I always hated waking up. It sucked having to leave my heart in some cold, dark place, to be forced to endure its absence for an entire day. From where I come from, a few girls used to call me a heartless bitch. They had no idea just how right they were, because each night I was forced to leave my heart in the dream world.
Bane was right. My heart truly did belonged to him.
Morning's light had not yet crept across the sky. My room was still dark. The boxes were no longer highlighted by the moonlight, but this was perfectly fine by me. They reminded me of everything that Addy was trying to leave behind. Little did she know, it all came with me. Forever I would carry Barron's scars. Not only on the surface of my skin, but far within the depths of my soul.
I was suddenly overcome by the need to write in my journal.
Except, I didn't have one.
I quickly remembered not remembering putting it anywhere, and I couldn't remember having it when I returned to the trailer park.
I shot out of bed and flipped on the light. I tore all the blankets off the mattress. I spun in a circle, looking around on the floor. Then I ran out of the room, turning on lights as I retraced my steps from last night.
The last place I remembered having it was in Oak Park. I had tucked it under my arm when I climbed the riverbank. I had to have dropped it somewhere.
My heart began to pound heavily against my breast. That journal was me. A naked me. It was the deep, dark internal-ness of my being. It was my dreams and my past and my fears and the tears I could not shed. That journal was my lifeline, a secondary skin into which I stuffed all the ugly stuff.
I would be utterly devastated if someone were to find it.
In my bare feet and without my leather jacket, I bolted from the house, out into the misty pre-dawn. As I ran, retracing the path that I had taken last night, I kept my eyes on the ground, searching for the little black notebook. The large, iron gates to the park were closed. I quickly climbed the fence, dropped to the ground and jogged into the dense and dark woods. When I reached the rope bridge, I stopped and leaned over the edge, looking down at the rushing, bubbling water below, hoping I hadn't dropped it over the dam. If I had, I would have to look down stream. It certainly would not have survived a long, rapid bath in the river, but I wanted it back, damaged or not.
I decided that first I would follow my path to the river's edge, to where I had been sitting just before sundown. If it wasn't there, then either someone had found it or it had fallen, slid down the riverbank and had gone over the dam.
I crossed the bridge and entered yet another dense and dark area of the park. Humongous oak trees towered above me. Their canopy of leaves blotted out the trace of light that was now in the sky, casting an even darker darkness into the park. I had to slow my pace so that I could search the ground better in the poor light. I clumsily slid down the river bank. Loose dirt crumbled and toppled to the river below. When I reached the spot where I had been sitting earlier and found that my journal was not there, I looked around me again and then again before I actually accepted the fact that it was not there. I dropped to my bum, fell my forehead to my knees and let out a sigh. My only hope now was that I'd find it washed up onto the shore down the river somewhere.
After a silent prayer to a god I did not believe in, I rose to my feet and rushed up the side of the riverbank. As soon as I reached the top, I bounce off a solid wall of muscle. I went sailing backward. I thought that I was going to fall into the river, but Sean caught me quickly, snatching me up by the wrist and jerking me back to safety even before my mind could catch up to what was happening.
"I wondered how long it would take for you to come back to me," Sean said, grinning in mock victory. He was still holding my wrist tightly.
"I wasn't looking for you. I was looking for my. . . ." I stopped myself from telling him. I wasn't sure I wanted him to know that I had lost my journal. What if he tried to find it before I did? And what if he did find it before I did?
"I'm looking for something else," I said, instead. Then I pulled my wrist out of his grasp and stepped sideways, away from him.
"Why? When everything you could ever want or need is right here," Sean said, opening up his arms as if to display himself to me. Looking at him, his gorgeous face, his massive body, caused my mind to stop rushing off ahead of me in pursuit of my notebook, and I realized that I was alone with Sean, the high priest, the warlock I was warned to stay away from. My body tensed with this realization.
"You're pretty arrogant," I said, even my voice sounded tense. I hated that. I was brave and strong, and I wanted Sean to know this. I wanted to be able to display this so that I didn't look so vulnerable to him.
"And you are pretty interested," he countered.
"How would you know?"
"I know everything, remember?" he said, with a crooked grin that caused my stomach to flutter. He was so absolutely wonderful to gaze upon. I could sit and do nothing but that all night long and be perfectly content. If he was asleep, that is. And not staring at me with those demon-infested eyes.
