Then he sings the first line and his voice . . . it’s like salted caramel, smooth and richly sweet with a grainy finish.
Hope can cleanse the darkest soul
Wash away the blue
And hope is all I can recall
The night I met you
Washed up on this shore of mine
A shell broken, cracked
Never could have known this time
You’d turn my world black
This black box
Is yours to keep
This black box
Will help you sleep
This black box
Don’t know your name
This black box
Loves you just the same
Time don’t pass for the lonely
Season’s all look gray
Time stands still when you hold me
Knowing you won’t stray
Love don’t come to the wicked
Get what’s coming back
Oh, love ain’t no white picket
No, our love is black
I don’t believe in coincidence or fate
But I know one thing for sure
Your face was meant to be
Burned into the deepest reaches
Of my blackest memories.
He sings the chorus a couple more times then he slings the guitars behind his back as the crowd cheers. He takes my face in his hands as his green eyes are fixed on mine. The sounds of applause and cheering fade away. Our eyes close and I hold my breath until I feel his lips on mine. I take a deep breath, breathing him in, then I part my lips and he swallows my exhalation.
I have never been kissed in front of anyone, much less a crowd of strangers, but I know this is a kiss I’ll never forget. Because I’ve never felt more safe or loved in my entire life than I do in this moment. And with each passing second, I find myself longing for more than just his kiss.
He pulls away and chuckles as I lean into him, seeking more. Some others must have noticed as I hear a few brief strains of laughter from the crowd.
‘Are you ready to go?’ Crush asks and I nod hastily.
Yes, I’m ready to go. I want to do that again.
*****
We make out in the back of the car all the way back to the hotel. Just kissing, with one of his hands on my knee and the other clasping the back of my neck, I’ve never felt more alive. Every tilt of his head and stroke of his tongue, every brush of his lips against mine, sends sparks of longing through me. This is what it feels like to want someone. It’s beautiful and frightening and I don’t know if I should stop it.
I push him away as I begin to feel his weight pressing me into the corner of the backseat. ‘Wait.’
‘I’m sorry. Am I pushing you?’ He sits up straight and scrunches his eyebrows. ‘You’re shaking.’
‘I’m scared. Not of you,’ I clarify. ‘I’m scared that my memories from the past will get jumbled up with my memories of you, and I don’t want that to happen.’
‘You don’t have to explain. All you have to do is say no, or wait, or stop, or piss off, or leave me the fuck alone, dipshit. I’ll never force you to do something you don’t feel comfortable doing and I’ll never make you feel guilty about that. Okay?’
I nod as the car pulls up in front of the Park Plaza. ‘Okay. But . . . is it okay if we do that some more?’
‘Do what?’
‘Kiss.’
‘We can do that as long as you want.’
In the elevator on the ride up to the fourth floor, he steals another kiss and I freeze, my body tingling as his lips travel across my jaw and up to my ear. ‘Tonight is our last night in this room. Do you still want to switch rooms with me tomorrow?’
I smile with relief as the doors slide open and I pull him out of the elevator. ‘Yes.’
I run down the corridor, giddy with excitement, like this is the last day of school. He walks behind me with a smile so warm it could halt a blizzard. I watch him as he catches up to me outside the door of our room, then I throw my arms around him.
‘You make me feel normal.’
His smile disappears and I feel like I’ve said something wrong, but he turns away and looks at the door suspiciously. ‘Do you hear voices in there?’
I don’t have time to answer before the door swings inward, pulled open by a policeman. Standing not more than ten feet behind him are another policeman, my parents, Meaghan, and Rina.
Rina looks pissed. ‘What the fuck, Mikki?’
‘Honey!’ My mom rushes me. ‘Get your hands off of her!’ she shrieks, pummeling Crush’s arms until he lets me go.
‘Mom, stop it.’ I position myself between her and Crush. ‘Stop it!’
‘Excuse me, sir. Can you please step inside?’
