So by the time I found myself crouched against the wall defensivelyabout a sixteenth of a second laterI already understood what had startled me, and that I had overreacted.
Oh. Of course. Edward wouldnt feel cold to me. We were the same temperature now.
I held my pose for an eighth of a second longer, adjusting to the scene before me.
Edward was leaning across the operating table that had been my pyre, his hand reached out toward me, his expression anxious.
Edwards face was the most important thing, but my peripheral vision catalogued everything else, just in case. Some instinct to defend had been triggered, and I automatically searched for any sign of danger.
My vampire family waited cautiously against the far wall by the door, Emmett and Jasper in the front. Like there was danger. My nostrils flared, searching for the threat. I could smell nothing out of place. That faint scent of something deliciousbut marred by harsh chemicalstickled my throat again, setting it to aching and burning.
Alice was peeking around Jaspers elbow with a huge grin on her face; the light sparkled off her teeth, another eight-color rainbow.
That grin reassured me and then put the pieces together. Jasper and Emmett were in the front to protect the others, as I had assumed. What I hadnt grasped immediately was that I was the danger.
All this was a sideline. The greater part of my senses and my mind were still focused on Edwards face.
I had never seen it before this second.
How many times had I stared at Edward and marveled over his beauty? How many hoursdays, weeksof my life had I spent dreaming about what I then deemed to be perfection? I thought Id known his face better than my own. Id thought this was the one sure physical thing in my whole world: the flawlessness of Edwards face.
I may as well have been blind.
For the first time, with the dimming shadows and limiting weakness of humanity taken off my eyes, I saw his face. I gasped and then struggled with my vocabulary, unable to find the right words. I needed better words.
At this point, the other part of my attention had ascertained that there was no danger here besides myself, and I automatically straightened out of my crouch; almost a whole second had passed since Id been on the table.
I was momentarily preoccupied by the way my body moved. The instant Id considered standing erect, I was already straight. There was no brief fragment of time in which the action occurred; change was instantaneous, almost as if there was no movement at all.
I continued to stare at Edwards face, motionless again.
He moved slowly around the tableeach step taking nearly half a second, each step flowing sinuously like river water weaving over smooth stoneshis hand still outstretched.
I watched the grace of his advance, absorbing it with my new eyes.
Bella? he asked in a low, calming tone, but the worry in his voice layered my name with tension.
I could not answer immediately, lost as I was in the velvet folds of his voice. It was the most perfect symphony, a symphony in one instrument, an instrument more profound than any created by man. . . .
Bella, love? Im sorry, I know its disorienting. But youre all right. Everything is fine.
Everything? My mind spun out, spiraling back to my last human hour. Already, the memory seemed dim, like I was watching through a thick, dark veilbecause my human eyes had been half blind. Everything had been so blurred.
When he said everything was fine, did that include Renesmee? Where was she? With Rosalie? I tried to remember her faceI knew that she had been beautifulbut it was irritating to try to see through the human memories. Her face was shrouded in darkness, so poorly lit. . . .
What about Jacob? Was he fine? Did my long-suffering best friend hate me now? Had he gone back to Sams pack? Seth and Leah, too?
Were the Cullens safe, or had my transformation ignited the war with the pack? Did Edwards blanket assurance cover all of that? Or was he just trying to calm me?
And Charlie? What would I tell him now? He must have called while I was burning. What had they told him? What did he think had happened to me?
As I deliberated for one small piece of a second over which question to ask first, Edward reached out tentatively and stroked his fingertips across my cheek. Smooth as satin, soft as a feather, and now exactly matched to the temperature of my skin.
His touch seemed to sweep beneath the surface of my skin, right through the bones of my face. The feeling was tingly, electricit jolted through my bones, down my spine, and trembled in my stomach.
Wait, I thought as the trembling blossomed into a warmth, a yearning. Wasnt I supposed to lose this? Wasnt giving up this feeling a part of the bargain?
I was a newborn vampire. The dry, scorching ache in my throat gave proof to that. And I knew what being a newborn entailed. Human emotions and longings would come back to me later in some form, but Id accepted that I would not feel them in the beginning. Only thirst. That was the deal, the price. Id agreed to pay it.
But as Edwards hand curled to the shape of my face like satin-covered steel, desire raced through my dried-out veins, singing from my scalp to my toes.
He arched one perfect eyebrow, waiting for me to speak.
I threw my arms around him.
Again, it was like there was no movement. One moment I stood straight and still as a statue; in the same instant, he was in my arms.
Warmor at least, that was my perception. With the sweet, delicious scent that Id never been able to really take in with my dull human senses, but that was one hundred percent Edward. I pressed my face into his smooth chest.
And then he shifted his weight uncomfortably. Leaned away from my embrace. I stared up at his face, confused and frightened by the rejection.
Um carefully, Bella. Ow.
