When I realized what had to happen, what I wanted to happen, my mouth went dry. Then my heart sped up, matching the flare of heat in my blood.
“I don’t need you, Shay.” I couldn’t hide the hoarse edge of my words.
Shay grunted without looking at me. He didn’t see it when I pulled my shirt off.
“But I want you,” I said. My heart felt like it was in my throat. A raw vulnerability like nothing I’d ever felt churned within me, and I knew this was what real love was like. And it was terrifying.
He finally turned toward me, pushing his hair back out of his eyes. “You wa—whoa.” He sat up, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed, but he didn’t stand.
I walked slowly toward him. “If I needed you, I wouldn’t be me.”
He didn’t reply, but I watched his Adam’s apple move up and down when he swallowed.
“Do you understand?” I asked. My hands were shaking.
Seduction was new ground for me. I’d been worried about Shay feeling rejected, but now I was the one whose nerves spiked at the thought that Shay might still be too angry to welcome me into his arms. What if he threw me out of his room? The restrictions put on alpha females hadn’t allowed me to be the pursuer; I could only be pursued. The mysterious workings of romantic relationships were still unfamiliar territory for me. It didn’t help that my pulse was racing at a pace that I thought might break the sound barrier.
“Yeah.” Shay had to clear his throat to get the word out. He rolled his shoulders back, recovering, leaning back on his elbows in a careful, but superficially casual pose. “I think so.”
“You think so?” I was only a foot away from him.
A slow smile slid across his mouth. “It would help if you showed me.”
I stopped in my tracks. Show him? I am so out of my league here.
“Unless . . .” He was still smiling. “You don’t want to.”
There was no hint of fear or doubt in his voice, only a gleam in his eyes that made them vibrant. I could see the challenge there. The wolf inside me snarled at the provocation from another alpha.
It wasn’t a matter of making a choice. Pure instinct drove me forward. I was standing over him, pressing my palms down on either side of him, forcing him to lie back. My lips curled, bearing sharpening canines. I drew a deep breath, wondering if he was afraid of me. But fear’s sharp tang didn’t linger in the air. Only Shay’s scent, thunderclouds crackling with lightning, swirled around me, mixing with the smoky amber of our mutual desire.
“This isn’t choosing,” I said, my words husky. Balance. I’m supposed to keep balance. Damn. It was going to be much, much harder than I’d realized. I wanted him so much.
Even as I battled against my passion, struggling to remember that I wasn’t allowed to be here—in Shay’s room, on his bed—my resolve evaporated. He was simply too close, his skin too warm and inviting. And I loved him. The wolf within me howled for a mate. The pull of his body was magnetic; I couldn’t turn away.
“Isn’t it?” Shay smiled. “What is it, then?”
“A lapse in judgment,” I said, though it didn’t sound convincing.
“Works for me.” Shay’s canines were sharp. His arms wrapped around me, pulling me down onto the bed. He rolled over, pinning me beneath him.
“I love you,” he murmured before he kissed me. I returned his kiss, aching to be closer to him.
“I know you don’t need me, Cal,” he said, moving his lips along my throat. “That’s why I love you. But I want you to know I belong beside you, with you. I may not have been the one chosen for you, but I want to be your mate. Your alpha.”
His words jolted through me, an electric current of desire. He understood so much about who I was. What I wanted. How I lived and loved. Heat swirled through my limbs. I slid my hands beneath his shirt, running my fingers over the muscles of his back. He pulled his shirt over his head. My heart stuttered at the sight of his carved torso giving way to the cut of his hips, the rest of his body only covered by drawstring pajama pants. In the next moment I was pushing those down too.
As the rest of my clothes peeled away, I buried lingering doubts. One night of bending my self-imposed rules to reassure Shay couldn’t hurt. Could it?
Whatever the consequences, as Shay’s hands and lips moved over my body, I knew how foolish my question was. I hadn’t slipped into Shay’s room late at night to rid him of doubts about my feelings. I was here for myself.
I twined my fingers in his hair, bringing his face close to mine. “I love you, Shay,” I said. “Always.”
