The thought made Zeke slap the freezer door closed. He sank onto a kitchen chair and stared blankly at the gleaming surface of the tabletop. Time to do some serious thinking. He was falling, Stetson over boot heels, for Natalie Patterson. Before he took this any further, he needed to be positive it was what he really wanted. Ladies like Natalie weren’t made for trial runs.
Problem. How could any man be absolutely sure of his feelings for a lady at the beginning of a relationship? Zeke was cautious by nature, always had been. To even consider making a long-term commitment to a woman was a gigantic step for him, and before he took it, he wanted to be sure he wasn’t making a huge mistake. To accomplish that, he needed to spend a lot more time with Natalie and her kids. He also needed to know that he and the lady were sexually compatible. A guy couldn’t determine that with only a kiss.
And therein lay the problem, he decided. To be sure of his feelings, he’d be putting Natalie’s at risk. If he pressed her to take the relationship to a more intimate level, she might come to expect more from him than he’d feel inclined to give. Rather than take that gamble, it might be better never to go there. He didn’t want to hurt her. She’d already been hurt too many times.
So that left him where, exactly? Nowhere, he guessed. He needed to cool it, no question about it.
Throat afire from screaming Chad’s name, Natalie walked through the shadowy barn. The dusty smell of the hay filled her nostrils. She stopped to scratch Marigold’s broad, bovine nose before climbing the rickety ladder to the loft.
“Chad?” she called. “Are you up here?”
No answer. Natalie was starting to get really worried. Shortly after they returned from town, Chad had placed a phone call, Natalie wasn’t sure to whom, and afterward he’d raced from the house as if the devil were at his heels. She hadn’t been able to find him since. Glancing at her watch, she determined that three hours had passed since he left the house. This late in the summer, the daylight started to fade around eight. It would be fully dark by nine.
As she descended the ladder, she heard Valerie calling her name. “In here!” she cried, hoping that her sister had news of Chad. “Did he come back?”
“No, not yet.” Valerie appeared in the doorway of the dilapidated building. “No sign of him in the fields?”
“No.” A tight, suffocating sensation grabbed Natalie by the throat. “I’m getting scared.”
Valerie nodded. “Something upset him pretty bad. You don’t suppose he called Robert?”
“It’s possible, although I can’t imagine Robert picking up. He hasn’t answered any of my calls. I’ve dialed his number so many times this last week I’ve lost count.”
Valerie put her hands on her hips and turned to gaze at the fields. “Maybe the shine’s worn off his latest love interest and he decided to devote a few minutes to his son. You know Robert. No staying power. I can see him screwing someone for a week, dropping her, and amusing himself for a few days by playing Daddy of the Year.”
Bitterness laced Valerie’s voice. She’d disliked Robert for years. One of Natalie’s fondest memories was of Valerie backing Robert against a wall with a nail file and threatening to castrate him if he ever stepped out on her big sister again. Robert had taken the threat seriously and stopped screwing around for almost two months, a record for him.
“Do you think Chad might be over at Zeke’s place?” Valerie asked.
Natalie had wondered the same thing herself. “I’m sure Zeke would call.”
“He might think we know where Chad is.”
“That’s true, I suppose. Maybe I should give him a ring.”
Valerie fell into step beside Natalie as she left the barn. “If Chad isn’t at Zeke’s, we need to contact the police, Nattie.”
Natalie’s heart caught. “The police?”
“Chad’s been a powder keg waiting to blow for weeks. No telling what set him off. How do you know he hasn’t run away?”
Fear made Natalie’s blood run cold. “I can’t believe that. I know he’s confused and unhappy right now, but surely he isn’t that unhappy. We had such a nice day in town. After we went shopping, I took them for lunch at Papa’s Pizza. I even gave him two dollars to play video games. Why would he suddenly decide to run away when I haven’t given him a reason?”
“Kids his age need a reason?” Valerie shook her head. “I ran away once because Pop made me wash my face. He was bound and determined that I wouldn’t wear makeup until I turned sixteen.”
Natalie recalled the incident, and her worry increased.
