Ten
I should’ve never let Gabe walk out the door, but I couldn’t see that I had any other choice. With the mood Dad was in, he would never let him hang around, and even if he had, I knew better than to even entertain the idea. I couldn’t get any more distracted, and I wasn’t about to get any closer to Gabe, only to be ripped away.
Besides, even if Dad hadn’t made plans to uproot and move back to LA, I still let myself get carried away with thoughts that I should never have had in the first place. Yeah, Gabriel Raddick was the only reason I felt things I had never felt before. He was the reason I started questioning all the things that I never thought I would question. He was the reason I finally learned that maybe I had it in me to feel an emotion that was so much stronger than the hatred and resentment I’d carried around for so many years. He was the one who had me considering the possibility of breaking a rule—the rule!
But I couldn’t be that stupid.
I’d watched my parents split apart, the only two people I never imagined giving up. They loved each other once, and their relationship crashed and burned. But even after it had shattered, even after there was nothing left to save, they had an image to protect. Even that, though, the thing they cared most about protecting, couldn’t save them from the inevitable. And if my parents couldn’t make their relationship work to hold up appearances, then I wasn’t convinced there was hope for anyone.
Letting go of everything I’d learned from their marital demise, I still knew better than to fall into the trap. I’d read hundreds of novels, and I’d watched thousands of rom-com movies with my sister. While Bailey was dumb enough to fall for all of the mushy-gushy love nonsense, I knew better. I knew that those tingling, warm, fuzzy feelings that Gabe sparked inside of me were nothing but crazy, little jitters girls get when a cute guy pays them any kind of attention. It wasn’t love. It was just a buzz, and one that would fizzle out in due time.
Just a crush, Mandy, I reminded myself. A stupid crush that would go away the moment we packed up, boarded a plane, and landed in California. I may like Gabriel Raddick in the moment, and I had no choice but to admit the truth to myself (because come on, who was I trying to kid?), but so what? If there was one thing I learned from my mother, it was that it didn’t take more than a few seconds to just flip a switch on feelings. When it came time, I’d forget Gabe the same way my mother had forgotten about us. I could stop liking him whenever I wanted to.
“What’s gotcha down?” Jones asked, leaning on the counter at the Sugar High Bakery, where we’d both landed part-time jobs over the summer. That’s how he ended up meeting Bailey; she’d come by the bakery one night to pick up a cake for Dad’s birthday, they got to talking, and bam! The rest was history. Two months later, they were both happily and blissfully infatuated with one another.
“Mandy,” he said, waving a hand in front of my face. “Yo! Dude, are you alive?”
My eyes snapped in his direction, and I stood taller, suddenly realizing that I’d carried myself away in a daydream.
“Yeah?”
“What’s going on with you lately?” he asked. “You’re not yourself.”
It was Tuesday evening and closing time, and I was still trying to put the last twenty-four hours behind me. It hadn’t been a full day since I’d fought with Dad and Gabe had showed up at the door with a soft gleam in his eye and a sympathetic shoulder for me to cry on. And since Gabe walked out, I hadn’t spoken a word to my father. I’d barely said anything to anyone else.
“Nothing,” I said, but he tilted his head and watched me a little closer.
“I’m gonna go ahead and call bull,” he said, sounding far too much like my sister. “Spill the beans. What’s going on?”
Because Jones and I had worked at the bakery together for so long, he’d become the closest thing I had to a real friend. I hated that because Jones wasn’t any kind of friend to have. I rarely confided in him, especially now that he and my sister were romantically involved, but when I did have something to say, it was usually because he coaxed it out of me. I never went to him by choice. He always forced his way in.
“I don’t really know that it’s my place to say anything,” I finally said as I reached around and untied my apron. I hung it on a peg on the back wall and turned back to him. “It sort of involves you, too, in some roundabout way. It’s probably something you should hear from my sister.”
“You mean your Dad’s plans to move back to Cali,” he said, confident that was exactly what I’d been talking about. “Yeah, Bailey mentioned it.”
I nodded and turned back to the register to start closing down for the night. I punched the three-button code to start printing the day’s receipts, and then Jones stepped a little closer.
“And?”
“And what?”
