I shifted my gaze from the floor to my hands, studying my fingernails without really seeing them.
“Are you going to look at me?” he asked finally.
“I know what you look like.” Despite my words, I turned my head. I knew it'd be childish of me not to, and what I said had been juvenile enough. I needed to be a grown up about this. I wasn’t five and I wasn’t being scolded by my mother for putting itching powder in Vic’s shoes or tying all of Franky’s socks into knots.
Not that I’d done any of that.
Ash looked awful. It was as though he’d aged decades in the past couple hours. His face was hollow, eyes dull. Somehow, in the hours that had passed between his declaration on the steps and now, the light that had been inside him seemed to have died out.
I felt the same way myself. Empty. “What do you want, Ash? Why are we still doing this?” I asked. The sound of my own voice made me flinch, but I kept going, saying all of the things I'd reminded myself of over the last couple hours. All the reasons why this wouldn't work. “Nothing's going to change. You want to control, to dominate, and not just in the bedroom. You told me that in a Dominant / Submissive relationship, there has to be trust, and that's the problem. You expect trust when it comes to sex, but you won't give it anywhere else. And that's fine if all you want is sex, but I'm not wired that way. Part of it's my fault for thinking we could have that in the bedroom, and at least be friends outside of it. But even that doesn't work with you. You don't respect me.”
His jaw tightened and I knew I was hurting him. I could see it, and I hated myself for it, but I wasn’t going to lose myself to him.
My voice hitched as I continued, “You don't love me, Ash. You want to possess me. And, sooner or later, it will break me. And I'll hate myself. I'll hate you.”
“I don’t want to...” He looked down, rubbing at the back of his neck. Shoulders slumped and head bowed, he looked defeated. “You're right. I'm a control freak. And I don't trust anyone. You know about Lily...”
“No,” I snapped, irritated. Shaking my head, I got to my feet and started to pace. “I don't want to hear about how your ex vanished and that's why you can't–”
“She sent me a letter,” he interrupted. “I never told Isadora because I wanted her to remember Lily as a good person, someone who loved us both.” He turned slightly so he wasn't facing me. “But she hadn't loved both of us. She'd never loved me. It'd all been a lie.”
My heart broke, but not only for the man standing in front of me. It broke for the young man who'd given up everything for his sister, who'd thought he'd found a ray of happiness in all of the grief. And then found out that it'd been a lie.
“I never wanted to be hurt like that again, so I closed down,” he said quietly. “I threw myself into my work, into raising Isadora. I told myself that she was the only person I could love because I knew she'd never betray me. She was the only person I could trust. And for years, she's been the only person I've ever wanted to let close.” He turned back towards me, eyes intent. “Until I met you.”
I swallowed hard. I wanted to believe him. I was tired of fighting with him, of being hurt by him.
“I tried so hard to not...I thought if I reduced what I felt for you to just sex, it'd go away. But it didn't. I couldn't stop thinking about you, wanting you. Yes, I want to control, to dominate you. I want to possess you because it's the only way I know how...” He swallowed hard. “I'm desperately in love with you, Toni.”
The baldly stated words made my heart clutch and I wrapped my arms around my middle. He came towards me and I wanted to run. I wanted to run as fast and far as I could and never look back. What I felt for him was too big, too scary, and I'd meant what I said. He had the power to break me, and if he did, I'd hate myself. And him.
When he reached me, he went to his knees in front of me and I stared down at him. He put his hands on my hips and gently coaxed me down to sit on the chair. We were the same height now and it took all my self-control not to look away. He slid his fingers into my hair, cupping my head in his hands. “You're the only woman I'll go to my knees for. I'll beg, if that's what it takes. Just tell me. Please, Toni. Just tell me what to do.”
Fuck.
I was still a novice to all this Dominant / Submissive thing, but I knew Ash, and I knew what it cost him to say those words, to ask me to tell him what to do. His fingers moved to cradle the back of my head and I fought a groan when he began to massage my scalp. Reflexively, I let my head slump forward, resting high on his chest.
