“Okay.”
They kissed one last time and then said good-bye.
Clay had been restless all night, dreading the airport scene. He kept telling himself the same thing he'd told her. Christmas was only a month away. But now, as he turned his Jeep into the airport parking lot, December 25 felt like a lifetime away. The three of them were quiet as they walked into the concourse and Jamie checked her bags with the attendant.
Boarding passes in hand, they found a place near a concession stand where they were out of the flow of traffic. Sierra took the lead. “Bye, Clay.” She hugged his waist and gave him a teary smile. “Thanks for a fun time.” She glanced at Jamie, and then crooked her finger in his direction. “C'mere. I wanna tell you a secret.”
“Okay.” He bent down so she could whisper whatever she wanted to say. “What's the secret?”
She cupped her hands over her mouth and pressed them on either side of his ear. “I wish you were my second daddy, Clay. Wouldn't that be great?” She leaned back, her eyes dancing. Then she came in close again. “But don't tell Mommy, 'cause she told me telling you that might make you confused.”
Clay's heart soared, but he checked his reaction. Grinning at Jamie, he whispered back at Sierra. “Can I tell you a secret?”
Sierra nodded.
“I wish I were your second daddy too.”
Sierra jumped back, her eyes big. “Really?” This time her voice was almost too loud. She clapped her hands and did a little circle dance. Then she hugged him again and her excitement faded as quick as if someone had thrown a bucket of water on her. She crooked her finger at him again, and once more he bent close to her. Her words were slow and sad. “Yeah, only you can't be my second daddy because we don't live in the same place.”
He looked at Jamie and she gave him an understanding smile. They had time; if Sierra needed this private conversation with him, he had Jamie's approval. He cupped his hands over her ear and whispered back to her. “Let's pray about that. And maybe one day there won't be so much space between us, okay?”
Sierra took a step back. Her expression was still sad, but a smile played on the corners of her lips. “Okay, Clay.” She hugged him one last time. “Good-bye.”
He ran his hand along the back of her head. “Good-bye, Sierra.”
She pointed to a drinking fountain a few feet away. “Can I get a sip, Mommy?”
“Sure, sweetie.” Jamie looked at Clay. “I guess this is good-bye.”
“No.” Clay came to her, hugging her, and giving her a brief kiss. “It's only see ya later.”
Tears formed a shiny layer over her eyes and she nodded. Sierra returned and stood at her side. “See ya later, Clay.”
He watched them go. They went through security and waved one last time before heading down the hallway toward their gate. Only when he got back to his car did he realize how badly he was going to miss her, how much he wanted her in his life. Because that's when he noticed something that hadn't happened to him as far back as he could remember.
His cheeks were wet.
TWENTY-EIGHT
The weeks of December took forever to fall off the calendar.
Jamie continued volunteering at St. Paul's, but only once a week. Twice she worked a shift with Aaron Hisel, but their friendship wasn't what it had once been. At the end of the second shift, he approached her in the break room upstairs and stuffed his hands in his pockets.
“There's someone else, right?” His tone wasn't angry or defensive, but matter-of-fact. “I saw you with him once at the café.”
Jamie thought about denying it, but it was impossible. He was right, and more so every day. She ran her tongue along her lower lip and prayed for the right words. “Yes, Aaron. There is.”
He looked at the floor near his work boots and gave a slow nod. “I thought so.” His eyes found hers again and he shrugged. “I guess it never would've worked anyway. The whole faith thing, you know? We never would've agreed about it.” He paused. “I've thought about it, Jamie. I can't believe in God. I'm not ready, not even for you.”
Her heart sank. “I'm sorry, Aaron.” She touched his shoulder. “I can only tell you what I've told other people here, people who can't get past September 11.” She hesitated. “God believes in you, even if you don't believe in Him. He'll keep calling to you the way He's been calling to all of us since the beginning of time. Since Adam and Eve hid from Him in the garden.” She let her hand fall to her side. “One of these days, I know you'll hear Him, and then you'll understand. Without Him, nothing makes sense. Nothing at all.”
