Clay stared at the steaks, sizzling and deep brown at the edges. Two minutes passed, maybe three. “But you think about her, right? Once in a while?”
“Once in a while.” Eric sprinkled salt on the meat. “She was incredible, Clay. More strength than any woman I've ever known. She loved me unconditionally. We helped each other find a friendship with God. Pretty heady stuff.”
“Was she pretty?”
“Very.” Eric smiled, his eyes distant. “I'm never sure which was the bigger miracle. That I came home completely in love with my wife, anxious to spend time with Josh, a changed man, really.” He looked at Clay. “Or that I was able to walk away from Staten Island.”
Laura and Josh were approaching them, carrying a big bowl of zucchini and strawberries. Laura smiled first at Eric, then at Clay. “Josh says he gets the strawberries.” She stopped and hugged Clay. Her eyes were serious, concerned. Probably because of the gunfight. “How are you?”
“Fine.” He cleared his throat. The conversation about Staten Island was over, and he could sense from his brother's body language that Eric was glad. Clay doubted they'd ever talk about it again.
Josh moved in beside Eric and, under Eric's guidance, the boy began turning the steaks. Laura was persistent. “I was so worried about you, Clay.”
Of course she was. She still cared about him, the same as always. The fact that they'd crossed a line or two back in the months after the terrorist attacks probably never figured into her thinking.
She took a nearby chair, her brow knit together. “We watched it on TV and they showed your car.” Laura put her fingers over her mouth. “Clay, it was awful. I can't believe you didn't get hit.”
“I was praying big time.” Clay took the chair opposite Laura. The smell of the steaks filled the air. Dinner would be nice, and then he'd be on his way. Until then, this was good; keeping his thoughts on the current day, the matters at hand. “I was on the floorboard and I could hear him coming closer. He'd already fired at me, so I knew he wanted to take me down.”
Josh's eyes got wide. “That's crazy.”
“It was.” Clay worked his fingers into the muscles at the back of his neck. “I was asking God for a way out, and all of a sudden I knew. If I didn't look over the dash and at least try to stop the guy, I'd be dead in a few seconds.”
Laura shuddered. “I haven't stopped thanking God ever since I heard.”
“Dad says you're a good shot.” Josh grinned at him. “All the kids at school thought it was way cool that you are my uncle.”
Clay felt himself relax. How could he need a break from this? His family loved him, cared about him. “Thanks, Josh.”
“Well—” Eric turned and looked at them—“Josh is doing wonders with the steak. We'll be ready in about five minutes.”
Laura popped up and headed for the patio door. “I'll have everything ready inside.” She looked at Clay. “Come help me.”
He could hardly say no. He followed her into the kitchen as a memory came screaming back at him. After the Twin Towers collapsed, Laura had been frozen with shock. For five days she did little more than stare at the television and wait for Eric's call. From the first day on, the kitchen—this same kitchen—had been his territory. He made all meals, fed Josh, and helped the boy with his homework.
“You're quiet today.” Laura led the way and handed him the bowl of zucchini. “Wash and slice. The pan's on the stove.” She took up her position beside him and began rinsing the strawberries. “You sure everything's okay?”
Her chatter interrupted his thoughts, pulling him back to the here and now. Where he wanted to stay, no matter how much his heart refused to cooperate with him. The whole thing was ridiculous. He grabbed a zucchini from the bowl. “I'm fine. Just thinking about New York, I guess. I'm anxious to go.”
“Eric was saying something about that.” She set into a routine, rinsing a berry, pulling the stem from the top, and tossing it into a china bowl next to the sink. “I think it'll be good for you, Clay.” Her eyes met his. “You need something different.”
Clay held her gaze. Was she talking about having time away from them, time to find a life of his own? He wanted to ask, but he was afraid of where the conversation would go. “Yeah.” He looked back at the vegetables. “The change'll do me good.” He finished washing and sliced them into a pan already seasoned with oil. “They're making me a detective when I get back. That's the good news.”