The officer who addressed Crush is well built and looks like he might want to do Crush some bodily harm. Crush glances at me, pure confusion in his eyes, then he squeezes past my mom and me and steps over the threshold. My mom throws her arms around my waist and her fingertips dig into my back as she hugs me tightly.
I pat her on the back then push her back. ‘I’m fine.’
‘Why didn’t you call us?’ She sounds more pissed than worried as I pry her arms from around my waist and follow Crush inside, ignoring her question.
‘Ma’am, were you being held against your will?’ The officer asks me this quite seriously as I step into the hotel room and I can’t help but laugh.
‘Are you kidding me? No, I am not being held against my will. We’re staying here cause our flight was rescheduled.’
‘Why haven’t you tried to get in contact with your family?’
The other officer with the mustache standing between Rina and my father asks this question in an accusatory tone.
‘My phone died,’ I reply defensively.
‘You could have called before it died or used the hotel phone.’ Meaghan’s pale cheeks are glistening with tears and my stomach vaults inside me knowing I’m the cause. ‘You lied to me,’ she continues. ‘You said you were going to L.A. for an interview.’
The devastation and betrayal in her eyes kills me. ‘I’m sorry. I wasn’t . . . I didn’t know . . . how it would affect you. I just wanted to leave. I just . . .’
I take a few deep breaths to try to stop the tears, but I can’t. And I can’t speak the truth aloud, that I just wanted to die, or these officers may take me in. But I don’t have to say it aloud for Meaghan to know what I mean when I say I want to leave.
Her jaw is set as I approach her. ‘You pissed all over the meaning of that book.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper, taking her into my arms.
Her arms remain slack at her sides and I bite my lip as I realize she’s right.
‘What book?’ Rina looks confused and slightly betrayed over this reference.
I’ve never shared Black Box with Rina for one simple reason: She doesn’t read books and I didn’t want to see how uninterested she would be in something that meant so much to me. I do share almost everything with her, but a part of me also feels she doesn’t deserve to know about anything that happened after she ditched me at that party three years ago.
The past four months of community college have been absolute hell for me. I’ve had three panic attacks in class. I blacked out in the middle of the quad when I heard a voice behind me that sounded like one of my attackers. And everyone just keeps trying to convince me that it will get easier with time. It probably will get easier, but it’s not getting easier any time soon. So, what? I’m just supposed to suffer with this fear that permeates every cell in my body? I know that eventually another predator will recognize that fear. Whether they will act on it is something I can’t know, but it’s a dark fear I live with daily.
The day I was raped I was taught an important but harsh lesson: An individual’s body does not belong to them if they can’t walk the streets at night without fear of being violated. The first time I was committed I learned another lesson: A person’s mi
nd does not belong to them if simply wanting to die is cause to lock them up and pump them full of anti-psychotic meds. Self-ownership is an illusion. This is a lesson I learned at a very young age. How can anyone expect a teenager to cope with that kind of realization?
‘Show them the book.’ Crush’s voice is smooth and comforting, but his words startle me.
I can’t show them the book. It’s our book. It holds the story of our fate and all the secrets of how we came to know each other.
I let go of Meaghan and her eyes are wide as she finally pieces together the identity of this guy I’ve been shacking up with. ‘It’s him?’ I nod, the tiniest of nods, and she immediately runs to him. He chuckles as she throws her arms around his waist. ‘Thank you,’ she whispers.
‘What’s going on here?’ My dad’s voice – a voice I seldom hear – feels like needle pricks in my ears. ‘How does she know him?’
I turn to the police officers. ‘Look, I’m fine. I’m better than fine. Can we please drop all the questioning?’
The officers turn to my parents then back to each other. ‘You’re an adult. We ain’t got no problem with what you do in hotel rooms. But you left a suicide note. We have to take stuff like that seriously. Are you planning on taking your life?’
‘No,’ I reply quickly.
‘Don’t believe her.’
I turn to my mom and fix her with the most determined stare I can muster. ‘I am not going to kill myself. I wrote that note in a low moment. It was a stupid thing to do.’
I don’t add that, yes, I do still want to die. But I think I can make it through another day. If I can just get a handle on the fear consuming me. And if I can be with Crush.
