I need Mark.
I need Mark!
I am about to stand up and make a big scene when his voice fills my head. Just breathe, M. Just breathe with me. I take a deep breath and close my eyes and focus on his voice, wishing with all my heart he were really beside me, talking me through this.
Just breathe, M.
Chapter One
Ten years later
~Mark~
“Hey, man. Come on in.” My brother, Luke, steps back as I walk through his door and see my beautiful sister-in-law, Natalie, snap her new son, Keaton’s pants shut and lift him into her arms.
“Unca Mawk!” Olivia, Keaton’s older sister exclaims and toddles toward me with her arms up and a wide smile on her perfect little face.
“Hi, troublemaker,” I say and lift her high into the air, then snuggle her in my arms.
“My baby,” she says and points to her brother.
“She’s claimed him,” I say with a laugh and lean in to kiss Nat’s cheek.
“Indeed,” she replies dryly. “Keaton is hers, along with all of his toys and clothes.”
“It’s okay, you can have anything you want,” I tell her and blow raspberries in her neck, making her giggle.
“I’m just about ready,” Luke says and pats his pants and suit pockets, looking about the room with a frown. “Where’s my wallet, baby?”
“On the kitchen counter.” She points it out to him and then laughs. “He’s more forgetful since Keaton has arrived than I am.”
Natalie is a gorgeous woman, with long dark hair and wide green eyes and curves that go on for days. My brother is a lucky, lucky man, and I make sure to do my part and flirt with her as much as possible, just to make him crazy.
“Run away with me,” I say and wrap my arm around her shoulders, pulling her close to my side. “He’s ugly and he stinks most of the time.”
“Get your hands off my wife, dude.” Luke scowls at me and shakes his head.
“She loves me. Don’t you, darlin’?”
“I do.” She pats my chest and I smile proudly. “But I love my husband more.”
“Killjoy,” I whisper loudly and sigh in mock despair. “What will I do now?”
“I’m sure you’ve got a few dozen women lined up who’d love the same invitation.”
I smirk and nod, but the truth is, I don’t have as many women on the line as they’d all like to think.
And I’m about to come face to face with the one woman who can bring me to my knees for the first time in ten years.
“I’m so sorry to hear about Adelaide Summers, Mark.” Nat kisses my cheek and rubs my arm soothingly. “She was a good woman.”
“She was.” I nod as the pain pierces my heart all over again. Meredith’s mom lost her fight with breast cancer just a week ago, and I’m going to her funeral today. “She sure was good to me.”
“I would go with you guys, but I’m on baby duty today.”
I grin down at her and kiss Livie’s cheek again. “It’s fine. Luke, you don’t have to go either. It’s no big deal.”
“Yeah, it is,” he says and frowns at me. He can read me too well. “I want to come. I liked Addie.”
I nod, secretly relieved that I won’t be going alone and set Olivia on her feet as Luke leads me to the front door. Halfway there he quickly turns back and pulls his wife in for a long, deep kiss.
Dear Jesus, you’d think they were still dating.
“You’re going to see her in a couple hours, Romeo.”
“Bite me,” he says with a grin. “You’re just jealous.”
“I’m nauseated,” I reply and lead him to my Jeep.
“How are you really?” Luke asks quietly as I pull out of the driveway of his new home toward Bellevue, where the funeral will be held.
“I don’t know, man. I knew she was sick, so it’s not exactly out of the blue.”
“I mean about Meredith, Mark. Jesus, you’re stubborn.”
I shrug my shoulder and rub my hand over my face. I’ve had ten years to get used to the idea of seeing her again, and now I’m nervous as hell.
“She’s probably married,” I reply.
“We both know that isn’t true,” he says calmly.
“Look, it’s been a long time. I’m just going to pay my respects to a woman who I loved. Seeing Mer is part of that.” I swallow hard and Luke catches it.
“But?” he asks.
