Jude prepped me on the essentials of hunting, including how to track small animals and how to set a deadfall trap using sticks and a large rock. "We'll have to make our way out of the densest parts of the trees," he said. "Animals gravitate toward water, food, and shelter. The sun doesn't penetrate this deep into the forest, which makes for little light and, subsequently, little food."
"I can find a river," I offered helpfully. At Jude's dubious glance, I added, "The same way I knew how to guide you and Shaun deliberately to the ranger patrol cabin."
His hooded eyes evaluated me carefully. "That was intentional?"
"Yup," I said, proud I could prove myself useful yet again. Unzipping my coat, I drew out Calvin's map. I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing by showing Jude the map, but it was a risk I decided to take. He still thought I was knowledgeable about the terrain--he needed me as much as he needed the map, which was a confusing jumble of Calvin's scribbled notes. Besides, if Jude were going to abandon me, he'd had several opportunities. The best plan now was to combine our resources and get to Idlewilde as quickly as possible.
I handed the map to Jude, who pondered it silently for a long time. At last he said, "Where did you get this?"
"It's Calvin's. Did you see the countless notations? Impressive, right? I told you he's an expert on the area."
"Calvin made this?"
"I took it from his car before I drove up here. Without it, I'd probably be dead by now."
Jude said nothing, only continued to search the map keenly.
"This area right here is approximately our current position," I said, pointing near one of the many smaller glacial lakes that dotted the Tetons. "Here is the ranger patrol cabin. It's less than a mile away. Can you believe, after all that time trudging through the storm, we didn't even travel a mile? And here is Idlewilde. Given how slow we've been traveling, it could take most of a day to get there."
"What do the green dots represent? They're not labeled."
"This green dot marks the fur trapper's hut. And this one farther north marks the cabin where Shaun took me hostage."
"And this green dot?"
"I think it's also a shelter, probably abandoned. We'll pass it on our way to Idlewilde. I'm hoping we can rest there, warm up, and maybe find running water."
Jude continued to ponder the map, his attention sharply focused. His hands gripped it tightly, almost greedily, and for one moment I feared he'd tear the paper. "I believed you when you said we'd stumbled across the ranger outpost by accident. You played me."
I faked an expression of superiority. "Like a fiddle."
"This map could save our lives. Can I hold on to it?" Jude asked. "For safekeeping?"
I bit my lip, unable to conceal my anxiety. I hoped I hadn't made a mistake in showing him the map.
"I'm not going to run off with it," Jude said gently. "I want to study it and see if I can find any shortcuts to Idlewilde."
"Maybe for a bit," I agreed hesitantly. "I want to study it too," I added, hoping he didn't think I was suspicious of him. Because I wasn't. At least, I didn't think I was. It was just that the map was my insurance. It was my safeguard and a physical symbol of Calvin, who I could trust completely.
"Deal." Jude tucked the map inside his coat with a strange, intense light in his eyes.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
It was late afternoon before we ate. Hunting with jury-rigged tools was a painstaking and frustrating process that made me appreciate the pioneers and farmers who had settled Wyoming and Idaho, and the hours that must have gone into meeting their basic needs. If I made it home, I'd never take modern conveniences for granted again.
Jude and I trapped five rabbits, skinned them, and roasted them over the fire. I was normally a finicky eater, and thought I'd be queasy about eating an animal I had seen alive less than an hour earlier, but my hunger won out and I devoured the meat, eating until I was so full, I gave myself a stomachache.
In the forest, night fell early, and Jude and I decided to hold off leaving for Idlewilde until first thing in the morning, rather than navigate the trees after sunset. We couldn't be sure how much longer our flashlight and headlamp batteries would last, and it seemed foolish to risk the long hike when we'd likely wind up walking in utter darkness.
Jude scavenged evergreen branches and laid them under the ground mats and sleeping bags to create a more comfortable bed. One bed, which we would share.
A practical side of me knew sleeping together was the smart thing to do--it would conserve body heat--but as the evening wore on, I found myself wondering if Jude was as jittery as I was. When I caught him stealing glimpses at me from behind those long, dusky eyelashes, I tried to guess his thoughts, but his face never wavered from its pleasant, friendly mask.
