggy black hair.
By the time Maddie had finished drawing a family of bunnies I set about making us dinner, figuring Mom would work late. As for Dad, he’d taken one look at my hair when I’d walked in the door, picked up his keys, and said he’d be back later.
I hadn’t been surprised. I knew he wouldn’t like it. Of course, that didn’t mean some part of me hadn’t held out hope – and wasn’t hurt. But I’d sensed he’d wanted to launch into one of his ‘we don’t do all this work for you to go around looking like a tramp’ lectures, so at least silence was better than that. And gone were the days when he could drag me back to the hairdresser and demand she fix it. He’d probably just come home drunk and crash. He didn’t get drunk that often – only when one of us disappointed him by not ‘being our best’. Hypocritical, much?
After our macaroni and cheese, Dad stumbled in right on cue, went straight into his and Mom’s room and shut the door, leaving behind a waft of bourbon. I distracted Maddie until the banging around stopped. Despite my parents’ flaws, they never took anything out on Maddie. She was the sun. For us all.
By the time Mom got home I’d read Alice in Wonderland cover to cover, twice, and just managed to convince Maddie to stay in her bed and go to sleep. Mom looked at my hair and sighed.
‘Well, it’s definitely different.’
Her way of saying she didn’t like it. She sighed again, looking towards her closed bedroom door.
‘I take it your father has seen?’
I nodded, looking at my feet. ‘He’s crashed for the night.’
Mother’s intuition finally kicked in and her look softened. ‘It’s such a big change, Sabine. I’m just not used to it.’ She smiled weakly. ‘But the cut is already growing on me.’ Translation: the colour isn’t.
‘It’s fine. Not everyone has to like it, just me, right?’ I said, not waiting for her response. ‘There’s leftovers in the fridge if you’re hungry.’
Mom shook her head, her exhaustion obvious. ‘No, thanks. Straight to bed for me tonight.’
It was the reply I’d been hoping for. ‘Me too.’
As soon as Mom was in her room, I slipped into the bathroom and closed the door. I took my time organising everything, needing it to be just right. Maybe delaying a little too. I couldn’t decide what kind of blade to use, so I grabbed a pair of scissors and a shaver and wrapped them up in a towel along with everything else. It took a few trips, but when I was finally back in my room I wedged a textbook under the door. The last thing I needed was for Maddie to barge in on me.
I placed most of the items on my bed, then took the roll of toilet paper and put it, along with a bowl of warm water, on my bedside table. I paused a number of times to remind myself to breathe, but once I had everything arranged and was sitting on the towel there was no reason left to delay.
First thing – I ran a lighter flame over the blades.
It was slow going to start. Scissors weren’t a good idea. I’d misjudged just how hard it would be. Forcing myself to make the cut was bad enough – using almost-blunt scissors was impossible. By the time I’d hacked away at my thigh for a while, sucking in sharp breaths each time I tried to make a quick cut, I had to accept the scissors weren’t creating enough impact.
But I couldn’t give up. I needed to be sure.
The rules had changed. At least, that’s what I was starting to believe. Ever since I’d woken up in Wellesley minus one broken arm, I’d been thinking. Reminiscing over all the times I’d imagined what it would be like if the physical didn’t cross over. I remembered how Casey Tulin slit her wrists in Junior Year, and while everyone else was mourning I was daydreaming. If the physical didn’t cross over … maybe I could …
I didn’t agree with Casey’s decision, but my situation was entirely different. I’ve always felt deep down that by having two lives they somehow cancelled each other out. That maybe the end of one life could mean the start of my first real one.
That’s all I’d ever dreamed of.
I’d cried myself to sleep for so many years. Confused, distraught, not knowing why I was different from everyone else. Not knowing why I wasn’t enough in either one of my worlds. Not knowing who I am …
If there was a chance … If I could make it so there was only one of me …
I growled in frustration and dropped the scissors. They weren’t doing anything substantial.
I moved on to the razor blade, warm tears slipping down my cheeks. I started with my right thigh again, selecting the same area. My hands trembled, but I managed to get a few clean swipes of the blade across my skin. The result wasn’t exactly what I’d planned. Using a disposable razor only allowed for a surface cut: three in my case – triple blade. What it did do was cause a lot of blood. It seemed like as soon as I wadded the toilet paper and covered the cut, it was already drenched.
More tears flowed. I wanted to stop, to figure out another way. But I knew there wasn’t one. I needed to know if the blood theory worked; if what happened to my body in this world was only going to affect this body and not my other. Knowing this might be the key to a future I actually wanted.