“On the off chance that Chad has run away, I think we should call the cops,” Valerie insisted. “Don’t you watch those Amber Alerts on TV? They say it’s crucial to find a missing child within twenty-four hours. After that, the chances of a safe return decrease rapidly.”
“You’re such a comfort,” Natalie groused. “Start making funeral arrangements, why don’t you?”
“Well, jeez. Don’t be so sensitive. I’m not saying he’s dead, only that it’s important to act swiftly.”
A few minutes later, Natalie’s hands were shaking as she dialed Zeke’s number. He answered on the third ring. “Zeke, here.”
“Zeke, this is Natalie.”
His tone softened. “Hey.”
She swallowed to steady her voice. “Is Chad over there?”
“No, I haven’t seen him. He’s not at home?”
“No. I’m afraid he’s taken off.”
“Taken off? How long has he been gone?”
“About three hours.” Natalie pressed a fingertip to her throbbing temple. “At first I thought he was out in the fields somewhere. But I’ve checked all of them now, and the outbuildings as well. I can’t find him anywhere. Oh, Zeke, I’m afraid he’s run away.”
Long silence. Then, “Why would he run away?”
Natalie closed her eyes. “I don’t know. Valerie thinks he may have talked to Robert on the phone. I know he called someone, and right after hanging up, he ran from the house.” She paused to grab for breath. “Do you think I should call the police?”
“Let’s not jump the gun,” he said calmly. “I’ll take my truck and check the road into town first. If he’s run away, he’ll be afoot.”
Natalie nodded, then realized he couldn’t see her. “Good idea.” She wondered why she hadn’t thought of it. “I can drive the road. I’d rather not trouble you.”
“It’s no trouble, and it’ll be better if I go. If he’s trying to run away, he’ll recognize your Chevy straight off. He’s only been in my Dodge once. It may take him a second longer to recognize it.”
That was true. “Thank you, Zeke.”
“Don’t worry,” he said, his voice husky with what sounded like tenderness. “I’m sure he’s fine, honey. There aren’t many ways for a boy to get in trouble out here. This far out, there isn’t even much danger of some weirdo stopping to pick him up.”
Natalie nodded again. Then the line clicked and went dead. She slowly lowered the phone from her ear. After relating the conversation to Valerie, she stood at the kitchen window, staring out at the fields, hoping against hope that she’d see Chad walking home.
“I just checked on Rosie,” Valerie said, returning from the living room a moment later. “Gramps is letting her watch cartoons, and she’s totally engrossed.”
“That’s good. There’s no point in her getting all upset.”
“There’s no point in any of us getting all upset,” Valerie said brightly. “How’s about a nice cup of tea?”
“No, thanks.” Natalie braced her hand on the edge of the sink and leaned forward, craning her neck to see behind the house. “You go ahead.”
“Hey. Cheer up. Zeke’s so totally right. What can happen to a kid out here?”
Natalie just hugged her waist and continued to watch for her son.
Zeke was about to climb in his truck and go looking for Chad when a prickly sensation moved up his spine. He spun back around to sweep his gaze over the shop and
what he could see of the backyard.
“Chad?”
The boy didn’t answer, but Zeke couldn’t shake the feeling that he was somewhere nearby. Just in case his instincts were correct, he went out back to check. At first glance, he saw nothing. Then he spotted Chad huddling in the shadows under the oak tree. The kid sat with his back to the trunk, knees drawn to his chest, forehead resting on his folded arms. Even at a distance, Zeke could see that he was sobbing as if his heart were broken.
He walked slowly across the grass. “Hey, buddy,” he said softly. “I was about to go looking for you. Your mom just called. She’s really worried.”
As Zeke lowered himself to the grass, he saw Chad’s shoulders jerking convulsively, but he heard no accompanying noise. He realized that the boy was embarrassed to be caught crying and was trying to stop by holding his breath. Zeke knew from experience that nothing he said would make Chad feel better, so he took a page out of his father’s book and kept his trap shut.
It took Chad a few minutes to collect himself. When he was finally able to speak, his voice was ragged with pain. “I called my d-dad, and he t-told me to leave him alone.”
