“Yes,” he said, and then repeated softly, “yes. When two people love as strongly as we do, they must.”
Carly lowered her eyes under the intensity of his. “I don’t know what to do, Brand,” she said, her voice low and throbbing. “Maybe we could be”—the word stuck in her throat—“be lovers.”
A sad, wry smile slanted Brand’s mouth as he shook his head. “Maybe that kind of relationship would satisfy some men. But not me. I’ve never done anything halfway in my life.” His pause demanded that she meet his gaze. “There’s so much more that I want from you than a few stolen hours in bed. What I feel goes beyond the physical satisfaction your body will give mine. I want you by my side to build a new life here in Alaska.”
“Please,” Carly pleaded, struggling to speak, “don’t say any more.”
Brand ignored her. “Together we can give Shawn and Sara the family life they crave. And, God willing, we’ll have more children.”
Her pain was real and felt like a knife blade slicing through her. “No. I’m sorry … so sorry. I can’t.”
He took a step toward her, and Carly backed up against the kitchen counter, unable to retreat farther.
“You’re reacting with your emotions.”
She glared at him, wanting him to give her some insight she didn’t already have. “None of this makes sense to you. I realize that. I’m not sure I can even fully understand it myself. All I know is what I feel. I won’t be a secondhand wife and a secondhand mother.”
“Carly …”
“No.” She shook her head forcefully. “We’ve said everything that’s important. Rehashing the same arguments won’t solve a thing.”
He clenched and unclenched his hands with frustration and anger.
“Please,” she whispered in soft entreaty. “We’re both tired.”
Wordlessly, Brand turned, grabbed his jacket from the back of the sofa, and left. When the door closed behind him, Carly began to shake with reaction. If it wasn’t so tragic, she’d laugh. Brand was so far ahead of her in this relationship. He wanted to marry her—and she had gone only as far as admitting they were dating.
* * *
It was nearly two a.m. before Carly went to bed. She knew she wouldn’t sleep, and she lay waiting until exhaustion overtook her troubled thoughts. Tomorrow was soon enough. Maybe tomorrow some clear solution would present itself. Tomorrow …
But the morning produced more doubts than reassurances. Loving someone didn’t automatically make everything right. And yes, she loved Brand. But Diana was right, as her friend almost always was when it came to understanding Carly. Brand and Carly were two wounded people who had found each other. The immediate attraction that had sparked between them wasn’t physical but spiritual.
When Carly hadn’t heard from Brand by Monday afternoon, she realized that he was giving her the room she needed to think things through. His actions proved more than words the depth of his love. Arguing with her would do nothing but frustrate them both.
At any rate, on Thursday morning she would be leaving for Seattle and Diana’s wedding. With all the stress Diana was under, Carly couldn’t unload her problems on her friend, but at least she would have some time away, close to the only people she had ever considered real family. And Carly needed that.
* * *
Tuesday morning, at about ten, Carly heard the familiar sound of Brand’s car pulling up outside the office building. Her hand clenched the pencil she was holding, but a smile was frozen on her face when he walked through the door.
“Hello, Carly.” He was treating her politely, like a stranger.
“Hi.” Her lips felt so stiff she could barely speak.
“You’re leaving this week, aren’t you?”
He knew exactly when she was going, but Carly played his game. “Thursday morning.”
He sauntered over to the coffeepot and poured himself a cup. Without looking at her, seemingly intent on his task, he spoke. “Will you go out to dinner with me Wednesday night?”
“Yes.” There was no question of refusing. The breathing space he’d given her hadn’t resolved her dilemma. If anything, she felt more troubled than before. “I’d enjoy that.”
He nodded, and for the first time since entering her office, he smiled. “I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you, too,” she whispered.
Brand took a sip of his coffee. “Where’s George?” he asked, suddenly all business.
“In the warehouse.” She cocked her head to one side, indicating the area to her right.
