“Thank you.”
My brother gives me a big hug. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Then it’s time to say good-bye to Mom. And that’s when I lose it. Tears streak down my face. It sucks that something so exciting is so sad. She embraces me and smooths my hair. She opens her mouth to speak, and I expect that she’ll say she loves me. That she’s proud of me. To go after my dreams. Or she’ll quote some “deep” line from that book everybody seemed to receive as a graduation gift, Oh the Places You’ll Go by Dr. Seuss.
But she doesn’t.
A smile appears on her face. “Have fun.”
•••
My quiet lasts approximately half an hour.
And then the Vanessa-Kelsey-Iggy hurricane makes landfall. Squealing ensues. Parents are everywhere. Vanessa’s ridiculously hot brother, Ty, moves all her stuff in. He’s a 6'4'' NFL quarterback. The result is that girls we’ve never met are lined up outside our room to sneak a peek. He doesn’t seem to notice.
“Where do you want your TV?” he asks Vanessa.
“Over there?”
After he’s deposited the TV on top of her dresser, he looks out the window. “You’ve got a nice view of the quad,” he says.
“Thanks for giving me the window, Annie,” Vanessa says, smiling. “You didn’t have to do that.”
“That’s really nice of you,” Ty says with a grin that probably makes girls throw their panties at him.
Colton arrives, because he can’t seem to keep away from Kelsey to save his life, and fan-boys over Ty, giving him a high five and singing his praises.
“Dude, that pass you made last year in your game against the Seahawks was insane.”
“Thanks, man,” Ty says.
“Colton, you’re just as bad as the girls swarming in the hall,” Kelsey says.
“What girls?” he asks seriously. He goes to the door and peeks out. “Oh. Girls. Hello.” He shuts the door and sits back down beside Kelsey on Vanessa’s bed.
Vanessa gives me a look and whispers, “He’s got it bad.”
Colton can’t sit still. “I can’t believe we’re actually here. I mean, we get to do whatever we want now.” My mom has never been overly protective of me because she always wanted me to understand the real world, but Colton’s dad is the mayor of Franklin. That means Colton has always been under close scrutiny.
“No curfew!” Kelsey squeals.
Colton stifles a yawn with a fist.
“Not that you’d be able to stay up past ten p.m.,” Kelsey says.
“I could!” he replies, and much eye rolling ensues.
“Your curfew is still midnight,” Ty says to Vanessa, who sarcastically blows a kiss back at her brother.
Iggy flits into our room, sticking a hand out to Ty. “Are you our RA?”
“What?” Ty says, narrowing his eyes.
“Our resident assistant. You look like an authority figure.”
Vanessa mouths, “Authority figure.”
“Are you kidding me?” Colton asks. “You don’t know Ty Green?”
Vanessa collapses into a fit of giggles and Ty checks his phone, not amused. “C’mon, Vanessa, I told Papa we’d have dinner with him.”
Kelsey and Colton leave next. He says he needs Kelsey’s help getting his room set up.
Iggy decides to go join the Baha’i Faith Club, whatever that means.
And I’m alone.
It’s only 7:00 p.m. I do need to get to sleep early tonight considering I have a sixteen-mile run tomorrow. Only two months until the marathon. But 7:00 p.m. is way too early to pack it in. Laughter and music fill the hallways. I suddenly feel panicky, like I don’t know who I am or what I’m supposed to do. Can you lose your identity in a place that you don’t understand?
Do I even have an identity?
Would Kyle have helped me move in today? Would we have gone to dinner in Murfreesboro or explored campus together? Or would he have had to work at the fire station? If I had said yes to his proposal, I might not even be here. We probably would’ve gotten a place to live together by now.
If I’d never met Kyle, would I be out with Kelsey right now…?
Through watery eyes, I look around my new, empty room. I definitely need posters asap.
I swipe my phone and look at the screen. No texts. No emails.
I start typing: Got 16-miler tomorrow. Wanna carbo-load with me?
•••
Sixteen miles.
If I finish, this will be the farthest I’ve ever run. I’m wearing the new knee brace Dr. Sanders prescribed—a thin band stretches around my knee that helps keep it in place, but now I have to think about foot placement all the time. I can’t let myself fall. I can’t step the wrong way. I can’t slip on a rock or it’s all over.
We’re running the full length of the Stones River Greenway twice today. I’m aiming to finish in three hours, which is a hell of a long time to stare at the same scenery. Who ever knew blue skies could get old? At least the Greenway has a few beautiful waterfalls and wooden bridges to keep me entertained.
“So what’d you do last night?” Liza asks, swinging her arms back and forth.