SIX
THERE’S A REASON they call it the morning after. I woke up before dawn with my heart slamming against my ribs. Gray light filtered through the room. Clouds had rolled in overnight, leaving the sky above flat, the color of slate.
As I hurried to pull on my clothes and get myself out of Shay’s room before he woke up, I silently berated myself. Not only did I feel like a total bitch for leaving Shay alone not once, but twice, I also felt the potential consequences of my decision to stay with him last night piling up on my shoulders like heavy stones.
Questions darted in and out of my mind as I grabbed clean clothes from my room and rushed to shower. Would Ren know? Would Shay gloat and provoke a fight? Innumerable worst-case scenarios played out as I headed straight to the bath, all of them ending with Shay, Ren, or me bleeding and the alliance destroyed. Right now facing bear-shaped Guardians or even a wraith had more appeal than dealing with fallout from my love life. As I scrubbed my skin well past exfoliation, regret lingered, following me like a shadow. I didn’t want to pretend that last night with Shay hadn’t happened. Every kiss, every caress I shared with him felt right, made me want him even more, but revealing myself to the group could put our mission at risk. Close memories of spending the night wrapped in Shay’s arms sent a hot shiver over my skin, but I knew I had to push them away. Like so many times before, I was caught between duty and passion. Too much was at stake to let my heart rule; it had to be my head calling the shots from now on. If I chose my mate now, our shaky alliance would crumble.
When I arrived at Haldis Tactical, Anika and Pascal were already there. Flanking the Tordis Guide was a group of Searchers I didn’t know. Much to my surprise, Ren stood in their midst, and it looked like he was giving instructions. I assumed they were Pascal’s decoy team and I shivered. Ren’s plan was a good one, but he was risking himself so soon.
Ren lifted his head, almost as if he’d read my thoughts. He gave a curt nod, turning his attention back to the team. I pushed back the desire to join their group, leading beside my fellow alpha. But that wasn’t my fight. Not today.
Ethan and Sabine entered the room together. I tried not to stare. They weren’t speaking or even touching, but one glance told me it would take a force of nature to pry them even an inch farther apart. Seeing them offered a rush of relief. At least I wasn’t the only one dealing with romantic complications.
Trying my best to be casual, I approached them. “Morning.”
“Hey, Calla.” Sabine eyed me suspiciously. Apparently casual was not my forte.
Ethan just nodded.
“Did we miss the boat?” Connor asked. He sauntered in with Adne just behind him.
“You’re actually just in time,” Anika said.
“Damn.”
Adne gave me a brief wave while Connor continued his conversation with Anika.
“Hey.” I jumped at the touch of a hand on my shoulder.
“Sleep okay?” Ren asked.
“Uh . . . yeah.” So far, so good.
Never mind. Shay walked in with Mason and Nev. They were all chomping on rolls and fruit. The scent of freshly baked bread made my stomach growl.
“Hungry?” Ren grinned.
“I skipped breakfast.”
“Plenty to share.” Mason tossed me a roll. I tore into it, pretending it was hunger and not anxiety that kept me from looking at Shay. He was standing right next to Ren. I kept waiting f
or something to happen. A smirk, a smug glance—any movement that would signal to Ren where I’d spent the night. Despite how delicious the roll tasted and smelled, when I swallowed, it felt like a rock landed in my gut.
Considering I’d scrubbed my skin hard enough in the showers to leave it red and stinging for several minutes, I hoped I’d gotten every trace of Shay’s scent off me, but I didn’t dare meet his gaze. Now that he was close, I could smell thunder and rain-drenched leaves, which made my toes curl. Heat climbed into my cheeks.
Desperate to distract myself, I focused on Ren. “How about you? Good night’s sleep?”
“Not so much.” He grimaced.
I tried to keep my voice casual as I imagined Ren passing by Shay’s door and hearing what we’d been up to all night. “Your room not comfortable enough?”
He laughed. “That wasn’t the problem.”
My pulse had become a frenetic staccato. He must have found out somehow.
Ren rubbed his temples. “I had company.”
“Excuse me?” My voice took on a high pitch that I didn’t like at all.
