“What’s happening?” I asked in a small voice. Something was wrong. Something was not right.
“Quiet,” he whispered. “They’ll know.” When he looked at me, his eyes were glazed over, just like the first time we kissed.
I kissed him back. He would save me. He would get me outside before the smiling faery killed me. I just had to stop eating the apples.
Apples? My hands clutched at him, and he pressed me against the wall, murmuring against my lips.
We were in Brendan’s bed, in a pocket of magic in the human realm, and everything was perfect. But no, that wasn’t right. We were on the way to the Fade to find Brendan, and Drake was almost mine again. He gasped against me. But didn’t Brendan come home from the Fade?
We were on horseback, rushing to safety, and Drake was telling me he loved me; he would always love me. Then he used my true name to send me away.
I let out a sharp cry and pushed him away. Drake grabbed me fiercely, his fingers ripping my bodice as he ran his tongue across my breasts. What was it I had to remember?
He married Sorcha. He was married. We had a daughter that he didn’t call his own. And I didn’t love him.
“No,” I murmured. “This isn’t a dream.”
And even if it was, I didn’t want the snatches of stolen affection he could give me. Time fast-forwarded in my mind as memories raced. Brendan and Drake and I. I had left, and then I'd come back and changed everything. I couldn’t go back again—not to a time of feeling inadequate. I needed to feel good enough.
He pressed his lips against mine, his tongue forcing its way into his mouth. Sorcha.
I bit him until he let me go. “Stop it! She loves you,” I gasped. “And I don’t.” I pushed him aside and ran from him. I looked back and saw Deorad’s face, heard Sadler’s voice. With a cry of fear, I raced around the corner and right into Brendan.
“Sadler’s going to kill me,” I whispered. “We have to run!”
“Sadler’s dead.” He held my face in his hands. “He’s dead, Cara.”
“I knew that.” I held on to him, shaking, as clarity broke through the madness. “What’s happening to me?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “Maybe there really was something in your wine.”
“Poison?”
“No. Something else.”
“I have to go home,” I said weakly. “I don’t belong here, and I need to go home.”
“Okay,” Brendan said. “I’ll take you home.”
I hadn’t known I was crying until he brushed the tears away. His eyes were glazed, but he looked sad, pitying even.
“I’m scared.”
“I know.” He held on to me.
“Am I affecting everyone?”
“Yes, but it’s not your fault.”
“Then why are you acting normal?”
“Trust me, I don’t feel normal. Besides,” he said with a laugh, “I’ve had a lot of practice. Come on. Let’s get you home.”
We walked and walked and walked, and all the while, whispers and apparitions spun around me.
I held on tight to Brendan’s hand. “Please be real,” I whispered.
“I’m real. I’m here. It’s almost over. Just a little while more.”
We stepped over broken chess pieces, and I found it easier to breathe.
Slowly, the shadows and the voices faded, and he didn’t need to help me walk anymore.
“Brendan,” I said in a small voice. “I’m so sorry.”
“Everything’s okay,” he said soothingly. “Your mind is getting clearer. It’s easier to be around you now.”
“I thought… I was back in the past.”
“I felt it, too. It was a cruel trick. It wasn’t Drake’s fault. He was wrapped up in the magic, too.”
“You always protect him.” I looked up. “And me.”
“Don’t worry about that now.”
I held on to him and focused on taking one step at a time, shielding my mind against everything else. Then we were before a door I recognised.
“Home,” Brendan said. “Go on in.”
“You aren’t coming?”
“You don’t need me anymore. Scarlet’s waiting for you. Everyone is waiting for you. You won’t hurt them now. Go in and get some sleep, and everything will be fine in the morning.”
I slipped my arms around his neck and gazed at him.
“Go.” His voice sounded hoarse.
I let go and faced the door, hesitating, but his hand on my back pushed me forward. I remembered a lot of things all of a sudden.