"Then what's my favorite color" I asked, knowing this would be a difficult question to answer since I had two of them and sometimes it was one without the other.
"Purple. Or is it Black? That depends on your mood, now doesn't it?"
I felt my mouth fall open. It took me a minute to recover. No one, not even my own mother, knew this about me.
"What's my favorite hobby?" I asked. This question was far more technical. It was certainly going to require a much more complex answer. I was anxious to see what he would come up with.
"That depends, once again, on your mood. When you are very upset you like to ride with reckless abandon on your Harley Davidson. When you are not so upset, you like to sit by the river and write, usually in a journal. Sometimes poetry. This very river runs through your father's back yard. You favored a particular spot near Moss when you wrote. Do you know why you have such a strong attraction to the water, while at the same time you are so deathly afraid of it that you have never learned to swim?"
"No," I said, just barely above a whisper. Shock had affected my tongue.
"Somewhere within you, you are aware of the cleansing energy of water. And there are things within you that you long to cleanse. I can show you how. I can cleanse you, Luna."
This man had the makings of a true demon slayer.
But why, then, had he not slain his own?
"How do you know these things?" I asked. But again, more importantly, I wanted to know why? Why did he know these things?
"I have already told you. It is magic."
Sean Hylander was a witch, a warlock, I reminded myself. So why was I having such a hard time believing him? If it was magic, though, there was still more to it than this. I could feel it in my gut.
"I should be going now," I said. I shifted my weight, about to leave, but at the very same time, as if he saw it coming, Sean clasped a hand to my wrist and gently stopped me.
"Stay with me, Luna. Talk to me. I would very much enjoy your company this fine morning."
I wanted to accept his invitation, but that voice inside me that was warning me that Sean was evil, just wouldn't shut up. For one brief moment, I wondered if Bane could have been that voice. Could my Dark Angel speak to me in my waking hours as well?
How awesome that would be!
But this made me sad. I wanted Bane's company more than I wanted anyone else's. Here. Now. In the real world. And I would never have that. This was heart-crushing when I actually allowed myself to think about it.
Even Bane said that he and Sean were much alike. If I couldn't have Bane, Sean would have to do.
"What would we talk about?" I asked, looking up into his sapphire eyes.
"You. And me."
"What about us?"
"Say yes, Luna. Yes, you will be my girl. Yes, you will be thrilled that I will become your master."
"I don't even know you. And I've never dated anyone before." What I didn't tell him was tha
t I did need a master. A demon slayer, to be more precise. I needed to say yes so that I could continue to experience the softness in his eyes and the deep connection I felt with him.
"You will learn me. And I will teach you how to be my girl."
I pulled my wrist free from his grasp and wrapped my arms around myself. I was certain the chill that came over me was not from the cool, misty air. Not only had I seen how my father treated my mother, the black eyes, the bruises, but I had also been taught by his how a man treated a woman. I wasn't ready to invite that kind of drama into my life. Actually, I would never be ready for that again. Men were mean. I wanted nothing to do with any of them any time soon. I was confident I knew what Sean meant when he said he'd teach me. And I was confident that I would never be taught. If Barron couldn't do it, no one could.
"I'm totally un-teachable," I said, hearing the finality in my tone. I had decided. I would not say yes to Sean. I would not be his girl.
"I am a formidable match. Not to mention, I am a very devoted teacher. Besides, the fact that you are intractable is precisely a part of your character that interests me."
I crinkled-up my brows at him. "Really? What an odd thing to be interested in," I said, but even as I was saying this, I thought about some of the odd things that drew me to Sean: His massiveness, his rough and tough demeanor and the way he emanated an energy that commanded obedience and respect, much like a king, or maybe even a high priest would. These were the exact things about a man that I despised. Yet, they were the things that drew me to Sean.
I wondered what other flaws of mine he was drawn to. I was totally unaware of the possibility that a man could have any interest in a woman beyond what she could offer him in his bedroom.
I had to know more.
"So, ugh. . . ." I struggled for the right words, ones that wouldn't make me sound childish or girly. "What else draws you to me?"
The way Sean was looking at me, exploring every inch of my face with his eyes, made it seem as if he believed that the answer to my question would be found on the surface of my skin. His examination of me made my pulse quicken. His eyes were like fingers, delicate and soft, caressing me with a feather-soft touch.