“I’ll pick you up at seven,” he announced, his hand on the doorknob.
“Okay.” He was gone and Carly relaxed.
* * *
Wednesday evening, with her suitcases packed and ready for the morning flight, Carly dabbed perfume at the pulse points behind her ears and at her wrists. The dress she wore was the most feminine one she owned, a frothy pink thing that wasn’t really her. Diana had insisted she buy it, and in a moment of whimsy Carly had done just that. She wasn’t sure why she’d chosen to wear it for her dinner date with Brand tonight. But she’d given up analyzing her actions.
Promptly at seven, Brand was at her door. He looked uncomfortable in the dark suit he wore. His hair was cut shorter than she could remember seeing it, and he smelled faintly of musk and spice.
They took one look at each other and broke into wide smiles that hovered on the edge of outright laughter.
“Are we going to act like polite strangers or are we going to be ourselves?” Brand arched one dark brow with his query.
Carly toyed with her answer. If they remained in the roles for which they’d dressed, there was a certain safety. “I don’t know,” she answered honestly. “If I return to Carly, the confused woman in love, then the evening could be a disaster.”
“I, for one, have always courted disaster.” He ran his finger down her cheek and cupped the underside of her face before kissing her lightly. “And so have you,” he added.
Warm, swirling sensations came at her from all sides, and Carly had to restrain herself from wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing Brand the way they both wanted to.
He took her to the most expensive restaurant in town and ordered a bottle of vintage Chablis.
“Brand,” Carly giggled, leaning across the table. “You can’t afford this.”
His mouth tightened, but Carly could see that he was amused and hadn’t taken offense. What was the problem, then? She put her niggling worry aside as Brand spoke. “Don’t tell me what I can and can’t afford.”
“I do your books, remember?”
“Sometimes I forget how much you know. Now, sit back and relax, will you?”
“Why are you doing this?”
“Can’t a man treat the woman he loves to something special without her getting suspicious?”
“Yes, but—”
“Then enjoy!” His humor was infectious.
They toasted her trip and Carly talked about Diana and Barney, recalling some anecdotes from her friends’ courtship.
Midway through dinner, Carly knew what was troubling Brand. It came to her in a flash of unexpected insight. She set her fork aside and lazily watched Brand for several moments.
“What’s the matter?” He stopped eating. “Is something wrong with your steak?”
Carly shook her head. “No, everything’s fine.”
“Then why are you looking at me like that?” Brand watched her curiously as she stretched her hand across the table and took his.
“Running has been a problem ever since I met you, hasn’t it?” she asked softly. “But, Brand, this time I’m coming back.”
Brand nodded, still showing only a façade of unconcern. “I know that.”
“But you were worried?” She released his hand.
He concentrated on slicing his rare steak, revealing little of his thoughts. “Perhaps a little.”
“You don’t need to worry. If I ever walk away, you’ll know when and the
reason why.”
He answered her with a brief shake of his head, but Carly noticed that he was more relaxed now. “Do you want to go dancing after dinner?” he surprised her by asking.
“Dancing?” She eyed him suspiciously. He’d told her he didn’t dance the first time they’d gone out for a meal. “I thought you said you didn’t.”
“That was before.”
“Before what? Have you secretly been taking lessons?” she teased.
The humor drained from his eyes, and he sought and found her gaze. “No, that was before I ever thought I’d find anyone who’d make me want to dance again.”
Chapter Seven
Carly eased the strap of her carry-on bag over her shoulder as she made the trek through the long jetway from the airplane into the main terminal at Sea-Tac Airport.
Her eyes scanned the crowd at baggage claim until she caught a glimpse of Diana, who was nervously pacing the area. Her friend hadn’t changed. Not that Carly had expected her to. Somehow she never got used to the fact that Diana was only five feet four inches. Their hair color was the same ordinary shade of dark brown. But there the resemblance stopped. Carly was a natural sort of person who didn’t bother much with fashionable hairstyles or trendy clothes. She was too proud of her individuality to be swayed by the choices of others. But it was not so with Diana, who often dressed in the most outrageous styles and clothes. Flamboyant was an apt one-word description of her best friend.
