* * *
Toby and I were sitting on one of the picnic tables outside McDonald’s with several of our friends. It was dark outside. The wind was a little chilly, and I huddled in my sweatshirt as I sipped flat beer out of a travel mug. It was Wednesday night, and it was late, but I was taking advantage of my lack of curfew.
Sherry Astor stood up. She shivered. “I’m cold.”
“Me too,” I murmured.
“Let’s walk,” she said.
I got up and so did Eve Newcomb. We walked behind the McDonalds, away from the tables. There was an empty parking lot behind us, and we walked in circles, hunching our shoulders to try to stay warm.
“God,” said Eve, “I’m so sick of hanging out outside McDonald’s.”
“Me too,” said Sherry. “This town is so boring. I wish there was something to do.”
I nodded my agreement. Having no curfew wasn’t as exciting as it was cracked up to be. Bramford was not the most happening place on earth. I couldn’t wait until I’d graduated, and Toby and I were in college at WVU. There’d be all kinds of things to do then.
“Darius asked me if I wanted to hang out at his place,” said Eve. Darius was Eve’s boyfriend.
“But you picked here?” I asked.
Eve sighed. “Whenever we go to Darius’ place, all he wants to do is have sex.”
Sherry groaned in sympathy. “I know what you mean. It’s all Tom wants to do too.”
I didn’t say anything. I had nothing to say. I couldn’t relate.
“God,” said Eve, “it’s like there’s all this pressure, and they want you to let them do it forever, and finally you just can’t handle it anymore, so you give in, thinking that will be the end of it. But it never ends. It’s like all that’s on their minds.”
“Well,” said Sherry, “I wouldn’t mind if we could do it at Tom’s house. You’re lucky that Darius’ mom is never home. Tom always wants to get it on in the back seat of his car, in like broad daylight. Which is just... weird.”
“Yeah,” agreed Eve. “That is weird.”
“So, what’s the big deal?” asked Sherry. “How come you’re not at Darius’ place, getting busy? Does Darius just suck in bed or something?”
Eve considered. “No... yes. I don’t know. I’ve never had sex with anyone besides Darius. How would I know if he sucks?”
“Well,” said Sherry as if it were obvious, “do you like it?”
“Sex?”
“Yeah,” said Sherry.
“Sure,” said Eve. “I mean, I guess so.”
“You guess so?” said Sherry. “He’s definitely bad in bed. Don’t you think so, Azazel?”
I shrugged. “I guess I wouldn’t know,” I said.
They both stopped short and looked at me.
“You mean you and Toby aren’t doing it?” Sherry asked me.
I sighed. “No.”
“You’re a virgin?!” said Eve, her mouth open.
“Oh my God,” said Sherry. “How come you’re not doing it?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “Toby doesn’t want to.”
“Oh whatever,” said Eve. “All guys want to.”
“Toby doesn’t,” I said. “Or, I don’t know. Maybe something’s wrong with me.”
The girls looked at each other and then back at me. “Like what?” asked Sherry.
“I don’t know,” I said. “But he hardly touches me, so there’s got to be something.”
“Yeah,” said Eve. “Weird.”
The conversation turned to other things, and I went home soon after that. Toby kissed me chastely when he dropped me off, and inwardly, I fumed. The look those girls had given me still was stuck in my head. It was like I was a leper or something. I hated feeling so weird. Why didn’t Toby want to be with me? Why?
I didn’t sleep well that night. I couldn’t stop thinking about what might be wrong with me. I couldn’t help but think that Toby was just being nice to spare my feelings, but there was something about me that was different than everyone else. I wished he’d tell me what it was. How was I supposed to fix it if I didn’t know?
The next morning at school, when Toby and I walked into the hallway, I suddenly felt all eyes on me. And everyone started whispering to each other. My heart dropped into my stomach. It was obvious that everyone was talking about us. What were they saying?
I made my way to English class. I tried to ignore the stares and whispers. What could I have done? Why was everyone talking about me? I looked at Toby, but Toby seemed oblivious. On my way to class, I looked everywhere for Lilith, knowing she’d give it to me straight. But I didn’t see her anywhere.
Even in class, the stares and whispers continued. I tried to concentrate on writing my journal prompt. The question today was, “Is it wise to subvert popular culture?”
We were reading 1984. Annoyingly, the hero and heroine of the book were rebelling against a fascist government by having sex. Everyone on earth had sex, it seemed. Everyone except me. And now I was apparently a circus freak, because everyone was talking about me.
I scribbled something ridiculous for my journal prompt. I couldn’t concentrate on it. I hissed to Toby, “Everyone’s staring at us.”
Toby looked around as if he hadn’t noticed. “No, they’re not,” he whispered back.
“Toby, Azazel,” said Ms. Campbell, “please don’t talk.”
