Chapter 4- You Could Slip Off the Hill If You Try Your Way
'What happened to you, Bill?'
'Who are you?'
I asked this startling question with tears choking me and pain filling my gut. This event, though enthralling it now seems, would be a painful, enigmatic memory to me. As I looked at the picture, which Donna snapped later, I could see the veinous network framed out on my forehead. My hair had turned yellow and the eyes were completely sunken. I appeared the more frail than usual, and as announced by the doctors, I was just recovering from a strange type of coma. All their medications had failed since I had been brought to this hospice about six days ago. I appeared the more as a doddering old fool as I tried to determine who the face of the person really looked like. Through dizzy eyes and exhausted strength, I tried to complete the desideratum and greet him.
'It's me,' the voice called out, 'Jack.'
Jack! Why here of all places! Trying to overcome my fagged looked face, I let my face display a look of felicity. Quite alright, the gentle sense of humor was gone and my countenance betrayed my expressions. In fact, everything about me was just a farrago of delight and pain.
'Could this really be you, Bill?' Jack asked. 'How come? Why didn't you recognize me?'
That appeared to be some fiendish expression. I took off the fleecy body cover from me and sat down at the edge of the bed.
'Sure Jack,' I assured him.
'Well there is nothing difficult to believe, Bill. Are you sure you didn't really go astray from God's will, as I told you last time we met?'
Last three months seemed to be in the days of yore. Laughing nonchalantly, I replied, 'You're right, Jack. I tried to get up the hill.'
'And you, as well, could slip off the hill if you try your way, Bill! So what really happened?'
Taking my legs out of the bed, weakly, I replied, 'The examination.'
'What about that? I hope you didn't a wrong counsel, sorting the way of self will, Bill?'
I sighed and shrugged. With a grin at him, I responded;
'You guess right, Jack.' Sighing again, I continued, 'It is the worst thing I had ever done this year. Three of my friends at Oxford, Peter, Vaughan and Erlison, offered to help me out in the examination. I felt a little reluctant to accept Erlison's and Vaughan's offer. I concluded and went on with Peter. I didn't even bother to ask God since he bore a Christian name and also told me he was from a good Christian background.
'Little did I realize he was a member of a secret cult and I never knew that they were planning my downfall, probably because I was the best student in the last six years. It was only after my last examination that I knew their real objective. They actually sent Peter to get me into real commitment to the cult. As I was leaving the examination hall, the way I could see it, two men shot me simultaneously and with the force with which gravity seemed to pull me, I sunk to the ground. And now, the medical department, having analyzed me, said I got into emergency coma.'
'What!' Jack exclaimed.
'I must have made a mistake, Jack,' I said lamely, feeling a bit more languorous than I had been earlier.
'It's at least obvious now that God doesn't have a thing to do on that road.'
'That's actually where I made the mistake, Jack,' I whined. 'I let God down and now I'm in a dangerous situation.'
Placing his hands gently on mine, he assured me that God will wholeheartedly accept me if I repent. I just looked at him, po-faced.
'Don't doubt me, Bill. You know you're in a dangerous position and in the meantime, anything could happen.'
'Don't wish me death,' I flared at him.
'I never once said that, Bill, but it's of sinister possibility that something else could kick in if you aren't careful enough. You know you're just recovering.'
'How did you get me, Jack?' I asked a little frustrated.
'Donna told me yesterday that you were here, weak and sick, so I decided to check you out.'
'What do you have to say about 'emergency coma'?' I demanded.
He waited some minutes before replying me. 'Bill,' he began. 'It doesn't seem to me that you went through emergency coma but that God permitted that to keep you off of the hands of those that seek your life, thereby expressing his love for you.'
Had I known, I wouldn't have asked that question. Who was Jack anyway? Why does he always view things obversely? I guessed I should have driven him away from the room, but seeing my hesitation, he shrugged and smiled.
'Are you at all okay?' I asked fiercely. 'You mean you can look at all I am going through and say God permitted it all? Somehow, I wished you never came here to see me.'
