Sighing, he knew he would die if he faced scorn from her. Better they part now on relatively good terms than he have to live with her turning on him the way Mara had. He never wanted to go through that again.
Shahara pulled the covers up over their bodies as Syn snuggled against her back. Her heart heavy, she listened to his breathing while he positioned one of his legs between hers and draped his arm over her waist. He rested his hand between her breasts. She sighed at the possessiveness of his hold.
What would it take to gain his love?
And if she did, would he ever admit it?
She started at the sudden realization.
The Syn she knew would never admit it if he felt love. He was too strong for that. Love meant weakness and Syn would never open himself up to that vulnerability again. For all she knew, he did love her and he was too defensive to tell her.
I swear, Syn . . . But she couldn't blame him given everything he'd been through.
She heard his breathing even out and felt his hold loosen as he fell asleep. Pressing her lips together, she moved his hand from her breasts and stared down at it. Scars marred his knuckles with one running from the side of his wrist up to his elbow.
So much pain. So much fighting. Would he ever believe that someone could love him?
That someone would stay with him?
She didn't know for sure. But one way or another, she would find the answer to those questions.
"I'm not going to give up without a fight, boy, and as bad as you think you've had it in the past . . . those opponents were nothing compared to me."
Shahara Dagan had never failed a mission in her life and she wasn't about to fail this, the most important one. Somehow, she'd free him.
Most of all, she'd claim him.
CHAPTER 17
When Shahara woke up, the room was completely black. And the space next to her in bed was empty. A slice of fear went through her. Where could he have gone?
"Syn?"
"Right here," he said from her right. The lights came up to a soft glow.
Turning over, she saw him sitting in one of the overstuffed chairs near the window.
Fully dressed, he stared at her, his face impassive. "We need to get going soon."
"Okay."
He got up and crossed the room. "I'll be waiting outside."
Shahara frowned at the catch in his voice and reached for the clothes he'd folded and placed neatly on the nightstand. What had he been thinking while he watched her sleep?
Whatever it was, it must have been fierce for him to be so cold now.
Sighing, she got up and went to shower and dress.
Syn leaned back against the closed doors, his body aching as he remembered the sight of her sleeping like a child in the bed. Most of all, he remembered the sincerity in her voice as she told him that she loved him.
She loves me . . .
Those words tore him apart. He wanted to rejoice and simultaneously run for cover. How he wished he'd met her when he was a doctor with no past. That was what she deserved. Not some filch with no country, no dignity.
Nothing.
C'mon, boy, heartaches come and they go. You know that better than anyone.
Yeah, they did go eventually. But the pain remained forever. And even if he lived a thousand years, he knew the pain of losing her would haunt him every moment of it.
How do I give up someone who loves me?
The same way you always have. In the end, she'll be just like Paden and will learn to hate you, too. Just a matter of time.
It was true. Closing his eyes, he tried to blot out the image of her peaceful body resting in his arms.
Gods, what had she done to him?
But then he knew. She'd touched him deeper than anyone ever had. Her touch had branded his soul, and no matter how much he might wish otherwise, he'd never be able to let her go. Not without tearing out his heart.
Because in the end, he loved her, too.
What the hell--you'll get used to the pain. Just like you've always gotten used to everything misfortune has tossed your way.
He heard her approach the doors. Moving away from them, he picked up their packs and tried to act as nonchalant as possible.
She was still plaiting her hair as she joined him.
He cleared his throat. "Are you ready for this?"
She wrinkled her nose in distaste, and yet the expression wrung his gut. How could any woman be beautiful while looking so disgusted? "Not really. But if we must go risk our lives and run into more people wanting to kill us . . ."
He didn't respond as he hailed Vik. "What's your status?"
"Annoyed."
In spite of everything, he laughed. "What's going on out there?"
"Street's basically clear. There's a couple on the corner in a rover about to have sex--nasty people doing private things in public, get a room, you no-home-trained plebs. Other than that . . . looks promising."
Syn slung his pack over his shoulder, then held hers out for her. Once she had it in place, he led her out of the building and made sure he ignored the couple in the rover.
Shahara frowned at his continued coldness as she followed after him. What had happened while she slept?
Well, that's the last time I ever fall asleep around you, buddy.
"You always wake up this pissy?"
He arched single brow at her. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me. You were normal when I went to sleep. Now you're like Kasen on a bender. Someone give you a willie while I was out of it?"
"I have no response for that." His tone was completely dry.
She gave him no reprieve. "Yeah, well, if you were a woman, I'd swear you were on your period."
Syn paused to gape at her. "You do know I am my father's son, right? People don't talk to me that way and live."
"Oh, like I fear you. Never. Besides, a fight might dislodge whatever has crawled up your sphincter and bring back the much nicer version of you. No offense, but I miss that Syn."
"Do you talk to you brother like this?"
"All the time."
Syn shook his head. "And he worships you for it? I knew Caillen was certifiable."
She made a hissing noise at him.