I yanked my arms away, folding them behind my back as soon as I understood.
I was too strong.
Oops, I mouthed.
He smiled the kind of smile that would have stopped my heart if it were still beating.
Dont panic, love, he said, lifting his hand to touch my lips, parted in horror. Youre just a bit stronger than I am for the moment.
My eyebrows pushed together. Id known this, too, but it felt more surreal than any other part of this ultimately surreal moment. I was stronger than Edward. Id made him say ow.
His hand stroked my cheek again, and I all but forgot my distress as another wave of desire rippled through my motionless body.
These emotions were so much stronger than I was used to that it was hard to stick to one train of thought despite the extra room in my head. Each new sensation overwhelmed me. I remembered Edward saying oncehis voice in my head a weak shadow compared to the crystal, musical clarity I was hearing nowthat his kind, our kind, were easily distracted. I could see why.
I made a concerted effort to focus. There was something I needed to say. The most important thing.
Very carefully, so carefully that the movement was actually discernible, I brought my right arm out from behind my back and raised my hand to touch his cheek. I refused to let myself be sidetracked by the pearly color of my hand or by the smooth silk of his skin or by the charge that zinged in my fingertips.
I stared into his eyes and heard my own voice for the first time.
I love you, I said, but it sounded like singing. My voice rang and shimmered like a bell.
His answering smile dazzled me more than it ever had when I was human; I could really see it now.
As I love you, he told me.
He took my face between his hands and leaned his face to mineslow enough to remind me to be careful. He kissed me, soft as a whisper at first, and then suddenly stronger, fiercer. I tried to remember to be gentle with him, but it was hard work to remember anything in the onslaught of sensation, hard to hold on to any coherent thoughts.
It was like hed never kissed melike this was our first kiss. And, in truth, hed never kissed me this way before.
It almost made me feel guilty
. Surely I was in breach of the contract. I couldnt be allowed to have this, too.
Though I didnt need oxygen, my breathing sped, raced as fast as it had when I was burning. This was a different kind of fire.
Someone cleared his throat. Emmett. I recognized the deep sound at once, joking and annoyed at the same time.
Id forgotten we werent alone. And then I realized that the way I was curved around Edward now was not exactly polite for company.
Embarrassed, I half-stepped away in another instantaneous movement.
Edward chuckled and stepped with me, keeping his arms tight around my waist. His face was glowinglike a white flame burned from behind his diamond skin.
I took an unnecessary breath to settle myself.
How different this kissing was! I read his expression as I compared the indistinct human memories to this clear, intense feeling. He looked a little smug.
Youve been holding out on me, I accused in my singing voice, my eyes narrowing a tiny bit.
He laughed, radiant with relief that it was all overthe fear, the pain, the uncertainties, the waiting, all of it behind us now. It was sort of necessary at the time, he reminded me. Now its your turn to not break me. He laughed again.
I frowned as I considered that, and then Edward was not the only one laughing.
Carlisle stepped around Emmett and walked toward me swiftly; his eyes were only slightly wary, but Jasper shadowed his footsteps. Id never seen Carlisles face before either, not really. I had an odd urge to blinklike I was staring at the sun.
How do you feel, Bella? Carlisle asked.
I considered that for a sixty-fourth of a second.
Overwhelmed. Theres so much. . . . I trailed off, listening to the bell-tone of my voice again.
Yes, it can be quite confusing.
I nodded one fast, jerky bob. But I feel like me. Sort of. I didnt expect that.
Edwards arms squeezed lightly around my waist. I told you so, he whispered.
You are quite controlled, Carlisle mused. More so than I expected, even with the time you had to prepare yourself mentally for this.
I thought about the wild mood swings, the difficulty concentrating, and whispered, Im not sure about that.
He nodded seriously, and then his jeweled eyes glittered with interest. It seems like we did something right with the morphine this time. Tell me, what do you remember of the transformation process?
I hesitated, intensely aware of Edwards breath brushing against my cheek, sending whispers of electricity through my skin.
Everything was very dim before. I remember the baby couldnt breathe. . . .
I looked at Edward, momentarily frightened by the memory.
Renesmee is healthy and well, he promised, a gleam Id never seen before in his eyes. He said her name with an understated fervor. A reverence. The way devout people talked about their gods. What do you remember after that?
I focused on my poker face. Id never been much of a liar. Its hard to remember. It was so dark before. And then I opened my eyes and I could see everything.
Amazing, Carlisle breathed, his eyes alight.
Chagrin washed through me, and I waited for the heat to burn in my cheeks and give me away. And then I remembered that I would never blush again. Maybe that would protect Edward from the truth.
Id have to find a way to tip off Carlisle, though. Someday. If he ever needed to create another vampire. That possibility seemed very unlikely, which made me feel better about lying.