'Bill,' he cackled, 'You are really funny. Don't you realize that God permitted this series of molestations just to demonstrate his love for you even when you were way out of his guidance?'
'God doesn't love me, Jack. I'm sure of that.'
He put his hand on mine and patted it softly.
‘Bill, that is the demonstration of self-life in you. You are strong-willed, incorrigible, that actually is because you insist in living your life the way it delights you. Is it possible to live a life which is out of the life-giving source? That is the reason why you are always bent towards mischief.'
'What does that mean?'
'I mean you are always seeking man's help and approval other than turning to God to decide your life-issues for you. That's why you are here.'
I couldn't believe I was hearing Jack saying this! 'But I asked God and received nothing. Although, I thought he could speak through our human reasoning and thinking, Jack.'
'It often looks as if it were so, Bill. The Holy Spirit interprets the language of God to our understanding and we certainly begin seeing it as our thinking or imagination. It does happen to sound like our thinking or imagination but it's not.' He paused a little and continued again. 'In some ways, even when God doesn't seem to respond, you will have to pray for his supreme guidance, Bill.'
'And I ended up thinking that I could fix it out,' I whined.
'In your thinking, there could be several opinions but we need to ask him for guidance to discern his.'
Seething inside and also hyperventilating at this moment, I put my fingers over my eyes. My eyes bulged out as he completed his statement.
'You can't hear God's voice when your heart is filled with other preferences. So you have to quiet down for him to speak which is the reason why he usually resorts to dreams and visions. I think God wanted you to learn your lesson to always ask his guidance in all your decisions.'
'I am angry at him,' I shouted. 'Couldn't he at least have put an obstruction to this enigma am in? How does that prove his love for me?' I asked, still seething with frustration.
'God knows what crafty beings we are, Bill.'
'What?'
'Yes he knows that if he had let you fail the exam a second time, you would still open that mouth of yours to rain insults on his name.'
'Meaning he's afraid of me?'
'Of course not, Bill. He can't be afraid of a mere dust he could blow away from his sight.'
'Then even at that, why did he let me fail at first?'
'Our failures aren't because of our weakness; inability to perform his wonderworks, but due to our trust and dependence in ourselves and other people. Don't you know that failure in his will is a hundred times greater than achievements outside his will? You could pass those exams outside his will but that would be where you really failed,' implied Jack.
'Why are your answers contradictory to everything I had been taught in church?' I queried, indignantly. 'Besides, I was, though, taught that failures aren't meant for Christians.'
'Of perhaps let's phrase it this way; that God can't reply Christians 'No'! That's so because it is only when he tries to restrain your self-actions that he uses the 'No' word. So you think God doesn't give negative replies? You had always wanted affirmative responses which are bent on self-filled actions, thereby pre
tending not to hear the negative. You then keep on asking.'
'What are you talking about?'
'Where did you ever find that, Bill?'
I tried to think out a part of the bible but I didn't come across one. I then asked him for a scriptural confirmation to which he replied, 'Do you remember Paul, in his epistle to Corinthians, saying that he was given a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of the evil one to molest him? When he asked God to take it away from him, the Lord replied him 'No'. The Lord also reassured him that his grace would be sufficient for him. But nowadays, we pretend not to hear him when he says 'no'.'
'This is really confusing.'
'It could at times be, but to bring it to your level, that is, to an easier level of understanding. For example, you want to travel to your dad's place by train and you are praying for God's protection. And when he responds you, he uses the 'No' word; that you shouldn't go that day. Just because you are anxious of making a smooth journey and that the following day is usually jammed like Saturdays, you then ignore his word. My friend, you could actually end your life that day.'
'Thanks to God, Jack, for not making that my untold misery.'
'Yeah, you can now see his love,' Jack tittered.
Lifting up a rucksack which he had laid at one end of the bed, he brought out a packaged burger and honey which he said Donna sent him to give me. I thanked God for having such a caring and responsible friend as Donna and thought of what I would have done without her by my side.