“If you don't love me, if you don't want me, just tell me, please,” he said into my ear. “And I'll get up right now, and leave you alone. Doug can arrange for your safety, and I won't bother you again. But you have to tell me that you don't care about me.”
Damn him.
“I can't,” I whispered.
He tilted my head back until I met his searching gaze.
“You can't?” The vulnerable hope in his voice was my undoing.
I shook my head. “No. Because it wouldn't be true.”
The feel of his mouth on mine sent a shock through me and I shivered. His hands slid down my back and my arms moved to circle his neck. When he tugged me down onto his lap, I went slowly, although I couldn't say reluctantly.
He paused as he slid his lips down the line of my neck. “Do you want me to stop?” His breath was hot against my already over-heated skin.
My body definitely didn't want him to stop. Ever. But my brain was still looking out for my heart.
I pushed myself away from him and stood. It was easier to do this if he wasn’t touching me. “You need to understand something,” I said. “I'm done with the back and forth shit. I'm not expecting an overnight change, but if I don't see you trying to do better, if you aren't respecting me and my opinions, I’m gone, Ash. I'm not going to give you a warning, and I'm not going to let you in the next time you come around. It'll be over. For good.”
He nodded his understanding. “I will do better. And when I start to be a domineering asshole – outside of the bedroom…” He canted a grin at me. “Then I want you to call me on it. I’ll listen.”
“Will you?” I wanted to believe him.
He stood in front of me, his expression serious. “I will.” He leaned down and pressed his lips to mine. This time, the kiss was deeper and...different. Hotter, sweeter, more intimate. It was almost like he was kissing me for the first time.
When he lifted his head, I was shaking, my body swirling with myriad emotions. My knees were weak, but his hands were on my hips, holding me up, giving me strength.
He pressed his mouth to my ear. “I want you naked.”
The words were soft, more like a question than an order. With a start, I realized he was waiting for permission.
“Since when do you wait for anything?” I asked him.
“Since I'm trying to prove to you that I can be different.”
My stomach clenched. He was serious.
“I never said I wanted anything different in the bedroom.”
His eyes darkened and, for a moment, he didn't do anything at all. Then he moved with a speed that left me breathless. He scooped me up into his arms and headed straight for the stairs. I had a feeling that if the sitting room had a door, he wouldn't have even bothered taking me upstairs.
He went into the first door he came to and kicked the door closed behind him. I looked around, surprised that we weren't in a bedroom, but what must've been some sort of small sitting room or reading room. He carried me over to a fat, over-stuffed love seat, and put me down on the heavily padded top before fumbling with my jeans.
Precariously perched there, I swayed a little as he dealt with my shoes, and then tugged me down so he could get me out of my jeans.
“One of these days,” he said against my lips. “I'm going to make love to you slow and easy.”
I could have told him that I didn't want slow and easy, but then he was lifting me onto the top of the love seat again. A moment la
ter, he buried himself inside me, and I cried out his name. His fingers bit into the soft skin of my ass as his cock stretched me wide. I whimpered at the conflicting sensations of pain and pleasure. It happened so fast, my body wasn't prepared, no matter how much I wanted it.
He rested his forehead against mine as he held himself still inside me. “I love you, baby. Please, don't leave me.”
I strained against him, gasping when I felt his body rub against my clitoris. He shoved his hand under my shirt, cupping my breast through the material of my bra. He teased first one nipple, and then the other into hard, demanding points. I writhed against him, desperate for him to move.
“I love you,” he said again, the words fiercer this time. With his free hand, he yanked on my hair, forcing my head back so that we were staring at each other. Staring into his eyes, I realized he was serious. He meant it.