I could feel the gaze of everyone in the class on me as I wrote. I couldn’t concentrate as we discussed the journal. I could hear that Jason was saying something. As always, Ms. Campbell thought it was brilliant. I prayed that she would not call on me. I couldn’t concentrate on anything.
Luckily, she decided to move the class along before she got to me. “Well,” said Ms. Campbell, “as you guys probably guessed, I want to discuss this journal in terms of 1984.” She picked up her copy of the novel and leaned forward on her podium. “Winston says that sex is a rebellion. Desire, Winston thinks, is ‘thoughtcrime.’”
No one said anything.
“Oh come on, guys,” Ms. Campbell. “I know you’re all teenagers, and it’s weird to talk about sex, but you’re seniors. This is an AP class. What are your thoughts on that?”
Eve Newcomb tentatively raised her hand. “I guess he’s right?” she asked. Eve had a way of answering every question with a question. “The Party doesn’t want him to have sex with Julia? And when he does, he starts rebelling against everything?”
“Okay,” said Ms. Campbell. “But is sex itself a rebellion? Or is it only a rebellion if society tells us that we shouldn’t have sex?”
Jason raised his hand. “Obviously, you can’t rebel against something by doing what it tells you to do,” he said. “So it’s got to be because society says so.”
Ms. Campbell considered. “Everybody agree with Jason?”
Lisa Huron spoke up. Lisa was one of those know-it-all girls who seemed to like to argue with Jason just because he was Jason. She hated that Ms. Campbell seemed to think Jason was so brilliant. “I think sex is rebellion in general. It’s Freudian. I mean it’s the way the ego symbolically eradicates the shadow of the father figure. By symbolically copulating with a mother figure stand-in.”
Ms. Campbell nodded. “Well, no one’s gonna deny that Freud was a brilliant man, Lisa. But let’s all keep in mind that he did do a lot of cocaine.”
Everyone laughed.
“What I’m getting at,” said Ms. Campbell, “is that I’m again trying to see if we can find parallels between our society and the society Orwell predicted in 1984.”
According to Ms. Campbell, Orwell had predicted text messages. They were newspeak. Ms. Campbell was cool, but sometimes she just dug a little too deep.
“He was wrong about this,” said Lisa, “because in our society, we aren’t forbidden to have sex.”
“No,” said Jason, “but maybe it’s backwards. I mean, if you live in a society where you’re sexually repressed, then having sex is an act of rebellion. But if yo
u live in a society where sex is condoned and encouraged, then the opposite would be true.”
“So not having sex would be an act of rebellion?” asked Ms. Campbell.
Half of the class snickered. I looked around. They were staring at me. Suddenly, I knew what this was all about. I should never have confided in Eve and Sherry. Those girls had big mouths. Everyone was laughing at me because Toby and I weren’t having sex. I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole.
Ms. Campbell furrowed her brow. “Why is that funny?”
“I don’t think it’s funny at all,” said Jason. “Actually, if someone did that in a permissive society like ours, I think it would be brave.”
He was looking right at me. Jason was taking up for me. That was cool of him. I caught his eyes for a moment, trying to communicate that I was grateful.
“Am I hearing you right?” asked Ms. Campbell. “Jason, you’re saying that in today’s society, abstinence is a form of rebellion?”
“Kind of,” said Jason.
Later on, in French class, I intercepted a note that was making its rounds across the class. It said, “Azazel Jones has a deformed pussy.” I crumpled it up and stared straight ahead. This was awful.
I barely made it to lunch, and when I did, I exploded to Toby in the lunch line, “I can’t take this!”
Toby seemed confused. “Take what? Why are you upset?”
I showed him the note.
He uncrumpled it. “This is kind of messed up.”
“Kind of?” I said. “I happen to mention to Sherry and Eve last night that we aren’t having sex, and now I’m deformed?!”
We took our trays off the rack and proceeded into the kitchen.
Toby looked confused as he slid his tray along in front of the cafeteria workers. “How are those things even related?” He looked across at one of the cooks. “No jello, okay?”
“They said that there was no way you wouldn’t want to have sex with me unless something was wrong with me,” I told him. “And now everyone thinks something’s wrong with me.”
“Jesus,” said Toby. “I can’t believe those girls.” He shook his head, looking angry for a second. Then he stopped. “Why’d you tell them that anyway?”
“They were talking about having sex with their boyfriends,” I said. “They asked me a question. I couldn’t relate, what was I supposed to say?”
“Say it’s private,” said Toby. “Say it’s none of their business.”
“Is that what you say?”
We emerged from the kitchen, carrying our lunch trays.
We started across the cafeteria to our regular table. Several of the girls spotted us as we approached. They huddled together, speaking in voices too low to hear. Then they burst into laughter.
I stopped. “I can’t eat at that table,” I said.
