She shakes her head, "No. I feel gross I went for testing and they put me to sleep. I threw up a minute ago. It's like the room is spinning. "
This changes things.
She sits on the bed and seems off. I can see the sway in each of her movements.
She lays down and curls into a ball, "I just need to sleep it off. "
I touch her arm and squeeze, "We have to leave now. You can't sleep. "
She opens one eye "What?"
I nod and pull out the paper and white plastic card, "Louise came to see me last night. We need to leave. Now. A garbage truck is coming today. My dad's friend told Louise the garbage was coming today. "
She groans and nuzzles into the bed, "Nooooo. Let's just stay for one more day. "
I fidget with the plastic ID card, "That’s not all Louise said. "
Anna groans and rolls around, "Does it matter? I don’t want to leave. Not yet. "
Sarah frowns and tosses her apple into the compost bin that gets emptied everyday. She gets down on her knees and looks at Anna at eye level, "They're murdering the moms after they give birth. They take your babies at two and then give them to women in the city. After three babies they murder you. The condos are a lie. There is no life in the city afterwards. "
Anna licks her lips and tilts her head back to look at me. I nod. I feel sick. I never knew Sarah was awake when Louise was speaking. It sounds much worse coming from the lips of a child.
Anna pushes herself up, "Okay. Let's do this. " She drinks from the bottle of water next to her. "I'll be okay. Just let me wake up. "
I drink a huge drink too and pass it to Sarah.
She looks at the apples and cheese on the plate, "I'm going to miss this place. "
We all laugh.
"Louise drew a map on this paper. She said when you got back from the tests we should leave immediately and hide in the garbage. "
Anna nods and rubs her eyes, "Okay. "
I feel sick, "There is one last thing. "
She looks up at me. I can see her fighting the grogginess.
"The garbage is where the women are put. After. "
She makes a face.
I stand and walk to the door, "One at a time, we walk out into the garden. Don't make it obvious. "
I leave the room.
A small piece of me stays in the white room. I want to go back as soon as my feet take their steps down the hall. Every movement feels pronounced and slow. My arms swing at my sides. I tuck the paper and card in my pocket and walk out into the bright living room and kitchen. Girls are everywhere, talking and laughing. They're eating, as always. They're wiping sweat from their brow after leaving the exercise room where we run and walk on a track that moves. They're leaning against the marble counters and taking huge drinks of water with lemon slices in them. I'm going to miss the cold lemon water.
I don't look at them. I watch them but I don’t look. I push the glass door open and sigh as my feet touch the shaved bark and dirt on the ground. It feels like the forest if you close your eyes and let the smell of the wood and trees fill you. I slip to the far side of the garden and smell a flower. Anyone who has noticed me leaving for the garden has turned back when they see me being, well, me. Smelling flowers and touching trees. I've spent a considerable amount of time in this garden. I stand by the door on the far side of the garden that leads to the other side of the dorms.
Anna walks in next. She walks clumsily.
She meets my eyes and goes and sits on a bench. I can see the drugs in her system. Everything she does is clumsy.
Sarah comes last. She goes into the kitchen and takes some cheese from the board where the cook is cutting. Cook smiles and rubs her head. Everyone has adopted Sarah. She is the only child on our side.
She grins and eats the white cheese.
She moseys around for a moment and then slips down the hall again. She walks out into the garden and shows me her piece of cheese. I smile at her. I can see eyes on me.
Louise walks into the living room. She sees me and smiles. I smile back. She doesn’t give me a signal or anything. She turns away from the window and walks into the kitchen. She pulls out something from a cupboard. I can't see what it is but the girls inside of the kitchen and living room go to her. They seem excited.
I walk to the door and open it.
"Now. "
I speed walk to the metal door at the end of the hall. Anna and Sarah are right behind me. It's just like we've talked about. No talking just doing. Follow the leader.
I slide the card and the door opens.
We walk fast. I glance at the paper and see we need the fifth door on the right. I count them as we walk silently. At the fifth metal door I slide the card. The door opens. Once we are inside I look around.
We are in a room with clothes. Scrubs are what Louise has called them. I pull the pale blue scrubs on over my white clothes. Anna and Sarah will never pass for a nurse but I might.
From this small room with hallways leading from it we take a left out the door opposite we came in. I feel sick walking through here. I don’t see anyone or hear anyone.