I took a few deep breaths and w
aited for the bleeding on my leg to slow. Then I covered the cuts with plasters and slipped into a pair of sweat pants.
I opened my bedroom door a crack. No light. The house was silent. I let the door swing just wide enough for me to slip out without it creaking. My heart thumped in my chest as I made my way downstairs. I felt like every step, every breath, was so loud that at any second Mom or Dad would come rushing out of their room and catch me in the act.
In the end, it took a while to find what I was looking for. Someone had put it away in the wrong drawer. By the time I’d placed it carefully under the side elastic of my underwear and shuffled back to my room, I’d built up a light sweat of pure panic. It was twenty minutes before my hands stopped shaking and the churning in my gut settled down.
Once I’d steadied myself, I concentrated my efforts on the base of my ribs, hoping it was the right choice. I figured it was one of the safest, most discreet areas. Until I knew more I didn’t want to go making a terrible mistake.
You see … I didn’t want to die.
It was the exact opposite.
I wanted to live.
I used the lighter to burn off the edge of the filleting knife I’d just lifted from the kitchen. It wasn’t the biggest – but oh, it was the sharpest.
To my surprise, it made everything a lot easier. After a couple of false starts I managed to talk my hand into holding the knife with enough pressure to make a decent cut.
‘Shit,’ I said over and over as I tried to clean up. I used the warm water and toilet paper. Kept up the pressure until the bleeding slowed and then applied the antiseptic cream I’d five-fingered from the drugstore before putting on a few big plasters. Afterwards, I paced around my room, which meant four small steps in each direction. It wasn’t much of a workout, but it gave me time to think.
‘Shit.’
I sat back down on the towel, pulled off my T-shirt and picked up the knife again. Today wasn’t the day to be half-assed.
‘One more,’ I whispered, nodding myself on as I placed the blade on the back of my upper arm. I tried to swipe the knife across in one quick movement, but I chickened out mid-slice, releasing the pressure, and barely scratched the surface.
‘Shit.’ I shook out my trembling hand before repositioning the knife for another go. Once the blade was in the right spot I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and pulled it across my arm with no intention of going back for a third go.
I didn’t need to.
It took a while for the bleeding to slow down. Half an hour after I’d bandaged it up, it had bled through and I had to start the dressing process again. I suspected this one could have done with a few stitches, but that was definitely not going to happen.
Eventually the bleeding settled and I put everything away, hiding it in the bottom of my closet. I got into bed to count down the minutes.
There was no way to stop the panic. I had to run down to the bathroom twice to throw up. Partly at knowing what I’d just done to myself, partly the same sickness I always felt this close to midnight – and in very large part because I had not, for one moment, forgotten what would be waiting for me the second I went through the Shift.
But there was still one more thing to do.
At twenty minutes to midnight, I swallowed five laxatives.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Wellesley, Saturday
Reflexes took over before I could stop myself.
I knew what – who – it was suffocating me. I’d been waiting for the Shift and trying to prepare myself, but the second I slipped back into my other self, back into my green dress, back into the basement and Dex’s arms, his warm face and wet lips slap up against mine, I snapped.
Sometimes our own strength can be a real surprise. Mine sure-as-shit surprised Dex when – somewhere around what must’ve been second seven or eight of his kiss – I launched him clear across the pitch-black basement. He fell into something that tumbled with him to the ground, making a loud clanking sound.
Too preoccupied with trying to breathe and hold off another bout of nausea, I barely even heard his response. Something about ‘what’ and ‘hell’.
I felt the same way.
He clattered about getting to his feet. I opened my mouth to start a long-winded apology, hoping I wouldn’t throw up on him in the process, when the door flew open at the top of the stairs.
‘Whoever is down there, get up here. Now!’
It was Lucas. Come to the rescue a little late.
‘Luc, it’s me,’ I said, bracing myself with my hands on my knees.
His tone changed from heated to hesitant. ‘You okay? Who’s down there with you?’
Oh, fab. Inquisition.
I swallowed, still trying to pull myself together and stop the shakes. It didn’t help that the effects of the alcohol in my system had hit me like a freight train. The light from the stairwell gave a dim glow to the room. Dex was moving towards me, hands out cautiously.
‘It’s just me and Dex,’ I called back. ‘Luc, can you hold the door? We’ll be up in a minute.’
He grunted in reply.
