Way after Adam and Eve, but still a long time ago.
“Are you ready?” Hedz asked, peering at her mate.
Her dark brown eyes were deep-set under a thick ridge of bone from which sprouted a thick unibrow that looked like a sleeping ferret. She was naked, stringy and dark-skinned, with a forehead sloping steeply backward to disappear into a tangled mass of thick unwashed hair. Her single most outstanding feature was a fantastic, flowing mustache Hulk Hogan would have coveted.
In short, Hedz was a magnificent looking cavewoman.
Bonk looked a lot like his mate, with the exception that his body parts were male, and his moustache wasn’t quite as remarkable. There was another difference. He had a jagged scar on his forehead, a direct result of being a tall caveman in a short cave. The scar was shaped like a lighting bolt, but as far as he knew it gave him no special powers.
They were crouching on a small hill overlooking the river. A log had fallen into the river and several turtles had climbed on top to sun themselves. Bonk and Hedz were hoping to sneak down on the vigilant reptiles and snatch one or two before they could slide into the safety of the water.
Bonk shifted uncomfortably. "I dunno. I don't know how I feel about you helping. After all, I'm the hunter and you're just a gatherer."
Hedz simply gave him a look, which he neatly avoided by turning his gaze back down to their quarry down by the riverbank.
"Okay, let's go." Hedz slipped down the hill into the messy brush that grew lush from roots dipping into the river. She crept through the undergrowth, her clever feet making no noise as she deftly avoided fallen branches and dead crunchy leaves. Bonk followed, crackling and crunching as he was unable to duplicate his mate's stealth.
The turtles started shifting and a few lazily opened their eyes, slightly more alert. With the crocs in the river and all manner of predator on land, it wouldn't take much for them to dive into the safety of the shallows.
Hedz froze, her eyes intent on the turtles.
After a tense moment, the sun warmed them back into somnolence.
Hedz waited for a moment to see if the turtles were faking, and then she resumed her ninja approach. When they were six feet away from the water's edge, they stopped again.
"Okay, here's where we really have to be quiet," Hedz said, her lips moving without sound.
"What?" Bonk asked.
Hedz quickly clamped a hand over his mouth. "Quiet," she mouthed.
He nodded.
Her gaze went back to the turtles which were still on the log. Their eyes were open, but fortunately their attention was on the water rather than the shore.
After a moment, the turtles’ eyelids drooped.
"Let's go," Hedz whispered.
They crept through the last bit of brush. As Bonk followed his mate, something grabbed his long hair, yanking him backward.
"Oorgh," he gasped.
He tried to turn to see what had him, but a low hanging branch reached down to snag his wild mane.
"Augh."
He spun around, long tendrils of hair wrapping around his torso and catching on prickly thickets.
"Uuuf."
More hair was snatched by grabby branches and a tentacle of hair tightened around his knees. He tottered wildly.
"Aaagh."
The turtles' beady eyes snapped open.
"Shhh!" Hedz hissed.
"Umph," Bonk replied.
He tried to move, but the hair wrapped around his legs tightened and he crashed to the ground.
Hedz watched in dismay as the turtles slipped into the water like Olympic lugers. As the water swallowed them, she whirled around. "What the heck is the matter..."
Words escaped her at the site of her mate completely entangled in branches, vines and his own hair.
"Mpfh," he said helplessly, hair wrapped around his mouth like a furry python.
"That's it," Hedz snapped. "I'm tired of that stuff."
She roughly tore him from the spider web of hair and branches and dragged him through the brush to a clearing dwarfed by a large pine tree.
"Hold the tree," she commanded.
Tentatively, he wrapped his arms around it.
"Harder."
He tightened his grip, his face smushed up against rough bark.
“Okay, here goes.” Hedz took a handful of Bonk’s long thatchy hair. She paused, “Are you ready?”
He whimpered. "What are you going to do?"
"Just hold on tight."
He nodded and closed his eyes.
Hedz braced herself and gave a tremendous yank.
“Aaagh!” Bonk yelped as his head was wrenched backward by the powerful cavewoman. She immediately let go, and his head bounced back, scraping painfully on the trunk.
Bonk opened pain-filled eyes. “Did it work?”
Hedz shook her head.
Still dazed, Bonk watched some birds in the sky, idly wondering if they were just circling his head.
Wordlessly, Hedz looked around until she spied a pelican skull on the ground. She picked it up and fed a length of his hair into the beak. Then she chopped as if she were using pruning shears. After a moment, she critically examined the result.
“Darn,” she said dolefully.
Bonk grimaced. “What?”
Hedz blew out an exasperated puff of air, “Well, we can’t cut it and we can’t pull it out. I guess we’ll just have to wait until someone invents scissors.”