"Your rebellious nature."
He moved closer, while staring into my eyes.
"Your temerity."
He was right there, now inches away from me.
I couldn't breathe. He towered over me like the Oaks. I felt much smaller than I actually was.
"Your virginity; your snow-melt. You are pure and clean. Untouched by man. The fact that no matter how hard you try, you can not seem to remember how to breathe when I am near you." His voice was now a husky whisper that caused my insides to swirl. He raised his hand and touched my face with his large palm, rendering me helpless beneath his touch. He moved even closer, bringing his face down to mine. His lips brushed my cheek. His fingers combed through my hair to the back of my head and curled into a gentle fist. "The fact that you fear me," he whispered, his words hot in my ear.
Sean recognized the emotion even before I did. Beneath the swirling of excitement that was induced by his nearness, I was afraid. But before my mind could start flashing various pictures of what could happen next, Sean let go of me and stepped away. I was left there, to figure out on my own how to regain control of the swirling and pounding that was going on inside me.
"Say yes, Little One," he said.
I wondered how he could be so casual and calm, while I was such a mess inside.
"Yes." The word rose up out of nowhere and simply slipped out through my lips. I quickly clamped my hand over my mouth. I had no idea I had intended to say that word. I had no idea how the hell it rolled off my tongue.
Was it magic? Was it possible that Sean had made me say that?
Sean smiled. A look of self gratification twinkled in his eyes. "Very well," he said.
I didn't say that on purpose! It was an accident," I blurted. Sean's smile grew in his lips, as he brushed a tendril of hair away from my face, gently, as if I was made of delicate porcelain.
You did say that on purpose. Which, I must share, was a wise decision. I do not take no for an answer. We belong together, Luna, you and I. We were designed to be bound. I have known this for quite some time. You belong to me."
What Sean was saying didn't feel right. I didn't belong to him. I would never belong to anyone.
Not anyone in the real world, that is.
I belonged to the Dark Angel of my dreams.
"Come," Sean offered his hand, but I only looked at it. I was in shock. I had said yes, and I totally did not mean to. I had said yes and now that meant that I was Sean's girl.
Sean was now my boyfriend!
But. . . I never had one of those.
I did not want one of those.
"I will take you home. You will need your rest. Tonight there will be a special Sons of Hallows ceremony, and I will have you there."
I tightened my arms around myself, as if somewhere deep inside I felt like this was enough to keep me safe from him. "I was told that you were a---"
"Yes, it is true," he said, letting his arm relax at his side. He seemed disturbed by the fact that I did not take his hand. And for some silly reason, I enjoyed disturbing him. Maybe it was simply because he was disturbing me. Or maybe it was just my temerity.
"I never knew someone like you," I said, but it didn't encompass what I really meant to say. I wanted to know more. I wanted to know everything. The fact that he was a warlock and a high priest of a coven was more than intriguing. But it was kind of freaky. Like I told Dammon, I saw the movies. Was it possible that Sean and his coven were as powerful as Hollywood portrayed warlocks to be?
"True. And you never will again," he said.
"Dammon told me a little bit about you, but I'd like to know more," I said. The look in his eyes changed when I said Dammon's name. The corner of his jaw tightened. Something dark slithered in the corners of his sapphire eyes.
"Do not speak to him," Sean demanded, pronouncing each word perfectly and clearly.
"Dammon told me not to speak to you and you tell me not to speak to Dammon. Is that, like, common in this town? Everyone tells everyone not to speak to everyone?"
"Dammon told you not to speak to me." It wasn't a question, and he didn't seem to be speaking to me, really, but to himself. There was something lethal lingering in his demeanor.
"You must not like Dammon," I said.
"You will find that I will not like anyone you choose to speak to, especially anyone who is a boy."
"So, it's not Dammon you don't agree with."
"Do not speak to him," he said, pushing the words through a clenched jaw. He was getting frustrated with me, but I wasn't sure why. I understood men were unpredictable and totally wacked in the head, but I had a bad feeling that Sean was far more than these things. I really did not mean to say yes to being his girl. I was not ready for a relationship. I was not ready for that kind of hurt and pain.
