I walked out of the Zazen gates and toward the little bistro shop three blocks north. It was the only kid friendly place I’d found so far. Pea loved the coffee shop where she could drink flavored hot chocolate and read books at the same time. When I asked her what she wanted to do, I knew we would either go to our little sanctuary in our circle of woods, or we were coming to Ms. Bartley’s Book’s.
Ms. Bartley was a little Chinese woman everyone loved, including Pea. And she had the newest old books of anywhere I had ever seen. I remembered so many of them from my mother reading them to me. Pea loved to be read to, and not on a backlit screen. She wanted the old fashion kind where she could turn the pages for me.
I ordered a cup of hot chocolate with vanilla and butterscotch; the way Pea liked it with whip cream piled high on the top. Looking through the new books, I picked out a couple new ones for her that we hadn’t got yet. I sat with the four new books I would take home to Pea and sipped my hot cocoa. God I missed her. I worried about her being there in a strange place alone. What kind of mother did that to a small child, her own child? And her dad? What was he thinking? This poor child had no one to love her.
I don’t know why I listened to Blake, or if I even did. I really didn’t have anything to do in New York City alone. Unbeknownst to Blake, I was still only seventeen, at least for a couple more weeks. I was back in my room by eight thirty, bored and missing Pea. We would be snuggled in her bed, reading one of her new books if she was home where she belonged. I found myself worrying if anyone would tuck her in, and make her feel as special as she was.
Trying to find something on television to occupy my mind, I flipped, and flipped, and flipped, never landing on anything that held my attention for more than two minutes. I tried to study on my phone, but some of the sites wouldn’t come up and the ones that did wouldn’t zoom in.
The high pitch laugh coming from the balcony door I had never opened pulled my attention to the curtain. I moved it just enough to see Ms. Fancy Pants, lifting her leg while Blake toyed with her, rubbing into her and kissing her all over.
“Give me a break,” I audibly spoke with an eye roll. I used the time to skate across the heart of the condo and disappear into Blake’s home office. Although it never seemed to work, I tried like hell to lose myself in something besides the hole in my chest. Why was it always when I was alone? My heart cried first. Feeling that pain in my chest, the one indescribable, I tried to swallow it away.
I moved the mouse when the room darkened from the sleeping monitor and I shook my head, trying to read the words. That’s when I took the pen from the cup. Stretching out my arm I drew one faint, thin line. The stem of the same delicate feather from Forrest Gump curled on my forearm. The tip of the quill turned back to the starting point. Back to where it all begun, back to where my mind wandered.
“Mikki,” my mother called from her little corner. I rose from the sofa and ran to her side. Her face was fire red, her skin burned at the touch, and her breaths were weak and shallow.
“Mom, what’s wrong?”
“Call an ambulance.”
That was the first go around. That was the night I thought she was never going to come back home. I prayed. I prayed so much for her to get better. I left her asleep in her room while I spent hours begging God not to take her one floor down in the hospital chapel. I stared up at the sky and prayed some more once the stars were visible. I prayed even more when I closed my eyes, hoping for rest. It never worked.
I opened my eyes when the shift change occurred around six in the morning. Gloria smiled at me and walked out as quietly as she’d come in. All the nurses quit asking for someone to call by this time. They knew I was alone, that I had no one. Why couldn’t God understand that? Take someone else’s mother. Someone that had a dad, a brother, a couple sisters, grandparents and aunts and uncles. I didn’t have those things. I had my mom. That was it.
“Come here, baby,” my mom growled. No matter how much she coughed and tried to clear it from her lungs, her voice still crumbled with her words. It was almost summer; how could she have pneumonia this time of year?
“Look at this article, Mom,” I said, picking up the folded Time Magazine, “It’s a place in India where they don’t use medicine. It’s all spiritual. Like they teach you how to replace all the negative with only positive. We could go there. Look at this woman. She had cancer too. She’s cured and all she did was learn how to heal herself.”
“Makayla. Please call your father.”
“Mom, don’t,” I warned. No. She wasn’t doing this. She wasn’t leaving me.