'How about Catherina Bordeaux?' Jack asked.
'I haven't seen her for some time and I don't feel bothered about her anyway. Sometimes, I think I should just forget about Catherina, even though it doesn't show my hate for her.'
As Jack proceeded to speak, he was interrupted by the doctor, who opened my ward to checkup on me. The doctor introduced himself as Errickson Jackson. I actually thought he was Jack's brother but the honorific titles Jack used to address him actually convinced me that he certainly wasn't.
'I am afraid,' Jackson continued, 'that I can't find anything wrong with you, Mr. Bill and even the tests we conducted all proved your situation wrong.'
What a homespun philosophy he gave, though he was an expert. He then asked me how I felt now and I assured him I felt the more better only just that I needed some rest. But that on its own was less sincere; I only wanted to continue our conversations. The doctor only gawped at me and gawkily left the room.
'About Catherina, there's something I haven't told you yet,' Jack said.
'Whatever it is, I don't want to know,' I nagged. 'Everything that had been happening only mystifies me; I have prayed to God innumerable times about Catherina.'
'Didn't he reply?'
'Well, I must say he did because I had a dream last month which kept on repeating itself, on and on till I told God I was okay with it.'
'How was it, Bill?' Jack queried.
'It was so life-like!' I related. 'I saw my grandfather pointing towards Catherina and shouting, 'she's not the one for you!'. What was I to do? I awoke in disbelief, but when it was repeated several other times, first with the old man, to my dad, mom, Donna and even you, Jack. I saw you Jack!'
'And what do you think God was trying to tell you?'
'Isn't it clear enough, Jack? It's even clearer than seeing someone putting on a sparkling lilac dress through transparent glasses, I must confess. But I don't want to leave Catherina, Jack. It would be empty in this hollow place,' I punched my fist to my chest.
'Meaning you want to die in self-will and doubt, Bill. God is no waster of time but he waited time out in revealing those visions to you several times.'
'You didn't wait me out enough to hear my concluding conducting comment, Jack,' I sneered at him, a little febrile. 'Two days after the dreams, while still nursing doubts, the final confirmation came. Kingsley Meyers, an associate physician in Cole and Hellidae Pharmaceuticals close to Oxford University, came to see me. He told me he had a revelation from God for me. He told me to neglect my desire to marry the person I wanted to, for God to present me a precious jewel. Since then, I didn't have a bias mind from that which the Lord said.'
'Sorry Bill, I won't play impatient games with you anymore.'
'But now,' Jack proceeded. 'You didn't want to hear me when I said I knew Catherina Bordeaux.'
'What!'
Jack! Knew Catherina? Impossible! Why haven't he told me all these while? Then I began pondering if this was some kind of set-up between Catherina and Jack and thought how mortifying it would be to have to apologize to her. I was a little livid when he told me she had been outside sometime ago and was expecting my call. I hollered in disbelief, assuring him that would never happen but he told me she actually was outside and asked if I was with my cell phone so he could give her a flash. After a moment, Catherina came in, appearing genuinely surprised to see me. Taking off her silver lorgnette, she knelt her tall, willowy figure beside the bedside, tears streaming profusely down her round tan cheek.
'Bill, I am so sorry for everything you saw that night Kim came to my house. It was all a set-up so that you would do away with me. If I could live by your side, that would be enough for me, Bill,' she whimpered.
I was totally mortified with tears forming in my eyes. I knew this was where she was going to meet her waterloo, but our longtime relationship, which though had been so persistent, made it a little more difficult. I took a quick stare at Jack. He looked at me, winked and turned his face the opposite direction, as though messaging to me that I should make a perfect choice. I looked downwards and smiled winsomely at Catherina.
'Excuse me, Bill,' Jack interrupted. 'I have to use the restroom.'
'Hold on Jack,' I hollered, gesticulating. 'We aren't through with the conversation.'
''Never mind Bill, God will create ways for more conversations with him, not with a Jack as I am. I will be back!' With that he shut the door behind him.