An ache filled Zeke’s chest and moved up from there into his throat. “Why’d he say a thing like that?”
Chad’s mouth twisted and his chin quivered. “Because I bawled him out and p-pissed him off.”
“Uh-oh. What did you bawl him out about?”
The boy wiped his nose on the sleeve of his T-shirt. “About m-my mom selling h-her earrings. They b-belonged to her g-grandma. Since the d-divorce, she’s sold practically everything else, but n-never the earrings ’cause they’re so sp-special. Now they’re g-gone. She hocked them to buy us c-clothes for school.” His voice went shrill, and his face twisted again. “We’ll probably never have enough money to buy them back before s-someone else gets them.”
Zeke resisted the urge to curl an arm around the boy’s shoulders. Instead he just sat there for a while, letting Chad cry himself out. When the boy’s sobs began to abate, he said, “Becoming a man is a real bitch. Isn’t it?” He nudged Chad over a bit so they could share the tree trunk as a backrest. “One of the hardest things of all is watching our parents make sacrifices for us.”
“I’ll n-never have to watch my dad make any.”
Zeke wasn’t about to bite on that. He waited for Chad to say more.
“He d-doesn’t c-care if Rosie’s sandals are taped together. He doesn’t care if I have to go to school in secondhand clothes. I could be dying, and h-he wouldn’t care.”
“Ah, now.”
“It’s true! Only my mom really loves me.” Chad’s face twisted again. “I’ve been so mean to her all summer. Sometimes I almost h-hated her. I didn’t want to believe my dad didn’t care about me, so I blamed everything on her.” He swiped at his cheeks and sniffed. “Today when she h-hocked Grandma Westfield’s earrings, she laughed and pretended it was no big d-deal. Then she spent all the money on me and Rosie so we’d have nice clothes for school. Rosie d-didn’t understand what she was doing, but I did.”
Zeke sighed and straightened one leg to get more comfortable. “You’re a lot older than Rosie, Chad. She’s still just a baby.”
“I know. I don’t blame her or anything.” Chad clenched his jaw. “I blame my dad for letting it h-happen.”
Zeke refrained from commenting. Chad was making a very painful journey right now. He needed to complete it in his own way and at his own speed.
“I didn’t think my dad knew how bad things were for us,” Chad whispered. “Dumb of me. Huh?”
“Not dumb, exactly. It’s a pretty reasonable conclusion to reach about your father.”
The boy’s breath snagged convulsively and stuttered out on a shaky sigh. “Yeah. He’s, like, my dad. I thought if I told him how h-hard up we were for money he’d take care of it. I figured he’d say, ‘S-sure, Chad. Tell your m-mom I’ll send her a check.’ Only he d-didn’t. ‘She made her b-bed,’ he said, ‘and now she can sleep in it.’ ” He fixed Zeke with a disbelieving, injured look. “He isn’t going to give her a dime. If Rosie and I have to do without food, too bad. All he c-cares about is getting even with Mom for leaving him. He says he gave her everything money could buy, and it wasn’t enough for her.”
Money couldn’t buy everything that a woman needed from a man, Zeke thought, but he still chose to say nothing. A long silence followed. Chad gulped and went on. “He was with a woman when I called. I think they were in bed together.”
Zeke winced, wishing that particular reality hadn’t been shoved in Chad’s face. “Ah,” he said softly. “Your father is divorced now. I guess maybe so.”
“No maybe to it. He was so busy fooling around with her that he didn’t pay attention to half of what I said.” Chad’s voice cracked. “That was the worst part: knowing, after all this time, that he didn’t even care if he talked to me.”
Zeke closed his eyes, thinking of his own father, who’d always, always loved him without fail.
“It made me hurt inside.” Chad pressed a fist to his breastbone. “Like nothing else has ever, ever hurt.”
“I’m sorry, partner. That’s rough.”
Chad made a mewling sound. “I never really understood how bad my mom used to feel when he was with some girlfriend when she talked to him on the phone. I should’ve been there for her all those times, and I wasn’t.”
Zeke sighed. “Don’t beat up on yourself for that.”
