I thought about Collie on that day when we went inside his house and no one was home. That was heartbreak, pure and simple, the worst kind there was. If I was the cause of that, so be it. Hearts were made for being broken. There’s really no way around it if you want to be a human being. That’s why on the day Collie left, I didn’t go racing over to his grandmother’s house. I didn’t stand in the street or chase after him. I didn’t even cry. Instead, I stayed in my bedroom and I locked the door, even though I knew he was getting farther and farther away
“What about Collie?” I said. I had my nerve, I really did, but I just couldn’t stop. I didn’t even think about the fact that Dave Meyers was down the hall, on the other side of the door, going over some paperwork the court in Maryland had sent up, and that he’d probably never hear me if I screamed. “You’re asking about Rosarie, but don’t you want to know if I’ve heard from Collie? I thought you’d be a little more interested in him.”
I said it in a rude way, even though the jail door was locked behind me. I really didn’t care.
“Have you heard from him?”
I could tell from the way Ethan Ford sounded that even after everything that had happened and everything he’d done, in his heart, Collie was still his son. But that kind of thing never shook me. I knew what my answer should be.
“No,” I told him. It was the kind of lie that felt good in my mouth. “Not one word.”
I didn’t cry when Collie left, or when my father died, but for some strange reason, I started crying right in front of Ethan Ford. I told him I was sorry, and he nodded like he understood, and for a minute I felt like I was ready to believe in him. And worse, like I was willing to forgive him, but that feeling didn’t last. It was still so early that the birds in the bushes were waking, and we could hear them even in this jail cell, and listening to their chattering helped me snap out of it. I thought about Jorie Ford crying in her garden, and that’s when I saw that Ethan Ford was a whirlwind and that we would all be much better off when he was gone. I thought about my sister being willing to miss out on her senior year of high school because of him, and I didn’t feel so bad about turning him in. When one door closes, another one opens, that’s what I’ve found to be true.
I knew that by giving Ethan Ford that letter I was fated to always be envious of Rosarie, but I don’t mind. Now that I’d gotten rid of him and the destruction he would have caused, my sister’s life will always contain more than mine when it comes to some things, but there are times when I’ll know more. I’ll know that sometimes those who love you best are the ones who leave you behind.
When the sheriff came to get me out of that jail cell, I couldn’t wait to get away. I said good-bye, but Ethan Ford didn’t hear me, or maybe he just didn’t care to answer. went to Hannah’s and bought myself breakfast. I got my favorite things—pancakes, toast, and a chocolate milk shake, and then a slice of apple pie. Kelly Stark was there with her sisters, Sophie and Josie, and they came over and sat with me even though Kelly wasn’t speaking to Rosarie anymore. She was crazy in love with Brendan, and he was taking up most of her time.
“You look like you’re celebrating something,” Sophie said. She was pretty smart, I had to hand her that.
“Maybe.” I didn’t have to trust the first person who was nice to me, but I thought if I ever did, it might be Sophie.
“How’s Rosarie?” Kelly asked. You could tell in her voice that she was concerned, not that she was going to ruin her life in the name of friendship. Each of the Stark girls was smart, and they had that beautiful long hair, but when you were sitting right there with them, it was difficult to hate them in spite of how lucky they were.
“She’s not too good, I said of my sister. ”But I think that will change.”
That afternoon, while Ethan Ford was being transferred to Maryland, Rosarie didn’t know to show up at two o’clock to meet Mark Derry. Instead, she waited by the phone, her suitcase beside her. When darkness fell, she phoned over to the Derrys’ to find out what the plan was, but Brendan hung up on her. She had to call again and again, and by the time she finally got through, the plane had already left. Mrs. Derry informed Rosarie that she'd been instructed not to give out Mark’s phone number at the hotel where he was staying, the better to avoid reporters and other prying minds, and that Rosarie should probably turn her attention back to school, which started in a little more than a week.
