She grinned at me. Her skin stretched tight over the bones. I cant take creditI got it off a rerun of The Simpsons.
Missed that one.
It was funny.
We didnt talk for a minute. Her hands were starting to warm up a little.
Did he really ask you to talk to me?
I nodded. To talk some sense into you. Theres a battle thats lost before it starts.
So why did you agree?
I didnt answer. I wasnt sure I knew.
I did know thisevery second I spent with her was only going to add to the pain I would have to suffer later. Like a junkie with a limited supply, the day of reckoning was coming for me. The more hits I took now, the harder it would be when my supply ran out.
Itll work out, you know, she said after a quiet minute. I believe that.
That made me see red again. Is dementia one of your symptoms? I snapped.
She laughed, though my anger was so real that my hands were shaking around hers.
Maybe, she said. Im not saying things will work out easily, Jake. But how could I have lived through all that Ive lived through and not believe in magic by this point?
Magic?
Especially for you, she said. She was smiling. She pulled one of her hands away from mine and pressed it against my cheek. Warmer than before, but it felt cool against my skin, like most things did. More than anyone else, youve got some magic waiting to make things right for you.
What are you babbling about?
Still smiling. Edward told me once what it was likeyour imprinting thing. He said it was like A Midsummer Nights Dream, like magic. Youll find who youre really looking for, Jacob, and maybe then all of this will make sense.
If she hadnt looked so fragile I wouldve been screaming.
As it was, I did growl at her.
If you think that imprinting could ever make sense of this insanity . . . I struggled for words. Do you really think that just because I might someday imprint on some stranger it would make this right? I jabbed a finger toward her swollen body. Tell me what the point was then, Bella! What was the point of me loving you? What was the point of you loving him? When you diethe words were a snarlhow is that ever right again? Whats the point to all the pain? Mine, yours, his! Youll kill him, too, not that I care about that. She flinched, but I kept going. So what was the point of your twisted love story, in the end? If there is any sense, please show me, Bella, because I dont see it.
She sighed. I dont know yet, Jake. But I just feel that this is all going somewhere good, hard to see as it is now. I guess you could call it faith.
Youre dying for nothing, Bella! Nothing!
Her hand dropped from my face to her bloated stomach, caressed it. She didnt have to say the words for me to know what she was thinking. She was dying for it.
Im not going to die, she said through her teeth, and I could tell she was repeating things shed said before. I will keep my heart beating. Im strong enough for that.
Thats a load of crap, Bella. Youve been trying to keep up with the supernatural for too long. No normal person can do it. Youre not strong enough. I took her face in my hand. I didnt have to remind myself to be gentle. Everything about her screamed breakable.
I can do this. I can do this, she muttered, sounding a lot like that kids book about the little engine that could.
Doesnt look like it to me. So whats your plan? I hope you have one.
She nodded, not meeting my eyes. Did you know Esme jumped off a cliff? When she was human, I mean.
So?
So she was close enough to dead that they didnt even bother taking her to the emergency roomthey took her right around to the morgue. Her heart was still beating, though, when Carlisle found her. . . .
Thats what shed meant before, about keeping her heart beating.
Youre not planning on surviving this human, I stated dully.
No. Im not stupid. She met my stare then. I guess you probably have your own opinion on that point, though.
Emergency vampirization, I mumbled.
It worked for Esme. And Emmett, and Rosalie, and even Edward. None of them were in such great shape. Carlisle only changed them because it was that or death. He doesnt end lives, he saves them.
I felt a sudden twinge of guilt about the good vampire doctor, like before. I shoved the thought away and started in on the begging.
Listen to me, Bells. Dont do it that way. Like before, when the call from Charlie had come, I could see how much difference it really made to me. I realized I needed her to stay alive, in some form. In any form. I took a deep breath. Dont wait until its too late, Bella. Not that way. Live. Okay? Just live. Dont do this to me. Dont do it to him. My voice got harder, louder. You know what hes going to do when you die. Youve seen it before. You want him to go back to those Italian killers? She cringed into the sofa.
I left out the part about how that wouldnt be necessary this time.
Struggling to make my voice softer, I asked, Remember when I got mangled up by those newborns? What did you tell me?
I waited, but she wouldnt answer. She pressed her lips together.
You told me to be good and listen to Carlisle, I reminded her. And what did I do? I listened to the vampire. For you.
You listened because it was the right thing to do.
Okaypick either reason.
She took a deep breath. Its not the right thing now. Her gaze touched her big round stomach and she whispered under her breath, I wont kill him.
My hands shook again. Oh, I hadnt heard the great news. A bouncing baby boy, huh? Shoulda brought some blue balloons.
