Chapter 13
The lake was calmer than usual—small, steady ripples. I sat on the big rock beside the canoe staring out at the water as I waited. Anna was always very punctual and I knew she would be here at four o’clock sharp, so a glance at my watch indicated I had fifteen minutes to figure out what I was going to say.
I picked up a smooth, flat stone and skipped it across the water. One . . . two . . . three skips before it sank to the bottom of the lake. The ripples made their way to the shoreline by my feet, lapping at the grass and rocks. I wondered what kind of ripple effect this break up would have on Anna. I knew I had to make a clean break with her in order for her to be completely safe. As much as it would hurt me, it would kill me if anything ever happened to her.
I picked up another stone and rotated it at my fingertips as I studied its shape and texture. There was something about this one that made it special. One half of it was smooth and white, while the other half was rough and black. Both of the textured colours were fixed in the centre with one clean line, as if two rocks from two different planets had been welded together.
“What are you thinking about?” Anna's sweet voice interrupted my rock analysis.
Startled, I found her standing next to me. “You're early. That's not like you. What gives?”
Anna checked her watch and said, “Oh, sorry. I didn't realize I wasn't allowed to show up for another five minutes.” She threw a life-jacket at me and began putting hers on.
“It's just that you're always on time,” I reminded her.
“I guess I was just anxious to see you.” She leaned in for a kiss, which I freely gave.
“So how old do we have to be before you stop making me wear this stupid thing?” I groaned as I zipped up the bright yellow life-jacket.
“Just protecting you, baby. Don't want to lose the best thing in my life.”
I immediately regretted the direction that took. I was making this harder than it needed to be.
“What's that in your hand?” Anna asked as she took the rock.
“Oh, just a rock. I was skipping stones before you got here.” I pulled the canoe into the water and readied it for launch.
“It's really pretty.” Anna turned the stone over in her fingers as she studied it. “Don't you think?”
“Yeah, I thought it was kind of neat looking too.”
“It sort of reminds me of us,” Anna murmured, and then our eyes slowly met.
“How so?”
“I don't know really. It just does.”
“Oh, I get it. You're the perfect, smooth side and I'm the rough, dark side. Thanks a lot.” I laughed as I dropped the oars into the canoe. “Climb in before I leave you behind.”
Anna studied the stone again, caressing it with her thumb. I reached over and snatched it from her hand, holding it over the water.
“What are you doing?” Anna laughed.
“Get in the boat or the rock goes overboard,” I teased.
Anna rolled her eyes and reluctantly climbed into the canoe. “You’re so difficult sometimes, Jacob Rovert.”
I snickered and watched her plunk her oar into the water. Just as I was about to toss the stone overboard, I took one last look at its uniqueness and decided that it was special enough to keep. I buried it deep in my pocket.
We paddled our way through the calm water in silence. It took less time than usual, and in about twenty minutes we were tying up the canoe in our own private oasis.
“You know, we should really try swimming here sometime,” Anna said as she watched me tie the canoe to the log.
“We swim here all the time,” I reminded her, playfully.
“No, I mean, we should swim to get here. Like not take the canoe.”
“That would take like an hour.”
“Well, you’d have to wear your life-jacket of course,” she teased. “But I could easily do it without one.”
“I could do it too,” I defended my honour.
“It’s a long swim, Jake. I’m not sure you could make it.”
“Oh, excuse me, Miss Olympic Swimmer.” I rolled my eyes.
“Not Olympic, but I’m just saying I think I could do it.”
“Well, how about we agree that you can, but that you won’t ever try it, okay?”
“Someday I might. Would be a good challenge.” She was provoking me, I thought.
“Okay, so how about only in a life or death situation.” The idea of her swimming that distance on her own scared me. She was persistent and enjoyed challenge enough that I knew she would.
She laughed. “Sure, maybe.”
Anna and I had discovered the island for the first time three summers ago. We had finally convinced her parents to let us take the canoe out by ourselves and we happened upon it, plotted in the middle of a seemingly forgotten lake that connected onto ours by a small river.
“Do you remember the first time we came here?” I asked as we started walking along the shoreline toward our path.
“What were we, like thirteen?” Anna laughed.
I chuckled. “You were thirteen. I was fourteen.”
She turned to roll her eyes dramatically at me. “But do you remember how tired we were when we got here? We paddled for like three hours before we found this place. My whole body was sore for like a week.”
“Yeah, and we were too tired to explore so we found that big oak tree and took a nap under it,” I recalled.
“We slept all afternoon. It was great,” Anna added as she slipped her hand in mine.
My stomach started to churn as I remembered the reason we were here. I suddenly became sick from the thought of disappointing Anna. Was this gift even necessary? What good would come of it, anyway?
“Hey, I have an idea. Why don't we go back to that old oak tree?” Anna said excitedly, reminding me of Abby on Christmas morning.
“Sounds good.”
We walked in silence as we manoeuvred our way through overgrown bushes, fallen trees and large boulders. Although it only took thirty minutes to walk around the whole perimeter of the island, it seemed to take twice as long to find our way back to that old tree. Once we were there, however, there was no mistaking that we had found the right place. The large oak stood at least forty feet tall and spanned thirty feet wide from tip to tip. It was anchored on a slight hill, surrounded by knee-high grass and speckled with long-stemmed daisies. Here, the air seemed cleaner, the sun seemed brighter, and even Anna looked more beautiful than when we had first arrived on the island, if that was even possible.
“This is it,” Anna confirmed. “Just as serene as I remember.”
I led the way to the base of the tree and sat down, pulling her to sit in front of me so I could wrap my arms around her. I felt my pulse quickening as I realized that this was the first time Anna and I had been completely alone since we were defined as a couple.