“That’s not why you’ve been moping around here all night,” he said as if he knew. “Your sister hasn’t shut up about your lives out west since the day we started dating. I’ve heard about a thousand stories about how both of you were happier out there than you’ve ever been here. So don’t play dumb with me, Mandy. You’re not upset because you’re going to California. And if you are, color me shocked. I always thought you’d be the first one back on the plane to LA if you had the chance. You seem to hate everything about your life here.”
Ha! I tried not to snort because that would’ve been rude, right? Still, if that was really what Jones thought, then that only showed how little he actually knew about me (or his girlfriend, for that matter). Bailey would be the first on the plane, and she would have to pull me through the terminal, kicking and screaming.
Sure, I had some pleasant memories of my time back home. As much as I’d loved that life back then, the ending—and the memories of that end—had ruined it for me now.
California wasn’t an option. It would never be an option for me again. Why couldn’t anyone understand that?
“You gonna talk, or—”
“I’m just sad that we have to do it all over again, that’s all,” I said, hoping to leave it at that, but Jones only stared harder. “We’ve just started our senior year,” I further explained. “I’ve got the paper, my commitment to the Raddick Initiative, and…”
I stopped myself just in time to keep from saying Gabe. I didn’t have Gabe, so I didn’t know why I even let it cross my mind. Still, I almost said his name, and that would’ve been terrible.
“Ah, I get it,” he said, and a coy smile crossed his lips. He snapped his fingers and then pointed at me in a knowing manner. “It’s the boyfriend, isn’t it?”
“Excuse me?”
“Bailey said you’ve met someone, but I couldn’t believe it was true. What do you know? Our little Mandy has gone and found herself a man. And now it makes a ton of sense why you’re depressed and don’t wanna leave.”
“That couldn’t be further from the truth, Jones.”
“Yeah, then what was with that goofy smile just then?”
“What goofy smile?”
“You said, I’ve got the paper, my commitment to the Raddick Initiative, and… and then your lips went all twisted and goofy.”
“They did not!”
“Who’s the guy?” he asked, poking me in the side with a tough jab. “Anyone I know?”
I could’ve said, well, yes, of course, but then that would’ve been an admission that he was right that I had been thinking of a guy. And I hadn’t, had I? Had I thought of Gabe just then? It’d been happening so much lately that I could barely keep track of my own thoughts.
“Come on, tell me,” he begged. “I won’t say anything to Bailey.”
“A,” I said, holding up a finger, “That’s a lie. I wouldn’t get the words out of my mouth before you’d be on the phone, telling her everything I told you. And B,” I said, dropping my hand, “there’s nothing to tell, so just drop it already.”
“Psht,” he blew air between his lips and rolled his eyes.
“Please,” I said, giving him a ste
rn look. “Just let it go.”
The paper finished printing, and I tore the receipt from the register. I opened the till, placed the receipt inside with the dollar bills, and carried it back to the office. After leaving it on the desk for Julia, the bakery manager, I returned to the storefront, only to stop at the threshold between the office and the counter.
My breath halted in my throat, and I suddenly forgot how to breathe.
Gabe was there, waiting patiently for someone to return to the counter. He watched the clock for a few seconds, and then he stared down at his hands. I knew I should say something, but I was frozen there staring at him, wondering why in the world he was even here in the first place. What was he doing in Sugar Creek, and what was he doing at the Sugar High so late in the evening? And how had he gotten in? Had I forgotten to lock the door when I flipped the sign earlier?
Jones turned the corner at the back of the bakery, either returning from the bathroom or the storage closet, and his eyes immediately glued to the back of Gabe’s head.
“Oh, dude,” Jones said, “sorry, but we’re closed.”
Gabe turned to meet Jones’s stare, and his blue eyes widened.
“Yeah, I know; I’m sorry,” he said. “I just stopped by to see Mandy. Is she still here?”
Jones kept walking and rounded the counter, never peeling his eyes from Gabe. For a moment it looked as though he was measuring him up, trying to get a good read on the man standing in front of him. Assessing Gabe from head to toe, Jones finally stopped just behind the register and paused. His lips thinned into a long smile after a few quiet moments. He snapped his fingers and pointed at Gabe, and then his mouth hung open.
“Dude, it’s you!”
“I’m sorry?”