Silas stumbled in, gasping. If it hadn’t been for his cobalt and black hair, I might not have recognized him. He’d traded in his wannabe rocker wardrobe for classic Searcher garb. There was even a sword in scabbard hanging from his waist.
“Did I miss it? Am I late?!”
Anika frowned. “Considering I granted you a special dispensation for this mission, you certainly could have been more timely.”
“Sorry, Anika.” Silas shoved his mad hair out of his face. “I couldn’t decide which writing tools would travel best. I settled on pencil and pen—one each, and a Moleskine.” He held them up proudly. “Plus I was up most of the night tutoring our new recruit.”
Ren sighed loudly enough to catch Silas’s attention.
The Scribe made a sour face. “He was a rather difficult student.”
“Silas?” I glanced from Ren to the mad-haired scholar. “He was your company?”
“Still jealous?” Ren winked at me.
“I was not jealous,” I said.
“Really?” Ren said. “So that harpy-ish tone was your normal speaking voice?”
My cheeks flamed again, but this time had nothing to do with my clandestine sleepover with Shay.
“Dude, if you want to change teams, welcome aboard.” Mason grinned. “But you could do way better than that punk-a-doodle-do.”
Silas went beet red, sputtering, “I was giving him vital information about our mission.”
Mason shrugged. “Everything that happens in the bedroom is vital.”
“He’s not wrong.” Nev slung his arm around Mason’s shoulders.
Silas was opening and closing his mouth, but no sound came out. Ren took pity on him.
“He told me about how special you are,” he said, flashing Shay an unfriendly smile. “Because of your great-great-times-a-hundred-grandmother Eira who got us into this mess when she became a demon’s mistress.”
“Thanks for reminding me,” Shay said. “So now you know why you and Calla were supposed to cut my throat instead of a cake at your wedding. Too bad that didn’t happen.”
Ren stiffened. “I’m not sorry you made it out of Vail alive. As for the rest of it . . . we’ll just see how that turns out, won’t we?”
Shay smiled slowly. “We certainly will.” I held my breath, waiting for him to strike back with a hint about my visit to his room. But he only glared at the other alpha. Luckily for all of us, Shay’s brain did not seem to have been completely overrun by his male ego.
“I didn’t give all the background you needed.” Silas had recovered a bit as his lessons were rehashed. “You kept growling at me.”
“You called me an abomination.” Ren’s teeth were sharp. “What did you expect? A kiss?”
Mason coughed. “You could do better.”
Silas ignored him. “I’m merely stating the facts. Guardians were created in violation of natural laws. You are an—”
Ren’s hand was around Silas’s throat, lifting him to his tiptoes and choking off his words. “Say it again and you’ll be very sorry.”
Adne grabbed Ren’s arm and jerked him away from the Scribe. “He doesn’t mean any harm.”
Ren smiled at her as he dropped Silas. “Just making sure.”
Adne returned his smile, laughing. “We all know you’re not to be trifled with, big brother, you don’t have to prove it.”
“He’s lucky you came to his rescue.” Ren slid his arm around her shoulders. “That’s twice now.”
“Twice?” I asked.
“Last night and just now,” Ren said.
“I was up late,” Adne said. “I heard Silas’s lecturing when I walked by Ren’s room and figured I should get in there before things got ugly.”
“We were past ugly,” Ren said. “But we hadn’t reached violent yet. Your timing was impeccable.”
“I’m awesome like that.” Adne grinned. “Besides, you and I have a lot to catch up on.”
Ren turned a smile on Adne more tender than I’d ever seen from him. Connor was also watching the pair. A twisted smile, bittersweet, flickered across his mouth and I knew he wished Monroe was here to see his children together.
“What’s the bookworm doing here anyway?” Connor pulled his gaze off Ren and Adne to glance at Anika.
“I’m going with you.” Silas shoved his notebook and writing tools back into the satchel slung over his shoulder.
“The hell you are!”
Silas puffed up his chest. “These are the final days. The events about to transpire must be recorded.”
Connor cast a pleading glance at Anika. “Please tell me this is a joke.”
“He’s right, Connor.” Anika smiled thinly. “And there’s precedent. Scribes make up the core teams for missions we designate as ‘historic.’”
