* * *
That evening, Toby called me four times. I wouldn’t take any of his calls. I still didn’t know what I wanted to do. Before, I hadn’t thought of my anger in terms of ending our relationship. I’d just known that I was angry and hurt and that I didn’t want to talk to Toby. But after Jason had asked me if I wanted to break up with Toby, I realized I wasn’t sure. Was there something really, really wrong with my relationship? Maybe I only dated him because it was comfortable. We’d been dating since we were fourteen. The thought of not having Toby in my life seemed foreign and strange. But I couldn’t just keep dating him because I was used to it.
Could I?
The fifth time he called, I was in my bedroom working on my history homework. My mother knocked on my door, phone in hand. “It’s Toby again,” she said to me.
“I told you. I don’t want to talk to him,” I said.
My mother put the phone to her ear. “Let me talk to her, Toby.”
Oh, great. Not another heart to heart with mom. I loved my mom, but she had this annoying habit of making me examine all my actions and realize how silly I was being. I didn’t want that. I wanted to wallow in my anger.
My mom came into my room and sat down on my bed. She set the phone down next to her.
Sighing, I closed my history book. “Mom, I don’t want to talk to him.”
“Sweetie, I think he’s sorry,” she said. “He sounds pitiful on the phone. He misses you.”
“Well, good,” I said. “I hope he does. And he can go right on missing me.”
“Is that what you want?” my mom asked. “He’s not going to miss you forever, you know.”
“Geez, I didn’t break up with him or anything. We’re just having a fight.” Why was everyone making this into such a big deal? And why was everyone, even Lilith, on Toby’s side? He’d made fun of me!
“So you don’t want to break up with him?”
“I don’t know!”
My mom took my hand. “Zaza, have I ever told you about the time I almost broke up with your father?”
“No,” I said.
“It was when we were dating in college,” she said. “We got in a big fight one night about something silly. Funny, I can’t even remember what it was anymore. But I was so angry with him. I didn’t talk to him for weeks.”
“What happened?”
“He started seeing someone else.”
“Really?”
My mother nodded. “I was devastated. I saw them together at a restaurant one night, and I realized that no matter how angry I was with your father, I couldn’t bear the thought of not being with him. So, I called him and told him that.”
“And he dumped the other girl?”
Mom laughed. “Actually, it turned out that he wasn’t even dating her. She was just a friend. I’d leapt to conclusions.”
I laughed too.
“But the important thing, sweetie, was that I realized I didn’t want to lose your dad. I couldn’t face life without him.”
“Right,” I said. My mom wanted me to think about life without Toby. But I’d been doing that. Still. I wondered how I’d feel if I saw Toby with another girl. I didn’t think I’d like that very much at all. Toby was mine. Even if sometimes he was a big jerk, he was my jerk. “Give me the phone.”
My mom smiled and handed it to me.
I dialed Toby’s number.
“Azazel?” he said, sounding very happy to hear from me.
“Hey,” I said.
“Can we talk?”
“Yeah.”
“Face to face,” he said. “I’ll pick you up?”
“Okay,” I said.
Toby showed up in ten minutes. I climbed into his truck. It felt natural. It was the way things were supposed to be. We went back to his house. Neither of his parents was home, so we had the place to ourselves. Still, we went to hang out in Toby’s room, like usual. Some habits were hard to break.
I perched on Toby’s bed. He sat in his desk chair.
“I’m so, so sorry,” he said.
“Look, Toby—” I started. I was going to tell him about what my mother had said to me and about my epiphany about us.
But he interrupted me. “No, let me say this.” He took a deep breath. “I was an ass. I was jealous.”
“Jealous?” I said. What could he have been jealous of?
“Yeah. I mean, Jason shows up, and suddenly, he’s all you talk about. And he’s always around. And you’re always with him. I couldn’t handle it.”
“You were jealous of Jason?” I asked. How could he think that? I mean, sure I thought Jason was interesting. But I didn’t think of him like that. The idea was so ridiculous that I started laughing.