I looked back at him, my hand on the doorknob. “If you get married, I’ll still be your friend even if you can’t be mine.”
I slipped inside my bedroom and closed the door on him. My room was full. Grim, Realtín, Anya, and Líle were all asleep in there. I crept into bed beside my daughter and soon fell asleep, but a horrible feeling in my chest warned me that the trouble was only starting.
Chapter Twelve
Scarlet pinched my nose and woke me. I sat up with a gasp, trying to figure out where my nightmare began and ended.
The sharp pain in my temple sent me back down, groaning. “Ow. Ow. Ow.”
Scarlet launched herself onto my belly. Moaning, I sat up and gave her the attention she so desperately wanted. And that was when I noticed some of my friends gathered around the end of the bed, looking at me as if waiting for something.
“What?” I asked.
Anya and Líle exchanged relieved glances.
“How are you feeling?” Bekind asked, Realtín sitting on her shoulder.
I gingerly touched my temples. “I have a raging headache. What the hell happened last night?”
“We thought you might know,” Anya said. “Things got a little wild, and we think it might have been because of you.”
“Either that or your Darksiders really know how to throw a party,” Líle said. “I mean, wow.”
Realtín burst out laughing. “Everyone thinks Cara’s the one who had a good time.”
I honestly couldn’t remember. There were blurs and flashes but no concrete memories.
“My mouth is dry, and I need a bath. Then we can talk.” I got up and almost fell over. “Shit. What did I do to my ankle?”
“We have no idea.” Líle bit her lip as though trying not to laugh.
“Nobody saw you for most of the night,” Bekind said. “And then suddenly we were all ordered to stay away from you. We certainly felt your presence, and both kings mysteriously went missing, too. There will be rumours about this.”
“Biiiiig rumours,” Realtín said, and a giggle finally escaped Líle’s lips.
“Did I ruin everything?” What the hell was wrong with me? I knew the entire night had been as important as the ceremony.
“You didn't ruin anything,” Anya said carefully. “But you were very… influential.”
“She should know.” Realtín hovered over Anya’s head. “I saw her and Arlen sneaking out to the stables together like human teenagers.”
Anya tried in vain to grab Realtín out of the air.
I groaned. “I don’t even want to know what happened. Has Scarlet eaten yet?”
“It’s noon,” Realtín scoffed from on top of a wall lamp. “She’s about to have some lunch.”
“I missed her breakfast? Why didn’t you wake me?”
“I tried. You threatened to behead me with a bread knife.”
Líle broke down completely, her eyes streaming with tears as guffaws wracked her body.
Ignoring her, I tried to run my hands through my hair, but it was still full of pins. “I should have a bath before someone sees me like this. Do I look like shit?”
Realtín opened her mouth to answer.
I held up my hand. “Never mind.” I kissed Scarlet and left to have a bath.
Orlaith was standing outside the door and accompanied me. Usually, she chatted because she was a morning person, but as we walked, she kept her mouth shut and avoided my eyes.
“Oh, stop thinking about it,” I snapped. “Nothing happened.” Stupid, gossipy fae.
She stuttered a response, but I went into the room and slammed the door in her face. Stupid, reckless human, more like.
I bathed alone and tried to figure out what the hell was going on. I didn’t feel hungover. I did have a kicker of a headache. Why would I have let myself get so drunk? I squeezed my eyes shut and forced myself to concentrate. I remembered Anya taking care of Scarlet in my room. I remembered going back to the party. And I remembered a lavender-haired woman who planned on marrying Brendan. Snatches of other memories came back, but I wasn’t sure what parts were dreams and what were reality.
A polite knock on the door drew my attention. A faery, accompanied by Orlaith, offered clean clothes and help with my hair. I sent both of them packing to give me more time to think, but it was no use. There were empty spaces in my memories.
I headed back to my room, wondering where the hell Rumble was hiding. I heard footsteps behind me and turned to look. Drake approached, his fingers twitching with anxiety. I gazed at him, wondering why he looked so solemn.