I let go of his shoulders and reached up to cup his face. Drawing him down, I brushed my lips against his. Only then did he begin to move, harsh, demanding strokes that drove deep inside me. I squeezed my eyes closed and pressed my face against his neck. Every thrust sent a shudder through me as he reached places inside me that no one else had ever been. And it wasn't just physical I forced myself to admit. I could feel the difference. He wanted my pleasure, but not for him. He wanted it for me.
As if sensing some of what I had inside me, the demanding pace of his strokes slowed and Ash eased his grip on my hair.
I kissed his neck, tasting the faint tang of salt. My lips brushed over his skin as I spoke, “I love you.”
His entire body went rigid.
And then he surged upright against me, hard and fast three times. He said my name as we came, clutching me against him. As he pulsed inside me, I came too. I clung to him, riding out my orgasm as I listened to him whispering over and over again.
“I love you. Please, don't leave me.”
I loved him too, but the words in my head weren't me asking him not to leave me, so I didn't say them out loud. That didn't stop them from repeating in my mind though.
I love you. Please, don't hurt me.
Chapter 11
Ash
Isadora wisely kept up a running banter in the room. She almost sounded like her old self, but I could tell the difference. And I hated it. It made it that much more important that we find Trask and stop him. Personally, I wanted to be the one to find him. Find him and beat him to death with his own spine, but that wasn’t looking very likely.
Marcum had called with an update while Toni and I had still been...occupied upstairs. We'd moved from the reading room to my bedroom and I'd finally been able to take my time with her.
It still hadn't been enough time. I knew as soon as I'd brought her to climax again and again, felt her writhing in pleasure beneath me, that all the time in the world wouldn't be enough.
And then Isadora had been at my door, saying Marcum was on the phone and trying not to sound smug.
It had been only three hours since she'd left, and I hadn't been expecting a call any time before next week, especially after she'd told us to be patient. But then she’d called and sounded excited, said her partner had something. She’d be in touch.
I didn't know what that meant. He had something? What was it? What were they going to do about it? Would it lead them to Trask?
“You’re brooding.”
Toni’s soft voice, spoken directly into my ear, went straight to my cock. I had to fight the urge to turn to her and pull her closer. Kiss her. Lose myself in her. This wasn’t the time or the place, but I had too much tension built up inside me and I could think of only one way to burn it off.
Hell, I would've wanted her even if I hadn't been tense.
I still kept seeing her walking down the stairs with her suitcase in hand.
Nothing would erase that memory from my mind, but maybe if I had her wrapped around my cock for a good two or three hours a day for a couple weeks, a month, a year, the impact of what almost happened would lessen.
“Not going to talk to me?” Toni teased quietly.
“Too busy brooding.” I tried to smile, but didn’t do a very good job of it. Shooting a look at the clock, I muttered, “Why didn't she just tell us what the hell she had?”
Toni squeezed my hand. “If you keep staring at the clock, it’s going to make time go very, very slow.”
I brought her hand to my lips and kissed it before letting go. I leaned towards the table, glaring at my laptop as it sat open in front of me. Toni had sent me everything she'd gotten from her brother, but I didn't know why I bothered staring at it. I wouldn't find anything.
Trask had left the country after he'd gotten out of jail. If he wanted revenge, why hadn't he gotten it then? Had he only come back now because he was broke? Had he kidnapped Isadora to get money?
“He gets arrested fifteen years ago.” I was barely aware I was speaking out loud. “Gets out of jail ten years ago and moves. Comes back just as Isadora gets taken.” I ran my hand through my hair. I was overdue for a cut. “There's a record of him coming into the country, but nothing since.”
“Your mumbling is going to drive me crazy.” Toni ran her hand along my arm, and, for a moment, I let myself enjoy her touch, but then I focused back on the keyboard, trying to jog my brain into working.
Why couldn't we find him?
It hit me.
They hadn't been able to find the money he'd taken either.
“Son of a bitch.” I did a search of Trask's name, and pulled up everything I could find about the trial. I'd been a teenager when it first happened, but there was something I just remembered. “He had a partner. Or, at least, everyone had assumed he did. Reuben Stefanos. They never found him. Search warrants are still active.”
