The moment he hung up, he regretted having left the message. He should’ve just let her cool off. But it seemed obvious that she and Allie were hot for each other. Why couldn’t Kimiko just let herself enjoy it?
Maybe he should call her back and apologize for the “friends with benefits” suggestion. Or maybe he should just try to phone her again tomorrow. Hopefully she’d be over it by then.
“I think I screwed up,” Allie told Lance over the phone as she drove away from Kimiko’s.
“What happened?” Lance asked, pausing in the middle of walking Rufus.
“Are you sitting down?” Allie asked.
Lance dropped down onto the curb. “Now I am.”
Allie took a breath and whispered, “I kissed her.”
“Are you serious?” Lance leaped up from the curb.
“I kid you not.”
“This is huge!” Lance exclaimed. “Did you like it?”
“Yeah. Totally.” Allie’s mind drifted back to the kiss. “She kisses really, really good. I think girls kiss different from boys. Softer. More tender.”
“So are you guys like dating now?” Lance asked.
“No.” Allie let out an audible sigh. “Things got sort of weird.”
“Weird? How?”
“Hold on. I think I’d better pull over. I’m kind of rattled by it.” Allie drove the car to the curb of a side street and stopped so she could concentrate. “Okay . . . So, like, first of all she said she’s not dating anyone. And you know the poem she read tonight? It was about me. So I know she likes me. And it seemed like she liked kissing. I mean, she kissed me back like she meant it. But then she said she wants to just be friends. She doesn’t think she and I can work.”
“Why not?”
“I’m not sure. I think she’s got self-image issues.”
“But she’s so cute,” Lance argued.
“Yeah, but I guess she doesn’t think so. I shouldn’t have kissed her, should I? I hope I didn’t screw everything up. Do you think I screwed up?”
“No, it seemed kind of inevitable. Kissing, I mean.”
“You think so?” The thought cheered her. “So do you think that this plus the two girl-dreams prove I’m bi?”
“Um, I don’t know.” Now that Allie had actually kissed a girl he no longer felt like leaping to the conclusion that she was a latent lesbian. Maybe she truly was bi like Sergio.
“So what are you going to do?” Lance asked.
“I’m not sure.” Allie pulled away from the curb and began to drive toward home again. “I really like her and she said she likes me. I’m just not used to being the pursuer—especially with a girl. This all feels so new. Any ideas?”
“Hmm . . .” Lance wanted to be helpful but he was hardly an expert at pursuing either—and definitely not with a girl. “Maybe send her a text? So she knows you’re thinking of her?”
“That’s good. I like that: thoughtful but not pushy. Great idea! Can you hold on again?” She pulled the car over to the curb once more and texted Kimiko: Thinking of u. Hope u r ok. Look fwd to c u again soon!
While waiting and hoping to hear back from Kimiko, she resumed her drive and conversation with Lance. “So, how was your evening? I haven’t let you talk.”
“Dull compared to yours.” As he headed home with Rufus, he told her he’d gone to Jamal’s to play some games. “That’s all.”
“So, do you think she’ll text me back?” Allie asked, returning the conversation to Kimiko. Allie continued to talk for a half hour while she arrived at home, went inside, and got ready for bed, until she finally calmed down enough to go to sleep.
When Lance climbed into bed, he lay awake for a while, absorbing the thought that his best straight friend from ever since first grade had actually kissed a girl. Was the whole world going bi?
“Did Allie tell you about the smooch?” Sergio asked Lance over the phone the next morning.
“Yeah.” Lance had just showered and gone back to his room to get dressed.
“So, what do you think?” Sergio was still in bed, just waking up.
“Um, I don’t know.” Lance wedged the phone beneath his ear and stepped into his jeans. He felt a little uneasy about repeating the stuff that Allie had confided in him.
“Did Allie like it?” Sergio insisted, scooting up on his pillows.
“Yeah . . . Did Kimiko like it?”