I closed my eyes and prayed that Jones wouldn’t go on a rant that sounded something like ‘hey, you’re that freak from high school!’
“You’re the guy, aren’t you?”
Gabe leaned forward and squinted, watching Jones very closely. “I’m sorry, what?”
“Mandy’s got it bad for some guy,” Jones said, almost giddy with excitement. “We were just talking about it right before you came in, and… you’re him, aren’t you?” He snapped his fingers excitedly as he tried to get the words out. “You’re the boyfriend, the guy… the reason she doesn’t want to move to California?”
Gabe continued to hold Jones’s stare, but his hands suddenly fell limp at his sides. When he couldn’t figure out what to say next, he shoved his hands into his pockets and looked around. “Is she here?”
“Yeah, I’m here.” I took a step forward and came directly into his view. Gabe held my stare as I reached the edge of the counter, and his eyes swept over me with a look of admiration, a look I was definitely not used to getting from guys. I studied his lips for a minute, watching as they quivered, threatening to curve into a grin.
“Oooo,” Jones said, rubbing his hands together. “You could cut the tension with a knife! Mandy, man, I knew you were lying about not having a boyfriend!”
“Shut up, Jones,” I said through my teeth, and then I turned back to Gabe. “Hi.”
“Hey,” he said, and his grin suddenly got the best of him.
Again, we stared.
“What are you doing here?”
“I told you I wanted to see you sooner; I thought I’d drive down to check on you.”
“And I told you I didn’t have any spare time,” I said, feeling my lip quirk up. “I don’t think you listened to me very well, Mr. Raddick.”
I’d only been trying to make him smile with that, especially since he’d asked me not to make him sound like such a stiff, but it wasn’t Gabe’s reaction that I noticed in the moment. Jones’s eyes widened and his head snapped up. It was only then that I realized that he hadn’t put it all together; he hadn’t made the connection between the freak-loser Gabe that he’d gone to school with and the handsome, confident man standing in front of him.
“I know, and I’m sorry. I hope you don’t mind,” Gabe said, twisting his lips. “I stopped by your house, and your sister said you were here. I just wanted to make sure you were—”
“I’m fine,” I assured him. “Really. You didn’t have to drive down here.”
Gabe and I watched each other for a few, long minutes, and we let the silence linger a little longer than we ever had. It wasn’t until Jones cleared his throat that either of us even moved.
“Are you leaving soon?” Gabe asked.
“As soon as I can get clocked out,” I said, looking back to the office. “I’ll just—”
“Yeah, sure,” he said, nodding to the door. I turned and disappeared into the office again, stopping just inside the door to take a deep breath.
He’d driven thirty minutes from Desden just to make sure I was okay? What kind of guy does something like that?
The kind of guy who likes you, that’s who!
But no. Not Gabe.
He hadn’t stopped by for any other reason than to make sure that I hadn’t gone off the deep end… right?
I took a few deep breaths and signed my time card as quickly as possible. I hustled to get back to the storefront. I walked in on a conversation I should’ve known would unfold the moment I left the two men alone.
“Dude, I knew you looked familiar,” Jones said, staring open-mouthed at Gabe. “But holy cannoli, man. You’ve changed. What happened to your glasses? And look at your arms. When did you get so thick? I mean, look at you—”
“Stop that,” I said, slapping Jones across the back of the head as I walked by him.
Gabe smiled despite his discomfort. He shifted between his feet as he inched a little further away from Jones.
With my purse slung over my shoulder, I nodded at the front door to let Gabe know I was heading out. I rounded the counter to join him just at the door, and he held it for me as I stepped outside.
“Are you in a rush to get home?”
“No.”
“Good. How ‘bout that walk, then?” he asked as if he’d been hanging on to the hope that we’d finally get to take the walk he suggested the night before.
“Sure, yeah, that sounds fine.” I kept my arms folded at my chest as we turned down the sidewalk. I didn’t want to drop them or let them down; I was too scared of what I might do if my hands started roaming free. Part of me thought I’d wrap myself around him, hugging him and thanking him for being so kind to drive all the way from Desden just to check on me. Another part of me thought I might grab his hand and lock my fingers with his, just to feel his warm skin against mine.
I knew that my hands were best kept right against my body—as far away from Gabriel Raddick as I could get them. I knew that was for the best, but that didn’t mean it would be easy.