“Really?” Laura grinned at him over her shoulder. “Congratulations!”
“The time in New York will get me ready.” He put the lid on the zucchini. “Funny how things work out.”
Laura put the bowl of berries on the table and cleared away Josh's homework. “Could you hand me four plates?”
“Sure.”
“They're in the—” Her eyes caught his. “I guess you know where they are.” This time something in her expression told him he'd been right earlier. He must've been.
Again the motions were familiar. Reaching for the right cupboard, finding the plates as easily as if they were his own. He decided to take a chance. “It feels funny, working in here again. Brings back a lot of memories.”
He felt Laura come a few steps closer, felt her wait until he was looking at her. “I couldn't have gotten through it without you.” She tilted her head. “But sometimes I worry about you, Clay.”
“Why?” He forced a laugh. He took the stack of plates and passed them to her. He tried not to notice the way their fingers brushed against each other in the transition. “The police work, you mean. The danger?”
“No.” Her eyes were softer than before. “I've been praying for you, do you know that?”
“Since the shooting?”
“No.” Her voice was clear and quiet and her eyes reached all the way to his soul. “Since Eric came home.” She set the plates in a stack on the table. “I want you to find someone, Clay. If …”
He took a step closer. “Go ahead. Say it, Laura.”
She let out a small sigh and looked at the floor. When she looked up he knew for certain that she understood how he felt—that he had no intention of coming between her and Eric, but somehow that wasn't enough to stop him from caring about her. Sometimes too much.
She took his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, then released it. “If Eric hadn't come home, I'd be your wife by now. I believe that, Clay. You're a wonderful man, and I was falling hard for you when Eric came home. We both know that.”
“Does Eric?”
“Yes.” She stared at the ceiling and drew in a slow breath. “My marriage to Eric was a formality, it was all but over when he left for New York that September day. He knew that.” She looked at him again. “You know what he told me?”
Clay wasn't sure he wanted to know. “What?”
“He told me if he hadn't survived, he would've wanted you and me together.”
Clay had no idea how to react. He searched Laura's eyes for a minute and then walked past her. He grabbed a handful of forks and knives and carried them to the table. Then he turned to her again. “So that's why you think I need a change of scenery?” He wasn't mad. He simply wanted to know her feelings.
“I have Eric. Things are different for me.” She took a stack of napkins from the counter and placed them one per setting. When she was finished she found his eyes again. “But if I didn't, if I were in your place, I'd still be in love with you, Clay. That's how strongly I felt for you.” She gave him an understanding smile. “Sometimes I catch you looking and I wonder … if maybe you still feel that way about me.”
“I don't. I—” Clay stopped himself. Her eyes told him instantly that she didn't believe him. “Laura, I wouldn't do anything to come between you and Eric.”
“I know that.”
“I hate that I think about you at all.”
“Thanks.”
He sat on the arm of the closest chair. “You know what I mean. I want to forget those three months ever happened.”
“Really?” Lau
ra gave him a small grin.
“Come on, Laura, quit kidding.” He chuckled. “It isn't good for me to remember it. I'm happy for you and Eric, but sometimes … yeah, sometimes I wonder. And when I do, I beat myself up trying to forget you were ever more than my brother's girl.”
She lowered her chin. “That's why I'm praying for you. New York's a vibrant place, from what I hear. Why don't you go there and do something crazy? Meet a perfect stranger and ask her for a walk in Central Park. I don't know.” Laura ran her hand over her straight blonde hair. “God has a plan for you, Clay. Maybe New York is part of it.”
The patio slider opened, and Josh led the way with the platter of steaks. “Dad says I'm ready for Beverly Hills.”
“The boy has the touch.” Eric breathed on his knuckles and rubbed them on his shoulder. “Chip off the old block.”
Clay caught Laura's eyes one more time before they sat down, and that was it. Another conversation that wasn't bound to come up again.
That night, as Clay drove home, he thought about the evening. How was it he'd had such strange talks with both Eric and Laura? Must've been the fact that he'd almost been killed. Or that he was leaving for New York in a few days.