“Yeah.” Sergio didn’t feel as concerned about repeating the things that Kimiko had confided. He was no good at keeping secrets and he hoped that sharing Kimiko’s stuff might help bring her and Allie together. “But she’s scared because she’s never dated anybody and thinks Allie is out of her league. Plus she’s worried about Allie still being half-involved with that guy. But at the same time, she also thinks there’s too much mojo between them to just be friends.”
“So is she going to want to date Allie?” Lance asked as he pulled a pair of socks on.
“I don’t know. She hung up on me.”
“How come?” Lance stood and brushed his hair in the mirror.
“Because I said that if they’re too hot for each other to just be friends, and she’s too scared to date, then maybe they should be friends with benefits.”
Lance set his hairbrush down, feeling a little alarmed. Although he knew of schoolmates who had friends with benefits, he would’ve never considered that possibility—and as far as he knew, neither would Allie. “Does Kimiko want to be friends with benefits?”
“No. That’s why she got mad at me. I was just trying to be practical.”
Lance had never thought of FWBs as “practical.” The idea of sex with a person without being a couple made him uneasy, especially since he’d had hand sex with Sergio while they weren’t officially a couple.
“So, um . . . ,” he asked cautiously. “Do you think of us as friends with benefits?”
“No, man! Why would you ask that?”
“Well, because we—you know—fooled around even though you said you’re not ready to be a couple. So like . . . what exactly does that make us?”
The line went silent for a moment while Sergio shifted beneath his sheets, thinking about the question. He’d tried to show Lance how much he liked him—more than as just a FWB. And he’d tried to let Lance set the pace with sex. Yet Lance didn’t seem to appreciate his efforts.
“We’re dating,” Sergio answered at last. “Aren’t we? If we were friends with benefits, we would’ve had sex by now, not just fooled around.”
Lance felt his anxiety cooling a little as Sergio continued: “I like you, man. I like hearing your voice—and those songs you sing. I like hanging out with you and looking at your face and your sexy freckles. I like your FIERCE smell. I like you. A lot.”
“Well,” Lance said, wanting to believe him, “I like you a lot too.” It marked his first time post-Darrell to say that to a guy. In the months since their breakup he’d begun to wonder if he’d ever again find a guy to say it to.
“Great,” Sergio exclaimed. “Then we’re in sync!”
“So, um, when are we going out again?” Lance asked, suddenly eager to see him again.
“I can’t tonight,” Sergio said. “How about tomorrow?”
“Sounds good,” Lance said. He was curious why Sergio couldn’t go out tonight, but he didn’t want to come off as too clingy and possessive, so he didn’t ask.
After hanging up, he phoned Allie. Although he’d felt reluctant to tell Sergio what Allie had said, he didn’t hesitate to tell her what Sergio had told him. “He said Kimiko said she thinks you’re out of her league, plus you’re still half-involved with Chip, and she’s never dated anyone, so she’s scared.”
“Well, I don’t think she’s out of my league,” Allie replied, while making her bed. “But as far as Chip goes, I can see her point. If I were her, I’d probably feel the same way.”
“But Sergio says,” Lance continued, “that she thinks there’s too much mojo between you and her to just be friends.”
“She said t
hat?” Allie asked. “What else did she say?”
“That’s it, I think. Then they had a fight because Sergio said maybe you two should be friends with benefits, and Kimiko didn’t like him saying that.”
“Friends with benefits?” Allie asked. That idea had never crossed her mind, and it didn’t really appeal to her. “No, thanks.”
“Yeah,” Lance agreed. “I didn’t think so either.”
“So, are you and Sergio going out tonight?” Allie asked.
“No, he said he couldn’t—although he didn’t say why. I don’t know why he didn’t say why. I’m trying not to think about it. Do you want to hang out?”
“Yeah,” Allie said. “I’d like that.”
Lance drove over to her house and they ended up spending the entire day together, listening to music, surfing the Internet, talking about Kimiko and Sergio . . . Lance realized he was obsessing about him, and he had to resist the urge to text or IM him.
After dinner at Allie’s, they went to the mall so he could get a new pair of swim goggles.