“So you’re moving to California,” Gabe said, and his tone was a little more somber than I’d expected.
“Nothing’s official.” I kept my eyes fixed on the sidewalk as we moved away from the bakery. We walked a little slower than I was used to moving, but the way Gabe dragged his left leg, I was afraid that even that pace was a bit much for him. So I walked even slower. “Dad’s thinking of taking a job back home, and if he does…then, yeah. I guess that’ll be the case.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” he said, drawing his words out a little longer than usual. “I guess that’s the fight I walked in on last night?”
“Yeah.”
“Anything you want to talk about?”
“There’s not really much to say.”
A frown settled on his face. He gave me another hard look, and then he shrugged.
“You said he’s thinking of taking a job back home. You’re from California, then?”
“Born and raised… well, raised for the most part,” I said. “Mom always wanted to be a TV writer, and Dad got his start as an extra on the same show she was interning for twenty years ago. He broke into daytime TV, and she followed. They fell in love, got married, had a couple of kids, and that’s about th
e time my life went to hell.”
Gabe smirked. “Right out of the womb, then?”
“Yeah, that seems accurate enough.”
“All right,” he said, looking at me from the corner of his eye. “And you’re upset because… you don’t want to go?”
“You know how they say there’s no place like home?” I asked, and Gabe nodded. “Truer words have never been spoken. There’s no place like home, and there’s not a day that goes by that I’m thankful for that very fact. If I could spend a lifetime avoiding ever going back there, I would. Honest to God, I would.”
Gabe started to say something, but then he hesitated. After a few long seconds of silence, he closed his mouth and turned to me, watching me with a sunken expression.
“So no,” I said, finally answering his question. I looked up at him and met his gaze for the first time since we’d set out on our walk. He watched me without faltering for a moment. “I don’t want to go back, but I’m not sure that really matters. If Dad takes the job, we’ll be out of Sugar Creek faster than you can say see ya later.”
“Can I pry?”
“I suppose.”
“Surely you have friends and family out there?”
“Yeah, sure,” I said. “Friends I haven’t seen or spoken to in years, and family that I never care to see again. I know it sounds heartless, Gabe, but I made up my mind a long time ago to stay here in Sugar Creek. I like the small town life; I love that I don’t have to be around all of those people from my past. I never want to go back to California. I’m still trying to get away from it.”
He kept his lips pressed together, either unwilling or too afraid to inquire any further about what I’d left behind. He seemed to search his brain for a few minutes for something safe to say; I thought, based on the way things had gone lately, there wasn’t really anything he could say to make things worse. And then he opened his mouth and proved me wrong.
“Well, we’ll miss you at RI if you have to leave,” he said. “Lashell will be heartbroken, and I won’t have anyone to put me in my place. It’ll be rough without you.”
A frown settled in my expression.
I didn’t want to be missed. If I had to go, I’d just rather be forgotten altogether. No one back home had much of a problem forgetting me, even my own mother; I hadn’t been gone two weeks before the phone calls ceased, the messages died down, and everyone stopped inquiring about my wellbeing altogether. It had broken my heart, but in a way, it was somewhat of a relief. I didn’t have to keep holding on to the life I wasn’t allowed to have.
If I had to leave Sugar Creek, it would make more sense to just let go and forget everything here, too.
“You don’t have to pretend you’ll miss me,” I said, throwing him a glance. “It’s not like I’ve been with the program for months or years or anything. It’s not even been a week.”
“But once you’re in, you’re family,” he said. “And we hate to see anyone go.”
“Well, it’s nice to know I’ll be missed,” I lied because I almost felt he wanted to hear it.
“If you go.”
“We’ll go,” I said definitely. “There’s no way he’s going to pass it up. It’s the role of a lifetime; it’s the call he’s been waiting on since we were kids. And I hate it; I do. Dad was getting comfortable here, Bailey had climbed her way to the top, and I was just finding things that I liked, things that mattered to me. You know that I got accepted to Desden University last week, and I couldn’t even celebrate it with anyone? Bailey wouldn’t care, and I could never tell my dad. He’d have a fit if he knew I’d applied to the English program.” Gabe’s brows pulled together, and I shook my head. I couldn’t believe that I just told him that. I hadn’t told anyone! My acceptance letter was still hidden at home under my mattress, unseen by anyone but me. Up until this moment, that letter was my best kept secret. And now Gabe knew.