I told Catherina to take her seat. To put it bluntly I would have pronounced a no-more-relationship-with-you explanation but I didn't desire witnessing any further argy-bargy. I had bad news for her but I wanted to be sure that I wasn't moved by Jack to dissolve the relationship.
'Bill, are you okay?' She asked, staring austerely at me.
'Never mind Catherina, I was just thinking of something else,' I replied.
'You hate me, Bill,' she cried out her eyes, hyperventilating.
'Or perhaps, you thought I do.'
'Look Bill, I just wanted you to know it wasn't intentional at all. I knew how you risked your life, voluntarily taking flight over our porch, distance of which is feet 16 from ground level. Consider my tears; see how frail you look, Bill. I will take good care of you, just receive me again. You probably don't know Kim is dead,' she whimpered.
'What?' How is that possible? My killer is now killed? Now I can see Catherina's sensitivity. Why had she not returned when the guy was living? And now she wants to brilliantly creep into my life again and destroy me.
'He's dead, Bill! Until that my senses weren't functioning to tell me I was only berating you in public and putting our relationship into a state of discord. But now, I have accepted Jesus and I want my marriage rites renewed.'
'Thank God!' I exclaimed, though out of sense and for two reasons. First, that she had changed and that a living soul had been won to Jesus. Secondly, you know how foolish you will sound if you were trying to discover or even adjust matters with a backslidden. And you will only end up making a fool of yourself and being mortified. A new apprehension filled me when I tried to hold back what God told me to do; so I would be better dropping that out.
'You are a Christian, Catherina?' She nodded. 'Well, Catherina, I have messages from God too about our relationship,' I related, telling her just a scintilla portion of what Kingsley Meyers told me.
'Bill!' She yelled and began to blubber. 'Are you so strong-hearted as to choosing forfeiting our relationship for some jealous fellow who woul
d always resort to showing their feelings by sowing seeds of discord?’
'Get this now, Catherina. If you don't believe that then you will believe what I'm about to say now.' I grasped her arm with both hands and whispered the dream into her ears. The response to which was a sob, then a whisper and an outburst of tears.
Trying to comfort her, I had to tell her that we could just be friends. 'As though nothing happened, Catherina,' I said, tears choking me. I was surprised when she wiped her eyes and smiled. A tingle surged through my being like electricity.
'Well, Bill, it's an old saying that everything should be done as the Creator wills them to be done,' but then the next comment touched my very soul. It was as if I was set ablaze, with my whole being illuminating brilliantly.
'Or perhaps, we weren't meant for each other.'
She apologized for having to leave and I embraced her as tears welled in our eyes. As she turned to go, I restrained her with a gesture, asking if I would ever see her again but she only shrugged.
'Goodbye!' She said the words with such finality as she left and I was found gazing dreamily into space. Though I may get married, I will never forget Catherina Bordeaux.
Not long after her departure did Jack return. He tapped me ever so slightly with a wonderful smile that creased his lips.
'How did it go with Catherina, Bill?' Jack inquired.
'I explained everything to her and I was surprised she gave me an unexpected attention than I expected less. She has converted to Christianity and her expressions displayed that reality.'
'Yes Bill. One's expressions at times, if it isn't done deliberately, may as well display one's level of understanding and sincerity,' Jack said, enthusiastically. 'But not everyone that says that he's a Christian really is, Bill. These days, people have turned Christianity to mean going to Church, but otherwise it means Christlikeness. So, Bill, you got to be careful.'
Yeah! He was right. But I still wanted to know why I made the wrong choice in selecting my marriage fellow. When I asked him, he responded instantly.
'Reasons why many people make the wrong decisions,' Jack said, shaking his head. 'A man could pass through a 'serious' series of something, let's say, he used 'fleece' to build up his life or some other things, then people make it an icon to spiritual progress because it worked for the man. But not everyone can have the same spiritual journey experience. In such way, you strive to attain perfection from another person's point of view - the iconic principle. But that on its own is bent on self-strategy and not Spirit based trust.'