I want you to thinkto tell me everything you remember, Carlisle pressed excitedly, and I couldnt help the grimace that flashed across my face. I didnt want to have to keep lying, because I might slip up. And I didnt want to think about the burning. Unlike the human memories, that part was perfectly clear and I found I could remember it with far too much precision.
Oh, Im so sorry, Bella, Carlisle apologized immediately. Of course your thirst must be very uncomfortable. This conversation can wait.
Until hed mentioned it, the thirst actually wasnt unmanageable. There was so much room in my head. A separate part of my brain was keeping tabs on the burn in my throat, almost like a reflex. The way my old brain had handled breathing and blinking.
But Carlisles assumption brought the burn to the forefront of my mind. Suddenly, the dry ache was all I could think about, and the more I thought about it, the more it hurt. My hand flew up to cup my throat, like I could smother the flames from the outside. The skin of my neck was strange beneath my fingers. So smooth it was somehow soft, though it was hard as stone, too.
Edward dropped his arms and took my other hand, tugging gently. Lets hunt, Bella.
My eyes opened wider and the pain of the thirst receded, shock taking its place.
Me? Hunt? With Edward? But how? I didnt know what to do.
He read the alarm in my expression and smiled encouragingly. Its quite easy, love. Instinctual. Dont worry, Ill show you. When I didnt move, he grinned his crooked smile and raised his eyebrows. I was under the impression that youd always wanted to see me hunt.
I laughed in a short burst of humor (part of me listened in wonder to the pealing bell sound) as his words reminded me of cloudy human conversations. And then I took a whole second to run quickly through those first days with Edwardthe true beginning of my lifein my head so that I would never forget them. I did not expect that it would be so uncomfortable to remember. Like trying to squint through muddy water. I knew from Rosalies experience that if I thought of my human memories enough, I would not lose them over time. I did not want to forget one minute Id spent with Edward, even now, when eternity stretched in front of us. I would have to make sure those human memories were cemented into my infallible vampire mind.
Shall we? Edward asked. He reached up to take the hand that was still at my neck. His fingers smoothed down the column of my throat. I dont want you to be hurting, he added in a low murmur. Something I would not have been able to hear before.
Im fine, I said out of lingering human habit. Wait. First.
There was so much. Id never gotten to my questions. There were more important things than the ache.
It was Carlisle who spoke now. Yes?
I want to see her. Renesmee.
It was oddly difficult to say her name. My daughter; these words were even harder to think. It all seemed so distant. I tried to remember how I had felt three days ago, and automatically, my hands pulled free of Edwards and dropped to my stomach.
Flat. Empty. I clutched at the pale silk that covered my skin, panicking again, while an insignificant part of my mind noted that Alice must have dressed me.
I knew there was nothing left inside me, and I faintly remembered the bloody removal scene, but the physical proof was still hard to process. All I knew was loving my little nudger inside of me. Outside of me, she seemed like something I must have imagined. A fading dreama dream that was half nightmare.
While I wrestled with my confusion, I saw Edward and Carlisle exchange a guarded glance.
What? I demanded.
Bella, Edward said soothingly. Thats not really a good idea. Shes half human, love. Her heart beats, and blood runs in her veins. Until your thirst is positively under control You dont want to put her in danger, do you?
I frowned. Of course I must not want that.
Was I out of control? Confused, yes. Easily unfocused, yes. But dangerous? To her? My daughter?
I couldnt be positive that the answer was no. So I would have to be patient. That sounded difficult. Because until I saw her again, she wouldnt be real. Just a fading dream of a stranger
Where is she? I listened hard, and then I could hear the beating heart on the floor below me. I could hear more than one person breathingquietly, like they were listening, too. There was also a fluttering sound, a thrumming, that I couldnt place. . . .
And the sound of the heartbeat was so moist and appealing, that my mouth started watering.
So I would definitely have to learn how to hunt before I saw her. My stra
nger baby.
Is Rosalie with her?
Yes, Edward answered in a clipped tone, and I could see that something hed thought of upset him. Id thought he and Rose were over their differences. Had the animosity erupted again? Before I could ask, he pulled my hands away from my flat stomach, tugging gently again.
Wait, I protested again, trying to focus. What about Jacob? And Charlie? Tell me everything that I missed. How long was I unconscious?
Edward didnt seem to notice my hesitation over the last word. Instead, he was exchanging another wary glance with Carlisle.
Whats wrong? I whispered.
Nothing is wrong, Carlisle told me, emphasizing the last word in a strange way. Nothing has changed much, actuallyyou were only unaware for just over two days. It was very fast, as these things go. Edward did an excellent job. Quite innovativethe venom injection straight to your heart was his idea. He paused to smile proudly at his son and then sighed. Jacob is still here, and Charlie still believes that you are sick. He thinks youre in Atlanta right now, undergoing tests at the CDC. We gave him a bad number, and hes frustrated. Hes been speaking to Esme.