“Wait a second,” I blurted. “Did I see your wings last night?”
He nodded, his cheeks awash with colour. “Brendan wants us to meet right now. May I walk you down?”
I hesitated. Why was he being so awkward? “Okay.”
“I’ve just been to your room looking for you,” he said, avoiding my eyes. “The others are watching over Scarlet for you—don’t worry.”
We walked down the hallway, staying a couple of inches apart. “Cara, wait.”
I stopped in surprise. He was the old Drake all of a sudden, the old, earnest, good Drake. “What’s wrong?” I asked.
“I’m so sorry about last night. I don’t know what you remember, but…”
The words fell away as it hit me. We had kissed, and I had told him I didn’t love him. And he had been… unpleasant. My hand flew to my mouth as more memories returned. I had basically brought the entire castle on a bad trip. “What the hell happened last night?”
“Perhaps it was the ceremony. Perhaps there’s more of the fae in you than we thought.”
“What do you mean?”
“We felt… something, and you were gone, so we went looking for you. When Brendan found you, you were… overly emotional and projecting it strongly.”
“I’ve gotten that much from Realtín,” I said wryly.
He cleared his throat. “We separated you from everyone else in an attempt to stop… incidents, but I… was affected. I’m so sorry. I wasn’t expecting it. I’ve done my best not to feel anything for a long time, and your emotion was… too much. It manifested badly within me, and I have to apologise to you for the way I behaved. If Brendan hadn’t been there… you have to understand. That’s not me. I would never… I never intended to—”
“Oh, God, please stop talking about it. I feel bad enough as it is.” The back of my neck prickled. “I’m sorry I made everyone… uncomfortable.”
A flash of mischief brightened his eyes. “As far as I’m aware, nobody has complained.”
“Except you.”
“Nothing ever follows the plan, does it?” His expression changed instantly. “I have to admit I held on to the hope that you would understand me, Cara. I thought we knew each other; I thought you would forgive me for the things I did or at least understand it was all part of a larger plan. I didn’t expect it to come to this. If I had known how everything would turn out, I might have…” He shook his head, a pained look in his eyes.
“We never really knew each other though, did we?” I said gently. “It was a flash of attraction in the heat of the moment.” I saw everything with older—maybe even wiser—eyes.
“It was more than just a flash,” he whispered.
“But we had barely met when Brendan’s soul was pushed into your body. It was already confusing, and between the three of us, we made it so much more complicated. I was pulled from one of you to the other without really knowing either of you. I just mean… we didn’t get the chance to learn how to understand each other. If we’d had more time, or…” I bit my lip. “Well, other things have always gotten in the way, haven’t they? And if you ever understood me, you would have known that some actions go too far.”
“Like marriage?” he asked bitterly.
“For one. I know you never promised me anything, but I couldn’t help viewing your marriage to Sorcha as a betrayal.”
“And Brendan was always there to butter you up,” he said bitterly.
“Don’t do that,” I said. “It’s small and nasty and doesn’t suit you. Brendan’s never hurt me.”
“That’s because he’s the great king Brendan, making the rest of us look bad.” He tried to pull off a joke, but it just sounded pathetic to me.
I made a sound of frustration. “There you go again! It’s time to take responsibility for your own actions, Drake. You chose to send me away, you chose to marry Sorcha, and you’re choosing to act like a stranger to Scarlet. You hurt me. It has nothing to do with Brendan, but if we’re bringing him into it, he has always cared about you and done what he could to protect you.”
“No, he’s always come between us.”
“Unless I bloody well married him behind your back, then it doesn’t compare. How would you have felt if you gave me your heart and then, without any warning, discovered I had married someone who hated you?”
“I was trying to protect you. I swear it.”