'But you mean you can't strive for perfection?' I asked, perplexed.
'Some try that one.' He paused and sighed, 'but it doesn't make a change in them. What does it mean to strive, Bill?'
'To struggle, by all means to achieve something,' I replied.
'Part of the struggle involves stealing another man's idea to fill the emptiness of your spiritual life. But in some ways, it's still empty in this hollow place,' he said pointing at my chest. Now, he had left my shoulder and sat in front of me on a rocking chair. 'So, Bill, the answer to your question is that perfection in Christ Jesus is purely not something you strive for but is created in you by the Father. You don't strive for it.'
'But Jack, why can't we really follow other people's way of Christian life?' I queried.
'Two answers are bound to that question. For the fact that people, with their limited sense of spiritual vision, prove something right doesn't mean God have proved it. Secondly, because God doesn't deal with people in one way. Many are lucky when they follow other people's way but if it isn't God's will for you, if you try it; well I don't need to complete that.'
'Means I shouldn't at all listen to anyone's prophecy.'
'That one misses the point again, Bill. Just the way you test every dream and vision, same way you test prophecies. And of course you should know by now that you could at times be hearing obversely from God's will. So you could test with the written word or directly ask God to put you through it by confirmation or explanation. Either could work out, Bill. But don't get into the habit of getting someone to prophesy for you when you don't know 'who-is-who'.'
A buzz of laughter filled the room. I was really now happy that Jack did come at this time, though I wasn't sure how he knew I was really in need of these 'lectures'. I was in somewhat deep thoughts of Jack.
'And so that's when you're in his will.' It was Jack speaking and I had no idea what he was trying to make clear to me. But he continued,
'That's why God deals mainly individually with people and not always collectively.'
'You mean he doesn't usually deal with us collectively but only individually?' I asked with wide eyes.
'You didn't hear me say so, Bill, did you?'
'I won't really say, Jack. But the way you sounded it made it look so.'
'I certainly was saying that he does deal with people collectively too, but not so much as he deals with us individually.'
'But why can't God deal with people in one way? At least that would make it easy for everyone.'
'Think well, Bill, about that question.'
'I don't see anything wrong with it, Jack. The difference would come if you use your iconoclastic brain to answer that question...'
A chuckle drifted through the room. 'Don't make me laugh so hard, Bill. I have made that mistake too, in the past. You know, we most times learn from our mistakes. What you are going through now is a result of your mistake but in creation of a new experience, Bill... How old do you think I am?'
'Seventy-eight, probably,' I guessed.
'No, Bill.'
'Sixty-one? Fifty-six? Seventy-four?'
'All wrong. I am not up to fifty, the cause all stemming from my inability to yield to God's will when I was twenty. We better don't bring that up anymore at least you know my age now. But what I'm saying is that such mistakes only pave way for greater success. But that doesn't mean you should make mistakes voluntarily, just because it may grow to greater success. Not everyone have time to live after such mistakes.'
'True, after all,' I commented. Now I could see that Jack may not at all be older than me. So I had to recall on my question because I thought Jack was trying to hide away or even run away from it.
'Well, Bill I told you to think on it. Have you?'
'Not in the least, Jack. It really was meant for you to answer.'
'So reasons why; if he deals with people in a way, Bill, we will fly at that and no one would be willing to sought God to know his will. None would seek to have a cordial relationship with him. But the main reason why man was created was to commune and walk with God. So you go down the hill again if you don't ask God to reveal what he has for you on this journey. I am a living example!'
Finally, Donna came and we quieted down to let her have time to read her books. It wasn't long before Jack left. But the last he said to me; ASK GOD TO FORGIVE YOU AND ESTABLISH HIS NEW PLANS FOR YOU TODAY, BILL.
And they worked in my heart. They are still working now and I'm grateful that God had put me in touch with a good friend at the right time. Now I know I could slip off the hill if I try my way. Now I realize!