“Diana.”
Carly watched as her friend whirled around and quickly made her way through the crowd.
“Darling, you’re gorgeous.” Diana threw her arms around Carly. Such an open display of affection was typical of Diana, who acted as though she hadn’t seen Carly in years instead of only a few weeks. “But too thin. You’re not eating enough. I knew this would happen. I read an article that said how hard it is to get supplies into Alaska. You’re starving and too proud to admit I was right. I hope to high heaven you’re ready to move back where you belong.”
Carly laughed. “If you think getting supplies is difficult, you should try heating an igloo.”
They teased and joked as they waited for Carly’s suitcase to come around the conveyor belt in baggage claims.
“Where’s Barney?”
“Working. He sends his love, by the way.” Each carrying a suitcase, they crossed the sky bridge to the parking garage. “Wait until you see his wedding gift to me.”
“Diamonds? Furs?”
“No.” Diana shook her head solemnly. “I told him not to bother. Neither one of my other husbands did.”
When Diana paused in front of a red convertible, Carly’s mouth dropped open. “The car. Barney got you a red convertible?” This was the kind of car Diana had always dreamed of owning.
Diana shook her head in feigned dismay. “That’s only half of it.”
“You mean he got you two cars?”
One delicately outlined brow arched. “Better.”
“Better?” Carly gasped playfully.
A few minutes later, Carly understood. Diana exited off the freeway and took a long, winding road that led to an exclusive row of homes built along the shores of Lake Washington.
“Barney bought you a house!”
“He said I’d need some place to park the car,” Diana explained excitedly, as she pulled into the driveway and turned off the ignition. “I still get a lump in my throat every time I see it.” She bit her bottom lip. “I remember not long after we met, Barney was telling me that someday he was going to build a house. I told him about the one I had pictured in my mind from the time I was a little girl. A house full of love.”
“And Barney built you that house.” Carly shook her head in wonder. “Tell me again where you found this man!” she begged.
“The crazy part of it is how much Barney loves me!” Diana sounded shocked that anyone could care for her with such fervor. “And it isn’t like I’m a vestal virgin who’s coming to him spotless. With my track record, any sane man wouldn’t touch me with a ten-foot pole.” Tears filled the dark brown eyes. “You know, Carly, for the first time in my life I’m doing something right.”
Carly’s hand squeezed her friend’s as tears of shared happiness clouded her own vision. “Look at us,” she said, half laughing, half sobbing. “You’d think we were going to a funeral. Now, are we going to sit out here all day or are you going to show me the castle?”
With a burst of energy, Diana led Carly from room to room, pointing out details that a casual inspector might have overlooked. Every aspect of the house was impressive, with high ceilings and the liberal use of polished oak.
“It’s beautiful,” Carly said with a sense of awe. “I counted four bedrooms.”
“Two boys and a girl,” Diana announced thoughtfully. “As quickly as we can have them.”
Shaking her head, Carly eyed her friend suspiciously. “And you used to tell me diaper rash was catching.”
Laughing, Diana led the way into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. “Barney and I can hardly wait for me to get pregnant.” She handed Carly a cold soda. “Here, let me show you what I got him for a wedding gift.” She led Carly into the family room off the kitchen and pointed to the leather recliner. “They delivered it a couple of days ago. For a while I was afraid it wouldn’t arrive before the wedding.”
“I’ll bet Barney loves it.”
“He hasn’t seen it yet,” Diana explained. “He won’t be moving in until after the wedding.”
“Oh.” The surprise must have shown in Carly’s eyes. The couple had been sleeping together for months.
“I suppose it sounds hypocritical at this point, but Barney and I haven’t lived together since we talked to the pastor.”
