And the more she saw the real heart of the Hammer, the more she wanted to be with him.
"I think I'm in love with you, Talyn," she whispered, knowing she'd never dare say that to him if he could hear her. Honestly, she'd been infatuated with him the instant he'd gone from confident to bashful the night they met. And it'd turned to love the moment he'd refused to embarrass her with an inspection in front of her broker and guard. That amount of compassion and regard for her feelings ... she'd known then just how rare a creature he was. How decent.
And as she held him in the dim light, she wanted more than to be his companion.
She wanted to be his lady. In every way. An impossible dream. Without a paternal lineage, he couldn't legally marry.
Ever.
If she stayed with him, she'd never be able to have children. They would arrest him for it, and it would be wrong to bring them into a world that would never hold them with any regard. His life showed her exactly the misery that would be theirs.
And still she wanted that dream of a family with a ferocity that scared her.
"Stop with your useless dreaming, Felicia! The world is harsh and ugly. The sooner you accept it, the better off you'll be." Her mother's bitter words were implanted in her mind.
But she wasn't her mother. And she didn't want to be her. What she wanted was to be Ger Tarra Batur. Talyn's beloved and revered wife.
Most of all, she wanted Talyn to have what he deserved. A home he could go to every night and be held by her.
*
Talyn came awake to his wrist alarm buzzing. Thinking he was in the barracks, he cursed. Until he realized there was a warm body pressed against his bare back and a tiny hand tangled in his braids.
For one second, he was in heaven.
Turning over, he smiled as he met the sweetest gaze he'd ever imagined. Then he remembered that his alarm was still going off.
"Shit! I slept the whole time?" Gah! He wanted to kill himself for wasting his precious hours with her.
"I tried to wake you, but you were sleeping really soundly. Sorry, sweetie. I fell asleep, too."
Savoring the endearment, he turned off his alarm.
Felicia nibbled his jaw as she dropped her hand to stroke him through his pants. "Do you have five minutes?"
His breathing labored, he clutched her to him. "I would love nothing more, but I don't want our first time to be hurried like that." Since he was as virgin as she was, he wanted to have time to make sure he did it right and to savor it and her.
She nipped his chin before she unzipped his pants.
"Felicia--"
"Shh," she breathed as she kissed her way down his bare chest.
I really need to go. If he was late getting back, Anatole would bring down the wrath of--
Hello!
Talyn cried out as she slowly drew his cock into her mouth, with astounding skill. Oh to hell with his CO. Bastard could rot for all he cared. There was no way he could leave here while she was doing this to him. His senses reeling, he buried his hand in her soft curls while she gently tongued and teased him to a blinding ecstasy.
No wonder males killed for their females. He totally understood that now. Biting his lip, he'd never felt anything better than her mouth on his body. Unable to stand it, he came in a blinding wave of pleasure that was so fast it embarrassed the hell out of him and made him glad he wasn't inside her body.
That would have been useless for her.
Felicia smiled as he relaxed completely. Wiping her mouth, she met his gaze. "Better?"
He cupped her cheek in his hand and stroked her lips with his thumb. "No one's ever done that for me before."
"Really?"
He nodded. "You're the only female who's ever touched me, Felicia."
Felicia sat back. Her jaw went slack at his disclosure and she remembered him telling her that when they'd first kissed. Andarion males had very specific physical needs once they hit puberty. Within their first year of it, almost all males lost their virginity. None lasted more than two. To find a virgin as handsome and old as Talyn was unheard of.
"You've never been to a house of assignation?" It was what most unpledged males did until they were taken.
That adorable blush mottled his cheeks. "I went once."
"And you didn't do anything?"
He glanced away and blushed even more profusely. "It was so ... uncomfortable. They had this system of four Ps."
"Four Ps?"
He nodded. "You picked a price, a ... prostitute. A place and then a position. It was like ordering fast food. And they had things listed I wasn't even sure what they were. From the descriptions, some sounded downright dangerous. They even had some you had to sign a waiver to participate in."
Amused, but not wanting him to think she was laughing at him, she hid her face.
"Go ahead and laugh at me. I won't be angry. It was quite special and I'm pretty sure I left a vapor trail when I hit the door running. I think I might have even screamed on my way out." He rubbed at his face. "And then they banned me because of it."
Snickering, she climbed up his body. "I'm so sorry."
"It's all right. I had no intention of returning, anyway. Last thing I want is something so impersonal for something that personal. I figured at least with my hand, we have a committed relationship. I know exactly where it's been and who it's touched." He kissed her gently.
"I wish you could stay longer."
"Me, too. But I have to go." He held her tight before he rolled off the bed and dressed beside it.
She rose up on her knees on the mattress to fasten his uniform jacket and straighten it for him. "Next time, I won't let you sleep."
"Deal." He pressed her hand to his cheek. "I'll be in touch when I can."
Felicia wanted to cry as he left her alone again. His absence was like a part of her was being ripped away.
How stupid was that?
Angry over it all, she fell back on the bed and hated her parents for what they'd done to her. But then it wouldn't have mattered. Had they been married, she wouldn't have been able to claim Talyn at all.