“What are you thinking about?” I asked, realizing she had been still and quiet for a few minutes.
“Kissing you.” She tilted her head back and kissed my neck with her soft lips. Shivers crept up my spine.
“I like the way you think,” I said as I closed my eyes and felt her warm breath on my neck. My palms started to overheat and my breathing got heavier as she turned and her lips found their way up my neck, then my chin, and finally my lips. Her fingers ran through my hair. I tightened my hold around her waist and pulled her in closer so that I could feel her inhale. I wanted her. I needed her. She playfully bit my lower lip and then pulled away.
“I needed that,” she breathed.
“Me too.” I kept my eyes closed, hoping for more.
Anna flipped around to sit in front of me again and put my arms around her waist. I smiled as I nuzzled my face into the side of hers. I would remember this moment for as long as I lived.
“So, are you going to tell me now what's been bothering you, or do I have to kiss it out of you?” Anna teased as she plucked a daisy from the tall grass next to us. She pulled a petal loose. “He loves
me,” I heard her say as the petal fell to the ground.
The sick feeling in my stomach returned just that quickly. How on Earth was I ever going to do this? Was there any way out of it? I had already thought about giving up my gift so that being with Anna wasn't a threat, but I knew that was first, extremely selfish, and second, extremely stupid as I would probably always be a threat. At least with my gift, I would have a defence against the Defiers. I had even thought about keeping Anna and my gift and hiring security guards to watch her day and night, but that would be impossible to do while keeping the secret. And what kind of relationship would we have if I had to keep this secret life? If I wanted the best life for Anna, I was going to have to let her go.
“Anna, first you need to know how much I adore you,” I began as I squeezed her hand.
“Oh, you adore me now? This morning you just liked me. I wonder what it will be tomorrow,” she teased. “He adores me not.” She pulled another petal and let it fall.
It was hard to ignore the feathers tickling my lips. The corners of my mouth turned up in response. She always knew what to say to make me smile.
“Seriously, Anna, I have to say something that is going to tear both of us apart. I wish . . . I mean, if there was any way out of this I would grab at it with both hands. But there isn’t. And it isn’t you . . . I mean, it isn’t your fault . . . I mean . . . you are everything I could ever want in a girlfriend, but, oh man, this is hard.” To my embarrassment, my eyes were flooding with tears. One spilled out and ran down the side of my face, before I was able to quickly wipe it away.
Anna turned and stared at me with wide eyes. “Oh my gosh, Jake. Are you breaking up with me?”
I pressed the back of my head into the oak tree and stared at the sky, begging for another alternative.
“You’re kidding me, right?” Her face had gone white and her lips were trembling. What I would give to take this all away.
“I’m not kidding, Anna. I wish I were.” I hung my head in agony.
Anna slowly stood up. “Jake, what the hell are you saying?” Her hands were on her hips and her eyes radiated pain.
“Anna, I don't know. I want to be with you more than anything. It's just”—I stood up and reached for her hands, but she pulled them away and held them to her chest—“things are moving too fast.” That was the best I could do. Baby steps. My chest was tightening and I was finding it harder and harder to breathe. Everything inside me told me to reach out and hold her. Pull her in close and never let her go.
“Too fast? Why, because you adore me now? Jake, I was kidding about the whole ‘he loves me’ thing. You know that, right?
“I know, Anna,” I quickly assured her as my eyes found the half-plucked daisy still in her hands. She let it go and my heart sank with it.
“What’s this all about? You’re acting so weird.” She took another step backward and I felt a stab in my heart as her unsure gaze studied me.
“I don't know,” I stammered as I steadied my spinning head with my hands. “I don't know.”
“Well, that's just great!” Anna threw her hands up in the air. “Does this have anything to do with Rachel?”
“No! Not at all, Anna. Trust me, there is nothing going on with Rachel.” It hurt enough to do this to her in the first place, I definitely didn't want her thinking it was because of another girl.
“Then what is it?”
“I'm not strong enough to lose you,” I blurted without thinking.
“That doesn't make any sense, Jake. You don't want to be with me because you're afraid you're going to lose me?” Anna didn't really buy it, thankfully. But then her eyes widened and her stance softened. “Does this have anything to do with what happened to Lexie?”
I looked down at the ground to let her question process. Lexie’s near-death experience . . . my fear of losing Anna . . . Oddly, the two did relate, although maybe not in the same way Anna was thinking. I was scared of losing Anna like we almost lost Lexie. And if I stayed with her, that was a very real possibility.
“Well, does it?” Anna asked again.
“Yes,” I admitted, still looking down at the grass and hoping that would be enough for her to understand.
“Well, that's just ridiculous!”
“Anna, it's just that if that had been you lying on that floor in the pool of blood, I would've lost my mind. I can't imagine how much harder it would be if I got any closer to you. I'm losing myself in you.”
Anna stood with her arms crossed, staring at me for a long time, and then finally spoke, “Well, let me know when you get over your fear and you finally want a relationship. Until then, I guess we're not exclusive.”
“Anna, I'm so sorry. This kills me to do this.”
“Me too.”
There was an awkward silence and then I finally gained the nerve to reach out again for her hands. This time she let me pull her in and hold her. My eyes welled up and tears slipped down my cheeks onto her golden hair. Just holding her and feeling her rigid but warm body against mine comforted me a little. I squeezed her tighter but she didn’t reciprocate.
“Well, let's get out of here,” she finally grumbled. “I'm getting hungry.”
My heart was pulled apart in a hundred different ways. It hurt to breathe. The agony in her eyes as she turned away made my insides feel like they were crumbling apart. I just let the best thing in my life slip through my fingers.