His lips lifted in a crooked smile. “Maybe.” He took a step back. His eyes told her he was uncomfortable, ready to end the conversation. “If that ever happens, you'll be the first to know.”
“I'll be praying.”
She hadn't seen him again after that. The days continued to pass slowly, until even Sierra seemed irritable.
“How many days, Mom?” she asked over dinner one night.
“Twelve. He'll be here in twelve days.”
She set her fork down and frowned. “That's too long. Can't we call him and tell him to come sooner?”
“He works, Sierra. He's in training.”
“But he could do training here, right, Mommy?”
The conversations were the same every night, and once in a while Jamie let Sierra have a turn on the phone when Clay called. When Jamie took over again, she and Clay talked about their days. Later, when Sierra was in bed, they talked about their feelings, about where things were headed and how they could solve the problem of the distance between them.
Jamie was still thinking about California, but she couldn't fathom leaving Staten Island. She'd grown up there. It was where she'd played with Jake as a child, where she'd gone to high school and buried her parents after their car accident. It was where she'd gotten married.
Clay wasn't opposed to moving, but his detective training had just begun. He needed to put in at least a year to finish and get grounded in the job before looking at another department. Once in a while they would agree that maybe the timing was wrong, maybe they were supposed to be good friends, an encouragement to each other and nothing more.
But as soon as she'd imagine that possibility, she'd lay in bed, sick at the thought of being apart from Clay. She could pack her bags tomorrow, couldn't she? So what if she'd lived all her life on the East Coast? That only meant she was ready for change, right? She would move to the moon to be with Clay, wouldn't she?
The options were confusing, and since the answers didn't come easy, she and Clay did their best to stay away from the hard questions.
Finally it was eight days before Christmas. Sierra was in bed, and Jamie was on the phone with Clay, telling him about Sierra, how neither of them could wait until he arrived. His flight was due in on Thursday, December 23.
“I have an idea.” Clay sounded more upbeat than usual. “Tomorrow's Saturday. Take Sierra into Manhattan. You haven't done that yet, right?”
“Not yet.” Jamie flopped onto her bed and considered the idea. “We haven't had time, really, with Sierra in school.”
“And all the hours on the phone.” Clay chuckled.
Jamie rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling. “Manhattan, huh?”
“Yes. Do it, Jamie. Spend the day there; you'll both have a good time.”
By the end of the phone call, Jamie agreed with Clay. A day in Manhattan, shopping on Fifth Avenue and taking in the Christmas lights, would do both her and Sierra good. When she told Sierra the next morning, her daughter jumped up and down. “What a great idea, Mommy. We'll wear our red gloves and pretty scarves and buy presents for Katy and Mrs. Henning and Clay and everyone we know!”
They set off after breakfast. Snow had fallen a few days before, so the scene was like something from a storybook. Crowded streets, bustling with shoppers looking for the perfect gift before time ran out. They bought Sue Henning a sweater at Bergdorf's and at FAO Schwartz they found Katy a stuffed Nala—like the one Clay had
brought for Sierra.
For Clay, Sierra picked out a pair of woolly socks, so his feet wouldn't get cold when he was riding around in his police car. Jamie bought him a new Bible—something he'd talked about one of the days they were together in Los Angeles. The store was able to engrave his name on it while Jamie and Sierra had lunch together. She found a few other items before leaving the bookstore.
They were on their way out when Jamie looked at her watch. “Well, sweetie, I think it's time to head back.”
Sierra looked alarmed. “But, Mommy, we haven't been in all the stores yet.”
“Honey, we wouldn't have time for all the stores if we stayed here two days straight.”
“I know but ” Sierra licked her lips. “What time is it?”
Jamie stared at her daughter. Usually by now Sierra would be tired, more than ready to go home. “It's three o'clock.”
Immediately, Sierra took her hand. “Please, Mommy … please can we stay longer? What about that big store down there with the Christmas tree on top, please?”