His father had screwed him over even worse than hers had. At least this way, he belonged to her. Maybe not formally, but she had a part of him no one else did.
A vital part of him. This was almost as good as having a stralen husband. Talyn wouldn't be able to break their contract, and he'd never leave her to marry another female. He would be hers for as long as she wanted.
Unless her agency canceled the contract. Though rare, it could happen if another, more prestigious male wanted to contract her. It was what had happened to her mother.
Her father had let her mother go without a single protest, mostly because his children had been angry over his relationship with her mother. It was what had made her mother so bitter toward the world in general and him in particular.
Even if Felicia said no to being switched to a new patron, if the male had enough power behind his lineage, her agency could break her contract and force her. And Talyn didn't have any social ability to fight it.
Suddenly terrified, she pulled up the agency site and made sure her profile was gone.
It was.
Breathing a small sigh of relief, she quickly e-mailed her broker and told him that she was no longer a virgin. A slight lie, but it would help to make sure they didn't offer her to someone else.
Once the probationary period was over, it would be harder to break their contract. She just had to make it four more months.
Four months.
Felicia refused to think about what could happen during that time. Talyn was a fighter and for him, she would be one, too. No one would take her male from her. Not without blood being shed. Her passivity did have its limits, and while she didn't like to fight, it didn't mean she didn't know how.
She froze as she caught a whiff of his scent on the pillow. Smiling, she buried her face against it and inhaled. She closed her eyes and tried to imagine the future she wanted. One spent with a sweet, thoughtful
male who treasured her.
With her finger, she switched the screen on her link and texted him. When will I see you again?
It was several minutes before he responded. Soon as I can. Promise.
A highly unsatisfactory answer. Fine. But we miss you already.
We?
Biting her lip, she pulled her shirt off and snapped a quick photo of herself in her lacy bra before sending it to him. The three of us.
He sent back a picture of himself smiling so widely, she saw his fangs. I have training tomorrow after my shift. I won't really have any free time, but if you swing by the gym, I can catch a quick bite with you.
While it wasn't what she wanted, at least it would give her a few minutes with him. I'll bring you something to eat. Just send me the time and place, and I'll see you then.
He sent it over. Remember, I need lean white meat with nothing on it. 175 grams of protein. Min.
Wow, but then that made sense given that he was a fighter and a soldier with a large, muscled build. Will do. Can't wait to see you. Oh, can I ask a favor?
Anything.
Bring me your undershirt. Don't wash it.
Why?
She felt heat creep over her face and hoped he didn't think her weird for the request. I want to sleep in it.
*
Talyn's throat tightened as he read Felicia's response, and his body hardened even more. Really?
You don't think I'm gross for asking, do you?
He smiled at her question. No. I think you're beautiful. As soon as he hit Send, his link buzzed. He switched it over to answer. "Major Batur."
"Where are you?"
He checked the time as he heard the shift captain's agitated voice. "En route to base from my condo. You can check my tracker. I'm stuck in traffic, but I still should make check-in."
"Check-in was five minutes ago."
Talyn bit his temper back. "My curfew's ten. My band just went off fifteen minutes ago."
"According to the schedule, your curfew was nine. Your band must be malfunctioning."
You son of a whore. Yet again, Anatole must have changed the time after Talyn left base and then purposefully not updated the alarm on his band. "I'll have my band checked on arrival."
"I'll have to report you tardy."
Of course you will. Anyone else, they'd cover for. "I'll report to Provost on my return." Which would be a mark against him that would cause his current application for a command position and transfer to be kicked back again.
Beautiful.
"I'll notify them immediately to expect you." The captain hung up.
Talyn clenched his teeth as furious hatred tore through him. He was so tired of this shit. Just once, he wanted to be treated like a normal Andarion. His father was one of the famed and adored War Hauks. Theirs was a lineage that rivaled the tadara's for prestige. And in the military, it ranked above even the royal lineage. Hell, there was even a national holiday that celebrated his father's family.
By Andarion law, Anatole should be his bitch.
But because his father had turned his back on his Andarion family and married a human, it was a lineage Talyn could never lay legal claim to.
Thanks, Fain. Appreciate your kindness in humiliating my mother and abandoning her. His actions had been so egregious in the eyes of Andarion society that no member of the Warring Blood Clan of Hauk would acknowledge Talyn as one of them.
At all.
Neither of his grandmothers could look at him without sneering. And none of them had ever deigned to speak to him. Only his Gre Yaya Hauk had ever made any kind of effort to acknowledge to him. But even she'd stopped once her husband learned what she was doing behind his back.
Since then, Talyn had been completely dead to all his Hauk relatives.
Which was fine by him. He didn't need any of those selfish assholes.
His link buzzed. Talyn glanced down to see another message from Felicia. In spite of his misery, he smiled. Just the sight of her playful kitten avatar made him feel better. How stupid was that?
I know you're probably back at base, but wanted to say goodnight. Miss you. She'd sent it with a picture of her lips pressed against the screen.
He held the link to his chest, wishing he'd stayed longer in her arms. In a life of hell, she was the only good thing he had. And it scared him when he thought about how close he'd come to not having her.
How easy it would be for him to lose her forever.