"How did you learn to hunt?" I asked him, stretching out on my back. Ghostly blue moonlight filtered through the network of roots overhead. Bundled up in my coat and gloves, the night sky didn't look quite so glacial or inhospitable.
Jude rubbed his nose, smiling mysteriously down at me. "Do you have the bottle of moonshine I gave you earlier?"
Moonshine. Of course, he'd given me alcohol. I'd never drunk it before, so the taste had been foreign. But I should have guessed by the sting it left behind. My dad pushed two rules in our household. First and foremost, no sex. And second, no drinking. Those rules that had strictly governed my weekend plans through high school suddenly felt useless out here in the desolate and lawless wilderness.
I handed him the bottle and watched him take a long swig.
He closed his eyes, letting the alcohol soak in, and after a moment said, "Summer before my senior year of high school, I went to wilderness camp."
His confession caught me off guard; I threw my head back, laughing. "So you were a troublemaker, a menace to society, long before now!" I teased. "Korbie's boyfriend, Bear, also had to go to one of those camps."
"Bear? That's his name?"
I shook my head, giggling. "Bear's his nickname. His real name is Kautai. He moved to Idaho from Tonga when we were in junior high school. He didn't speak a word of English, but he was this big, surly-looking guy, so nobody teased him. And then he joined the football team. He carried the team to the National Youth Football Championships in Las Vegas. That's how he got his name--not only did he look like a bear, but he was an animal on the field. Anyway, Bear's parents sent him to wilderness camp when he got in a fender bender. His mom, who is super strict, was convinced he was drinking, and thought a few weeks at wilderness camp would dry him out. So what's your story? What did you do that was terrible enough to get you sent to bad-boy camp?"
He smiled. "It wasn't like that. I went to high school in an affluent part of San Francisco. My classmates were kids of congressmen, famous lawyers, and foreign diplomats. For most of them, summer vacation meant partying in Ibiza or Saint Barts. My mom wanted me to spend the summer before my senior year traveling in Europe with her and my sister. I grew up thinking bouncing from one European five-star hotel to the next was normal. But by the time I was seventeen, the extravagance revolted me. I told my mom I wasn't going--I'd signed up for wilderness camp. I think I wanted to prove to myself that while I couldn't help being rich, I wasn't a spoiled, lazy, entitled punk. Wilderness camp was my personal crusade to separate myself from my family's lifestyle."
I took the bottle from Jude and coughed down several sips. I knew the moonshine wasn't technically making me any warmer, but it did a good job of helping me forget how cold I was. It was also relaxing me. I wasn't even sure I wanted Calvin to rescue me anymore. I was enjoying spending time with Jude, getting to know him better. He was a mystery I wanted to solve. At least, that's what I told myself. But a voice of worry at the back of my mind dangled the idea of Stockholm syndrome. Was that what this was--a false attraction? One born out of necessity and survival?
"What did your mom say?" I asked.
Jude grinned, accepting the bottle from my outstretched hand. "You should have seen her face wh
en I told her I wasn't going to any old wilderness program, but to Impetus."
"What's Impetus?"
"It was a cultlike wilderness program for troubled teens. They used harsh punishments, abuse, and brainwashing to correct behavior. It's no longer operational. Impetus is being sued for child abuse by former participants. In the end, they'll probably pay out around twenty million in settlements. At seventeen, it sounded like the perfect cultural backlash to me." Jude laughed nostalgically. "My parents were furious. At first my dad forbade me from going. He threatened to take away my Land Rover and told me he wouldn't pay for college. My parents didn't think I'd survive. A fair concern, since two of the kids in my group died."
I covered my mouth with my hand. "They died?"
"One from exposure, the other from starvation. We were expected to make our own shelter and hunt our own food. There wasn't a safety net. If you failed to trap a rabbit or get out of the rain, you had to deal with it."
"That's horrible. Seriously, I can't believe that was legal."
"We signed a very thorough disclosure agreement."
"I can't believe a rich little punk like you made it out okay."