‘She’s tried to commit suicide twice before,’ my mom adds.
Twice that you know of, I think to myself.
‘She’s not going to hurt herself.’ Crush gently pulls Meaghan off of him so he can stand next to me. ‘I won’t let anything happen to her.’
‘And who the hell are you?’ my dad asks and, for the first time in years, I hear a bit of passion in his voice.
My father has hardly spoken to me since the night I was raped. He doesn’t even look at me unless we bump into each other in the hallway. I know he thinks I’m damaged now. He’s right. My body and my mind are damaged, but I’d like to think that my heart is still worth something.
‘I’m William.’ Crush extends his hand to my father, but the handshake is not accepted. ‘I’ve been taking care of Mikki while we wait for our flight.’
‘Taking care of? What does that mean?’
‘Exactly what it sounds like,’ I reply, unsuccessfully trying to temper the anger in my voice. ‘He gave me a place to stay in the city and he’s been keeping me safe. I’m safe here, Da.’
‘She’s safe.’ Meaghan’s voice is small and a bit nasally with congestion, but I can hear the relief in her voice. ‘This is the safest place for her, Daddy.’
A tugging on my sleeve gets my attention and Rina’s eyes are pleading with me to tell her what the fuck is going on. ‘I’ll tell you later,’ I whisper.
He’s hot, she mouths.
That jealous fire lights inside me again. Yes, he is hot. And he’s mine.
I slide my arm around Crush’s lower back and he drapes his arm across my shoulders as he plants a soft kiss on my forehead. My mom covers her mouth as she watches us, but she doesn’t say anything. She’s never pushed me to have a boyfriend, but she has dropped hints here and there. Look how happy Meaghan is with her new boyfriend . . . Rina has a spring in her step. Is it that new boy she’s seeing? Like all my problems will suddenly go away if I have a boyfriend. She’s probably looking at Crush and me now and thinking that she was right all along.
But welcoming Crush into my life did not solve my problems. I still want to die. I just want to die a little less today than I did three days ago. But I won’t deny that it’s Crush who elicited this change in me. It’s amazing how different – how much better – an average day can feel when you know you are safe and loved.
The policeman with the mustache turns to my dad. ‘You and Mrs Gladstone have the directive. You make the call here.’
‘Mikki Gladstone.’ Crush whispers this in my ear, sending a chill racing through me. It’s the first time he’s heard my last name.
‘You can’t let them take her!’ Meaghan shouts at my father and I bury my face in Crush’s neck to hide my tears. ‘If you take her you’ll have to take me. I’ll kill myself.’
I gasp as I pull my face away and look at her. ‘Don’t say that.’ I let go of Crush and grab her arms to make her face me. ‘Don’t ever fucking say that!’
I pull her into my arms and squeeze her so tight, I can feel her bones shifting.
‘They can’t take you away,’ she blubbers.
‘Don’t you ever say that again.’
She sobs into my shoulder, whispering an occasional apology. I can’t hear what everyone else is discussing, but I know something is going on when someone taps my shoulder. Instinctively, I latch onto Meaghan even tighter.
‘They’re gone,’ Crush assures us.
Meaghan and I slowly loosen our grip on one another and she’s wearing a sly smile. I shake my head. Unlike me, she has always been very good at getting her way with my parents.
‘How did you find me?’ I ask my mom.
She pries her gaze away from Crush to answer me. ‘One of Aunt Crystal’s friends saw you in the lobby and recognized you from the tattoos on your fingers. She tried to follow you guys outside to see where you went, but you were gone by the time she got out there. But this hotel must really take privacy seriously. It took a while for the hotel desk to release any information about you guys. They wouldn’t do it without a warrant.’
Meaghan laughs. ‘I was so mad. I wanted to drag that bitch over the counter and pound her right there. After we looked at the security feed, she said, “She doesn’t look like she’s in any danger.”’