“But you sent me away from my friends, and I felt like I was being punished for something I didn’t know I had done. Seeing you with Sorcha was you sticking the knife in, and the way you acted around Scarlet just twisted that blade. A part of me will always remember how you made me feel. The bad times started to outweigh the good a long time ago.”
“I don’t know how to be around her.” He looked agitated. “She’s a beautiful child, and my favour could harm her. You would never forgive me then, would you?”
I stared at him, unwavering. The brittle part of me couldn’t soften for him. Not anymore.
“I don’t know how to be a father. Not to her.”
“But you’ll be one for your real family.” It was my turn to sound bitter and resentful. “With Sorcha.”
“You don’t know what I’ve sacrificed for you and Scarlet. You don’t know the things I’ve done to protect you.” He reached for me then dropped his arm. “I didn’t lie when I told you I would always love you, but it’s dangerous for me to show affection to anyone.”
Tears rose in my eyes. “You have a wife who actually loves you despite it all. She knows everything, and she’s still capable of loving you. That’s not me. I can’t be that person. I can’t forgive or forget. I grew up with a father who made me feel like nothing I ever did was good enough. I’m old enough to stop letting people make me feel that way.”
“If I hadn’t married her,” he whispered, “what would have happened between us?”
Brendan’s smile flashed before my eyes, and I felt a sharp pain in my chest. “I honestly don’t know. Nothing ever happens the way I think it will.”
“This is life,” he said sardonically.
“Brendan will be waiting for us. This is it now. We have work to do, right?”
“Right.” He looked at me searchingly. “Maybe when this is all over, we can be friends again.”
“Of course.” But I didn’t really mean it. I followed him down to the study.
Brendan was poring over an ancient-looking book. When he heard us enter, he looked at one of us then the other. “Everything all right now?”
I smiled. “Looks like.”
“Good,” he said briskly, “because we have a lot to talk about. The realm is dying, and the only hope we have is to work together.” His lips twitched as he caught my eye. “Well, I did promise.”
“Shouldn’t we talk about what happened?” I asked.
“Last night?” Brendan glanced at Drake. “I don
’t think—”
“No, I mean about… the day I killed Sadler.”
Both men let out a hiss.
“I just don’t think it’s a good idea to let the bad feeling fester,” I continued. “And if—”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Drake said.
“Of course you don’t,” Brendan muttered under his breath.
“At least I had a plan,” Drake snapped. “You wasted how long trying to convince us that we could make peace with Sadler?”
Oh, God. Why had I opened my mouth?
“Yes, I remember your plan,” Brendan said nastily. “The one where you steal even more of my realm from me.”
Drake said, “Some of us take what we earn; some of us try to live on the good old days. How’s that working for you, Brendan?” The two men squared off.
I got between them before they could come to blows. “Enough, the pair of you.” I laid a hand on each of their chests. “This isn’t what I meant. Brendan, I’m the one who stole the Darkside, not Drake, so take it out on me.” I glared at Drake. “And if you don’t realise that you have what you have because Brendan is letting you keep it, then I pity your stupidity.”
They bristled, but I wasn’t done yet. “This blight is bigger than us—bigger than anything we’ve ever imagined. It’s destroying everything. The Great Forest is the heart of the realm, and it’s dying. The taint is even in the human realm. We’re running out of time, and the longer we spend bitching, the quicker this disease wins. What happened with Sadler was a mistake. It shouldn’t have happened, but it did, and we can deal with it properly after we save the people depending on us.” I met Brendan’s gaze. “Are you with me?”
He nodded, but the expression in his eyes made the hair stand up on the back of my neck.
I turned my back on him and faced Drake. “Are you with us?”
He looked from me to Brendan and back again. “Yes,” he said hoarsely. “I’m with you both.”
***
I traced my hand across the map in wonder. “This is everything? This is the entire realm?” It was much larger than I had ever expected.
“This is our world.” Brendan moved my hand aside. “This area was the first to succumb to the Darkside’s spread.”