“Baby, I can’t go until I know you’re okay.”
“I’m not. I’m not ever going to be okay without you. Can’t you see that, Mom? Can’t you see I won’t be okay?”
“Why do you do that child?” she asked, brushing her thumb across the dark cloud I’d created on my arm. My tear spread across her thumb and mixed the cloud with the top of the feather, creating black rain. I photocopied it with my mind for a later time.
“It helps,” I sadly said, smiling when she smiled at her black thumb. I smiled too; as much as I could anyway.
“You’re so talented. Why don’t you use the sketch pad I got you?” My mother used every bit of energy she had to assemble a slanted smile, “What is this?” She asked, touching the zebra. Her hand weakly dropped back to the bed and she grimaced in pain. Another tear slid down my face and onto the carousel.
“It’s a memory,” I said letting the black rain spear swirls through the fresh ink, “You took me there when I was seven. I lost my shoe,” I explained.
Her smile was broad, her eyes brightened and the grumble in her voice was gone. I heard her sweet voice full of joy for the last time that day, “I tossed one of mine in the trash and we both walked around the park with one shoe,” she said finishing the story, “Is this a memory too?”
I looked to her fingers touching the three round coins and nodded, “Saint Patrick’s Day. We made green cookies for my class. We won the gold for being the greenest. Remember, Mom?”
“Yes, it took two weeks to get our hair back to normal. What’s this? The crown of thorns Jesus wore?”
“No,” I said trying to hold back tears while my mother held the barbed wire, circling my wrists, “It’s jail time. The wire represents captivity and the four thorns remind me for how long,” I said failing miserably at keeping my emotions intact. My voice cracked, betraying me with a high pitched sound while I tried to swallow it.
My mother licked the same black thumb, wiped it down the middle of my artwork and split the wire, “You’re free, baby. Go be free.”
“That was your wire, not mine. You’re the one that’s been held captive by this disease for the past four years.”
“And so have you. You’ve spent your entire teenage years, taking care of me. I feel horrible for these years that you’re never going to get back. You should be going to prom, and dating cute boys. I’m begging you one more time, Mikki. Call your father. He’ll help you. I know he will.”
“Mom, don’t start with that again. There isn’t a place on earth I would have rather have been than right here with you.”
“You know how much I love you, Mikki. I’m always going to be right here,” my mother promised with dry tears echoing loud in my ears. She couldn’t really cry anymore. Her tear ducts didn’t work right either. Once in a while she would produce a tear or two, but her voice told me she was in agony. Not only from the pain in her body, but the pain in her heart too.
“Mom, don’t do that. Don’t you say goodbye. We’re going to beat this. I promise we will. We’re not saying goodbye. We’re not finished yet. Now get some rest. I’m going to find something to drink.” I don’t know why leaving made me think she would stop trying to let go. I guess I left, knowing she wouldn’t leave it like this. She wouldn’t go without knowing I was okay. I wasn’t okay and she couldn’t go. I guess I just didn’t think she would leave me like that.
Nine
/> Quinn held her hands and they fought not to fall from the swinging bridge. “Come on, Pea. That’s enough adventures for one day. Let’s head back. It looks like rain,” I called to her.
Although I tried to tell myself it was all in my head and Quinn wasn’t out to get me, I still had a feeling. One I didn’t like. I wished I could take back my moment of weakness. I wanted to take it back. Life should come with at least three do-overs. I would have used one of them then. I would have never let Pea run up to that dog. GAH! What was I thinking?
Pea led us back to the wizard, talking a million miles a minute. I tried to get rid of him again when I told him we were going to get ready and go out for a while.
“Where are you going? I’ll come with you.”
This guy had guts. Really? Who says that? “I kind of just want it to be me and Pea tonight. We’ll probably see you around some time tomorrow, before you leave.”
“I want Quinn to come too. Hey, wait. Where we going?” she rephrased not remembering the plans we never discussed.
“It’s a surprise. We’re going by ourselves. Go on in. I’ll be in, in a second.”