“Ate some spaghetti with Jeremiah Brown. You know, Matt’s brother? You’ve probably seen him on the trails pacing other runners.”
“Oh, he’s cute, Annie. Are you guys dating?”
“No. We’re just friends.”
She pulls her sunglasses down and glares at me. “Seriously? Just friends with a boy who looks like that? Have you seen him?”
Yes. Yes I have.
Since nearly everybody in Franklin knows what happened to Kyle, and Coach Woods told Matt what happened and he told his brother, it’s weird I have to explain this. This is the first time I’ve had to, actually. “Look, I’m still getting over somebody.”
“Bad breakup?”
I sip some water from my CamelBak and stare straight ahead. Point my toes. Swing my arms. Thirteen miles to go. A half marathon. Breathe, Annie, breathe. I sniffle.
“Sorry, I didn’t meant to pry,” Liza says softly.
One foot after the other. “It wasn’t a breakup…he…he passed away. I’m running the marathon for him.”
A long silence unfolds between us. And even though I don’t believe in the afterlife, I pretend that Kyle is up there with the sun, telling it not to overheat me on the day I’m running a sixteen-miler. Giving me the strength to push through the next thirteen miles.
Liza props her sunglasses on top of her head so we can see each other. “I take it you don’t want to talk about it?”
No, I don’t talk about him.
“There’s nothing left to say.”
We run for a half mile in silence. For six whole minutes. I start to feel panicky that I’m going to lose my running partner. Why would a glamorous, successful woman like Liza want to hang around an eighteen-year-old with loads of baggage? I’m sure she has more important things to think about, like her sexual harassment case and being a powerful woman and saying the word penis way too often for her liking.
“I didn’t tell you the whole truth about why I moved here,” she says finally. “My firm did want me to try this harassment case, but the real reason I decided to start over is because my boyfriend dumped me.”
“What?” I exclaim. Liza is beautiful, nice, and funny as hell. If a guy dumps her, what hope is there for the rest of womankind?
“He was an ass. Well, not when we were together, but after. He said I was too focused on my work. He didn’t understand why I worked such long hours.”
“You wanted to be successful.”
“Yeah…I wanted a partnership at my firm, but what does that really mean?”
Talking about such adultish things makes me a little uncomfortable, because what if I don’t under
stand something or I say something stupid? But I’m glad Liza feels I’m mature enough to confide in. “Um, I don’t know much about being a lawyer, but isn’t that, like, the top? Isn’t a partnership the thing to achieve?”
“You’re right, it is. But what about everything else?”
“Like what?”
“Like being happy. Like lying in bed on a Sunday morning with somebody you love? Or going to the beach? Or starting a family?”
Kyle always liked the little things in life: going to his dad’s cabin at Normandy, running the mile for the Hundred Oaks track team, playing Legos with his little brother, watching TV with me. He wanted to become a firefighter, to help people, plain and simple.
Liza keeps talking, “I worked all day every day, even weekends. I had no time for my boyfriend. No time for my family. I wasn’t healthy. I hadn’t been to the doctor in years and I was living off coffee and takeout. And yeah, I made partner, but when I got there, I realized I had nothing else except for money and a fancy title. And it didn’t make me happy. Everything is about balance…it took me so long to figure that out.”
For my entire life, my mom has been pushing me to go to college, to make a name for myself. And I am going to do that. But what if, when Kyle proposed, I had truly been in the moment? Truly thinking about what he was asking and what it meant for us, for me and the boy I loved so much—what would that have meant for me? All decisions are different in hindsight. Maybe all we can do is make the best decisions we can in the moment, using the best information we have right then. But still.
What if Kyle hadn’t broken up with me? What if he’d let my rejection stew for a day and then moved on? What if he’d apologized a couple days later? A week. What if he’d apologized the morning after the night he died?
Is life one big long what if?
I’ve been blaming myself entirely for his death for months…but Liza is right: everything is about balance. It wasn’t just me that could’ve done something differently. Kyle could have too.
But that doesn’t mean I’ve gotten over him…I don’t think I ever will. I loved him too much.
I need to change the subject before I start crying. “So what’s up with Andrew?” I ask.
She glances over at me. “He asked me out after our fourteen-miler last week.”
“And?”
“I said I’d think about it.”
“Oh.”
“Right now is Liza time. I’m running this marathon because I want to get in shape and do something I’ve always wanted to do. It’s not a reason to meet guys. Taking time for yourself is always okay.”
I grin. “That’s really cool.”