Toby looked worried. “Why are you laughing?”
I tried to stop. “Jason?” I said between giggles. “Really? Jason?”
“So that’s funny?” Toby looked confused.
My laughter started to subside. “Yes, it’s funny. I don’t have any feelings for Jason!”
“You sat beside him in every class today.”
“Because he’s new, and he doesn’t know what’s going on!”
“So, you’re not going to start dating him or something?”
“Don’t be silly,” I said. “I love you, Toby. We’ve been through so much together. I could never just leave you like that. Besides, Jason is weird. He’s strange and mysterious and nobody knows anything about him. And he’s really strong, and he beats people up, and he never talks, and he doesn’t know what he wants to watch on television.”
“And those are bad things?”
“Not bad, exactly, just weird,” I said. It was true. I found Jason intriguing, but that was as far as it went. Toby was my boyfriend.
Toby looked relieved. “Okay,” he said. “Good.”
“Good,” I said.
“So, we’re cool, then?” he asked.
I nodded. “We’re cool.”
He grinned. He got up from his desk chair and came over to the bed to sit next to me. I burrowed into his chest, and he put his arm around me.
“I thought I was losing you,” he said.
“You can’t get rid of me that easily,” I said.
And he kissed me.
Toby was a very good kisser. And I loved how kissing him felt so familiar and safe. This was the boy I’d been kissing for years and years. Kissing Toby was like coming home. It felt like wrapping up in a worn, warm blanket. One that I’d had since I was a kid.
He pulled me close, and I lost myself in his strong arms.
We lay back on Toby’s bed, wriggling around so that we could rest our heads on the pillows. Our lips met again and again. Our tongues darted in and out of each other’s mouths. And we held onto each other so tightly. During times like this, I sometimes felt like Toby and I were becoming part of each other. Like we were one entity, and we were melding into each other. It was such a lovely feeling. It was what I imagined sex with Toby would be like. The two of us joined together, completing each other.
Toby’s hands started to shift on my body. He traced the curve of my spine, my waist. I moved my hands too, caressing his arms, his chest. Toby rolled over, and suddenly, he was on top of me. His hips pinned mine to the bed. He kissed me. I wrapped my legs around his. He propped himself up so that he could look at me. I gazed into his blue, blue eyes. He was so beautiful. I reached up to touch his chin, his jaw. He stroked my cheek, my neck. His fingers went lower, tracing the outline of my clavicle. They eased inside the collar of my shirt. My breath caught in my throat. His hands barely skimmed the surface of my skin. I had goose bumps. And he was inches, inches from my breast, which no one had ever touched before. I held my breath as his hand got closer and closer, inching over my skin—
And then he sat up.
He wasn’t touching me at all. He buried his face in his hands.
“Toby?” I asked in a small voice. What had just happened?
“We can’t,” he said, and his
voice sounded agonized.
“We can,” I said.
“No,” he said. “No, no. We’re not allowed.”
Not allowed? Someone else had said something like that. Who was it?
“It’s okay,” I said, sitting up and touching his shoulder. “We’re not in the truck. It’s nice here. That was... that was special.” And it had been. It had been like something out of a romantic movie. And now it was all ruined.
Toby appeared to get hold of himself. He looked up at me, dropping his hands. “I mean, I can’t. Not now. This isn’t how I want it.”
God! Wasn’t anything good enough for Toby? “How do you want it?” I asked.
He sighed. “I’m sorry, Azazel. But it’s got to be perfect.”
I didn’t buy it. He’d leaped off of me. Like he’d realized what he was doing, and he found me disgusting. I wasn’t sure that Toby was even attracted to me. It had seemed like he was, but then... And on top of all of it, now I felt a strange sort of warmth between my legs. It demanded some sort of satisfaction, which it wasn’t going to get, and I felt a brand of frustration I’d never felt in my life. I folded my arms over my chest, wanting to cry.
“Let’s go somewhere,” said Toby.
I looked up at him. “Okay,” I said. But I didn’t feel very excited about it.