“I want to go with Quinn,” she whined.
“Pea, go. Right this second. Get in the house,” I ordered in a tone that she knew to listen to. It didn’t come out often, but when it did she knew it was the tone that she wasn’t going to get her way. She pouted her bottom lip and stomped inside without another word.
“What’s going on, Jenna?”
I tried to walk away and then snapped my eyes to his cold, dark eyes. I knew there was something up with this guy. The way he looked at me brought out the dark in who he was. My instincts were right, Quinn was a bad guy, but why? What did he want? I didn’t have anything.
“What’s your hurry? The nights young. We should drink a beer and wait for the finale,” he said, smiling a warm smile. A calm replaced the dark undertone, but I didn’t relax. Finale?
“Goodnight Quinn.”
I closed the door behind me and locked it. I didn’t ask what finale, I was afraid to, but I had a pretty good hunch that Quinn was only the tracker and the finale was yet to come. Taking a deep breath I turned to see him walking toward his truck already on his phone. I ran bathwater for Pea for the distraction, before going to find the prepaid phone. As soon as she was in the tub I ran to the closet and scrambled for the phone in the bottom of the ‘Hello Kitty’ backpack.
My heart beat hard in my chest while I walked back to the living room in a panic. Quinn was inside his truck, but he wasn’t leaving, and Pea was in the tub. I looked out the hall and heard her sputtering bubbles in the water and powered on the phone. The pounding in my chest got louder when I read the text messages; the last one being:
RUN!!!!
I scrolled to the next one while adrenalin pumped fast and hard through my veins:
Quinton Ford. He’s coming for you. Leave now!
The seconds ticked while my mind processed what to do. I jumped ten feet when I heard the knock. What was I supposed to do? What if I opened the door and he shot me? I couldn’t let Pea go through something like that.
“Get your shit together. You’re not a coward,” I coached myself, walking to the door.
Quinn had a big friendly smile. The one that led me to believe he was a welcoming game warden from Illinois.
“Hey,” I answered as nonchalantly as I could.
“Sorry, my truck won’t start. You mind if I hang out for a while. I just called someone from the cabins I’m staying at.”
“Oh, what’s wrong with it? I’ve been around an engine or two, maybe I can help,” I lied. I didn’t know the starter from the transmission.
“I think the fuel pump went out. I’m not sure. Can I come in?” he asked with a boyish grin. Letting him think I wasn’t on to him, I waved my hand, inviting him in. What else was I going to do? Paying special attention to the gun, showing from the back of his jeans, I wondered how I could get it. I needed it.
Quinn stayed the entire evening, acting as if we were best friends and him and Pea were buddies. All I could think about was the gun, until Pea was sound asleep. I heard Quinn in the bathroom when I tucked her in. The rusty hinge on the bathroom closet was hard to disguise. I waited for him to walk back to the living room before meeting him.
“Well, looks like I’m going to have to use your couch for the night. My ride is lost, but don’t worry, he promises to be here first thing in the morning,” Quinn informed me when I joined him. Caught off guard with the morning comment, I stammered. Did that mean someone was on their way to retrieve us? What was I supposed to say?
Quinn and I silently watched television until he asked if I wanted a beer. I knew when he got up the gun wasn’t visible anymore. It was in my bathroom. I declined and told him I was going to get him some blankets.
Closing the door behind me, I calmed my nerves, or tried anyway. “Now, if I was a gun, where would I be?” I quietly asked the small room. I snarled when I saw the purple toothbrush with the blue paste Pea forgot to use. Little brat. I opened the two cabinets below the sink. The shampoo bottles, lotions, very berry bubble bath, and my cleaning supplies made it easy to see anything around them. It wasn’t there. There was only one other place it could be, the towel closet.
I ruffled towels, looking for a weapon I didn’t know how to use. I froze briefly when I remembered the ledge above the inside of the door where the envelope of money was left for me. I felt the envelope lodged between two boards to my right first and then my hand jolted when it felt the butt of the gun. Shaking my fingers at the wrists, my hands flailed. Now what?