“But it feels like I’m finally saying goodbye to Mer for good too. Like it’s closure on the whole fucking thing.”
Luke sighs and slips his sunglasses on. “I’m sorry, man.”
I shrug one shoulder and concentrate on the freeway. “It is what it is.”
The funeral home isn’t far from our childhood home. There are several cars parked in the parking lot and some people standing outside, talking. Others are coming in and out of the wide red doors of the funeral home.
“Here goes nothing,” I whisper. Jesus, I haven’t been this nervous in years. Luke and I both slam our doors and walk toward the entrance. Luke looks like the millionaire celebrity in a custom designer suit. I’m also in a dark suit with a purple tie. Purple was Addie’s favorite color.
We walk through the front door and nod hello to a few people we know. Mom and Dad are quietly talking with another couple they know and wave at us when they see us then turn back to their conversation.
As we’re walking into the chapel area, I hear her voice.
Her voice.
I stop in my tracks and stare at her, standing up near the closed casket that’s covered in all of Addie’s favorite flowers, talking with the pastor. She’s dabbing at her eyes with a tissue and nodding. She hasn’t seen me yet, so I take a moment and drink in the sight of her.
She’s no longer the young woman I once knew so intimately. I knew every inch of her. I knew what turned her on and what made her squirm. What made her smile. What made her sigh in pleasure.
But better than that, I knew what made her laugh. What made her sad. How to cheer her up and even what she was going to say before she said it.
I knew everything.
She was my world, and even though I know I was too young, nothing will ever erase the way it felt to stand on her front porch and have her tell me she didn’t want me any more. I’ve fought with that particular demon for years.
She turns and sees me, her bright blue gaze locks on mine, and she’s suddenly coming toward me, walking quickly on those tall black heels. Her face crumples and to my utter shock, she launches herself into my arms and holds on with all her strength.
“I can’t believe she’s gone, M,” she whispers and buries her face in my neck, the way she always used to, as if no time has passed at all and my heart feels like someone is stabbing it over and over with an ice pick.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper back and wrap my arms around her, holding her against me. “I’m so sorry about Addie, M.”
“At least I got to spend Christmas with her,” she says and sniffles. “She wanted to make it through Christmas and she did.”
I nod and give in to the moment and kiss her head. Fuck me, she smells the same.
How is that possible?
“I don’t know what else to say, sweetheart,” I murmur and rub her back softly. She’s still so slender. So small. Her hips and breasts seem to have filled out more with womanhood, but she feels just like she always did in my arms.
Like she was born to be here.
Stop it, asshole!
She seems to come to her senses and pulls herself out of my embrace, wiping her eyes. She smiles at Luke.
“Hi, Luke.”
“Nice to see you, Meredith.” He kisses her cheek and leans in to whisper in her ear. She smiles softly and nods up at him when he pulls away.
A man I don’t recognize sidles up next to Mer and wraps his arm around her. “Are you okay, cupcake?”
Cupcake?
Luke and I glance at each other quickly, but a whole chapter of dialogue just pas
sed between us.
Cupcake? Who the fuck calls his girl cupcake? How can she stand that?
And who the fuck is this asshole?
Meredith smiles at him and gestures to us.
“I’m fine, Jax. This is Mark and Luke Williams. They’re both old friends of mine.”
Right. Old friends. I spent the better part of a year inside you, sweetheart.
“This is Jax,” she continues.
Luke and I both nod and suddenly, music starts and the service is about to begin.
We find seats in the middle near our parents while Mer and Jax walk to the front of the room. I watch her walk away, my eyes glaring holes through the arm still wrapped around her shoulders.
She lets him call her cupcake?
“So, she has someone,” I whisper to Luke.
“He might just be a friend.”
I smirk and shake my head. What was I expecting anyway? Some kind of fucking reunion? If that’s what I expected to happen, I would have rushed to her side the minute I found out she was back in Seattle early last year.
Not gonna happen.