“The professor could mess with our game,” Ethan jumped in.
Anika shook her head. “Despite your personal feelings, Silas is fully trained in operations and combat as all Searchers are required to be. He’s going.”
“Can’t you just give us a dictaphone and we’ll record the play-byplay for posterity instead?” Connor asked.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Silas said. “You couldn’t string a sentence together, much less observe the nuances of what will mark the Scion’s epoch.”
“Epoch?” Shay laughed. “I’m epochal now?”
Silas glared at him.
“Fine.” Connor turned away from Anika, heading back to Adne’s side. “Just don’t get in our way.”
“Are the teams set?” Anika asked.
“Almost,” Ren answered. “Sabine, I was hoping you’d come on the decoy run.”
Her eyebrow shot up. “You’re leading it?”
He nodded.
She glanced at Ethan, who shook his head. “I’m heading into Tordis with the Scion.”
Sabine folded her arms over her chest, jerking her chin toward Ethan. “Where he goes, I go.”
“The Searcher?” Ren cocked his head, regarding her curiously. “Really?”
“Ask another question and I’ll take a bite out of your ear, Ren.” Sabine smiled, her fangs bright.
Ethan remained silent, but I saw the corner of his mouth trying to twitch into a smile. Beside Ren, Adne jabbed her elbow into his side when he tried to object again. The alpha glanced at his sister. When she shook her head, he shrugged.
“If it’s what you really want,” he said.
“I’ll take her place on the decoy team,” Nev said, throwing a wink at Sabine. “Sabine can go to Tordis and stand by her man.”
“Bite me,” Sabine snarled, moving an inch closer to Ethan. Ethan looked like he couldn’t decide whether he should laugh or bolt.
“Where’s Bryn?” I asked, though I thought I already knew the answer.
“She’s staying with Ansel,” Mason said. “Tess got permission to do some work in the garden with him today. Bryn won’t leav
e his side.”
I nodded, having expected something like that. Knowing Bryn would be with Ansel was a relief. As much as having my beta fighting by my side would be helpful, it was better still hoping that her unwavering devotion might pull my brother out of his cycle of self-hatred.
“It’s for the best,” I said. “She’s where she belongs.”
My eyes met Shay’s for a brief moment and my heart skipped a beat. Other than a subtle gleam in his moss green eyes, he gave nothing away. No matter how deeply love, lust, and jealousy ran between the three of us, this morning we had another battle to face.
“Okay, Nev,” Ren said. “Why don’t you come meet the team? We’re heading out in a minute or so. You don’t happen to speak French, do you?”
“There’s a language requirement now?” Nev laughed as they walked away. “Man, you should have mentioned that before I volunteered.”
Our smaller team approached Anika and the other Searchers, waiting for orders.
“When you’re ready, Pascal.” Anika gestured to the Tordis Guide.
Pascal nodded at one of his team members, who drew skeans from his belt and began to weave a door.
“How will we know when the Guardians have taken the bait?” I asked.
“Pascal only needs five minutes,” Anika replied.
Connor laughed. “He’s good at making a scene.”
“Merci.” Pascal grinned at him.
Anika lifted her hand in salute as Pascal, Ren, and their team passed into the shimmering portal.
From where I stood, I couldn’t make out much other than glistening white and stark blue. Snow and sky. A hard lump caught in my throat when Nev shifted, trotting through the door. Ren, still in human form, turned toward us. He caught my eye and smiled, and then a charcoal gray wolf rushed after the team.
A moment later the door winked out.
“What now?” I asked. My fists balled up. There was about to be a fight and I wasn’t there. My skin felt too tight. I wanted to be a wolf in battle. That’s who I was. Who I’d always been.
“We wait,” Anika said, giving me a sympathetic smile. I met her eyes, realizing that as the Arrow, she gave orders but rarely joined the fight. A steely flash in her irises told me she hated missing out as much as I did. There was no clock in the room, but it felt as though my pulse ticked off each minute they were gone. Anika, who’d been pacing back and forth in the room, suddenly stopped. “Now, Adne.”