But that fact would probably mean nothing to Sam now. The treaty was dead. The question today was how thin he was willing to spread his force. Was he looking for stray Cullens to poach on their land or not? Had Jared spoken the truth or taken advantage of the silence between us?
We got deeper and deeper into the mountains without finding any trace of the pack. Fading vampire trails were everywhere, but the scents were familiar now. I was breathing them in all day long.
I found a heavy, somewhat recent concentration on one particular trailall of them coming and going here except for Edward. Some reason for gathering that must have been forgotten when Edward brought his dying pregnant wife home. I gritted my teeth. Whatever it was, it had nothing to do with me.
Leah didnt push herself past me, though she could have now. I was paying more attention to each new scent than I was to the speed contest. She kept to my right side, running with me rather than racing against me.
Were getting pretty far out here, she commented.
Yeah. If Sam was hunting strays, we should have crossed his trail by now.
Makes more sense right now for him to bunker down in La Push, Leah thought. He knows were giving the bloodsuckers three extra sets of eyes and legs. Hes not going to be able to surprise them.
This was just a precaution, really.
Wouldnt want our precious parasites taking unnecessary chances.
Nope, I agreed, ignoring the sarcasm.
Youve changed so much, Jacob. Talk about one-eighties.
Youre not exactly the same Leah Ive always known and loved, either.
True. Am I less annoying than Paul now?
Amazingly yes.
Ah, sweet success.
Congrats.
We ran in silence again then. It was probably time to turn around, but neither of us wanted to. It felt nice to run like this. Wed been staring at the same small circle of a trail for too long. It felt good to stretch our muscles and take the rugged terrain. We werent in a huge hurry, so I thought maybe we should hunt on the way back. Leah was pretty hungry.
Yum, yum, she thought sourly.
Its all in your head, I told her. Thats the way wolves eat. Its natural. It tastes fine. If you didnt think about it from a human perspective
Forget the pep talk, Jacob. Ill hunt. I dont have to like it.
Sure, sure, I agreed easily. It wasnt my business if she wanted to make things harder for herself.
She didnt add anything for a few minutes; I started thinking about turning back.
Thank you, Leah suddenly told me in a much different tone.
For?
For letting me be. For letting me stay. Youve been nicer than I had any right to expect, Jacob.
Er, no problem. Actually, I mean that. I dont mind having you here like I thought I would.
She snorted, but it was a playful sound. What a glowing commendation!
Dont let it go to your head.
Okayif you dont let this go to yours. She paused for a second. I think you make a good Alpha. Not in the same way Sam does, but in your own way. Youre worth following, Jacob.
My mind went blank with surprise. It took me a second to recover enough to respond.
Er, thanks. Not totally sure Ill be able to stop that one from going to my head, though. Where did that come from?
She didnt answer right away, and I followed the wordless direction of her thoughts. She was thinking about the futureabout what Id said to Jared the other morning. About how the time would be up soon, and then Id go back to the forest. About how Id promised that she and Seth would return to the pack when the Cullens were gone. . . .
I want to stay with you, she told me.
The shock shot through my legs, locking my joints. She blew past me and then put on the brakes. Slowly, she walked back to where I was frozen in place.
I wont be a pain, I swear. I wont follow you around. You can go wherever you want, and Ill go where I want. Youll only have to put up with me when were both wolves. She paced back and forth in front of me, swishing her long gray tail nervously. And, as Im planning on quitting as soon as I can manage it maybe that wont be so often.
I didnt know what to say.
Im happier now, as a part of your pack, than I have been in years.
I want to stay, too, Seth thought quietly. I hadnt realized hed been paying much attention to us as he ran the perimeter. I like this pack.
Hey, now! Seth, this isnt going to be a pack much longer. I tried to put my thoughts together so they would convince him. Weve got a purpose now, but when after thats over, Im just going to go wolf. Seth, you need a purpose. Youre a good kid. Youre the kind of person who always has a crusade. And theres no way youre leaving La Push now. Youre going to graduate from high school and do something with your life. Youre going to take care of Sue. My issues are not going to mess up your future.
But
Jacob is right, Leah seconded.
Youre agreeing with me?
Of course. But none of that applies to me. I was on my way out, anyway. Ill get a job somewhere away from La Push. Maybe take some courses at a community college. Get into yoga and meditation to work on my temper issues. And stay a part of this pack for the sake of my mental well-being. Jacobyou can see how that makes sense, right? I wont bother you, you wont bother me, everyone is happy.
I turned back and started loping slowly toward the west.
This is a bit much to deal with, Leah. Let me think about it, kay?
Sure. Take your time.