"You're as bad as my parents," he said, ruffling my hair playfully. I froze. I'd sworn to deny any attraction to Jude, but when he touched me, the wall I'd built between us suddenly felt weak at the base. If Jude noticed my stiffness, he didn't show it. He went on, "I had a few close shaves, but after a rough first week, I caught on fast. I followed the best hunters in the group and watched how they built their traps. By the end of the summer, I wasn't scared of anything. I'd learned to hunt, learned how to set broken bones, which insects and plants were safe to eat, and how to build a fire with minimal resources. I'd dealt with hypothermia, infections, and freeloaders--that was the hardest, having to fight off my camp-mates to protect what I'd rightfully killed or built. Walking around for days on an empty stomach didn't faze me. Looking back, it was an impressive transformation in three short months."
He took another long drink from the bottle, then stretched out on his side next to me, propping his head on his fist. I felt a whirl of dreadful excitement at this forbidden closeness. His facial hair had a couple days' growth, and it gave him a roguish appeal. A faint smile had curved his mouth all evening, and I was going wild trying to guess his thoughts. The fire had warmed our little hideaway, and I was beginning to feel dizzy and drowsy. And daring. Very subtly, I stretched my arms over my head, then rolled closer to Jude.
"How long ago was this?"
"Four years ago. I'm twenty-one now." He smirked. "And not half so arrogant or strong-willed."
"Mmm, I'll bet. How did you go from affluent Bay Area teen to Wyoming outlaw?"
He gave a flippant laugh. "Maybe I'm a stereotype. Rich kid whose parents are never around, and who eventually goes off the deep end."
"I don't believe that."
His face turned more somber. "I got in a fight with my parents. I said things I now regret. I blamed them for a lot of the problems my family has faced, especially recently. Every family has troubles, but the way my parents handled ours--" He broke off. That long, cool stare of his wavered for a moment, showing vulnerability. "They always expected the best from me and my sister. We felt a lot of pressure. I thought if I left home for a while, I could cool down and find a way to set things right."
"Are you sure you're not running from your problems?"
"Seems that way, doesn't it? I'm sure my parents think I am. What about you? How did you get interested in wilderness backpacking?"
I could tell Jude didn't want to talk about himself anymore, and I decided to respect his privacy. "Calvin was the first person I knew to backpack the Teton Crest Trail," I said, treading carefully. It was a long, messy story, and I didn't know how much of it I wanted to tell Jude. "I always looked up to him. Even when I was young, and came up to the mountains with the Versteegs, I studied him and let him teach me his tricks, like using pine pitch in place of lighter fluid. And my dad, he'd bring me into the mountains when he'd go fly-fishing, so being up here feels a bit like hanging out in my extended backyard. To prepare for this trip, I read an entire library shelf of guidebooks, completed several shorter day hikes with my brother, Ian, lifted weights, that sort of thing. Plus, like I said before, I've backpacked all over this mountain more times than I can count, so I had that experience to fall back on," I added quickly and untruthfully.
Jude made a casual sound of agreement. I took the moonshine and forced down several burning gulps.
Jude reached for the bottle, eyed its nearly gone contents, and pocketed it.
"Hey, I wasn't done with that," I argued.
He ignored my protest and studied me with a focused, probing gaze. "Why did you tell Shaun you're an expert backpacker? Why did you lie?"
My face grew warm and a nervous feeling expanded in my chest. "What are you talking about?"
"Have you ever been backpacking before? I don't think you have."
Defensively, I said, "Just because I don't know as much as you doesn't mean I'm incompetent."
He nudged me softly. "You don't have to lie to me, Britt. I'm not judging you."
I didn't know if this was a trick or a test. Either way, if I told Jude I'd never backpacked the Tetons before, he'd realize how useless I was. He wouldn't need me. He could take the map and head out alone.
"Not judging me? Funny, that's exactly what this feels like--you asserting your position over me."
"Don't get upset," he said calmly. "You can tell me anything. We're a team now."
"If we're a team," I demanded, "why have you consistently evaded my questions? Why haven't you told me how you ended up in league with Shaun? You're nothing like he was. What could he possibly give you?"