The service begins with music and then the pastor talks about Addie and her contributions to the community, her family, and prayers. After a few more words, he asks for volunteers to share stories about Addie. There are photos set up next to the casket. Photos of Addie and Meredith, and family photos from when Meredith was very young.
Meredith stands and walks to the podium, white tissues clutched in her small hand. I wish I were up there with her, to hold her hand while she struggles through this.
“Hi, everyone,” she begins and clears her throat. “Thank you all so much for coming today. Mom would be proud and happy that you all thought so highly of her. She sure loved all of you.”
I clench my hands in my lap and watch, my eyes trained on her face.
I’m so sorry, M.
“You all know that Mom and I lost Dad and Tiffany fifteen years ago,” she begins, referring to the car accident that took her father and sister from them when she was only thirteen. “I guess I just keep reminding myself that Mom’s with them now, and they’re so happy to see each other.”
She has to pause and take a deep breath, and as she does so, her eyes find mine in the crowd. She seems to straighten her shoulders and continue.
“My mom taught me to be a fighter. She always said, ‘No one is going to chase your dreams for you, my love.’ And she was right. She showed me what it is to be a good woman, and to fight for what you believe is the right thing.”
She nods slowly, still watching me. “I will miss her. Every day. But I’m so happy that she’s not sick anymore. She was always so strong, such a strong, strong woman, that being sick this past year just pissed her off.”
We all chuckle and nod, knowing she’s right.
“So, although it’s so hard to say goodbye, I know in my heart that she’s so much happier now. I love you, Mama.”
She returns to her seat and several other friends stand to tell stories of Addie. Some are funny, others just nice.
Finally, I stand, button my jacket, and walk to the podium. When I glance down at Mer in the front row, the fucker Jax has his arm around her shoulders again, rubbing her arm soothingly.
I’ve never wanted to punch someone so badly in my whole life.
“I’m Mark Williams,” I begin and smile wide, looking over at Addie’s coffin. “I couldn’t be here today and not share a story about my Addie.”
Jesus, which story do I tell?
“I’ve known this amazing woman since I was a young man. She used to scare the hell out of me, mostly because I was dating her daughter.”
Everyone chuckles with me, setting me more at ease. “But I quickly learned that Addie was a no-nonsense woman who never met a stranger. She was generous and loyal. And although my relationship with her family changed with time,” I glance down to see fresh tears rolling down Mer’s face and it makes me pause. I clear my throat and continue, “Addie never treated me any differently. I visited with her many times over the years. Cut her grass, or helped her out around the house. And every time I showed up at her house it was as if she hadn’t seen me in years, and she always had a warm hug and a cold glass of lemonade waiting for me.”
I bite my lip and glance to the back of the room, lost in my own thoughts of this special woman.
“Thanks, Addie, for making me feel like your family. You were one awesome lady.”
I smile and return to my seat. Several more people stand to talk and soon another song is played as the pastor gives the benediction.
“Do you boys want to go with us to the reception?” Mom asks and takes my hand in hers when we stand.
“I don’t think so,” I reply. I can’t bear the thought of watching Meredith with that man for the next few hours.
No way.
“I need to get back to Nat and the kids,” Luke says and kisses our Mom’s cheek.
“What you said was really nice, son,” Dad says and claps his hand on my shoulder. “Addie would have liked that.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
I glance around the room one last time and see Mer wiping her eyes and hugging one of her former neighbors.
“Let’s go, man,” I murmur to Luke.
“You don’t want to say goodbye?”
I shake my head and glance over at the most beautiful woman in the room. “I already have.”
We say our goodbyes to our parents and make a hasty exit back to my Jeep.
“Well, that went better than I expected,” Luke comments and sighs.
“It was a funeral, dude. What did you expect to happen?”
“Don’t be an ass. Mer looks great. And she hugged you. That surprised me.”
“She’s grieving.” I shrug like it’s no big deal, but my stomach is still in knots. “I’m familiar. Had I seen her on the street two months ago, it wouldn’t have gone like that.”