It took us longer to make the run back. I wasnt trying for speed. I was just trying to concentrate enough that I wouldnt plow headfirst into a tree. Seth was grumbling a little bit in the back of my head, but I was able to ignore him. He knew I was right. He wasnt going to abandon his mom. He would go back to La Push and protect the tribe like he should.
But I couldnt see Leah doing that. And that was just plain scary.
A pack of the two of us? No matter the physical distance, I couldnt imagine the the intimacy of that situation. I wondered if shed really thought it through, or if she was just desperate to stay free.
Leah didnt say anything as I chewed it over. It was like she was trying to prove how easy it would be if it was just us.
We ran into a herd of black-tailed deer just as the sun was coming up, brightening the clouds a little bit behind us. Leah sighed internally but didnt hesitate. Her lunge was clean and efficientgraceful, even. She took down the largest one, the buck, before the startled animal fully understood the danger.
Not to be outdone, I swooped down on the next largest deer, snapping her neck between my jaws quickly, so she wouldnt feel unnecessary pain. I could feel Leahs disgust warring with her hunger, and I tried to make it easier for her by letting the wolf in me have my head. Id lived all-wolf for long enough that I knew how to be the animal completely, to see his way and think his way. I let the practical instincts take over, letting her feel that, too. She hesitated for a second, but then, tentatively, she seemed to reach out with her mind and try to see my way. It felt very strangeour minds were more closely linked than they had ever been before, because we both were trying to think together.
Strange, but it helped her. Her teeth cut through the fur and skin of her kills shoulder, tearing away a thick slab of streaming flesh. Rather than wince away as her human thoughts wanted to, she let her wolf-self react instinctively. It was kind of a numbing thing, a thoughtless thing. It let her eat in peace.
It was easy for me to do the same. And I was glad I hadnt forgotten this. This would be my life again soon.
Was Leah going to be a part of that life? A week ago, I wouldve found that idea beyond horrifying. I wouldntve been able to stand it. But I knew her better now. And, relieved from the constant pain, she wasnt the same wolf. Not the same girl.
We ate together until we both were full.
Thanks, she told me later as she was cleaning her muzzle and paws against the wet grass. I didnt bother; it had just started to drizzle
and we had to swim the river again on our way back. Id get clean enough. That wasnt so bad, thinking your way.
Youre welcome.
Seth was dragging when we hit the perimeter. I told him to get some sleep; Leah and I would take over the patrol. Seths mind faded into unconsciousness just seconds later.
You headed back to the bloodsuckers? Leah asked.
Maybe.
Its hard for you to be there, but hard to stay away, too. I know how that feels.
You know, Leah, you might want to think a little bit about the future, about what you really want to do. My head is not going to be the happiest place on earth. And youll have to suffer right along with me.
She thought about how to answer me. Wow, this is going to sound bad. But, honestly, it will be easier to deal with your pain than face mine.
Fair enough.
I know its going to be bad for you, Jacob. I understand thatmaybe better than you think. I dont like her, but shes your Sam. Shes everything you want and everything you cant have.
I couldnt answer.
I know its worse for you. At least Sam is happy. At least hes alive and well. I love him enough that I want that. I want him to have whats best for him. She sighed. I just dont want to stick around to watch.
Do we need to talk about this?
I think we do. Because I want you to know that I wont make it worse for you. Hell, maybe Ill even help. I wasnt born a compassionless shrew. I used to be sort of nice, you know.
My memory doesnt go that far back.
We both laughed once.
Im sorry about this, Jacob. Im sorry youre in pain. Im sorry its getting worse and not better.
Thanks, Leah.
She thought about the things that were worse, the black pictures in my head, while I tried to tune her out without much success. She was able to look at them with some distance, some perspective, and I had to admit that this was helpful. I could imagine that maybe I would be able to see it that way, too, in a few years.
She saw the funny side of the daily irritations that came from hanging out around vampires. She liked my ragging on Rosalie, chuckling internally and even running through a few blonde jokes in her mind that I might be able to work in. But then her thoughts turned serious, lingering on Rosalies face in a way that confused me.
You know whats crazy? she asked.
Well, almost everything is crazy right now. But what do you mean?
That blond vampire you hate so muchI totally get her perspective.
For a second I thought she was making a joke that was in very poor taste. And then, when I realized she was serious, the fury that ripped through me was hard to control. It was a good thing wed spread out to run our watch. If shed been within biting distance
Hold up! Let me explain!
Dont want to hear it. Im outta here.
Wait! Wait! she pleaded as I tried to calm myself enough to phase back. Cmon, Jake!
Leah, this isnt really the best way to convince me that I want to spend more time with you in the future.
Yeesh! What an overreaction. You dont even know what Im talking about.
So what are you talking about?
