My mind was so twisted with fury I could not even make myself comprehend what his last few sentences meant.
Cole sat forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He stared into my face for what could have been a few intense seconds or several long minutes, I wasn’t sure. His eyes were so severe, I could not look away. They drew me in, called to me like water would to a man who had been stranded in a desert for days without it.
I snapped my eyes closed and turned my head away.
Something was wrong with those eyes. They did strange things to my thinking and I didn’t like it. There was a power behind them that was all the more evidence he was not human anymore.
“You’re dying, Jessica,” Cole said, his voice hard and clear. When he didn’t say anything else I looked back at him, trying to be careful to not lock eyes with him again.
His eyes were hard, his jaw clenched, his fists knotted into balls that rested on his knees.
“I’m sick,” I said with disgust in my voice as I struggled to sit up a bit. “That doesn’t mean I’m dying.”
“Actually it does,” Cole said, his voice low. “You remember that lovely little conversation you had with your father yesterday? Everything he said was the truth. You were dying when you were a child. He made a plea to have more time with you and that plea was heard.
“You’ve been living on borrowed time for the last fifteen years but that time is quickly running out. Do you remember what your father said was wrong with you when you were a child?”
I didn’t want to consider what Cole was saying but I couldn’t help but recall the conversation. My father had said I’d had a horrible fever, chills, headaches, body aches, I couldn’t eat anything without throwing up. Exactly like I was experiencing now.
“The same thing is happening again. Like I said, you’ve been living on borrowed time in exchange for standing trials. Time is up though. You don’t have long left now. You’re already becoming more like me with every passing day.”
I didn’t have to wonder for long what he had meant by that.
“You don’t normally need to sleep for as long as people do. As an angel, I never sleep, nor do I eat. My needs are not the same. I know how everything looks so disorientingly clear to you now, it’s the same with your hearing, but this is how it is for me always. You are making the gradual transformation into what you should have become fifteen years ago.”
I closed my eyes as the room started tilting. I wanted to deny what he was saying, to tell him he was wrong. The most frightening thing was though, everything he was saying made impossible sense. Things like this should never make sense.
“You will be standing your own trial in not too long.
Do you know where you will be judged to go when that time arrives?” Excitement seemed to be rising in his voice as Cole continued.
“You should know as well as any council member that it takes a life of good living to be exalted. Are you sure you’ve done enough?”
He paused a moment as if to let me consider his question. I squeezed my eyes closed and shook my head, trying with everything I had to block out what he was saying.
I heard the chair squeak slightly and a moment later felt the bed shake as Cole sat on the edge of it.
“I can guarantee the after-life will not be as horrible as it could be if you agree to one simple thing. Stay with me.
Give yourself to me as I wish to give myself to you. I can even get you into a position of power if that is what you want. A seat on the council is yours if you simply agree to be with me and me alone.”
He picked up my hand that lay limply at my side. He brushed two fingers from my forearm down to my own fingers. A strange tingling sensation shot through my veins though it was not at all the repulsive recoiling sensation I was used to when Cole touched me. It was quite the opposite and before I even allowed myself to do so, I wished he would do it again.
“I can make you a very happy woman, Jessica,” he whispered. I could feel his intense eyes burning into my face but I could not look away from the hand that held my own. He traced his fingers up and down again and I shuttered from the pleasant sensation.
“Hell’s not that bad,” I was startled by how close Cole’s whisper was, his lips brushing against my ear.
His last words shook my head clear and I jerked my hand out of his. “I may believe you that I might be dying,” I hissed as I finally met his eyes again but feeling the fire that burned behind them as the hatred poured out of me. “And if I am, so be it. But I will not be your queen of the condemned. I’d rather be a lowly, unimportant damned angel than your lover in hell.”
Cole’s expression was hard for a moment but quickly melted into a smug smile. “We shall see,” he said before he rose and walked toward the door. “I would consider my offer very seriously, Jessica. I am not lying when I say you only have days left. Don’t wait too long.” With that he left and I could hear him lock the door from the outside. I was plunged into darkness, locked in a prison with no windows and the leader of damned angels as my keeper.
There was no way to mark time as it passed other than a general guess from how often I was sleeping. This was happening frighteningly more and more often and I guessed that I was sleeping nearly once a day. The trials were happening all too frequently, though Cole did not return to them again.
Another form of altered consciousness was taking over me as my condition worsened progressively. I did not recognize what it was at first. It started only as a feeling of loss, of feeling like I had lost everything that mattered most in the world to me. It was difficult to tell that this strong, overwhelming feeling of despair was not completely coming from me. While I had no guarantee that those I loved the most were safe, I had given Cole no reason to hurt them. I had to believe that they were safe.
The hallucinatory visions soon followed. They were so strong and so vivid it was difficult to believe that they were not real. I wasn’t entirely convinced that they weren’t real in some way.