After that, Rosarie stored her suitcase under her bed. Every day she waits for Ethan to contact her, but I guess he’s moved on to someone new. Rosarie is still hopeful, even though summer’s almost over and the trial has begun. People say Ethan will be put away for a hundred years, that he’ll never get out of Maryland again, but my sister continues to wait, even on days when it rains. She has stationed herself outside on the sidewalk, looking for the mailman. Her face is so blotchy from crying that on some days she doesn’t even look like herself. People drive past and honk their horns, but she doesn’t care. Her hair is dripping wet, as dark as ashes. You can see through her clothes, but she doesn’t care about that either. The boys who used to chase after her are afraid of her now, but once she comes to her senses they’ll forget how they used to walk right past her. pretending they didn’t know her.
Occasionally, Warren Peck’s nephew, Kyle, who’s so quiet and good-natured Rosarie probably never noticed he was alive, has been thoughtful enough to bring her an umbrella or a cup of water as she stands out in the heat or the rain. I have hopes whenever I see him, even though he’s shorter than Rosarie and has a scar over one eye; I always wave and try to encourage him. My sister will need a boy like that, one who’ll never notice if she looks out past the horizon, south to the highway and the life she might have led if people here didn’t love her, if this wasn’t her home.
When it gets dark, my grandmother sends me to bring Rosarie back inside. Lately, we have dinner together, and even my mother sits down at the table.
“Come on.” I say. I pull on her arm and Rosarie follows me, but when she does, I can see how hurt she’s been. She’s a human being now. with tears that bleed red. She tells me I have no idea of what real love is like. She says love is a pledge that can never be broken, but I know nothing stays the same. I’m well aware that when Collie and I sec each other next we’ll be different people: we’ll have to look beneath the surface to sec who we once were and who we’ve become, and that’s not so easy to do. Somebody looking at Rosarie right now, for instance, might see only her pain and her torment. They’d have no idea of how beautiful she is, but I do. My grandmother told me once that when you lose somebody you think you’ve lost the whole world as well, but that’s not the way things turn out in the end. Eventually, you pick yourself up and look out the window, and once you do you see everything that was there before the world ended is out there still. There are the same apple trees and the same songbirds, and over our heads, the very same sky that shines like heaven, so far above us we can never hope to reach such heights.
Readers Guide to Blue Diary
When Ethan Ford fails to show up for work on a brilliant summer morning, none of his neighbors would guess that for more than thirteen years, he has been running from his past. His true nature has been locked away, as hidden as his real identity. But sometimes locks spring open, and the devastating truths of Ethan Ford’s history shatter the small-town peace of Monroe, affecting family and friends alike.
QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION
1. In Blue Diary, Alice Hoffman uses imagery from the natural world to mirror events that take place in the lives of her characters. Why is it portentous when she writes in Chapter One that lilies “only last for a single day and then, no matter what a person might do to say them, they are fated, by God, or circumstance, or nature, to fade away?” What else in the novel is as ephemeral as the lilies Hoffman describes?
2. When someone you know seems exceptionally blessed or lucky, how does that make you feel? How does it affect your relationship with the “blessed” person?
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br /> 3. Why docs Kat “save” Rosarie from running away with Ethan, after her sister has treated her so unkindly? Do you think that Kat will always feel second best to her beautiful sister?
4. Kat asserts that her decision to report Ethan to the police had nothing to do with the loss of her own father. Do you believe her? Why or why not?
5. Why does Jorie, after reading Rachel Morris’s last diary entry, immediately decide to leave Ethan, and her hometown, behind? What does James Morris mean when he says Jorie will know what to do if she reads the diary?
6. Loyalty and devotion are important themes in Blue Diary. Do you think Jorie shows sufficient loyalty to her husband?
7. Charlotte Kite endures divorce, the loss of both her parents in high school, and breast cancer, but she finds a lover in Barney Stark. Jorie leads a charmed life until her husband’s heinous crimes are revealed. Which woman has had to endure more? Which situation is resolved better?
8. Should the deeds from our past be used to judge us in the present? Does benevolent behavior in the recent past “undo” reprehensible behavior from long ago?
Alice Hoffman, Blue Diary
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