She doesn’t hesitate. “Of course. Anything.” Unconditional support is amazing. It makes me feel like Superman.
“Will you come with me to Chicago this weekend?” I don’t know what I’ll do if she says no.
She cups my cheek with her tiny hand. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” She’s not turning me down. Maybe she wants to make sure I’ve thought this through.
“Yes. I’ll break the news to them by myself, but it would make me feel better knowing you’re nearby.”
She nods her head. “Okay then, absolutely. I’ll go.”
Her support makes me feel like I can do anything. Anything. I feel stronger already. “Thanks.”
“So, now that the decision’s been made, what happens next?”
Now she looks worried again. I place my hands on her shoulders to offer comfort. “Changing majors means tacking on an extra year and a half; luckily I was already heavy on the English classes so that helped. I dropped out of all my current classes that won’t count toward my new degree.”
She cringes. “Was that hard? I know it bothers you not to finish something you’ve committed to.”
This girl knows me. She knows me. “Yeah, that was probably the only part of this that was hard. I hate leaving anything incomplete. It makes me feel like a failure.”
She places her finger over my lips to quiet me. “You’re not a failure. You changed plans. Huge difference.”
When I smile, she drops her finger. “Thanks.”
“What about your scholarship?”
“I don’t know yet. My advisor is going to talk to Dr. Watkins, the head of the English department, to see what can be done. I wouldn’t be surprised if I lose it. But if I do, there are always student loans, right?”
She nods. “Right.” She pauses a moment and then repeats, “You sure you’re okay?”
“Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever been more okay with my life than I am right now.”
She’s staring at me. I usually hate this kind of intense scrutiny, but when she looks at me like this I feel alive. Like there’s finally someone who sees me, the real me. The good and the bad, and I don’t have to hide any of it. I don’t have to be ashamed. I don’t have to pretend. I can just be me, Keller Banks. She smiles her kindest smile and takes my hands in hers. “Damn. I’m in awe, dude. Seriously. You are doing it. You have officially taken back a huge part of your life. How does it feel to be such a badass?”
I shrug. “Pretty badass.” My response is casual, but her words were like an adrenaline shot straight to my heart. My chest swells with pride and love.
She laughs, hugs me again, and her lips skim my ear. “You’re so sexy when you’re badass.” It’s the low, breathy whisper that drives me wild.
My hands run the line of her spine and come to rest on her hips while my lips paint kisses across her neck and up to her ear. “You have no idea what you’re in for later. I hope you had a nap today, because when I get home tonight … ”
She teases my earlobe with the tip of her tongue before answering. “Promise?”
“Cross my heart.”
Tuesday, November 15
(Kate)
It’s been awhile since I’ve talked to Maddie, and even though I get regular updates via Clayton because he’s at Maddie and Morris’ apartment a lot, I still want that one-on-one communication. Despite the one seemingly genuine conversation I had with her that led to the Morris roommate situation, it’s kind of been downhill since. She put her guard back up.
So with low expectations, I send a text: Hey, wanna grab dinner Friday?
Wednesday, November 16
(Kate)
Maddie responds to my text: Maybe
Noncommittal. What was I expecting, anyway?
Friday, November 18
(Kate)
Maddie just texted me back to say she’s available for dinner tonight at 7:15. It’s 6:37. The text wasn’t so much an acceptance of an invitation as it was yielding to coercion. I wasn’t coercing. You’d think I was twisting the girl’s arm. I’m kind of sorry I asked at this point. I’m especially tired today and I’m trying to stay positive, but I’m cranky. This isn’t helping.
I feel guilty exposing Keller to the world of Maddie Spiegelman, but I can’t do this alone. “Keller, you know that saying, ‘You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours’?”
He looks up from the book he’s reading and smiles. It’s the crooked smile that I love. “Yes,” he says suggestively. Now I feel worse, because at this point he thinks there’s something good to come out of this.
“I’m going to Chicago with you tomorrow. Will you go out to dinner with me and my aunt tonight?”
He bookmarks the page and sets the book down. “Sure. Are we meeting her in Minneapolis or is she coming to Grant?” I’ve told Keller I have an aunt in Minneapolis, but I’ve intentionally left out every other detail about her. It’s kind of an if you don’t have anything nice to say situation.
“Minneapolis. Can you be ready in fifteen minutes?”
He’s already halfway to the bathroom. “Can you grab me a clean pair of jeans and a shirt? I’m going to take a quick shower. Wanna join me?”
A smile melts through me because his flirting is relieving some of the tension my body is tangled up in at the moment. “Yes … but that would take longer than fifteen minutes and then we’d miss dinner entirely.”
He shrugs. “My loss.”
He’s more adorable every day.
We pull up to Maddie’s building at exactly 7:15. She said she’d be ready.
When she opens the door and her eyes fall on Keller, she gets a hungry, predatory look in her eyes. Like her mind’s seesawing between two options: devour him whole or take her time and savor every bite. Keller notices, too. Shit, the blind guy across the street noticed. He shakes her hand when I make the introduction, but never lets go of my hand with the other.
I suggest we go to the diner down the street where Maddie and I had breakfast months ago. It’s good, and cheap, and most importantly it’s not sushi. When Keller backs me, Maddie doesn’t complain, even though I know it’s not her type of Friday night hangout. She’s dressed like a high-priced escort tonight.