The first ones were of Alex. After searching for me for so long he had given up hope. His despair was heart wrenching as I watched him cry out my name, watched him sit awake in the dark at night. I wanted to call out to him, to assure him that everything would be alright.
His grief couldn’t last forever though. The visions that came next were of Alex meeting another woman and quickly falling in love. He gave the ring he had bought for me to her.
I saw Sal, alone and scared in the mental institution.
The staff was telling her that she had to leave and go home.
They also told her that I had gone missing and that they presumed that I was dead. When Sal was alone in her room on what was to be the last night of her stay, she took her razor, ripped it apart till she could get the blades out, crawled into the tub, and slit her wrists. The staff found her the next morning.
The phone rang in my parent’s familiar home and my mother answered it. They told her the same thing Sal had been told. My mother did not even look sad. No tears of grief spilled onto her face.
The most horrifying thing about these visions was the very real possibility of them having actually happened. Alex shouldn’t have to grieve over me for forever, no matter how much it shattered my heart into a million pieces to imagine him being with someone else. What was to keep Sal from actually attempting suicide when she heard that her one true friend was gone forever? And as depressing as it sounded, it was not hard to believe that my mother wouldn’t cry over the un-confirmable possibility of my death.
I tried to keep reality separated from what I hoped wasn’t. What would Alex think happened to me? Would he have any reason to suspect kidnapping? It would have been difficult for someone to sneak onto the yacht and take me, without me making any kind of sound. Would Alex think I had left him in the middle of the night? I had no reason to think Cole didn’t leave some sort of note for Alex, telling all kinds of horrific lies.
And Sal? I guessed she had about a week left in the institute before t
hey would make her leave. What would happen to her after that? And when they couldn’t get a hold of me? I could only hope that somehow Alex might be able to help her and possibly take over my role in her life. She seemed to like Alex enough.
Thinking of such devastating reality seemed to make my condition spiral downward all the faster. Pain was a constant companion; my skin burned fiercely with the fever while its polar opposite of chills shook my body uncontrollably. I had not eaten since I had last seen Alex, though I had no desire to do so.
I couldn’t deny what Cole told me. I was dying and I knew it.
My thoughts wandered on their accord, in an attempt to distract myself from the pain, to future possibilities.
What life would become if I truly had lost and would lose everything and everyone important to me. I did not even have the strength of mind to block out the thoughts of Cole’s offer.
Taking everything and everyone else out of the picture, would it really be so horrible to be with Cole? He could be charming and flattering and obviously he had feelings enough for me to go to so much trouble to come after me.
Certainly an eternity of looking into the perfection of his face couldn’t be so terrible.
I considered something else he had said as well. He was right; it took a lifetime of good living to be exalted.
People in general were good but it was so easy to do something to condemn yourself. Had I done enough to gain blue eyes? What true good had I done with my life? I had abandoned my family years ago and lost most care for them.
I had shut everyone out of my life. I had been selfish enough to drag Alex into this mess. I may not have been a criminal but what had I done with my life to better those around me? If I was to receive my own branding, certainly it would be better to be with Cole than to be one among the thousands, tens of thousands?
Cole had said that hell wasn’t that bad.
Thoughts of Cole filled my head more and more frequently. I found myself pondering over his perfect features over and over. The strong set of his jaw, the straight line of his nose, those intense eyes. Any athlete would have traded his soul for Cole’s body and build.
The memory of Cole’s touch haunted me in a nearly painful way. I wanted him to touch me like that again. I wanted to feel his skin against mine again, just for the trill it gave me.
Imaginings of what the possibilities could be with Cole consumed me. I thought of lying under a blanket of stars, wrapped in those impossibly strong arms and knowing they would never, ever have to let me go. I pictured how his hands would trace up and down my arms, wrap around my waist. How his lips would feel against my own.
The sound of his voice flooded my ears, telling me over and over how he loved me as no other man could love a woman. He told me of how he would do and had done everything he had to to be with me. He whispered how beautiful I was and that he never wanted to be with another woman in the rest of his existence.
As time continued to pass I did not know what was real anymore and what was not. My state of consciousness was so loose I could not tell if Cole was really there, beside me on the bed, whispering those words to me, touching me in the ways I longed for, or if it was only a figment of my imagination. It didn’t seem to matter anymore. The feelings of unreality were better than the pain that ripped through me.
CHAPTER THIRTY
After what had to have been at least a week, pain sank into every corner of my body and it was all I could do to not scream out. No pleasant visions filled my head and all I could think of was the fact that I just wanted it to be over. I was tired of the slow descent toward death.
My brain did not even register the sound of the door being unlocked or the way light spilled into the room. I barely even noticed when the bed shook just slightly. An all too audible sigh slipped out of me though when the hands I had wished for softly traced down from my temple to my jaw.
“It will be over soon,” the beautiful voice said. My eyes searched crazily for the face I longed to see.
