“Our land is equally clean,” Yvette said softly, holding Brendan’s gaze.
“We also need a ship,” I blurted.
Yvette blinked. She looked at me then quickly back to Brendan. “Oh?”
“We’re in search of a certain tree,” he explained. “We’ve been informed it exists across the sea. I intend to search for it myself, but I need a ship.”
“My ship.” Somehow, Yvette had moved closer to Brendan without me noticing. She reached out and curled her fingers around his hand as he gripped the reins. “Only if I may accompany you.”
“It’s dangerous,” Brendan said. “We have no way of knowing when I’ll return or even if I’ll return.”
“I’d like to travel. That’s my offer. Take it or leave it. You’re all welcome to stay in my home while you search for the stone.”
She turned abruptly and cantered back to the castle, closely followed by the other women.
“Well,” Brendan said slowly, looking a little stunned. “We should follow her.”
We headed down the road, barely keeping up with her retreat. I didn't want to watch Yvette wrap Brendan any more tightly around her little finger.
***
Yvette’s castle was bigger and better than all the others, especially mine. I hadn’t gotten a close look at Drake’s home, but I had been told that Brendan’s was the best in the land. Maybe a lot of fae hadn’t seen Yvette’s home.
Yvette asked her women to escort us all to our rooms, where we could rest and bathe. She personally led Brendan to his quarters in her wing of the castle.
Bran followed Rumble and me to our rooms.
“You get lost?” I asked.
“Brendan sent me. He doesn’t need me here, he said.” Bran looked desolate.
“Of course he doesn’t need you. They want to marry him off to Yvette, not kill him.” I tried to believe my own words.
The rooms were larger than mine had ever been, anywhere. I carried an unsettling feeling in my stomach. I couldn’t pinpoint it; something just felt wrong.
The three of us ate together. I had a bath, and then a servant came to escort me to the library to begin my search. I couldn't keep track of the numerous turns and staircases. We moved from warmth straight into the bitter cold when we stepped from one hallway to the next.
“This is the old library,” the servant finally said. “The rest of the castle was built around it.”
Dymphna was waiting outside the door, her lips pressed together in a grim line.
“Rumble, Bran, wait with Dymphna,” I said. “Watch out for anything weird.”
“You’re suspicious?” Dymphna asked, although she didn’t sound surprised.
“Just…” I glanced over my shoulder as a prickle of apprehension ran down my back. “Let’s be careful.”
Inside the library, which turned out to be a multistoried maze, I found Drake.
“Where’s Brendan?” I asked as he pored over an ancient-looking book on a massive table.
“With Yvette. It’s just us.”
The room was covered in shelves, and there were a number of staircases leading upwards. I stepped on one to look up, and I tried to count the levels. It seemed endless. Maybe I should have asked the others for help inside the library. At the rate I was going, we’d grow old and die in Yvette’s library.
“Massive, isn’t it?” Drake said. “I wasn’t quite expecting this. Perhaps we should take a quick look now and find a way for the others to help without us getting in each other’s way.”
I shivered as a draught lifted my hair. The room was much colder than my quarters had been. I moved to the fireplace. The fire in the hearth was the same colour as Yvette’s hair.
“I don’t trust her,” I whispered.
Drake closed the book with more vigour than necessary. “That’s because she’s taking Brendan’s attention from you.”
“No, it’s because she’s suspicious.”
“Kings marry, Cara. That’s how it works.”
“Yeah, I’ve noticed.” I dropped my gaze. “I’m sorry.”
When I looked at him again, he was clutching the mantelpiece. I decided to try again.
“Don’t you think it’s a little odd how this place used to be an unliveable ruin, and now it’s the only blight-free part of the realm?”
His violet eyes darkened. “No, I don’t think it’s odd.”
“How she suddenly turns up with money and power behind her, but nobody really knows who these people are?”
He let out a weary sigh.
“She called it a treasure,” I said. “She knew what Brendan meant when he said we needed to find a stone.”
“Many nobles are familiar with faery lore.”
“She just makes my skin crawl.”
He clutched at his chest. “You are jealous.”
“I’m a freaking queen,” I said lightly. “What do I have to be jealous of?”
“You want him,” he persisted. “And this is driving you crazy.”
“Or maybe I don’t want it to end up like you and me!” I blurted. “I hate this. We were friends. More than friends. And now we can barely have a conversation together. Your wife hates me, and everyone’s always watching to see what we’ll do, and every time I look at my daughter’s face, all I see is you!”
He moved toward me. “You know how sorry I am.”
“Sorry isn’t magic. It can’t fix how I feel—how I'll always feel. I made friends here, and now I’ve lost them all. Zoe’s in the human realm. So are my grandparents. I have to keep away to protect them. Grim and Realtín are part of a rival court. I only get to see them when something is wrong. Anya’s going to marry Arlen, who’s decided he hates my guts, and Líle was so depressed she wanted me to give her a suicide mission, for fuck’s sake.”