The lights seem brighter somehow, like they are blinding me.
I hear a man speaking, "I'm telling you it's twins. There is no way she is that far along. "
"Impossible. " A woman's voice speaks to him.
The map says the next door on the right. I feel my hands shake as I slide the card. The man and lady are one room over. The door opens into another hallway. This place is a maze. No one would ever get out. Not without help.
We walk straight and I open a door to the left eight doors down. I hear feet on the floor and people shuffling about, but I see no one. I wonder if it's break time or something.
My face is covered in sweat and my heart is pounding. My chest hurts.
The door opens to a small room with black garbage bags and metal counters. There are beds with wheels and a huge square door. It is the biggest door I've ever seen. The room is freezing cold and smells like something I have never smelled before. It hurts my nose like the air is sharp.
I glance at the map and feel more frightened than I have yet. I look at the words. They fuzz out I look at them so hard.
"Get into the bags. "
Sarah looks at me. I point to the black bags, "Hurry. Climb in a bag. "
I pull a soft plastic bag from the shelves and open it. The sides stick together so I shake it the way I've seen my granny do. Air separates the sides. Sarah and Anna do the same thing.
I roll the sides and step into the bag. Every sound we make is echoing off the cold metal walls. Sarah has the bag up to her face. I tie the ends of it into a bow at the top of her head. I look at the note again and swallow hard. I open the huge door on the far wall. It makes a suctioning noise when I pull the huge silver lever. The light and heat of the midday sun beat in on us instantly. I feel like an ant under a microscope. The natural air and feel of the day is overwhelming.
"We have to jump in. "
Sarah hops to the platform over the dumpster. A massive green bin is at the end of the platform. It is a ten-foot jump down into a bin filled with black plastic bags.
I feel sick looking at it. Sarah looks at me through the hole in the top of her bag. Her blue eyes are watery.
"Just jump Sarah. Try not to think or smell or anything. Just be there and know it's the way out okay?"
She nods and closes her eyes. She lets herself tip over the end of the dirty metal platform. I see her eyes pinch as she falls slowly into the heap. A small hand comes out of the bag with thumbs up. Anna hops in her bag to end of the platform.
"This is insane. " She whispers harshly.
I nod. I have nothing to add. It is insane. We are going to be in the dumpster with a bunch of dead girls until the garbage truck comes for us. I want to cry just think
ing about it.
I lean forward, "Sarah roll to the right so we don’t land on you. "
The dumpster is huge and I can't pick out her bag from the others. Not until I see it rolling over the body bags and moving to the side.
Anna hops down into the pit, letting her legs fold under her. She rolls beside Sarah.
Closing the massive door, I see a weird nozzle on a hose in the shrinking gap between the metal door and the doorframe. It's identical to the one my grampy had for washing his car.
I turn and look around at the huge parking lot. We are behind the building. The garbage bin I'm about to jump in is one of five. The bin below me is about half full. I wonder if the others are as full. There must be thirty dead girls in my bin.
I step off the ledge before I start processing things and scare myself, more than I already am.
My feet land amongst the soft and stiff bodies. I let my legs fold. I wiggle down into the bag and before I tie it off I look around at us. No tears in the bags, no clothes showing. Everything is just a sea of black bags. I pull the ends up and tie them.
"Em. I think I'm going to be sick. " Anna makes a gagging noise.
"No just close your eyes. " I listen for her to get sick. Then as if instinctual I recall what my father used to do when I was having a panic attack.
I lick my lips and whisper softly, "I want you to try to imagine something. I went to this place. I met Will there. It's where we are going right after this. It's like a sanctuary in the forest. When I saw it I was stunned. A forest full of people. Normal people who live together and protect each other. They have a tent city but amongst the trees. The trees are huge. Like giants. Everyone was nice and they gave me food and medical help and a tent to sleep in with warm blankets and a soft bed. I went with one nice lady down a path. We walked for a few minutes through the trees and then suddenly it opened and there was a huge swimming hole. It's completely walled in with rock cliffs and no one but the tent city people go there. It's protected. They swim in the cold water and they play. They play in the water. "
Anna doesn’t speak again. I hope she is imagining the tall trees. I hope she is ignoring the smell of old death. I can feel it trying to get in the bag I'm in. Like fingers made of smoke, it claws at my bag and tries to take over the air inside of my small space.