But what if there'd been no Reuben Stefanos? What if the name had been an alias Trask had used to hide his funds?
And what if he was using part of that alias now to stay under the radar?
The first combination – Reuben Trask – was a bust. I tried Stefan Trask next. Nothing. Stefanos Reubens. Stefan Reuben. Jackpot.
And then I started to read.
“Son of a bitch,” I breathed.
“What is it?” Toni asked.
I glanced over at Isadora. I didn't want to say it, not with her here. It would break her. Her eyes narrowed as she came over to where Toni and I were sitting.
“What is it, Ash?”
I wanted to tell her not to look, but I knew my sister. That'd just make her more determined to see it.
“When Daniel Trask was arrested, the FBI thought he had a partner named Reuben Stefanos, but nothing was ever found. I was just thinking that maybe Trask was using versions of those names as an alias.” I explained it as quickly as possible so she wouldn't be completely shocked when she saw it. “He was. Stefan Reuben.”
“And you know it's Trask because...” Her voice trailed off as she got close enough to see what was on my screen. “Son of a bitch.”
“Will someone tell me what's going on?” Colton came to stand behind her.
“It's a fucking picture of Daniel Trask.” Isadora's voice was shaking as she read the caption next to the picture. “'Stefan Reuben enjoys local BBQ with wife, Caitlin Holmes, and step-daughter...Lily.”
I read it and I was looking at the picture, but I still didn't believe it. Not even hearing Isadora say it. But there was no doubt. The picture was on the grainy side, but it was clear enough for me to identify the man as Daniel Trask.
And the teenage girl next to him as my ex.
“She was...” Isadora sank down next to me. Her face was pale, her eyes wide. “Do you think...no...I mean...”
“I told you what her letter said.”
Toni wrapped her arms around my waist and rested her chin on my shoulder as I spoke. I put my hand over hers and squeezed, letting her know I appreciated the comfort.
“You think Trask had Lily dating you?” Isadora asked. “That she was spying or something?”
&n
bsp; “I don't know,” I answered honestly. I didn't know. But I sure as hell had my suspicions.
“Who's Lily?” Colton's voice was low.
In a hurried, hushed tone, I heard Isadora give her boyfriend a quick summary. Colton uttered a low oath, and I thought I might end up liking him after all.
“Do you think Lily went to Monaco?” Toni asked softly. “After she...left.”
“Where's her mom now?” Isadora asked suddenly.
“What?” I looked over at her.
“Lily's mom. Caitlin Holmes.” Isadora leaned closer to me and gestured at the screen. “She told us she didn't have family. Was she just keeping us from her mom because her mom didn't know what Trask was doing?”
I scrolled further down, and sucked in a breath. “She died.” I felt Toni stiffen behind me. “Caitlin Holmes died two months before I met Lily. Suicide.”
“Can you find the exact date Trask was released from prison?” Toni asked.
I threw a curious look over my shoulder.
“I have a hunch,” she said.
It took me a couple of minutes, but when I found it, I swore again. “He got out the same day Lily disappeared.”
Toni nodded grimly. “That's what I thought.”
We all turned to look at her.
“Share.” The word was terse, but I squeezed her hand to make sure she understood it wasn't because of her.
“I'm just guessing here,” she said. “But I think at some point, Trask told his family who he really was, and when Caitlin committed suicide, he convinced Lily that your family was somehow at fault. He used that to convince Lily to spy on you guys.”
My heart squeezed in my chest. I didn't want to believe what I was hearing, but on some level, it made sense.
“I think she ended up caring about you,” Toni continued. “And when Trask got out of jail, he wanted her to help him with something.” Her eyes slid to Isadora and then back to me. “Maybe a kidnapping.”
“Shit,” Isadora breathed.
“I think she refused, and that's why she left.” Toni let the statement sit for a few seconds before she added, “She wrote that letter and then she...vanished.”