“Do you think he’s had friends with benefits?” Lance asked her, as they walked through the sporting goods store. “When we first went out he said he’d done hookups, and even though he said he wants to try a relationship, he won’t talk about who else he’s seeing. Maybe he’s got friends with benefits and hasn’t told me. I hate this! At least with Darrell I knew he was too closeted to risk seeing anyone else.” Lance stopped and searched a rack of goggles while he continued talking to Allie. “If Sergio likes me as much as he says he does, I don’t get why he won’t just say he wants to be a couple. I mean I understand he got dumped and felt hurt, but still . . . How long am I supposed to wait for him to get over it? It feels the same as waiting for Darrell to come out. It sucks to be waiting, not knowing what’s going to happen.”
He tried on several pairs of goggles before finally settling on one.
“And he didn’t say what he’s doing tonight?” Allie asked as they wandered to the food court to hang out.
“No. And after getting shot down at the dance for wanting to know who else he’s seeing, I didn’t want to ask.”
They walked a few paces farther when Allie suddenly stopped. “So, don’t look now but I think you’re about to find out what he’s doing tonight.”
Lance followed her gaze across the tables to where Sergio sat eating ice cream with a tan-skinned, dark-haired guy. Lance’s stomach gave a lurch. Instinctively, he pulled Allie back behind a nearby column.
“Who is that?” she whispered, even though they were way too far for Sergio to hear them.
“I don’t know,” Lance whispered back. He leaned on the column to steady himself and peeked around the corner. Was the guy a date, or a hookup, or a friend with benefits?
“I don’t get a date vibe from them,” Allie said, peering over Lance’s shoulder. “Maybe he’s a relative. They look a lot alike.”
That was true; they did look kind of alike.
“But if he’s a relative, why didn’t Sergio just say he was going to meet a relative?” Lance took a deep breath, trying to calm the sinking feeling in his stomach. “See? This totally sucks, not knowing.” He sneaked another look at Sergio talking and laughing with the guy. “Come on,” Lance told Allie. “Let’s get out of here!”
“You don’t want to say hi and find out who the guy is?” Allie asked.
“No. No, I want go home.”
As they drove away from the mall, Lance stayed quiet. Alternating waves of anger and hurt washed over him while the image of Sergio with the guy persisted in his mind.
“Just ask him tomorrow who it was,” Allie suggested, patting Lance’s shoulder as he stared sullenly out the windshield.
He didn’t reply to her. He had a hard time getting to sleep that night, his thoughts still fixed on Sergio and the guy.
The following morning on the drive to church, Allie didn’t ask about Sergio. And Lance didn’t ask about Kimiko. Instead, they both focused on the hymns they were scheduled to sing that day, rehearsing in the car.
After lunch with Allie and some choir friends, Lance returned home. He was changing out of his church clothes when his cell rang with the ring tone he’d set for Sergio. Lance stared at the phone screen, steeling himself to answer.
“Hi.” He finally picked up.
“What up?” Sergio said. “How was choir?”
“Good,” Lance told him. “How’s it going with you?”
“It’s going good.” Sergio yawned. “I slept late. Now I was just playing with Elton so he won’t complain. Otherwise he gets jealous like: Why the hell don’t you ever play with me, you stinking pendejo?”
Lance laughed politely even though he didn’t know what “pendejo” meant and he didn’t really feel like laughing. He wanted to see if Sergio would tell him the truth about the guy at the mall: “So, um, what did you do last night?”
“Went to the mall,” Sergio said. “How about you?”
“Um, went to the mall too.” Lance felt a little silly for drawing this out rather than simply asking: who was the guy?
“Really?” Sergio lifted Elton back into his cage. “Which mall?”
“The same one you went to,” Lance replied.
“You saw me there?” Sergio asked. “Why didn’t you say hi?”
“Because you were busy with someone.”
“Yeah, that was my cousin. You should’ve said hi.”
“Well”—Lance kicked his shoes off—“how was I supposed to know he wasn’t a date, or a hookup, or a friend with benefits?”