“My life is here. I don’t want to give up DU, leave the Raddick Initiative, or lose any of my friends, but I don’t see how I’ll have much of a choice.”
I watched Gabe’s expression change, and I knew exactly where his thoughts had gone. He was remembering how he’d found me at lunch, sitting all alone with no friends in sight. I’d already admitted to him that I didn’t have any friends; I’d left them all and refused to make more. He would’ve been a fool to believe that I was telling him the truth just then. It wasn’t my friends I would miss if I had to leave. I couldn’t miss something I’d never had.
I would’ve missed him. And although I sensed he picked up on that subtle hint, he lightly smiled and played dumb.
“And Jones even mentioned there’s a special fella in your life,” Gabe said. “It won’t be easy breaking that off. Relationships are never easy to end.”
“On a positive note, though, it’s not a relationship. And it’s not even anything special,” I said, and his shoulders suddenly relaxed as if my admission had come as a relief. “Jones had no idea what he was saying back there.”
“So there’s no guy?”
“Oh no, there is a guy,” I said. “It’s just… he’s not my guy. It’s nothing, really. It’s just a stupid crush, that’s all.”
“Hmm.”
“What?”
“I don’t know.” He shook his head. “You say it’s just a stupid crush, but I’m not convinced you really think it is.” He studied the way my hands fidgeted at my chest. “You’re tense just talking about it.”
“I’m not tense.”
“No, I’ve watched you, Mandy,” he said. “You’re tense, and that’s unlike you. You’re never this stiff. There’s something—”
“It’s nothing, Gabe,” I said, giving him the same speech I’d given both Bailey and Jones. “Or at least nothing I can figure out, so there’s no point in even worrying about it.”
“I can try to help if it’s something you want to talk about?”
“What is it with you always trying to fix everything?” I asked, and he shrugged. “I don’t know, okay? I’ve found myself in pretty big mess lately. I’m not sure it’s the kind even you can clean up.”
“Try me.”
“Okay,” I said, finally dropping my hands. “But I’ve warned you: I’m a mess.” With a smile, he nodded, and I sensed that was his way of saying that he’d already figured out that much. If he meant anything else by that nod, I had no idea what it was. “I’m drawn to someone, even though I’ve done everything I can think to do to fight it. He’s someone whose past is still a mystery, and whose present is something that just baffles me. And, despite the fact that his whole being is just one giant question mark, I’m still convinced that he’s supposed to be in my life somehow.”
“That doesn’t sound so bad,” he said. “It’s human nature for us to feel those connections sometimes, even if it is with a complete stranger. We have a tendency to be drawn to comfort and familiarity, and sometimes we find those things in the people we least expect.”
“But I wasn’t looking for comfort and familiarity,” I said. “I wasn’t looking for anything.”
“It’s a common belief that a person finds what they’re looking for the moment they stop searching for it,” he said. “And I’ve come to believe that’s not something that’s limited to matters of the heart. Sometimes we even find the things we’re wanting long before we ever realize we want them.”
“I know exactly what you mean.”
“But when it’s a feeling that moves you, Mandy, sometimes you just have to trust your instincts and pursue whatever it is that your heart’s telling you to. That’s what I did with RI. I had a feeling, so I went for it. So now you have the opportunity. Ask the important questions, and turn all those mysteries and questions into something clearer, something you can understand. It doesn’t have to be ‘one giant question mark.’ Learn what you need to learn to satisfy your curiosity. Get the answers you want. Do something about it.”
“It’s good advice, don’t get me wrong,” I said, nodding a few times. “But
it doesn’t really apply to my situation.”
“And why not?”
“Because I’m leaving,” I said. “And even if I wasn’t going anywhere, even if we were staying right here in Sugar Creek, there are a million other reasons that it would never work with this guy.”
“Name one.”
“I’m not cut from the same cloth as other girls, Gabe,” I said, finally admitting out loud what I’d always known was true. “I’m not so naïve that I believe in fairytale endings just because they exist in fiction. I don’t care about that kind of stuff. I never have. Relationships, intimacy, happily ever afters… I don’t know that that stuff even matters. It’s all so complicated; relationships are messy and unnecessary. To be honest, I’ve spent my entire life a little skeptical of anyone who thinks that love is a prerequisite to happiness.”