“Oh geez, you don’t even know if they were talking about you,” said Toby.
“I do know,” I said. “I’m not even hungry anyway.”
I dumped my tray in the trashcan and tore out of the cafeteria and through the halls. There was a little alcove behind the gym that I knew about. Maybe nobody would see me if I just went there and cried.
There was no one in the alcove. I leaned against the wall. Rested my head against it. This had to be the worst day of my entire life. Why was everyone being so awful? When I’d thought that I was the oldest virgin on earth, I’d been exaggerating. Surely there were other girls in school who hadn’t had sex. Surely I wasn’t the only girl. And I couldn’t be the only person who thought it was okay to be a virgin, could I? I slid down the wall and covered my face with my hands.
Someone rounded the corner, calling my name. I expected it to be Toby. I expected that he would have followed me. But it wasn’t. It was Jason.
“Hey,” I said, feeling dangerously close to tears.
“Hey,” he said. “I, um, saw you run out of the cafeteria. I’m sorry everybody’s being so awful.”
“It’s not your fault,” I said. Jason was being nice to me, and that didn’t do anything to stop the impending flood of tears. They started to leak out of my eyes. I brushed them away angrily. “It’s just stupid. I hate it. I feel like everyone else has done it and that they’re right. Something is wrong with me.”
Jason sat down next to me. “Well, not everyone else has done it,” he said.
“I know, but it just seems...” Then I realized he was admitting something to me. “Oh,” I said.
He smiled at me. “I’ve never even had a girlfriend,” he said.
“Really?” I said. “But you’re so...”
“Weird,” he said.
“No, you’re not,” I said. But hadn’t I said that about him, thought that about him, too many times to count? “That wasn’t what I was going to say. You’re... smart and brave and strong and you’re... you know, very attractive.”
Jason laughed. “Right,” he said sarcastically. “Sure.”
“I’m serious,” I said.
“Stop. I came here to cheer you up, not the other way around.”
I smiled. “Well, whatever you did, it kind of worked.” I wasn’t crying anymore.
“Cool,” he said.
We were quiet for a couple minutes.
“You know, Azazel,” he said, “I don’t know if I ever really told you how grateful I am that you found me when you did. And that you took me back to your house and... This... all of this, the school, your parents, everything. It’s so great. I always wanted to have a life like this. And it’s because of you.”
“What?” I said. “I just did what—”
“Who’s back there?” interrupted a voice.
A teacher? Weren’t we allowed back here at lunch?
But it was Adam Neels and Joe Anthony, the two worst troublemakers in our school. They practically lived in ISS. They stood in front of us, with their greasy hair and camouflaged jackets and pimply faces, and I could just tell this wasn’t going to be good. How was I supposed to know this was their spot?
Jason and I both stood up.
“Oh,” said Adam. “It’s Azazel Jones with one of the foster fucks.”
“We’re going,” I said.
“No, it’s cool,” said Joe. “You two can stay.”
“Hey Azazel,” said Adam. “I hear that you don’t have a cunt, and that’s why your dumbass boyfriend can’t figure out how to fuck you.”
“No,” said Joe, “that’s not what I heard. I heard she’s actually a dude. Her mom makes her dress up in girl clothes.”
Jason folded his arms over his chest. “Don’t talk to her like that,” he said calmly.
“What are you gonna do about it?” asked Joe, advancing on Jason.
Joe was at least a head taller than Jason, and much wider. Standing next to Jason, Joe looked like an overgrown oaf.
“Yeah,” said Adam, coming closer to me. “You packing a dick in those jeans, Azazel? Why don’t you let us see?”
Adam took another step forward, and his face was right in my face, and his hands were on my waist. I flattened myself against the wall, terrified. What was he going to do? Should I scream?
“Don’t touch her,” said Jason’s voice, still quiet and calm.
Adam whipped his head around to face Jason. “Her?” he mocked. “You sure that she’s a her?”
It happened so fast. Jason drove his fist into Adam’s face. Adam yelled and backed away, his hand going to his lip, which was gushing blood. Joe lumbered for Jason, but Jason nimbly ducked under Joe’s outstretched arms. Behind Joe now, he gripped the back of Joe’s neck and slammed Joe’s forehead into the wall. Then Jason reached out, took my hand, and pulled me away from the alcove.
“Let’s get out of here,” he said.
We hurried out into the crowded gym. I looked behind us, expecting Adam and Joe to be hot in pursuit. But they weren’t there. I stared at Jason, stunned.
It had been so matter of fact. So precise. He hadn’t thought. He’d just acted.
He’d quickly and neatly dispatched both of the boys. Jason hadn’t even broken a sweat.
“Are you okay?” he asked me.
“Fine,” I said, dazed. I couldn’t believe he’d just done that.
“People are jerks,” he muttered.