Sergio heard the annoyance in his voice. “Hey, chill, man. You’re overreacting.”
“So how am I supposed to react,” Lance said in a hard tone, “if you won’t tell me if you’re still seeing other people?” A surge of anger swelled in his chest, rising into his throat. “This sucks, you know that? How would you feel if I were dating other people?”
“Well, if that’s what you want to do . . . ,” Sergio said, growing equally aggravated.
“No, that’s not what I want to do! And I don’t want to be wondering who else you’re going out with either. If you don’t want to be a couple, then I don’t want to go out anymore!”
Lance tried to calm down, a little shocked he’d exploded like that. Yet under his anger breathed a little relief.
Sergio turned silent, not sure how to respond to Lance’s outburst. He didn’t want to lose Lance, but . . . “I told you, man, I’m not ready to be a couple.”
“Then it’s over,” Lance said. It stunned him that he’d said it. Should he take it back? Maybe now Sergio would change his mind, say that he did want to be a couple, and agree not go out with anybody else.
But instead, Sergio told him, “You’re acting like a kid.”
Lance winced, doubting himself. Is Sergio right? Am I acting like a kid?
“No,” Lance said, his resolve returning. “You’re the one who’s not willing to commit.”
It felt good to stand up for himself, even if it meant losing Sergio.
Both of them became quiet, each listening to his own breath, neither willing to change his mind nor knowing what more to say.
“Hello?” Sergio said at last, wondering if Lance had hung up on him.
“Yeah?” Lance replied, hoping that Sergio would apologize for having called him a kid.
“I guess . . . ,” Sergio said, “. . . good-bye, then.”
“Um, bye,” Lance replied, while his stomach slipped down to his toes—at least that’s what it felt like. Oh, crap, he thought as the line clicked off. Did I really just do that?
After getting dumped by Darrell, he’d come to think of himself as the one who got broken up with, not the one who did the breaking up. Shouldn’t it feel better to ditch someone than to get ditched? In this case it didn’t.
Immediately, he phoned Allie.
“Wow,” she replied when he told her what he’d said to Sergio. “You really said that?”
“Um,
yeah.” He now wished he hadn’t said it. “I shouldn’t have, should I?”
“I don’t know,” Allie said. “Do you think you should’ve?”
“I don’t know either,” Lance told her. “I’ve never dumped anybody before. Shouldn’t it feel easier than getting dumped?”
“See?” Allie replied. “That’s what I’ve been going through with Chip. Do you want to come over? I’m babysitting Josh but you can color with us till he takes a nap.”
“I’m on my way,” Lance told her. Even though he’d left her only an hour earlier, he quickly finished changing clothes and headed out the door.
What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why . . . That title line of an Edna Saint Vincent Millay sonnet echoed through Kimiko’s mind on Sunday as she sat on her bedroom carpet, trying to conjure up a new poem of her own. But words simply wouldn’t come—only questions about Allie.
Why did she kiss me? They couldn’t possibly have any future together other than as friends. They were too different.
Kimiko put her pen down and gazed at herself in the mirror: She looked so plain. She felt so uncertain. She was so inexperienced. . . . Then she thought about Allie: beautiful, mature, cool, confident. . . .
So, why the heck did she kiss me? Just to test what it felt like to kiss a girl? Doesn’t she realize how much it hurts to be toyed with like that? Has she no clue how much I like her?
A line from a Walt Whitman poem drifted into her thoughts: Sometimes with one I love I fill myself with rage for fear I effuse unreturn’d love. . . .
Do I love her? Kimiko wondered. What would be the point? It can’t go anywhere. Even if Allie were truly bi, that didn’t mean she’d want to date or be anything more than friends. And Kimiko definitely didn’t want to be friends with benefits. It would be too frustrating to try to keep her feelings in check.
She got up from the carpet, walked to her bookshelf, and pulled out her copy of Whitman’s Leaves of Grass. Turning to the section titled “Calamus,” she read:
But now I think there is no unreturn’d love—
the pay is certain, one way or another;
(I loved a certain person ardently, and my love