“Sierra ” Jamie's feet hurt. She wanted to play the parent card and call it a day. But maybe Sierra was getting old enough that a day in the city couldn't last long enough. Maybe it was a sign that she was growing up. She bit her lip and searched Sierra's face. “It'll be dark soon.”
Sierra jumped up and down. “That's right! That's why I want to stay; so I can see the lights!”
A chill wind passed over them and Jamie pulled her coat tighter. She made a silly face at Sierra and took her hand. “All right, missy. One more store, but that's it. Then we have to go.”
It was four-thirty by the time they boarded the ferry and headed back to Staten Island. Jamie expected Sierra to be drained, but she was bouncing around the mostly empty ferryboat like a baby chimp.
“How long till we get back?” She did a skip number three feet in either direction of Jamie. “Come on, Mommy, how long?”
Jamie tried to get a bead on her daughter, but she wouldn't stand still long enough. “Sierra, what's gotten into you?”
“Happiness, Mommy. Happiness got in me today.”
Jamie blinked at her daughter. She could hardly argue with that problem. “Shouldn't your happiness be toning down a little?” Jamie had packages stacked around her. Whatever Sierra lacked in exhaustion, she made up for it. The crowds and lights and Christmas music for hours on end had left her ready for bed.
“You didn't answer me, Mommy. How long till we get back?” Sierra twirled twice and did an impromptu tap number. “I want to take tap dancing lessons, is that okay? Katy said she's taking tap in third grade, so I wanna take them too, okay?” She tapped out a little rhythm again.
“Sierra!” Jamie's voice was half laugh, half exasperation. “Stand still for just a minute.”
Sierra stopped moving. She stared at Jamie, breathless and at attention. “Yes, Mommy. Sorry.”
“Okay.” Jamie breathed out, tired just from watching her daughter. “I'll answer your first question first. We'll be back home in twenty minutes; second question, yes. I'll consider tap dancing lessons.”
Sierra skipped around in a circle. “Goodie! Yes, it's the bestest day. I'm definitely happy, aren't you, Mommy?”
Jamie was about to order Sierra to stop again, but she couldn't. Suddenly looking at Sierra was like looking at the picture of herself. She'd been motionless for long enough, unable to hear the music of life let alone find the rhythm of it. But now she was dancing again. Just like Sierra. Jamie leaned back and smiled at her daughter.
Sierra was merely choosing life.
Fifteen minutes later they were off the ferryboat and in their car, headed home. It was dark by now, but that didn't stop Sierra. She grew more animated and talkative the closer they got to home. Jamie had long since given up the idea of curbing her enthusiasm. Instead she chuckled to herself and let Sierra carry on, bopping from a request for red hair bands to a curiosity about whether Wrinkles should get dress-up clothes in his stocking this year.
She talked all the way home, until they pulled in the driveway. Then, like a switch had been flipped, she fell silent. It wasn't until they stepped out of the car and headed up toward the front door that Jamie stopped short and gasped.
In the light from the street lamp, she saw
It couldn't be. He wouldn't have come early and surprised her, would he? He stood up and her doubts vanished. She dropped her packages and ran to him.
“Clay!”
“I guess I got my dates mixed up.” He grinned and took her into his arms. “Mmmm.” He whispered into her ear. “I missed you.”
“I can't believe you're here.” Tears stung her eyes. It was the best surprise she'd had in years. Three years, to be exact. She drew back and raised her eyebrows at Sierra. “Did you know something about this, missy?”
Sierra giggled and clapped her hands. “I didn't say anything, Clay. I kept the secret.”
Clay pulled back enough to give Sierra a high five. “Way to go!” He winked at her, the wink Jamie had come to love. “I knew I could trust you.”
“You could, Clay. You could trust me a whole lot because I didn't even say anything about—”
Clay put his hand over her mouth and gave her a gentle pull back to the porch step.
Jamie stood a few feet away. Sierra and Clay were so good together. She put her hands on her hip. “Okay, what's up?”
Sierra pinched her lips into a straight line and did the zipping motion across them. She tried to speak, but with her words trapped in her mouth, it sounded like gibberish.