This past year has been Annie time. I felt guilty about that sometimes when my mom, or my brother and his friends, would invite me out and I didn’t feel like leaving the couch, but I don’t feel bad anymore after hearing what Liza said. Sometimes you just have to do what’s best for you. For me that’s going to the drive-in, our spot, and popping popcorn in my mouth, watching nineties movies. But I do like the idea of trying to find a new balance—one with college, family, a job, and friends. Something more than what I had in high school.
“Maybe I’ll say yes after the marathon is over if either of us is still interested,” Liza says.
“So you are interested!”
“Have you seen Andrew’s shoulders and chest? Damn. And he’s a cop.”
I laugh.
“I can’t say I haven’t sneaked a peek at Matt’s little brother,” she says. “He has nice shoulders too.”
Yes, I know. I’ve seen them. Touched them. Squeezed them.
“I feel like a cradle robber saying that,” Liza adds, laughing.
“Nah. But you do seem a bit obsessed with shoulders.” That reminds me. “Oh my God, yesterday when I moved into the dorms, a guy was walking around in only a towel. He had nice shoulders.”
“God, I miss college.”
The sixteen miles are long and hard. When I first started running, I would get a great lead and then a metaphorical piano would fall on me, but I’ve learned to pace myself. I’m learning my limits.
Sometimes I have to slow down so Liza can catch her breath, and sometimes she does the same for me when the lactic acid buildup makes my legs burn. She needs to walk for five minutes between miles twelve and thirteen. My stomach feels better since I gave up the ibuprofen, but I still need to use the porta-potty twice. Liza waits for me outside each time—I think she appreciates the break from running. We stick together, and it makes me feel a little better knowing that, even at thirty-two, Liza hasn’t figured her life out yet.
Maybe you don’t have to figure life out at all.
Maybe it just is.
Marathon Training Schedule~Brown’s Race Co.
Name Annie Winters
Saturday
Distance
Notes
April 20
3 miles
I’m really doing this! Finish time 34:00
April 27
5 miles
Stupid Running Backwords Boy!!
May 4
6 miles
Blister from HELL
May 11
5 miles
Ran downtown Nashville
May 18
7 miles
Tripped on rock. Fell on my butt
May 25
8 miles
Came in 5 min. quicker than usual!
June 1
10 miles
Let’s just pretend this day never happened…
June 8
9 miles
Evil suicide sprint things. Ran w/ Liza. Got sick.
June 15
7 miles
Skipped Saturday’s run…had to make it up Sunday.
June 22
8 miles
Stomach hurt again. Matt said eat granola instead of oatmeal.
June 29
9 miles
Matt says it’s time for new tennis shoes.
July 6
10 miles
Jere got hurt.
July 13
12 miles
Finished in 2:14! Only had to use bathroom once
July 20
13 miles
Halfway there!
July 27
15 miles
Humidity just about finished me off. Time 3:06.
August 3
14 miles
Hurt knee. Overdosed on Pepto.
August 10
11 miles
Wore new knee brace—it messes with my gait.
August 17
16 miles
Didn’t get enough sleep in dorms.
August 24
20 miles
August 31
14 miles
/> September 7
22 miles
September 14
20 miles
September 21
The Bluegrass Half Marathon
September 28
12 miles
October 5
10 miles
October 12
Country Music Marathon in Nashville
IGGY STRIKES AGAIN
You have got to be kidding me.
It’s noon when I get back from my sixteen-mile run, and Vanessa is still sleeping away.
I dope up on Pepto, wishing I could take ibuprofen, and collapse onto my bed with an ice pack on my throbbing knee. I close my eyes, planning to relax for a few minutes before grabbing a shower. I smell like a locker room.
Two hours later, I wake up in a puddle of water. My shorts are soaked and my skin itches. I fell asleep with the ice pack on.
“Oh good, you’re awake!” Vanessa says, pulling her headphones off. “We didn’t want to check out campus without you.” I shoot her a death stare but she’s having none of it. She shoos me. “Shower. Now. Go!”
I’m groggy as hell as I climb into the shower and lean my head against the tile. Today’s run just about killed me. This feels worse than any hangover I’ve ever had.
When I’m shampooing my hair, I accidentally slip on the suds but catch myself using the bar before I crash to the floor. Please don’t let me pass out in the shower. I can barely move. Spots flash across my vision. Is this what every Saturday is going to be like until the marathon is over?
After somehow slipping my noodle-like arms and legs into clean clothes, Kelsey, Vanessa, Colton, and I decide to check out the Welcome Barbecue on the quad. Loud music blares and kids are doing everything from playing catch to lounging on picnic blankets. An ambitious guy is already campaigning for the Student Confederation President election in October. Girls are sunbathing in bikini tops, wearing headphones. The whole scene makes me happy—I’ve never seen so many people in my life, and hanging out with the girls makes me feel a zing inside.