Dex stopped in front of me as I grappled for words. I had no idea how I was going to fix this. ‘I’m so sorry, Dex. I … I just … You caught me by surprise. I think I’ve had more to drink than I –’
‘Sabine,’ he said carefully, hands still out like he was approaching a wild animal. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Yes, I’m so sorry …’
I was mid-headshake when he cut me off again. ‘Sabine, you’re bleeding.’
My whole body froze.
It hadn’t worked.
My mind flew into overdrive. What was I going to say? How was I going to explain this? Oh, shit – my hair!
‘I … I can explain –’
‘Here.’ He passed me a scrunched-up cocktail napkin from his pocket. ‘You must’ve snagged it.’
Stunned, I looked to where he was gesturing with the napkin.
The scratch on my right arm. The scratch!
I grabbed at my left shoulder frantically, patting it down, followed by my ribs. And then I went to town with the crazies and yanked up my dress to look at my thigh.
Nothing.
I ran my hands through my hair. Long. Normal.
‘Ah, Sabine? You okay?’
‘Oh, yeah. I, um, I bumped into a few things when I came down here. I was just checking I didn’t have any other scratches. You know, I, er … didn’t want to damage the dress.’
Dex nodded as if this sounded reasonable enough.
‘Sabine! Are you coming up?’ Lucas called out.
We started walking up the stairs. Dex was rubbing his elbow.
‘I’m really sorry, Dex.’
‘Hey, don’t worry about it. I’m sure I can think of a way you can make it up to me,’ he said slyly.
I looked at him and smiled. It seemed to satisfy him and I was glad – I couldn’t think of a single thing to say.
Lucas eyed me disapprovingly as I passed by. ‘I suggest staying out of the basement in future if you can manage it. It’s never easy to throw off a basement-girl reputation – even for you, Sabine,’ he said quietly.
In the kitchen Dex insisted on fussing over me, honourably tossing topless girl her blouse and telling her and the guys to get lost while he cleaned my arm.
‘It’s just a scratch,’ I said, uncomfortable with the attention.
‘So you keep saying,’ he said. I stared at him blankly. I hadn’t realised I’d said anything since leaving the basement.
I needed to regroup. This was my party and if I didn’t get it together it would be a disaster. And in this life I simply couldn’t afford the social downfall. Not after all the work I’d done to secure my reputation.
‘Dex, I’m …’ I started, straining for something to reassure him after my antics downstairs. ‘I … I’ve made some plans for graduation night.’
Dex kept working on my arm, but his eyes came up to meet mine. ‘Plans?’
‘Yeah,
you know … you and me plans.’
His eyes widened. ‘Oh! I see. Plans.’
I nodded, blushing.
The corners of his mouth went up. ‘Plans sound good.’ He went back to his doctoring, putting a plaster on my arm. ‘You should probably get a tetanus check. You don’t know what you might have cut yourself on down there.’
I nodded just as Miriam came gliding into the kitchen.
‘Woah. You okay, Sabine?’ She paused in the doorway. Miriam doesn’t do blood.
‘I am now, thanks to Dex.’ I hopped off the counter and planted a kiss on Dex’s cheek, making a quick getaway before I had to divulge any more about the ‘plans’.
I slipped an arm through Miriam’s on my way out of the kitchen to cover my shaking hands. As we headed to the pool she proceeded to tell me in graphic, and unwanted, detail about her last thirty minutes with Brett. In my bedroom.
Some things are best left unshared.
Someone passed me a drink and despite still feeling sick and light-headed I sipped on it, claiming a layback chair at the head of the pool. The next two hours passed by in a welcome blur.
At last Lucas shut off the music.
No one seemed to mind, and I couldn’t have been happier to hear the pounding stop. Lucas launched into adult mode: patrolling, telling kids to get lost, checking that the drinkers weren’t driving. Then he simply up and left. That was Lucas.
I figured he didn’t want to stay behind and explain any of the night to Mom, who walked in about five minutes after he left, took one look at me and ordered me upstairs to bed.
I guess it was obvious I was drunk.
Her parting words informed me we’d be having a more in-depth discussion in the morning. I nodded and told her tipsily I was looking forward to the follow-up.
By some miracle, I managed to get out of my dress and into my pyjamas before I collapsed, face first, onto my bed.
When I woke up, it took no time at all for everything to come flooding back. It felt like reality reached out and walloped me across the face. Hard.
I was out of bed and in front of my mirror in an instant, staring at the same image of myself I always saw in this world – if a little puffy around the eyes. My long brown hair was stuck to one side of my face and hung down to just above my waist. I lifted my top to show a very normal bare expanse of skin over my ribs and belly, and both my legs and arms were unmarked save for the relatively small scratch I’d received in the basement.