“Okay, so then it’s easy,” he said. “If it’s not what you want, if a relationship is just too much for you, then drop it. Let it go. Stop thinking about it.”
“If only it were that easy,” I retorted. “As hard as I try, I can’t quit thinking about it.”
“Then maybe it is what you want, and you’re just too afraid to face it,” he said.
“But if I’ve never wanted it before, why in the world would I want it now?”
“Maybe this guy’s different.”
“He is different, I’m not disputing that. But that doesn’t matter.”
“Again, give me one good reason.”
“It doesn’t matter how much I like the guy, Gabe,” I said. “I don’t know that I even know him well enough to make a judgment one way or another.”
“Okay, so what do you know?”
“I only know how he makes me feel, and that’s not much to go on. I know that every time he looks at me, my heart does this little pitter-patter thing,” I said. “I know that the one time that he held me, it was the first and only time in my life that I’ve ever felt truly safe.” I kept walking, but I closed my eyes for a brief second and remembered how protected I felt when Gabe showed up at the house and held me, despite the fact that I treated him so poorly.
“I feel things,” I finally said, trying to bite back tears. “I’ve never felt anything remotely like it in my entire life. There’s something about the way he looks at me, something about his eyes that knock me off my feet. When I’m with him, my palms get sweaty; I stumble over my words. I do get tense. I make a complete idiot of myself in front of him, and then I’m always so rude and mean and distant when he’s around because I’m too afraid of what will happen if I’m nice. The things I feel with him contradict everything I’ve ever believed in. He represents the idea of breaking my number one rule, and that terrifies me, Gabe. I’m scared senseless.”
“What’s your number one rule?”
“To never fall in love,” I said, looking down to the ground. “And I never thought that would be a problem, but this guy… he’s really something.”
“Hmm,” was all he said before we rounded another corner, bringing us back full-circle right where we started at the Sugar High Bakery.
Gabe walked with me to my parked car just at the edge of the small parking lot, and we both stopped short of the door. It would’ve been a great opportunity for me to say something else, to ask him more about his life, his fears, and his future—to turn those questions into answers. But I knew that asking anything would only open another door. I knew he’d feel obligated to respond, and nothing he could say would make me like him less. In fact, it would only make it harder for me to move forward.
“You didn’t have to come all the way out here,” I said, choosing to keep our departure light and simple. I leaned back against my car door, and dropped my hands to my sides. “I almost wish you hadn’t. I told you I’d be okay.”
“And not so convincingly, either,” he said, dropping his head and deliberately holding my gaze a bit longer. He studied my expression for a moment before he leaned a little closer and whispered, “And I did have to drive out here; you yourself said that you’ve spent too long pushing people away, Mandy. I wasn’t going to walk out and not come back. I’m not so easy to push around.”
“But Gabe, you seriously didn’t—”
“You’re right,” he interrupted me. “I didn’t have to come out here to check on you, but I wanted to. Okay?”
I stood a little straighter, and the lump in my throat only grew thicker.
I watched Gabe for a few, long beats, and he stared at me as if he was waiting on me to say something. I felt that I knew exactly what it was that he wanted me to say. Did he want to hear that I was thankful that he’d been able to look past my lies and that I really had wanted him to come back? Did he want me to say that I’d been happy to see him standing in the bakery earlier, that he was, in fact, the him that made my heart pitter-patter at every vague glance?
What would he say if I told him that Jones was right, that Gabe was ‘the dude?’ He was the one I was so hung up on, the one who made me realize that maybe I really did want everything I’d always sworn I’d never want.
Would he want to hear the truth?
When another minute swept by us and neither of us said another word, Gabe reached forward, took my hands in his, and squeezed them gently.
“You’re too hard on yourself, Mandy.” He raised my hand to his lips and brushed a warm kiss across my knuckles. “You’re in your head. Quit over-thinking everything, and break a rule once in a while. You might get hurt, or you might find that you’ve been resisting some of the things you need to truly make yourself happy. Why would you ever want to resist happiness, Mandy? You deserve everything you want from life.”