Chad sent him a wondering look. “She was hurting. I could’ve hugged her or something to make it better, and all I did was flip her crap.”
“What you’re feeling for your mother right now is called compassion,” Zeke explained, “and the ability to feel it isn’t something most of us are born with. We have to suffer a little ourselves to understand the pain someone else is feeling.” Zeke paused to let that sink in. “When I was younger and bad things happened, my dad used to tell me that someday I’d be a better man for the experience. I never understood what he meant until I got to be about your age. The long and short of it is, getting kicked in the teeth every once in a while teaches us never to kick another guy when he’s down.”
Chad rubbed his cheeks and sniffed. There was a lifetime of wisdom and regret in his tear-filled eyes. “When I heard that lady whispering to my dad and giggling like he was tickling her, I knew the same thing had probably happened to my mom a hundred times.” Chad’s breath hitched. “I heard the woman tell Dad to get rid of me. Pretty soon, that’s exactly what he did.” At the admission, Chad went absolutely still and squeezed his eyes closed. “That’s when he told me to leave him alone. Then he just hung up.”
Zeke didn’t know what to say.
“My dad’s a terrible person, isn’t he?” Chad whispered.
It wasn’t really a question, and again, Zeke wasn’t sure what to say. “That may be a little harsh. Sometimes, perfectly nice people get off on the wrong track. Only time will tell if your father has what it takes to come out on the other side.”
“I hate his guts.”
“That’ll pass.” Zeke dragged in a deep breath, praying for the right words. Never in his life had it been this important to say the right thing. His track record for eloquence was so sorry it scared him. “He’s your dad, faults and all. That’s what you have to remember. Another hard part about growing up is learning to love our parents anyway. You know what I’m saying?”
“The way my mom loves me?”
Zeke’s heart nearly broke at the expression on Chad’s face. “Yeah, exactly like that. If you’ve been mean to her all summer, nobody would know it by watching her. She busted her little fanny over here yesterday, helping to work off your debt so you can go to camp. That’s a perfect example of loving someone anyway.”
“I think she tried to call my dad all last week and lied to me about it.”
“Why do you think that?”
“Because she didn’t want me to know he didn’t care enough about me to pick up the stup
id phone.”
“He answered when you called this afternoon.”
“Yeah, but, like, why? He was probably expecting a business call and doesn’t have caller ID in the bedroom.”
Zeke was no more inclined to argue the point than he was to criticize the boy’s father. “That’s possible, I guess.”
Chad sighed. Then he puffed out his cheeks, and fresh tears filled his eyes. “I’ve never, ever been good enough for him. Not at school, not at sports, not at anything. All I’ve ever wanted is for him to love me, but he doesn’t.”
Zeke grasped the boy’s shoulder to give him a light shake. “You get that thought straight out of your head.” As reluctant as he was to criticize Chad’s father, he couldn’t let that slide by. “You’re a fine young man. If anyone has a failing, it’s your dad, not you.”
“Why doesn’t he love me, then?”
“Maybe he does, and he just can’t or doesn’t know how to show it. Showing affection—being loyal—coming through for people when they need us—all those things are learned behaviors, kind of like feeling compassion. You’re lucky. You’ve got a mother who’s teaching you all those things. Maybe your father didn’t have someone like her when he was growing up.”
Chad frowned thoughtfully. “Maybe not. My Grandpa Patterson never paid very much attention to me, and Grandma Grace is, like, totally uptight. If you forget to put your napkin on your lap, she goes off, acting like it’s a crime or something. My grandma Naomi—she’s my mom’s mom—is a lot more fun. She makes cookies, and we play games. If Rosie hugs her with sticky hands, she just laughs. Grandma Grace gets mad.”
“There, you see, your mom was raised by warm and loving people. That shows in the way she treats you. Could be it was different for your dad.”
“I guess.”
“I only know that none of this business with your father is your fault,” Zeke went on. “So don’t take it onto your shoulders and blame yourself. If you need to take measure of your worth as a son, Chad, look at your mom. Seems to me she thinks you’re pretty special.”
Chad stared unseeingly at the back of the house. “I couldn’t face her after I talked to my dad,” he whispered.