Her face turned pink. The color was so beautifulit twisted in my stomach like a knife. A serrated knife, rusty and ragged.
I was going to lose this. Again.
I dont know hes a boy, she admitted, a little sheepish. The ultrasound wouldnt work. The membrane around the baby is too hardlike their skin. So hes a little mystery. But I always see a boy in my head.
Its not some pretty baby in there, Bella.
Well see, she said. Almost smug.
You wont, I snarled.
Youre very pessimistic, Jacob. There is definitely a chance that I might walk away from this.
I couldnt answer. I looked down and breathed deep and slow, trying to get a grip on my fury.
Jake, she said, and she patted my hair, stroked my cheek. Its going to be okay. Shh. Its okay.
I didnt look up. No. It will not be okay.
She wiped something wet from my cheek. Shh.
Whats the deal, Bella? I stared at the pale carpet. My bare feet were dirty, leaving smudges. Good. I thought the whole point was that you wanted your vampire more than anything. And now youre just giving him up? That doesnt make any sense. Since when are you desperate to be a mom? If you wanted that so much, why did you marry a vampire?
I was dangerously close to that offer he wanted me to make. I could see the words taking me that way, but I couldnt change their direction.
She sighed. Its not like that. I didnt really care about having a baby. I didnt even think about it. Its not just having a baby. Its well this baby.
Its a killer, Bella. Look at yourself.
Hes not. Its me. Im just weak and human. But I can tough this out, Jake, I can
Aw, come on! Shut up, Bella. You can spout this crap to your bloodsucker, but youre not fooling me. You know youre not going to make it.
She glared at me. I do not know that. Im worried about it, sure.
Worried about it, I repeated through my teeth.
She gasped then and clutched at her stomach. My fury vanished like a light switch being turned off.
Im fine, she panted. Its nothing.
But I didnt hear; her hands had pulled her sweatshirt to the side, and I stared, horrified, at the skin it exposed. Her stomach looked like it was stained with big splotches of purple-black ink.
She saw my stare, and she yanked the fabric back in place.
Hes strong, thats all, she said
defensively.
The ink spots were bruises.
I almost gagged, and I understood what hed said, about watching it hurt her. Suddenly, I felt a little crazy myself.
Bella, I said.
She heard the change in my voice. She looked up, still breathing heavy, her eyes confused.
Bella, dont do this.
Jake
Listen to me. Dont get your back up yet. Okay? Just listen. What if ?
What if what?
What if this wasnt a one-shot deal? What if it wasnt all or nothing? What if you just listened to Carlisle like a good girl, and kept yourself alive?
I wont
Im not done yet. So you stay alive. Then you can start over. This didnt work out. Try again.
She frowned. She raised one hand and touched the place where my eyebrows were mashing together. Her fingers smoothed my forehead for a moment while she tried to make sense of it.
I dont understand. What do you mean, try again? You cant think Edward would let me ? And what difference would it make? Im sure any baby
Yes, I snapped. Any kid of his would be the same.
Her tired face just got more confused. What?
But I couldnt say any more. There was no point. I would never be able to save her from herself. Id never been able to do that.
Then she blinked, and I could see she got it.
Oh. Ugh. Please, Jacob. You think I should kill my baby and replace it with some generic substitute? Artificial insemination? She was mad now. Why would I want to have some strangers baby? I suppose it just doesnt make a difference? Any baby will do?
I didnt mean that, I muttered. Not a stranger.
She leaned forward. Then what are you saying?
Nothing. Im saying nothing. Same as ever.
Where did that come from?
Forget it, Bella.
She frowned, suspicious. Did he tell you to say that?
I hesitated, surprised that shed made that leap so quick. No.
He did, didnt he?
No, really. He didnt say anything about artificial whatever.
Her face softened then, and she sank back against the pillows, looking exhausted. She stared off to the side when she spoke, not talking to me at all. He would do anything for me. And Im hurting him so much. But what is he thinking? That I would trade thisher hand traced across her bellyfor some strangers . . . She mumbled the last part, and then her voice trailed off. Her eyes were wet.
You dont have to hurt him, I whispered. It burned like poison in my mouth to beg for him, but I knew this angle was probably my best bet for keeping her alive. Still a thousand-to-one odds. You could make him happy again, Bella. And I really think hes losing it. Honestly, I do.
She didnt seem to be listening; her hand made small circles on her battered stomach while she chewed on her lip. It was quiet for a long time. I wondered if the Cullens were very far away. Were they listening to my pathetic attempts to reason with her?
Not a stranger? she murmured to herself. I flinched. What exactly did Edward say to you? she asked in a low voice.