“If you say so.”
“What are you trying to do? Set me up with her? She has a man. Cupcake man.”
“Who the fuck calls his woman ‘cupcake’?” Luke asks with a laugh.
“My thoughts exactly. And how in the hell can she stand that?”
“It’s pretty cheesy,” he agrees with a nod. “You okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“Come inside,” Luke says when we pull up to his house. “Looks like Jules and Nate are here.”
“I haven’t seen the baby since she was born.” We climb out of the Jeep and when we step inside, we hear Jules and Nat laughing. Nate is lying on the floor on his belly and Livie is climbing all over him.
“We buy her a state-of-the-art jungle gym out back, and all she wants to climb on is Nate,” Luke mutters in disgust.
“I like climbing on Nate myself,” Jules replies and wiggles her brows. “Hey, handsome.” She stands and wraps her arms around me. “I’m sorry for your loss.”
“Thank you, beautiful.” I hug her hard and kiss her forehead before she pulls away then I make a beeline for the gorgeous baby girl in Nat’s arms. “My turn.”
“Who knew you’d be such a sucker for the babies?” Nate says and pushes himself up off the floor.
“I’m a sucker for the ladies,” I reply and grin down at a newborn Stella Montgomery McKenna. “Hello, gorgeous girl.”
“It’s kind of hot to see you with a baby,” Nat says thoughtfully.
“I’m glad you approve. It’s good to know the woman I’m going to steal from my brother thinks I’m hot.”
“Not gonna happen,” Luke replies as he passes a sleeping Keaton to Nat then scoops her into his arms, then sits with her in his lap. “Get your own girl.”
“I found one,” I reply and grin down at Stella who is watching me with big, sober blue eyes. “God, Jules, she’s awesome.”
“I know.” She sighs and leans on Nate’s arm, watching us. Livie toddles between Nate’s knees, begging to be held. Nat is holding Keaton.
“It looks like a da
ycare in here.”
Natalie laughs and kisses her son’s blond head. Where Livie was born with dark hair, her younger brother has light hair like Luke.
“Brynna’s due anytime, right?” Nate asks Jules, referring to her sister-in-law.
“Yep, just a few more weeks.”
“You’re all a bunch of baby making machines. But thanks for taking the pressure off me with Mom and Dad.” I wink at Luke who laughs and gently rubs his fingertips on Keaton’s head.
“You’re welcome. Anytime.”
Stella’s tiny pink lips pucker, and suddenly she lets out a loud wail.
“Oh, okay, this is my cue to leave.” I gently pass the crying baby to her mama and back away with my hands raised in surrender. “I don’t do crying women.”
“Pussy,” Luke taunts me.
“Call me all the names you want. I don’t like to make a girl cry.” I kiss each of the girls on the cheek and back away toward the front door. “Have a good afternoon, guys.”
“Bye!” They all wave and I return to my Jeep and toward the house I recently bought in north Seattle. It’s a fixer-upper, but I got it for a steal, and since I work construction for a living, I figure I can fix it up for a song and flip it for a tidy profit.
Win-win.
I wonder what Mer’s gonna do with her mom’s place? Will she keep it? Live in it? With Jax?
Why does the thought of that make me violent?
Because I still think of her as mine. After all this time, when I think of Meredith, she’s my Meredith. Irrational? Yes.
Stupid? Most definitely.
But I don’t give a fuck.
I take a deep breath and scrub my hand over my face and suddenly feel… heavy. As of right now it feels final. Over. Maybe I held out hope for all of those years that she’d come to her senses and come running back to me. Fuck, I don’t know what I thought. But seeing her today, hugging her so tightly and hearing her voice in my ear call me M, then seeing the other man claim her, finally hammered it home.
She’s not mine. She hasn’t been mine in a very, very long time.
It’s time to move the fuck on.
Chapter Two