“Diana,” Carly said softly. “I’m the last person in the world to judge you. Whatever you and Barney do is your business.”
“I know. It’s just that things are different now. We’re different. We even started attending church. Every Sunday. Can you believe it? At first I thought the congregation would snicker to see someone like me in church. But they didn’t. Everyone was so warm and welcoming. In fact, a few ladies from the women’s group volunteered to have a small reception for us after the wedding.”
“That’s wonderful.”
“Barney and I thought so, too.” Diana’s eyes lit up with a glow of happiness. “For a long time I expected something to happen that would ruin all of this. It’s been like a dream, and for a time I felt I didn’t deserve Barney or you or the people from the church.”
“But, Diana—”
Diana interrupted by putting her hand over Carly’s. “My thinking was all wrong. Pastor Wright pointed that out to me. And he’s right, no pun intended. We did a lot of talking about my background, and now I see how everything in my life has led to this point.”
Carly wondered if she’d ever find this kind of serenity or that special glow of inner happiness Diana had.
“I hope you’re hungry,” Diana said. “We’re supposed to meet Barney in a half hour for lunch.”
“I’m starved.” Carly sighed dramatically. “As you’ve guessed, I haven’t eaten a decent meal in weeks. Food’s so hard to come by in the Alaskan wilderness. And I just haven’t acquired a taste for moose and mountain goat.”
* * *
Dressed in her pajamas, Carly sat cross-legged on top of Diana’s huge king-size bed. “One thing I’ve got to do tomorrow is buy a dress. I couldn’t find anything I liked in Anchorage, but then, I wasn’t in much of a mood to shop.”
“I already beat you to it. Knowing you’d put it off to the last minute, I scheduled time for us to go shopping tomorrow.” Diana sat at the vanity, applying a thick layer of white moisturizing cream to her face. “Are you going to tell me about him or do I have to pry every detail out of you?”
Carly dodged her request. “It may take months for you to get pregnant if Barney sees you smear that gook on your face every night.”
“Quit trying to avo
id the subject.” Some of the teasing humor left Diana’s eyes.
“All right, all right. I’m in love with Brand.” The burst of happy surprise Carly had expected didn’t follow.
“I already knew that. I’ve known from the moment you started telling me about him. Obviously, he’s in love with you, too.”
Carly answered with a curt nod. “He asked me to marry him before I left for Seattle.”
“And?”
“I told him no,” Carly said sadly. “I can’t, Diana. He’s everything I want and everything I fear all rolled into one.”
“Is it because of his wife and the two kids?”
“Aren’t you nervous about the wedding?” Carly asked hastily, wanting to change the subject.
“This is my third wedding. I’m over the jitters. Now, let’s get back to you and Brand.”
“I don’t want to talk about me,” Carly said stubbornly. “Brand and I have gone over every detail until we’re blue in the face. I can’t change the way I feel.”
“Sweetie.” Diana only called her that when she was either very sad or very serious. “It’s time you grew up.”
Somehow she’d hoped that Diana, of all people, would understand. “All right, I admit that there will probably never be anyone I’ll feel this strongly about again.”
“But you’re afraid?” Diana prompted.
“Out of my wits.”
Diana’s soft laugh filled the bedroom. “I never thought you’d admit it.”
“This is the exception.” Carly fiddled with the nylon strings of her pajama top. “In a lot of ways you and I are alike. For one thing, I have trouble believing Brand could honestly love me. I’m terribly insecure, often irrational, and a card-carrying emotional cripple.”
“Do you remember how long it took Barney to convince me to marry him? Months.”
“Brand’s not as patient as Barney. He thinks that because we’re in love everything will work itself out.”
“He sounds like Barney,” Diana murmured, more to herself than for Carly’s benefit.
“His children are coming to Alaska the middle of next month.” Carly’s voice was unsteady. Shawn and Sara were the focus of her anxieties.