He smiled self-deprecatingly, clearly trying to lighten the mood. "There you go again, assuming I only join forces with people who can give me something in return."
"I want a straight answer!"
The smile dissolved from his face. "I came here looking for someone. I care about them, and I made a promise to them. I'm trying to do right by that promise. I thought Shaun could help me."
"Who are you looking for?"
"It's not your business, Britt," he said with such unexpected sharpness. I found myself too startled to argue back. Instead of meeting my eyes, he stared stonily into the distance.
His sudden savagery hurt my feelings, and I rolled onto my knees, crawling out from under the fallen tree as fast as I could. I accidentally brushed my glove over the fire's ash, singeing the fabric. I could see clear through to my finger. Cursing under my breath, I stormed out into the frosty darkness.
Behind me, I heard Jude groan.
"Britt! Wait up! I wasn't trying to make you angry. I'm sorry. Can I explain myself?"
I marched into the trees, my thoughts darting frantically. How could I salvage this? How could I convince him to stay and not leave me?
"Britt!"
I whirled around, crossing my arms tightly over my chest. "You called me a liar!"
"Just listen to me for a sec--"
"So what if I lied to Shaun? I had to! If he didn't need me, he would have killed me. Look what he did to Korbie--he left her to die! Is that what you're going to do too? Now that you realize I'm not an expert on the area and I've been relying completely on the map? Are you going to run off and leave me to fend for myself?"
Jude reached toward me, but I batted his hand away. I was breathing heavily, my heart thundering. If he left me now, I'd never make it. I'd die in this place.
"You were clever enough to trick Shaun," he said. "You were smart enough to grab supplies when you ran away from the outpost. And you were able to decipher Calvin's map, which is a confusing collection of his own scribbled notes and hand-drawn landmarks. Not everyone could have read it with the same success." He put his hands on his hips, wagging his head at the snow between our feet. "I like--" he began, then caught himself. Drawing a breath, he started again. "I like having you
around, Britt. That's the truth. I'm not leaving you. Even if you were a pain in the butt, I'd stay with you. It's the right thing to do. But it turns out I find you likable and interesting, and while I'm not glad you have to go through this, I'm glad we have each other."
I stared at him, thrown off guard. I hadn't expected that. He liked having me around? Even though I couldn't give him anything in return?
He reached toward me a second time, resting his hand tentatively on my shoulder. He seemed relieved when I didn't immediately slap it away. "Truce?"
My eyes flicked over his face, which appeared sincere. I nodded, grateful our fight hadn't ended badly. I still had Jude. I wasn't alone.
He drew a deep breath and his face relaxed. "Time to get some sleep. We've got a long day of hiking, starting first thing tomorrow."
I swallowed hard. "I came on this trip because of Calvin. I wanted to impress him. At one point, I actually thought we'd get back together. I thought if I came on the trip, he'd invite himself along. I trained hard, but I always thought I'd have him to rely on. Because that's what I do--I expect the men in my life to rescue me." Tears stung my eyes. "My dad, Ian, Calvin. I've always been dependent on them, and it never bothered me. It was so . . . easy to let them take care of me. But now--" My throat closed off. "My dad must think I'm dead. No way could he imagine his little girl surviving in the wild." My lip quivered uncontrollably and my face crumpled. Hot tears dripped off my chin. "There. That's the truth. That's the pathetic truth about me." Jude said we needed secrets to keep us vulnerable, but he was wrong. I'd revealed myself to him; I'd cut myself open. If that wasn't vulnerability, I didn't know what was.
"Britt," Jude said softly. "Look around. You're alive. You're doing pretty great at surviving, and you've even saved our lives a couple times. You're going to see your dad and brother again. I'd tell you that I'm going to see to it, but I don't have to. You're going to make sure you do all on your own. Because it's what you've been doing every step of the way."
I drew my fingers under my eyes, drying them. "If I had known things would turn out this way, I would have trained harder. I would have learned to take care of myself. But I guess that's the point, isn't it? You never know what you're going to have to face, so you'd better be prepared."