I can’t help but laugh as I think of Greta at the reception desk who seemed to have some kind of silent agreement with Crush. I’m certain she knows his real identity as the son of a huge hotel magnate. I’ll have to ask Crush to thank her for stalling the police, even if it did make my family worry even more. If she had given up Crush’s information sooner, they may have tracked us down and ruined his performance at Wally’s.
‘Get your stuff. We’re going home.’ My dad issues this command with a cold gruffness, without looking at me.
‘I’m staying here. My flight is in a couple of days.’
‘You’re still leaving?’
Meaghan and Rina ask this question in unison. Only then does it dawn on me that I really have no reason to go to L.A. anymore.
Crush looks down at me questioningly. ‘Are you going to the studio with me?’
I nod as I draw in a stuttered breath.
‘What studio?’ my mom asks.
‘Cru— William is recording a song.’ Using his given name feels weird. I dig my hand into my messenger bag to retrieve the book. ‘And he gave me this book the night he saved my life.’
He smiles hugely at this announcement; not at all peeved or afraid that I just basically confessed to everyone in this room that he killed a man in that parking lot.
He takes the book from my hand and gives it to Meaghan. ‘I think this belongs to you now.’
She takes the book and hugs it against her chest. ‘Thanks.’
My dad shakes his head. ‘I don’t know what the heck is going on here.’ He turns to Crush and addresses him directly. ‘But if what they say is true. If you saved my little girl . . .’ He pauses to clear his throat as his eyes begin to water. ‘I guess I should be thanking you.’
He holds his hand out to Crush. When Crush takes his hand, my dad yanks him into a rough man-hug. My mom seizes the opportunity to give me one more hug. Rina and Meaghan get in line behind her. I’m beginning to think I’m all hugged out, until my father reaches for me.
I g
o to him tentatively and he’s so gentle as he takes me into his arms, as if he’s afraid he’ll break me.
‘Please call us later.’
I nod vigorously, thinking that I’d probably do anything he asked me to right now.
By the time they leave, my throat and face are raw, and I’m considering a nap, until I close the hotel room behind them and turn around to find Crush leaning against the kitchen counter. He looks so serious it kind of scares me.
‘What’s wrong?’
‘Were you lying when you said you’d go to the studio with me?’
‘Oh, no,’ I whisper, racing to him so I can hold him. ‘I’m sorry if that’s what you thought. I wasn’t lying. I want to go with you . . . if you’ll let me.’
Burying my face in his neck, it’s as if a switch is turned back on and that longing I felt when we were out in the corridor a few minutes ago is back. I brush my lips over the rough stubble under his jaw and he gently pulls my face away to look at me.
‘Of course I want you with me. I want you to go everywhere with me.’ I lean forward to kiss the corner of his mouth and he chuckles. ‘Are you listening to me, Mikki Gladstone?’
‘Oh, God. You’d better not start calling me by my full name.’
He pulls my head back again so he can look me in the eyes. ‘Thank you.’
‘For what?’
‘For sharing Black Box with your sister.’ He takes a beat as I try to think of a response. ‘And for giving me the best night of my life.’
I definitely don’t know how to respond to this, so I kiss him. An easy, tender kiss that slowly becomes hungrier and I find myself leaning hard against him, pushing him into the counter as I try to get more out of this kiss. But he hardly moves. He’s solid as a stone wall; a stone wall with very kissable lips.
‘Lay with me,’ I whisper into his mouth. ‘Please.’
She leads me by the hand to her bedroom, keeping her face forward so I can’t read her expression. I have to keep reminding myself to temper this longing that keeps growing inside me. Though I know I won’t go any further than where she’s comfortable going, I still don’t want her to get the impression that I’m frustrated or disappointed with her because of this. She switches the light on as we enter the bedroom then turns around to face me once we’re standing next to the bed.
‘I know it’s probably not a big deal to you, but this is huge for me.’
‘You don’t have to explain.’
She holds up her hand to stop me. ‘I know I don’t have to explain. I want to. I just . . . I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve never slept in a bed . . . with a guy. The fact that I fell asleep with you on the couch is amazing and a testament to how safe I feel when I’m with you. I’ve never even laid down with a guy, other