Nothing. He just thought you might listen to me.
Not that. About trying again.
Her eyes locked on mine, and I could see that Id already given too much away.
Nothing.
Her mouth fell open a little. Wow.
It was silent for a few heartbeats. I looked down at my feet again, unable to meet her stare.
He really would do anything, wouldnt he? she whispered.
I told you he was going crazy. Literally, Bells.
Im surprised you didnt tell on him right away. Get him in trouble.
When I looked up, she was grinning.
Thought about it. I tried to grin back, but I could feel the smile mangle on my face.
She knew what I was offering, and she wasnt going to think twice about it. Id known that she wouldnt. But it still stung.
There isnt much you wouldnt do for me, either, is there? she whispered. I really dont know why you bother. I dont deserve either of you.
It makes no difference, though, does it?
Not this time. She sighed. I wish I could explain it to you right so that you would understand. I cant hurt himshe pointed to her stomachany more than I could pick up a gun and shoot you. I love him.
Why do you always have to love the wrong things, Bella?
I dont think I do.
I cleared the lump out of my throat so that I could make my voice hard like I wanted it. Trust me.
I started to get to my feet.
Where are you going?
Im not doing any good here.
She held out her thin hand, pleading. Dont go.
I could feel the addiction sucking at me, trying to keep me near her.
I dont belong here. Ive got to get back.
Why did you come today? she asked, still reaching limply.
Just to see if you were really alive. I didnt believe you were sick like Charlie said.
I couldnt tell from her face whether she bought that or not.
Will you come back again? Before . . .
Im not going to hang around and watch you die, Bella.
She flinched. Youre right, youre right. You should go.
I headed for the door.
Bye, she whispered behind me. Love you, Jake.
I almost went back. I almost turned around and fell down on my knees and started begging again. But I knew that I had to quit Bella, quit her cold turkey, before she killed me, like she was going to kill him.
Sure, sure, I mumbled on my way out.
I didnt see any of the vampires. I ignored my bike, standing all alone in the middle of the meadow. It wasnt fast enough for me now. My dad would be freaked outSam, too. What would the pack make of the fact that they hadnt heard me phase? Would they think the Cullens got me before Id had the chance? I stripped down, not caring who might be watching, and started running. I blurred into wolf mid-stride.
They were waiting. Of course they were.
Jacob, Jake, eight voices chorused in relief.
Come home now, the Alpha voice ordered. Sam was furious.
I felt Paul fade out, and I knew Billy and Rachel were waiting to hear what had happened to me. Paul was too anxious to give them the good news that I wasnt vampire chow to listen to the whole story.
I didnt have to tell the pack I was on my waythey could see the forest blurring past me as I sprinted for home. I didnt have to tell them that I was half-past crazy, either. The sickness in my head was obvious.
They saw all the horrorBellas mottled stomach; her raspy voice: hes strong, thats all; the burning man in Edwards face: watching her sicken and waste away seeing it hurting her; Rosalie crouched over Bellas limp body: Bellas life means nothing to herand for once, no one had anything to say.
Their shock was just a silent shout in my head. Wordless.
!!!!
I was halfway home before anyone recovered. Then they all started running to meet me.
It was almost darkthe clouds covered the sunset completely. I risked darting across the freeway and made it without being seen.
We met up about ten miles out of La Push, in a clearing left by the loggers. It was out of the way, wedged between two spurs of the mountain, where no one would see us. Paul found them when I did, so the pack was complete.
The babble in my head was total chaos. Everyone shouting at once.
Sams hackles were sticking straight up, and he was growling in an unbroken stream as he paced back and forth around the top of the ring. Paul and Jared moved like shadows behind him, their ears flat against the sides of their head. The whole circle was agitated, on their feet and snarling in low bursts.
At first their anger was undefined, and I thought I was in for it. I was too messed up to care about that. They could do whatever they wanted to me for circumventing orders.
And then the unfocused confusion of thoughts began to move together.
How can this be? What does it mean? Wh
at will it be?
Not safe. Not right. Dangerous.
Unnatural. Monstrous. An abomination.
We cant allow it.
The pack was pacing in synchronization now, thinking in synchronization, all but myself and one other. I sat beside whichever brother it was, too dazed to look over with either my eyes or my mind and see who was next to me, while the pack circled around us.
The treaty does not cover this.
This puts everyone in danger.
I tried to understand the spiraling voices, tried to follow the curling pathway the thoughts made to see where they were leading, but it wasnt making sense. The pictures in the center of their thoughts were my picturesthe very worst of them. Bellas bruises, Edwards face as he burned.