“What did she—”
“It doesn’t matter! The point is that I can’t talk to you or Brendan, and the people in my own home want a queen, not a friend. I can’t even feel happy without feeling guilty. Bekind’s the only one who never goes away, and she spends more time as a cat than anything else. And I can’t see her now because she’s with my daughter. And I miss everyone. I miss Scarlet”—my voice broke on her name—“and I miss the way everything used to be. I’m so… so lonely.”
He reached out for my hand. “We’re all lonely. Brendan is. I am. The crown is a curse. I tried to protect you from it, but you misunderstood me. You thought I wanted the power.”
“You acted as though you wanted the power.”
“It’s all an act. Haven’t you learned yet? I have to hurt people and be cruel and distant. I have to stay away from people I care about because I need to be in control, and one small off-balance step could destroy my entire court. You feel like I’ve hurt you, and I’m truly sorry for every moment of pain I’ve caused you, but it’s nothing compared to what the alternative could have been.”
I slipped into a seat. He joined me at the table—the old Drake, for a change.
“I don’t know what I’m doing,” I admitted. “They wanted me for the wrong reasons. They think I can force you and Brendan to follow my lead, but I can’t, and I don’t even want to. They think I’ll be pliable, that I’ll sway when they ask for things. They bitch and moan, and I don’t know who I can trust. The people who used to be on my side look at me the way they looked at Sadler. It’s like… I think I’m doing my best, that I’m making good decisions, and then it backfires, and I’m the one to blame. I can’t win.”
“There are no winners. It’s not as easy as Brendan makes it look.”
I laughed, wiping away a stray tear. “They do seem to respect him most of the time.”
“You earned a kingdom. They must respect you for that.”
I blew out a shaky breath. “Do you remember when we asked Sadler’s people to change sides?”
He nodded.
“The first one was a servant. She was probably the shortest, most terrified person there, and she was the first to walk over to my side.”
r /> “I remember her.”
“When I was trapped with Sadler, she used to bring me food. She was so nervous of me, but she was sweet. I thought I could give her a better life this time. She slept in my room and took care of Scarlet and the other children. She made me call her Rat because she didn’t have a real name. I still don’t know why she was called Rat.”
“Was?” he said softly.
I licked my lips, but they tasted like shame. “I told the court they were free men and women and said that Deorad’s children were no longer nameless. I thought I was doing something good, but one of those free men decided to rape Rat when nobody else was around. She fought back because I'd told her she wasn’t worthless, and he killed her. He killed her for no reason other than she stopped him from getting what he wanted. He thought he was entitled to her body because he was free.”
“What did you do?”
I traced lines in the table, slowing down the admittance of guilt, as if that would change what had happened. “I cleaned her body myself. I cried. I made them all feel sorrow, and I made them sorry. And all the while, that man was outside, tied to stakes meant for the garden. I made him wait—made everyone wait—and then I marched out there and cut him open with a knife. My dagger. I held his gaze as I twisted the knife, but I didn’t finish him off. I walked away and let him die slowly out there. And nobody tried to stop me. Nobody said a word about it.” I looked at him. In for a penny… “And I didn’t care. I was happy he died. It didn’t feel right to let him walk around after what he did.”
“How do you feel about it now?”
“I don’t know. I think… I’m still glad he’s dead and that I was the one to do it. I’m glad nobody stopped me. I was in control, I was in charge, and that felt better than I'd expected. And a part of me felt relieved. I didn’t feel relief when Deorad died. He was too pathetic. I couldn’t equate what he had done with the body lying on that bed. It was just his shell I'd destroyed. The real Deorad was long gone. Did you know I was the one who killed Reynard?”
He looked taken aback as he shook his head in answer.
“Well, I did. I chickened out, and he attacked me, and when I finally got the better of him, it felt right, as if I had made the world safer. And then I pretty much forgot he'd ever existed. With Sadler, I was too scared to feel anything. I panicked, and I couldn’t let him live. I couldn’t risk being trapped with him again—or worse, Scarlet being under his influence.” My fingers trembled.
“I should have realised my mistake.” He laid his hand on mine. “I should have warned you. I wanted information. I didn’t truly want him to live. I made a lot of mistakes that day. If I had but spoken to you…”
But I still didn’t think I could have let him take the Dark Court.
“Three enemies—three people I had good reason to hate—died by my hands without me feeling much of anything,” I said softly. “Then this one faery, whose real name I didn’t even know, died, and it felt like my world was suddenly complete. I was relieved and frightened by my own hate and a million other emotions I can’t even begin to describe.”
“Delayed reaction,” he said.
“It looks like you were right about me. I have changed. I have lost the things that made me human.”
“I wasn’t right. Perhaps, in some part of your mind, you were killing men like Deorad and Sadler again and maybe even your own father.”
“Biological or other?” I asked wryly.
“Both?” He squeezed my hand. “I know how much guilt you feel about your mother. How her life changed because of your birth—and even your conception. That man raped her, and you grew up to change the lives of all of them—your brother, your mother, and the man you knew as your father. Perhaps you were killing all of those memories when you took the life of Rat's murderer.”
“Killing people isn’t really a legitimate form of therapy, you know.”
“We’re in a dying realm that was cut away from the world that gave it life. You’ve had a lot of adjusting to do and a lot of guilt you needed to let go of.”