And then she was suddenly the pain-hardened Leah from before. Im talking about being a genetic dead end, Jacob.
The vicious edge to her words left me floundering. I hadnt expected to have my anger trumped.
I dont understand.
You would, if you werent just like the rest of them. If my female stuffshe thought the words with a hard, sarcastic tonedidnt send you running for cover just like any stupid male, so you could actually pay attention to what it all means.
Oh.
Yeah, so none of us like to think about that stuff with her. Who would? Of course I remembered Leahs panic that first month after she joined the packand I remembered cringing away from it just like everyone else. Because she couldnt be pregnantnot unless there was some really freaky religious immaculate crap going on. She hadnt been with anyone since Sam. And then, when the weeks dragged on and nothing turned into more nothing, shed realized that her body wasnt following the normal patterns anymore. The horrorwhat was she now? Had her body changed because shed become a werewolf? Or had she become a werewolf because her body was wrong? The only female werewolf in the history of forever. Was that because she wasnt as female as she should be?
None of us had wanted to deal with that breakdown. Obviously, it wasnt like we could empathize.
You know why Sam thinks we imprint, she thought, calmer now.
Sure. To carry on the line.
Right. To make a bunch of new little werewolves. Survival of the species, genetic override. Youre drawn to the person who gives you the best chance to pass on the wolf gene.
I waited for her to tell me where she was going with this.
If I was any good for that, Sam would have been drawn to me.
Her pain was enough that I broke stride under it.
But Im not. Theres something wrong with me. I dont have the ability to pass on the gene, apparently, despite my stellar bloodlines. So I become a freakthe girlie-wolfgood for nothing else. Im a genetic dead end and we both know it.
We do not, I argued with her. Thats just Sams theory. Imprinting happens, but we dont know why. Billy thinks its something else.
I know, I know. He thinks youre imprinting to make stronger wolves. Because you and Sam are such humongous monstersbigger than our fathers. But either way, Im still not a candidate. Im Im menopausal. Im twenty years old and Im menopausal.
Ugh. I so didnt want to have this conversation. You dont know that, Leah. Its probably just the whole frozen-in-time thing. When you quit your wolf and start getting older again, Im sure things will er pick right back up.
I might think thatexcept that no ones imprinting on me, notwithstanding my impressive pedigree. You know, she added thoughtfully, if you werent around, Seth would probably have the best claim to being Alphathrough his blood, at least. Of course, no one would ever consider me. . . .
You really want to imprint, or be imprinted on, or whichever? I demanded. Whats wrong with going out and falling in love like a normal person, Leah? Imprinting is just another way of getting your choices taken away from you.
Sam, Jared, Paul, Quil they dont seem to mind.
None of them have a mind of their own.
You dont want to imprint?
Hell, no!
Thats just because youre already in love with her. That would go away, you know, if you imprinted. You wouldnt have to hurt over her anymore.
Do you want to forget the way you feel about Sam?
She deliberated for a moment. I think I do.
I sighed. She was in a healthier place than I was.
But back to my original point, Jacob. I understand why your blond vampire is so coldin the figurative sense. Shes focused. Shes got her eyes on the prize, right? Because you always want the very most what you can never, ever have.
You would act like Rosalie? You would murder someonebecause thats what shes doing, making sure no one interferes with Bellas deathyou would do that to have a baby? Since when are you a breeder?
I just want the options I dont have, Jacob. Maybe, if there was nothing wrong with me, I would never give it a thought.
You would kill for that? I demanded, not letting her escape my question.
Thats not what shes doing. I think its more like shes living vicariously. And if Bella asked me to help her with this She paused, considering. Even though I dont think too much of her, Id probably do the same as the bloodsucker.
A loud snarl ripped through my teeth.
Because, if it was turned around, Id want Bella to do that for me. And so would Rosalie. Wed both do it her way.
Ugh! Youre as bad as they are!
Thats the funny thing about knowing you cant have something. It makes you desperate.
And thats my limit. Right there. This conversation is over.
Fine.
It wasnt enough that shed agreed to sto
p. I wanted a stronger termination than that.
I was only about a mile from where Id left my clothes, so I phased back to human and walked. I didnt think about our conversation. Not because there wasnt anything to think about, but because I couldnt stand it. I would not see it that waybut it was harder to keep from doing that when Leah had put the thoughts and emotions straight into my head.
Yeah, I wasnt running with her when this was finished. She could go be miserable in La Push. One little Alpha command before I left for good wasnt going to kill anybody.
It was real early when I got to the house. Bella was probably still asleep. I figured Id poke my head in, see what was going on, give em the green light to go hunting, and then find a patch of grass soft enough to sleep on while human. I wasnt phasing back until Leah was asleep.