Something had triggered it.
Whatever it had been, it felt good that Laura knew his feelings. Better still, that she understood. Laura was right about New York City. He should talk to strangers, make friends with the guys in the program, find someone to take in a Broadway play. Why not? He'd only be there three weeks. After that he could come home and start life as a detective. When he did, he promised himself something.
He would get more connected at church, if not his church, another one in the Valley. He would look into the church's singles group or join a Bible study. After all, the people there had everything in common with him. Only by walking through the doors of a church would he ever find someone to fall in love with.
Because maybe Laura was right about that too. She'd been praying for him to find someone, and he'd been praying the same thing. And if this was the time in his life when he might meet someone and fall in love, he knew one thing for certain.
It wouldn't be in New York City.
SEVEN
Jamie still had her hair in a towel when the doorbell rang.
She darted down the hall and leaned into Sierra's room. “I've got it, honey. Keep getting ready.” Then she took the stairs as fast as she could. “Coming.”
It was Aaron, of course. He was meeting them at her house, taking them to lunch, and then to Chelsea Piers. Sierra had been wanting to visit the indoor pool there, and that Saturday morning was the perfect opportunity.
There was just one problem.
Jamie opened the door and glanced back up toward Sierra's room. She hadn't told her daughter that Aaron was coming. She meant to, but time had gotten away from her and now it was too late.
“Oh.” She smiled at Aaron. “Sorry, come on in.”
“Hi.” He was dressed in a denim button-down shirt and jeans a shade lighter. His look took her by surprise. She was used to seeing him in his FDNY uniform—that was what he wore to work at St. Paul's, and what he had on just about every time they'd ever gone out for a meal. “I'm early.”
“That's okay.” She nodded toward the living room. “Do you mind waiting?”
“Not at all.” He smiled at her, but it wasn't the easy smile they'd shared for the past few years. Jamie's skin crawled, and she chided herself. He'd been to her house before. Why couldn't she see this as just another visit, another chance to spend an afternoon with a friend who'd come to mean a great deal to her?
She gave Aaron a quick smile and hurried back up the stairs. She knew the answer. Nothing would ever be light between them again. Not until she either agreed that it was time to think of being more than friends, or until she put the idea to rest.
Even if she did that, she was pretty sure things wouldn't be the same. She would always know his intentions, and that was bound to make things awkward. The towel fell off her head as she rounded the corner into her bedroom. Their bedroom. Hers and Jake's. She hated when she slipped and thought of it as only hers. It had been theirs; it would always be theirs.
She tossed the towel in a laundry basket and set about drying her hair. If only he hadn't come early. She needed to finish getting ready and find Sierra. Before Sierra found him.
Five minutes later, she was dressed and on her way to find Sierra when her daughter stepped out of her room and stared down through the entryway toward Aaron. She made a face and looked at Jamie. “What's he doing here?”
“Sierra!” Jamie held a finger to her lips and closed the distance between them. “He's coming with us.”
“To Chelsea Piers?” Her voice was loud and whiny; Aaron was bound to hear her. “I thought it was just me and you, Mommy.”
“Look.” Jamie took her daughter by the hand and led her back into her bedroom. “I'm sorry; I should've told you he was coming. But don't be rude, Sierra. That isn't like you.”
She knit her blonde eyebrows together. “But why's he have to come? I wanted it to be just us. You and me.”
“Mr. Hisel wants to be our friend; sometimes Mommy needs a friend, okay?” Jamie straightened herself and made an attempt to fix her hair. “Try to understand, okay, honey?”
Sierra's shoulders drooped a notch. “Okay.”
They headed down the stairs together. Jamie had to remind herself to smile so Aaron wouldn't think anything was wrong. The plan was for a round of miniature golf followed by an hour in the pool. Jamie had hinted that she might swim too. But with Aaron along, she had no intention of getting into a bathing suit.