Everything around me seemed so blurry but when I finally found his face it cleared. I could see every devastatingly beautiful feature of him.
His face seemed sad, all too serious. A face like that should never look sad. I wanted to reach out and touch it, to tell him that everything was okay, but something inside of me knew it wasn’t. I also couldn’t muster the strength to lift even my fingers.
“The time is fast approaching. You must make the decision,” he whispered. “Are you willing to risk that we might not be able to be together? That you might be taken away from me?”
My brow furrowed as he said this. I didn’t like talk like that. Of course we should be together. I should listen to everything he said. He loved me. Everything he had done thus far was evidence of that. I gave a slight shake of the head, all I could manage through the pain.
With this Cole’s eyes brightened a bit, his jaw unclenched just slightly. “There is something you must do before it happens, before you go. We must guarantee we will be able to be together. We must not take that risk, right?”
My head felt muddled and clouded as I shook my head again.
“You have to make sure where you will be placed,” he said, his voice low and serious sounding. I felt something cold being placed in my hand, like metal of some kind.
“The pain doesn’t have to keep going on. You can make it stop and make certain that we will be together at the same time.”
I lifted my head slightly to see the object that rested in my hand. It was small, hard, and a shiny silver color. The barrel curved beautifully and perfectly and the trigger begged for me to pull it. To end it all.
My eyes never left the gun, even as Cole rose again and left. Even when I was plunged back into darkness I continued to stare through the dark at where I knew it was in my hand.
He was right. I didn’t have to keep suffering through the pain like this. I didn’t have to deal with the sickness, the chills and the fever. And if I chose to end it all I could guarantee Cole and I would be together. That was what I wanted, wasn’t it?
I felt as if a heavy drug had been placed into my system and that drug was telling me that this was what I of course wanted. It weighed me down and made me feel sluggish. But it was so strong, I had a hard time fighting with it, telling it that I wasn’t sure if that was what I wanted.
The gun sat in my hand, a comforting and yet terrifying weight. My head continued to spin and my body raged with aches but I couldn’t bring myself to take that final step. I wanted for it to be over with but I did not feel ready to move on. There seemed to be something else I needed to do, something I needed to take care of.
As I struggled to clear my head, I thought of the reason I needed to wait, even for just another day or so. I needed to make sure those I loved would be safe when I left them behind. I had to get a reassurance from Cole.
I was anxious for Cole to come back into my room but thankfully I did not have to wait long.
“I’ve decided,” I croaked, my voice sounding almost inhuman. “I’ll do it. I’m ready for it to be over. But I need to know that they are safe. Is my family safe?” Cole’s look was triumphant as he took my hand in his.
“Of course. They are safe at home; no harm has come to them.”
“And Sal,” I strained to keep my voice loud enough to be heard. “I need to see her before I go. I have to make sure she will be taken care of.”
Cole’s expression became serious as he considered this. He did not say anything for a good half a minute.
“Alright,” he nodded. “If you give me your promise, I will take you to see her in the morning. It’s too late at night right now.”
I felt that strange fog press more heavily on my mind but I only nodded, my lips unwilling to say the words I was still unsure about.
“Get some rest,” he whispered as he stroked his hand along my cheek, sending the wonderful tingles shooting through my skin. “I will take you in the morning.” The next morning I woke feeling like a new woman d
espite the trial I had just experienced. While I still did not feel perfectly healthy, my body only slightly ached, the chills did not shake me and my skin felt almost normal temperature. The world did not tilt in sickening ways.
For the first time since I had come to be in my room, Cole let me out. I was not allowed to go far though. I walked out of my room and he helped me as I walked a few feet down the hall to a bathroom. The light was blinding and disorienting after sitting in the dark for days and days.
After Cole left me in the bathroom, I looked around to see he had set out soap and the necessities to wash my hair.
There was also a stack of familiar looking clothes sitting on the counter. I began to wonder how he had gotten them but realized it would have been only all too easy for him to obtain them. No one would have seen him enter the house to retrieve them, even if they were looking straight at him.
The water felt like new life washing over me as I stood in the shower. My body suddenly felt disgusting and wasted. I had trouble even recalling when the last time I had showered was. At the same time I realized I had not even needed the use of a bathroom since I had woken up here.
While I was unwilling to turn the wonderful water off, I was even more anxious to see Sal, as Cole had promised to allow. I finished getting ready as quickly as possible.
When I emerged from the steamy bathroom, Cole was sitting at the bottom of a flight of steps that led to an unseen place. His expression was calm and I had no way to guess what thoughts were behind those captivating eyes.
“How do you feel?” he asked as he rose and stood before me. He placed his hands on the sides of my arms, rubbing up and down them slightly.
“Wonderful,” I blurted softly, my skin suddenly feeling so.
“You should get some rest for a while,” he said, his eyes suddenly burning into mine with intensity.