“I just earned myself new guilt,” I said. “How can that ever be good?”
“New guilt hasn’t had years to chew you up.”
The door opened, and he pulled his hand away and smoothed his expression.
“You really need to teach me the straight-face thing,” I said under my breath.
The corner of his lip twitched. Bran stood at the door. “They’ve sent word that dinner is ready. We’re to join Yvette and Brendan for the meal.”
I exchanged a look with Drake before nodding, and we stood. “Thanks,” I said before we left. “It was good to… talk.”
He smiled, a glimpse of the real Drake shining through. “I had missed it.”
I desperately wanted to tell him what I had seen in the mirror about Sorcha, but I just couldn’t.
As we were led down winding corridors to have dinner, Rumble touched my arm. “I’ll taste everything before you eat it.”
“That’s kind of rude.”
“Better to be rude than dead.”
“And who’s to protect me when you’re dead?”
He nodded at Bran. “The boy. The daoine sídhe wouldn’t like to see a motherless child either.”
I smiled. “It would be really stupid to poison me here in front of the kings.”
“Or very clever, if you planned on getting rid of one of those kings, too.”
“Brendan would be pissed,” I said. “He wouldn’t stand for that.”
“He may not have a choice,” Rumble murmured. “There are more soldiers in this castle than the Darkside. Imagine what’s outside, patrolling the rest of their land. This is a place of great power and magic. Can’t you feel it?”
I nodded. The library had cleared my head. The atmosphere had felt normal in there. Walking through the rest of the castle felt like a dream. I entered the dining room to see Yvette leaning over Brendan’s shoulder and decided maybe “nightmare” was a better word for it.
Yvette looked surprised to see us. “I had almost forgotten we weren’t alone.”
“Find anything?” Brendan asked me.
My cheeks burned. “Uh, not yet.”
He gave me an odd look. The dinner began. We, the guests, were the only ones at the table apart from Yvette and her women.
“Where are the rest of your family?” I asked as Rumble began the job of tasting everything in my cup and plate. Brendan watched him with a great deal of curiosity. My cheeks burned hotter.
Yvette tore her gaze away from Brendan long enough to wave her hand at me. “Oh, travelling.”
“Will you wait for their return before you let Brendan take the ship?” Drake asked.
She frowned a little then gave him her attention. “I’ll be taking the ship as soon as Brendan is ready to leave.”
“I need to know we’ve found the stone first,” he said.
“The library is huge,” she said dismissively. “It’ll take them an age to find anything in there.”
I stiffened. Was that what she wanted? Maybe Drake was right. Maybe I was being too hard on her because of my own issues.
She smiled at me then, but it was a sly smile, the kind that hid something vile. “I trust the library was… comfortable enough for the both of you.” Her tone was full of silent accusation, as though she thought she knew something about us.
“What?” I asked sharply.
She widened her eyes innocently. “The chairs. They are comfortable, aren’t they? If not, I can send alternatives for you.”
“They’re fine,” I managed to eke out through my clenched teeth. I wasn’t being too hard on her. She was trouble. “Thank you, Rumble,” I said loudly, drawing attention to the fact we didn’t trust Yvette.
Brendan studied me with a condemnatory look. He was already turning against me. Sighing, I picked at my food. Finally, I rose to my feet. “I’m going back to the library. The sooner we find that stone, the better.”
“She’s so ri
ght,” Yvette was saying as I left. “But finish your meal. I still have to give you that tour, remember?”
With clenched fists, I left the room with Rumble and Bran, having the awful feeling I was leaving Brendan in the den of a she-devil. But he was a grown-up, just like the rest of us. It wasn’t my business. I just had to keep reminding myself of that.
Chapter Twenty
The next two days were spent exploring the library. Brendan was still occupied by Yvette’s company, but since the bookcases stretched over numerous floors, the rest of us, including Brendan’s team of soldiers, searched their length and breadth. The place was full of artefacts and books, and all of them existed in a castle Brendan hadn’t even known existed until recently.
“How come they get to keep all of the cool stuff?” I asked as I poked at the glass case housing an eyeball that was larger than my head.
“Because they preserved it, probably.” Dymphna stuck her head around a stack of books to look at me. “The queens were never interested in this, as far as I’m aware.”
“Was Yvette friends with the queens then?” I wondered aloud.
“Gossiping again?” Brendan asked, startling me.
I looked at him, concerned by his red-rimmed eyes. The vitality was gone, and he looked weary.
“You look exhausted,” I said. “Why do you look exhausted?”
“Because I haven’t been sleeping.” He frowned. “Why are you looking at me that way?”
I shrugged.
“And why have none of you come to dinner?”
“We’re not invited,” I said.
“Food simply appears here,” Dymphna added.
“Besides,” I said a little bitchily, “some of us don’t have time for dinner dates.”
Dymphna made a sound of agreement.
“Well, if the women are angry, I must be in the wrong,” Brendan said, giving me his most charming smile.
I made a face and walked away, but he followed. “Haven’t you found anything yet?”
“Haven’t you seen the size of this place?” I gestured toward the staircase and upward. “We haven’t seen Bran since yesterday. He’s probably wandering around the book stacks, crying for help.”