Did I threaten him with the gun? Tie him up? I could tie him up and takeoff. By the time anyone found him I would be long gone. That sounded like the best plan, or maybe it was the only plan. I carefully removed the gun from the ledge like it was a ticking time bomb and held it up.
My breath caught in my lungs and I almost dropped it when the doorknob jiggled. My heart stopped and I froze in a state of horror movie, panic. Coming to my senses when the door knob jiggled again, I quickly placed the gun over the door jam.
“Mikki… I have to pee,” Pea whined from the door.
“Jesus, you almost gave me a heart attack,” I said, pulling her inside. I looked out to the living room and saw Quinn’s feet on the sofa.
“Why?”
“Shhh.”
“Why?” Pea asked again, parking her butt on the toilet.
“Quinn fell asleep on the sofa. We don’t want to wake him. Geesh, Pea, how big is your bladder?”
“Uh?”
“Nothing—I need you to listen to me, Pea.”
“Okay. What?”
My heart sank again when the doorknob was jostled vigorously, and not like the jiggle when Pea stopped my heart.
“Jenna!” Quinn called from the other side.
I shoved Pea’s toothbrush in my own mouth and started brushing. Looking at him with a confused frown, I opened the door, hoping he couldn’t see the worry on my face or the pounding in my chest. Quinn’s eyes looked around cautiously, landing first on Pea, standing behind me, and then around the room.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, trying to play coy. Modest wasn’t coming easy to me.
Quinn looked from me down to Pea, washing her hands, oblivious to anything out of the ordinary, “Oh, uh, nothing. I thought I heard crying. You okay Pea?”
“Huh-huh,” she replied.
“Come on, let’s get you back to bed,” I coaxed, rinsed, and spit. I walked around Quinn’s cautious face while he decided if anything was going on or not. Pea’s little hand slid in mine and I led her the few short steps to her room. What the hell was I going to do? Plan A was the only one I had.
Shit. I knew I shouldn’t have let her drink pop at eight o’clock. I lay in bed with Pea, not about to leave her. I swear I had more adrenaline rushes that day than I had in my life. My heart was forever beating out of my chest.
I lay very still, listening for any a
nd everything. I worried about every car I heard in the distance. Every little sound of the wind was felt with a surge of fear and I didn’t know what to do. Holding Pea close to my chest, I thought about her spending the weekend with her mother.
***
I’d gone into Blake’s office after seeing him out on the terrace with the bitch I hated; the one he called Felicia—the ex-girlfriend. Gold digger is what she was. She was too dumb to be professional. Pea was smarter than her.
I spun my chair and faced the window overlooking the ginormous world. Brilliant lights blurred with my tears when I dropped my face to my hands. My elbows rested on my knees and I cried, sucking in painful air that burned with every breath. My arm relaxed when I caught a glimpse of the familiar heart drawn on the thin bone running along the shrill vein on the inside of my arm, just above the broken barbed wire with four prickly thorns.
Adjusting it to catch my tears, I made it rain across the fresh inked heart. Black rain. My heart was bleeding black rain that would never stop.
It stopped.
It stopped immediately when I heard arguing and then the front door slam. I sat very still and willed the tears to stop. With everything in me I willed it all to stop. I wasn’t expecting him to enter. I assumed Blake would just head upstairs and leave me alone. He didn’t.
I kept the burgundy leather chair facing the window. What the hell did he want? Why did he have to come in here?
“Hi, you don’t have to turn around,” he said from behind me, “As a matter of fact. It may be easier this way.” Great. He was going to fire me. Now what?
I swallowed the dry bulge, unable to reply. I wasn’t planning on turning around.
“I know this is going to sound crazy and all, but I sort of have a proposition for you. It’s going to sound crazy,” he repeated with no response from me. Proposition? What the hell did that mean? “Okay, so I was thinking. You know how I am very busy right now and all, and if you haven’t noticed, I’m sort of in a dating funk, right? I don’t know what it is, if I’m finally growing up or what, but I don’t want to play the field anymore. You know what I’m saying?”