And still he was charmed by her. Even while she insulted him. I'm the one who's certifiable.
Shahara let out a sigh as she watched him move up a little to lead the way. Tempted to shoot him, she looked up at Vik, who was keeping pace with them.
She just didn't understand what had happened to him. He'd been so tender at the hotel.
I should never have told him I loved him. It was a mistake of titanic proportions. Now she'd lost her connection to him because he was too stubborn to accept the fact that someone could care about him.
I'm so sorry, baby. He lived in such a harsh place that she wasn't sure anything would ever reach him there.
Trying to push that thought away, she scanned the street, amazed at how empty it'd become in such a short period of time. Absolutely no one was anywhere to be found. It was almost as if someone had dropped a virus bomb, killing all inhabitants and leaving just the buildings behind. If not for the lights twinkling dimly in the thick darkness, she would have really become suspicious. "Where is everyone?"
Syn followed the line of her gaze up to a nearby building. "They've taken refuge for the night. Shasra is a dangerous place after dark."
"Dangerous? How so?"
"The temperature drops so low that you can freeze to death in minutes if you're not careful."
A twinge of fear skidded up her spine. "We're not dressed for extremely cold weather."
"I know." His blase tone alarmed her all the more. "Relax, I don't intend for us to be out here all that long."
That was supposed to comfort her?
"Yes, but in case it has escaped your astute attention, Captain Obvious, things keep happening to us that we don't plan on."
He let out an annoyed hiss. His lip was curled, which would have looked fier
ce had his eyes not been alight with humor. He might not smile, but he was amused. "So what do you suggest? We weigh ourselves down with coats? Encumber our bodies to the point where we can't move our arms or legs in a fight? That'll go over well, won't it?"
So what if he was right? She still didn't like the idea of freezing.
"Well, we better be quick and not become human popsicles. I'm going to be really upset at you if I freeze to death." She reached into her pocket to pull out the map he'd given her inside his flat.
As he took it from her, she realized his clothes were still damp from her earlier dousing. A wave of guilt and dread fear went through her as she realized how cold he would get. "Maybe we should try this another day."
"We don't have time to delay. It's now or never." He headed in the opposite direction of their hotel.
Rolling her eyes at his stubbornness, she followed after him. A freezing wind tore down the street, whistling between buildings. She wrapped her arms around herself and wondered why Syn seemed immune to it. He walked forward as if the dropping temperature was nothing at all.
"Aren't you freezing?"
"I used to sleep outside here on the streets without shoes. Trust me, this isn't cold."
It still didn't make it right. Her throat tightened at the thought of how bad he'd had it in his life.
Who am I to complain to him?
He made her look like a wimp.
Seven blocks later, he stopped. Shahara stared up at the building in front of her and her stomach shrank. Like a hulking ghoul, it stood against the eerie backdrop of three pale moons. No light inside the building could be found, and what few windows were still intact were covered with rotting boards. Weeds obscured the broken walkway and an old faded sign swung over the door.
"It's vacant?"
He went to the boarded-up door without commenting.
With great trepidation, she eyed the sign that threatened to fall on their heads. "This is useless. I'm sure it's gone."
He tore the large board off the door and tossed it to the ground. "Probably, but my research said the building was closed just days after I stashed the chip. There was nothing online to say what office I put it in or who owned it. I'm hoping we either find the chip where I left it or find a clue about what happened to it."
"And if we don't?"
"We're screwed."
Anger tore through her. "You don't really think that after all these years the chip will be where you left it, do you? 'Cause if you do, I have some city property you might be interested in buying."
He gave her a look that would have withered stone. "So what are you saying, we should just give up? After we've come so far?"
"No," she said hesitantly in spite of the voice in her head that urged her to argue with him. She really had no desire to go inside another rundown building and face the unknown.
"Then follow me." He bent over to crawl between the other boards.
This was crazy. Most likely suicide, and yet she followed in after him. Why do I bother? Surely there wouldn't be anything left in the building. Well, nothing but dust and scurrying little things she didn't want to bother identifying.
"I just love the places you take me."
He didn't acknowledge her comment in any way as he continued down the hallway. Shahara turned around, studying the abandoned office furniture covered by years of dust, debris and webs. Contrary to her prediction, but for the dust and decay, it looked like people had just picked up and left. There were even cups and dishes left on some of the desks they passed.
It looked like the workers had abandoned everything in one heartbeat.
Why?
Shahara caught herself as she tripped over a half-full trash can. "Don't you find it weird that they left all this stuff behind?"
"Not really. Someone released a virus through the air ducts that killed fifteen workers in less than an hour. Those who were ill or unaffected ran screaming for the doors. My money says Merjack did it to cover his tracks after he had me in custody. I'm sure he crawled through every office and file here looking for that chip. And since he still wants me, we know he didn't find it. Once the building was vacated, no one wanted to come back for anything since they feared it might be contaminated from what killed the others."
"Should we be scared?"
"Probably."