Clay put his arm around Sierra and whispered something to her. Then he took something from his coat pocket, something Jamie couldn't make out. A present of some kind, maybe. He nodded at Sierra, and she did the same.
It must've been a signal, because she jumped up and ran to Jamie. “Mommy! Come on.” Sierra grabbed her hand and led her over to Clay. “It's time.”
Jamie's heart was thudding hard inside her chest. What was this? Clay and Sierra had obviously planned this moment. She held her breath. It couldn't be what she was thinking, the thing she couldn't put into words even in her head.
Not this soon, God. I'm not ready.
Daughter, I am with you. I am with you.
The answer came quick and certain, echoing through her heart and reminding her to exhale. It was okay; God was with her. He was with her and whatever was coming, He was in control. She steadied her legs. “Okay.” She forced a short laugh. “How come I'm the only one who doesn't know what's going on?” She stood in front of Clay now, trying to get his attention. The thing he'd taken out of his pocket was hidden under his arms.
Beside her Sierra giggled. She tugged on Jamie's arm. “Quiet, Mommy. Clay wants to ask us something.”
Then, as if it were happening in slow motion, Clay pulled a small velvet box from his lap. He stood and came close enough that Jamie could smell his cologne, savor the way it mixed with the fresh soap smell he always had.
She looked at him, searched his eyes. “Clay?” It couldn't be happening, could it? Was she ready? Could she ever be ready?
Sierra bounced up on her toes a few times, but she had her mouth zipped again.
Jamie's head began to spin. She was just barely able to keep focused on Clay and the thing he was doing now. He was getting down on one knee in the crusty snow, his eyes shining, his gaze never leaving hers. And he was opening the box … and there inside was a brilliant white gold solitaire diamond ring.
“Jamie ” Clay searched her eyes, her face. He took the ring from the box, slipping the box back in his pocket. “The more I think about life, the more I'm convinced of one thing.” He swallowed and shifted his position so that his other knee was in the snow now. “When you know what to do, and you know it's the most right thing in the world, then you should do it. Whether it's forgiving someone or loving someone.” He stood and took a step toward her, his face intense, serious. “Or asking someone to marry you.”
Si
erra made a slight squeal.
Jamie heard herself suck in a quick breath, and her fingers came to her mouth. She expected to reel hard one way and then the other, fall to her hands and knees, maybe even faint. It was too soon, right? Wasn't that how she'd been feeling seconds ago?
But now … as she looked from the ring to Clay, she felt strangely centered. The spinning stopped and everything faded except the words he was saying.
“Life's a fragile thing.” His expression sobered. “September 11 taught us that.” His words were a gentle caress. “For those of us who remain—all of us touched by that day—we need to find strength and hope in Christ, and to do the thing He asks us to do. Choose life.”
“Clay ” She felt like a person lost in the forest for weeks on end, a person who was only now seeing clear of the trees. In a single instant, everything she'd fretted about slipped behind her. Now all she saw ahead was a vista wide open and inviting. And if she walked toward it, she'd find a new life, a new home for her and Sierra.
She could see it all.
“Marry me, Jamie.” A smile lifted his lips and with his free hand, he framed her face. “Come be my wife in California and start life over again. Trust me that I'll cherish you as long as I live, and that I'll do everything I can to keep God at the center of us.” He winked at Sierra. “All of us.” He held the ring out to Jamie. “Say yes. Please, Jamie.”
She circled her arms around his neck and felt the tears come. “Yes, Clay.” The sound she made was half laugh, half cry. He was right; so what if they hadn't known each other for years? They weren't kids out of college, needing to figure each other out. They were adults who belonged together from the moment they first met; adults with faith at the center of everything, and a connection that rarely came around twice in a lifetime.
He drew back a few inches. Surprise and uncertainty fighting for position in his eyes. “You really will?”
Her head dipped back and she laughed out loud this time. She glanced at Sierra and pulled her into the embrace. Then she looked at Clay again. “Yes, I'll marry you.”
“And we can move to California, right, Mommy? Because I think it would be the bestest thing to live with Clay and be near Disneyland.”