Don't think about it.
He had her now and that was all that mattered. For the first time in his life, he had a friend. At least that was how he liked to think of her.
It was so good to finally have something to look forward to. Better yet, someone who made him laugh when he felt like utter shit. She even sent him little things at the barracks. Fruit, and a stuffed bear with her perfume on it that had gotten him endlessly mocked.
And it'd been so worth it. Granted, he had to keep it in his locker. Still ...
Someone, other than his mother, cared for him. He'd always wondered what that would feel like. This was so much better than any fantasy he'd ever had.
Don't be stupid, Talyn. She doesn't love you. You pay her for her kindness.
An arm and an effing leg, every month.
But it didn't feel that way. When he looked into her eyes, he saw ...
What? Love?
You're an idiot.
He glanced out the window as painful reality racked him. Was he really that desperate to have a female care for him that he'd lie to himself so completely?
Yes.
Closing his eyes, he forced himself to face the harsh truth. She didn't care beyond what her contract stipulated. How could she? They didn't know each other. Not really. And unlike him, she could have anyone she wanted.
She could even marry one day. Have a family. But if she ever became pregnant from his seed, it'd mean at least ten years of his life would be spent in prison. It was why most agencies wouldn't accept a bastard's application for a companion, at all. Hers was one of the few without a huge banner warning his kind up front not to waste time applying. For that matter, most whorehouses wouldn't even allow a lack-Vest entry, and they were charged double for services, and only permitted to sleep with the older prostitutes who'd been sterilized.
What can you offer her?
Absolutely nothing. He'd be lucky if she renewed their contract at the end of his probation. Why should she? He barely saw her. Almost never spoke directly to her, except through sparse, sporadic texts. They'd been contracted for over six weeks and had yet to sleep together. What companion would want so little contact with her patron?
His throat tightened as he faced a bitter reality. He was shite and that's all he'd ever be. Wife, family, companionship? Those were only dreams for a mongrel dog who lacked lineage.
He swiped the screen to the last picture she'd sent over. Her long, curly hair was fanned out around her face as she lay in bed, looking up at her link. Her brows were perfectly arched over her silvery-white eyes. And her lips were slightly parted so that he could see just the tiniest bit of her fangs.
While her breasts were small, her bra pushed them up and made his mouth water for a taste. Something that wasn't helped by the sight of her taut nipples peeking through the lace.
Maybe one day he'd actually be able to see them.
Grinding his teeth, he squeezed his eyes shut and turned off the link. There was no need in thinking about what could be. About things he could never have. He had to think about the here and now.
And the miserable hell that was waiting for him once he returned to base.
CHAPTER 5
Felicia glanced around the gym that was filled with fighters who were training and talking. As soon as she spotted Erix by an open area, she headed toward him.
"Hi."
His fierce scowl melted into a friendly smile as he looked up from the screen of his link to see her. "Tara Felicia. What brings you here?"
She turned around
to show him her white, flowered backpack. "I have Talyn's dinner and was going to watch him practice. Did I get the wrong time?"
He shook his head. "He must be running late from patrol. It happens sometimes. So how are you today?"
"Doing well. You?"
He looked past her shoulder and frowned again.
She turned to see Talyn, who was moving very stiffly. He wore that stern I'm-going-to-kill-you-and-hide-your-body-so-get-out-of-my-way expression that made everyone scurry at his approach. Worried, she closed the distance between them.
He offered her a bashful smile as soon as he saw her. She adored the way his entire face lit up whenever she was near. Every time he did that, he made her feel so incredibly special and welcome.
"Hey."
Worried about how he was moving, she frowned at him. "Are you all right?"
Talyn nodded before he placed a chaste kiss to her cheek. Pulling back, he met Erix's gaze. "Who am I sparring with tonight?"
"New kid I'm training. Try not to kill him."
He laughed, then grimaced.
"You okay?" Erix asked before she had the chance.
Talyn nodded again. "Can you double-check my curfew tonight?"
Erix cursed under his breath. "Did he change it on you again?"
"Yeah. Yesterday, after I left base."
"How late were you?"
Talyn sighed before he answered irritably. "I wasn't, but thirty-seven minutes went down on my record. I'm lucky they let me out to train tonight."
Felicia duplicated Erix's scowl. "That's not that bad, is it?"
Talyn didn't answer as he caressed her cheek with his hand. "I'll get changed and be back."
"Is it?" she asked Erix after Talyn left them.
"Yeah, it is." He pulled his link out and made a call to cancel the sparring for the night.
She set her backpack down and waited until Erix was finished with his call before she spoke again. "I don't understand what's going on. Why is this a big deal? It's just thirty minutes."
A tic started in Erix's jaw. "For every minute he's late checking in to post, he gets two lashes with a cane. Thirty-seven minutes equals seventy-four strikes."
The true horror of that wasn't apparent to her until Talyn returned and she saw the harsh, fresh bruises marring his back as he pulled on a T-shirt to cover them.
Tears choked her. She felt sick to her stomach. "Did I cause that?"
"No," Talyn breathed, pulling her into his arms. "It had nothing to do with you. I promise." He kissed her cheek again before he released her.