You're right, I think I should go home now," I said. I quickly passed him by before he could block my path or grab my wrist to stop me. "This isn't where I belong." Before I knew it, Sean was in front of me and his arms wrapped around me, creating a prison of muscle. It was a quick embrace, one only meant to entrap me momentarily, to stop me from leaving. Sean's hands took hold of my upper arms, and he separated us, holding me there before him. He gazed down into my eyes. I saw the demon within him staring back at me. I saw a darkness identical to the one that surrounded Bane in my dreams. It was the same living, breathing darkness. It was evil. Sean was evil.
And evil had me in his grip.
Even though he was gentle, I sensed the danger I was in while in Sean's presence. These things --his darkness, his evil, the danger that wreathed him-- reminded me of Bane.
"You are frightened. I understand this," he said in a soft, deep voice. "It is to be expected. But you will abstain from your incessant desire to flee from me, Little One. You will go
when I say go. You will come when I say come."
I felt my eyebrows spike upward. I almost laughed at him. If he actually believed that I would go when he said go and come when he said come then he didn't know me at all.
"I doubt that very much! I told you, I'm un-teachable. And I don't let people tell me what to do," I said, confidently.
"Which will bring a great amount of excitement to our relationship," he ensured, grinning.
This made me go quiet. I could only imagine what he meant by this. I wanted to tell him that I was not going to have a relationship with him. I wanted to remind him that saying yes was truly an accident and that he needed to stay away from me. But I couldn't.
The demon in his eyes wouldn't let me.
"Now, come," Sean said, with an expectant tone in his voice. He backed off, offering me his hand once again. The rebel in me wanted to ignore it, to run from him just because he told me not to and then go straight to Dammon's house to talk to him, just because he told me not to. I had to prove my point. Sean, or any other man in this world, was not going to boss me around. Ever.
But the softness in his eyes, the delicate way he'd combed the hair from my face, the way I could not breathe when he was near me, where only some of the reasons as to why I wanted to feel the touch of his hand. I want to see that look return to his eyes. I want to find myself breathless from his nearness, if only just one more time.
Sean seemed patient, while waiting for me to comply. In slow motion, tentatively, I took his hand. It was warm and strong and large. His thick fingers curled around my dainty hand, softly, carefully, reminding me that he was strong and I was weak. As he led me into the direction of home, the warmth of his touch and the connection we shared, spread throughout my entire body like warm Agave, oozing around the dark corners of my being. It was nice. And I was beginning to feel excited. I had never had companionship before. At least, now outside my dream world. Maybe it was time. Maybe I was ready after all. Maybe I was strong enough to be his girl.
As Sean and I walked hand and hand on the meandering path through the trees, I was tickled by the sensation of belonging. It was not a feeling of completeness, only belonging. And that was ok. I had accepted long ago that I would never be complete because Bane was the only one who could ever do that for me, and I had known this. I had accepted this. With Bane being trapped in my dream-world forever, meant forever I would be incomplete.
But was it possible that I was wrong?
Maybe Sean was right. There was something binding us together. There was some kind of connection between him and I. Maybe it was possible that I could belong to Sean, even though he would never truly complete me. Would that then mean that I would never completely belong to him?
Just before we reached the iron gates that closed off the park, I glanced up at Sean's face.
Oh, how barbaric and beautiful he was, with that wild long hair and massive body!
Sean stopped me. His finger touched the bottom of my chin and raised my face a little more, so that he could examine me. Then, slow and confident, he lowered his face to mine. He kissed me as if we were long lost lovers, finally reuniting. It was slow and testing at first. But then passion flared through him, and the kiss intensified.
I had never felt anything like it before. Now I understood how important a kiss was in a relationship between two people who belonged to one another. A single kiss had the power to tighten bonds and strengthen commitments.
When I said yes to being his girl, I did not mean it. But now, after that amazing, magical kiss, I told myself that I would commit.
The sun was peeking over the eastern horizon by the time Sean walked me home. When he said goodbye I was quite disappointed that I wasn't given another kiss. But after curling up in my bed and closing my tiered eyes, I had decided that it was probably for the better. Another kiss like that and I would have probably been willing to do all I could to be the girl that he deserved.
Except, there was one thing he could never have. There was one thing he'd have to kill me in order to take. And that was my virginity.
My snow-melt.
****
Chapter Five
Luna