Shahara couldn't resist goosing him on the bottom.
"Hey!" he snapped, jumping away from her as he rubbed the cheek she'd pinched.
"That's what you get for being such a pessimist. You're lucky I didn't go after something else."
He growled at her as he limped away. "Next time I'm throwing you at my enemies."
She didn't comment.
Syn wanted to be angry at her, but he couldn't quite manage it. In truth, he melted every time he looked at her.
Why?
Because she'd told him she loved him. He couldn't get those words out of his mind. That was the only thing he'd ever wanted in his life. Did he dare believe her?
Why would she lie?
He kept trying to push her away, and instead she stayed and quipped with sarcastic humor that he actually found entertaining. Shoving that thought away, he continued his search.
Finally he found what he was looking for. A thick metal door sealed off the office he remembered so well from his youth. The last time he'd been here, his breathing had been ragged, his body sweating. Even now he could see the lights dancing from torches in the hallway, hear the angry voices as they searched for him.
Now he was back . . .
Shahara snorted as he fumbled with the old controls that were rusted out. "Forget it. You'll never get that open."
Ignoring her hostility, he pulled out his charger and studied the lock. True, there was no electricity, but he'd opened far more secure things than this in his time. "One day you will learn not to doubt me." He opened the panel and began crossing wires, connecting some to the hand-held battery.
After several minutes, a spark ignited and the door rasped open.
Shahara gaped at what he'd done. "I'm impressed."
He disconnected the battery. "Once a filch, always a filch."
She frowned. There was an odd note in his voice. Bitterness, maybe. And she realized it must be strange for him to be confronting this part of his past. A part he must have struggled hard to forget.
The last time he'd been here, he'd gone to prison . . .
Her heart ached for him.
Without even glancing at her, he entered the office and began searching it. Taking out a lightstick, she trailed its beam over the scattered debris. "What am I looking for?"
"Something that can tell you who was once assigned to this office."
"I take it the chip isn't here."
He shook his head. "We have to find something personal about the occupant."
She groaned. "That could be anyone. And anything I find could be from someone who had this office long after you stashed the chip."
"No. Look at the furniture and the dust. It's at least twenty years old. Just like it said in my reports. They shut this place down and never returned to it."
"The office still could have changed hands."
He gave her a fierce glower. "Well, we don't have anything else to go on, now do we?"
She held her hands up in surrender. "All right, don't get testy with me." She continued looking through the garbage.
Syn started going through an old desk.
Just as she was about to give up, her light flashed against a stationary pad. Taking three strides, she knelt down and picked it up. "Does the name Merrin Lyche ring a bell?"
He looked over at her. "What did you find?"
"Some old stationary." She held it out to him.
Taking it, he nodded. "At least it's somewhere to start." He tore off the top sheet, folded it, and put it in his pocket. "Thanks. Now let's get out of here before it gets any colder."
Shahara flashed her light up at him and noted the blueness of his lips. "I am
really sorry I pulled you into the bath."
He smiled before moving the light out of his face. "Don't be. I'm certainly not."
She rolled her eyes at him and his warped reasoning. "Then lead me back before you die of exposure and I have to explain to someone why your clothes are frozen to your body on a clear night."
His laughter warming her, he led her out of the building.
In no time at all, they were back inside the hotel. Shahara paused at the lift area while Syn continued past it.
Frowning, she hurried to trail after him. "Where are we going?"
He didn't answer. Instead, he entered a small boutique.
What in the nine worlds was he doing? Confused, she stopped outside and watched as he sorted through a rack of jackets.
When he found whatever he must have been searching for, he looked up and eyed her. Next, he moved to the back of the store where she couldn't see him.
She debated going in after him. She felt awkward standing outside while passersby eyed her with way too much interest. But one look at the stony-faced clerks inside the store and she decided she had no interest in getting one step closer to them or their disdain. She didn't need them to remind her of her lowly status.
Just as she finally made the decision to go in after him, he took several things up to the cashier. The man handed him a ledger and Syn signed while the man placed his purchases in a bag.
Once Syn rejoined her, he handed the jacket to her. "You wear a small, right?"
"Yes." She scowled down at the warm soft suede in her hands. Dark brown, it was lined with synthetic fur that felt softer than down.
Syn continued on to the lifts.
Stunned, she hurried to catch up to him. She wanted to ask him about his gift, but the curious stares of the people around them kept her lips sealed.
It wasn't until they were back in their room that she confronted him. Of course, by then, she was good and angry because she knew why men bought extravagant presents for women. Especially after they had sex . . .
Every time Caillen felt guilty about sleeping with a woman he didn't care about, he would always go out and buy something for her that he couldn't afford to assuage his conscience.
And the more she thought about it, the angrier she became. "Why did you do this?"
He stopped in the foyer. "You were freezing." He placed the bag on the sofa nearest him.
"I won't be tomorrow."
"Maybe, maybe not. We don't know what we'll be doing tomorrow, now do we?"