Aaron smiled at her, a smile that told her he was in no hurry. Not that morning for their outing, and not when it came to his interest in her. Jamie felt herself relax. There was no need to feel strange and awkward. This was Aaron Hisel, the man she'd counted on and shared her deepest sorrows with. Certainly they could share a day at Chelsea Piers together without her feeling all tied up in knots.
He crossed the old wooden floor and came up to Sierra. “Looks like we've got us a fun day ahead, huh?”
“Yes, sir.” Sierra shot Jamie a look, but at least she remembered to keep both her expression and her tone pleasant.
They headed for Jamie's van, and when Aaron climbed into the front seat, Sierra hesitated and looked at Jamie. No words were needed; Jamie could read her daughter's thoughts perfectly.
Small talk filled the ride, and Sierra remained silent. It wasn't until they were finished golfing and Sierra was in the pool that Aaron finally turned to Jamie and frowned. “She doesn't like me, does she?”
Jamie tried to look surprised. “Who? Sierra?” She forced a chuckle. “She's a seven-year-old, Aaron. She imagined our trip one way, and when it wasn't how she pictured it, she got an attitude. It has nothing to do with you.”
Aaron put his hand on her knee. “Come on, Jamie, it's okay. I'm not Jake and I never will be. I won't ever try to take his place. I can understand if Sierra feels funny having me around.”
Having him around? Jamie felt her head start to spin. He was talking like they'd already made a commitment to each other. She was probably supposed to be reassured by the fact that he didn't want to replace Jake, but what exactly did that mean? That if by some turn of events they wound up together, he wouldn't try to be a father to Sierra? That he'd treat her with kindness and civility but never the passionate love of a daddy?
It was too much for Jamie. She glanced at her knee and felt her breath catch in her throat. It was one thing for them to be together when they worked at St. Paul's or when they ate together at Battery Park. But here? With Sierra swimming nearby?
She stood up and collected her purse. “Want something to drink?”
Aaron lowered his brow. “Weren't we talking?”
“Yes, but …” She massaged her throat. “The chlorine in here. I'm dying of thirst.”
“Okay.” He made a sound that was almost a chuckle. ?
??Get me a Coke, if you don't mind.”
Jamie felt anger bubble its way through her veins as she walked away. She did mind, in fact. She minded that she wasn't in the pool with her daughter, and that Aaron wanted a relationship with her. And most of all she minded that Jake had died in the first place. He should be here now, splashing and swimming with Sierra, picking the little girl up and tossing her into the water until she couldn't breathe from laughing so hard.
She minded all of it.
After she paid for the drinks, she stepped into an alcove, where she could see Sierra through a long window. God … what am I doing here with Aaron? I'm not ready for this, I'm not.
Daughter, be still.
The holy whispers skimmed across the rough waters of her soul, calming the wind and whitecaps, giving her a moment of peace. Thank You, God … even now You're here. She leaned against the glass. I'm so confused.
I'm here. Be still and wait for Me.
Be still and wait? Jamie took a step back. Where had she heard that before? It was a Scripture, wasn't it? Something Jake had written about in his journal. The journal she'd read a hundred times. Be still and wait on the Lord. Yes, that was it. Be still and wait. Being still was something Jamie was never good at. Oh, she'd gotten better. Losing Jake had done that for her.
But times like this, she was glad for God's reminders.
Ever since the fateful lunch with Aaron, she'd been going a hundred miles an hour, running from the future the same way she used to run from God. Be still and wait? It was exactly what she needed to hear, what she needed to do.
She folded her arms against her waist and stared at her shoes. Her heart was still racing, still screaming at her to run or tell Aaron the truth—that she simply couldn't make herself feel something that wasn't there yet.
Calm, Jamie … be calm. God knows what you need. Bit by bit she felt the waves grow still, felt order restored to her soul. Her heartbeat slowed and she breathed in long and steady. Everything was going to be okay. Somehow the pieces of her future would come together, and the process would be easier if she didn't fight it. If she was still and waited on God.