We walk three abreast down the sidewalk, Keller sandwiched in between us. Keller is holding my hand with both of his. Maybe he’s fearful Maddie would take a free hand if it’s left open and exposed. He’s probably right. She’s monopolizing the conversation and hasn’t addressed me with a single question or comment. Everything’s been directed at Keller. I’m beginning to think she forgot I’m even here. I’m tired so it’s kind of a relief to not have to follow an exchange or focus too closely. And it is entertaining because she’s trying so hard to impress him.
He’s not impressed.
At all.
I owe him one.
I take mental notes during dinner and it appears that Maddie’s life is on the same track it was months ago. I’d hoped that Morris moving in would relieve some of the financial burden and allow her to look deeper, find meaning in other places. It doesn’t sound like anything’s changed.
Maybe it’s because I’m tired, or maybe it’s the medication I’m on, or maybe deep down I’m just an unsympathetic bitch, but I can’t listen to it anymore. My plan for dinner tonight was to put it all out there, because I honestly don’t think I’ll see her many more times and I want some peace in my heart knowing I did what I could to get through to her. “So Maddie,” she starts at the sound of my voice. Yup, she forgot I was here. “I haven’t seen you in a while. How’s everything working out with your new roommate?” I’ll start out with the easy questions.
“Morris is just a sweetheart. I’m so lucky I found him.” She’s talking to Keller again. He’s doing the nodding thing that I do when I’ve listened to her too long or what she’s saying is unbelievable. I almost laugh. “Keller, it was the craziest thing. Morris had just moved here from London.”
“Manchester,” I mumble, but she doesn’t
hear me and talks right over the top of me.
“He didn’t know a soul and was looking for a place to live and even though I was really enjoying having my two bedroom all to myself, well I just didn’t have the heart to tell him no when the poor guy practically begged to move in with me.”
Wow. That’s a slightly different version than the one I remember. I feel like we’re playing the telephone game … and I’m the last person … in a very long line.
Keller’s not stupid either. He can read between the lines. “That does sound lucky. How’d you meet him?”
She dodges the question because clearly she’s supposed to be the savior in this story and this is an inconsequential detail. “I don’t remember exactly.”
I bark out a laugh because (a) she really doesn’t remember, or (b) she’s pretending she doesn’t remember; either option seems kind of shitty to me. This is the kind of stuff I usually let roll right off my back, but tonight I can’t seem to let it go. “You don’t remember who introduced you to Morris?”
She pries her eyes from Keller and looks at me like a small child that should be seen and not heard. “It’s not important, Kate.”
I give her a fake smile. “I guess it’s not,” and then I cough out a “you’re welcome,” under my breath.
Keller chuckles quietly next to me. He heard me. He knows what’s going on.
“What’s so funny, Keller, dear?” She’s purring at him. Actually purring. It’s starting to get on my nerves.
He clears his throat. “Nothing. Sorry, I was just thinking about something Katie said earlier.”
Her mood sours but she doesn’t want to give up now that there’s some back and forth going between the two of them, “So, little Kate here never told me she was dating anyone. How long has she been keeping you under wraps?”
He looks at me and winks before answering. That wink tells something entertaining is about to happen. “I fell in love with her the first time we met months ago, but we’ve only recently starting dating. I’ve never met anyone like her, someone I’m so compatible with on every level: emotionally, intellectually, sexually. I’m ruined for all other women at this point.”
I almost want to blush because I know he means it, but the look on Maddie’s face is priceless. I feel triumphant. Triumph squashes the hell out of embarrassment.
He kisses my cheek signaling that he needs me to let him out of the booth. “I need to use the bathroom before we go, babe. I’m ready to get you home if you don’t mind.” Another wink.
God, he knows how to make an exit. And this newfound confidence is a turn-on. Now I’m ready to go home, and for reasons other than to escape our dinner company.
I slide out and he whispers in my ear as he passes. “It’s all true.”
Maddie’s almost drooling watching him walk away, eyes zeroed in on his ass. She has no shame.
I clear my throat to draw her attention away because there’s unfinished business here. “Um, Maddie, I wanted to ask: how’s everything going? You know, have you gone to the doctor lately?” No more easy questions.
She rolls her eyes. “We’re not going to talk about that again, are we?”
I nod. “Yup.” That’s the reason I’m here. I feel like I’m failing her as family if I don’t bring it up. “We’re going there.”
“I told you before, Kate, it’s not a problem.”
I need to make this fast before Keller comes back. I don’t want to rush this effort because then it seems contrived, but it’s all I have at this point. “Maddie, listen, I’m worried about you. I think about you a lot and I just want you to be healthy and happy. The lifestyle you’re living, the dietary choices you’re making ... they aren’t really optimal, dude.” I’m feeling flustered because I’m not explaining this very well. I don’t want to shame her or make her feel bad. I’m trying to be considerate, but firm.
She doesn’t like being put on the spot. “Kate, I am happy. And as far as my health goes I’m having no problems whatsoever. Besides, men find thin women more attractive.” She shrugs like it’s common knowledge. “It’s just a fact of life.” She looks me over. “It seems you’ve figured that out yourself. It looks like you’ve lost some of that baby fat since I last saw you and now that you’re dating Mr. Gorgeous Blue Eyes.” She whispers as if we’re in on this together, being too thin, like my weight loss is a product of manipulation and choice, not terminal disease. “It’s no coincidence,” she winks, “trust me.”
I glance up and Keller’s standing behind her. He heard everything and the look on his face is murderous. I shake my head minutely. It’s not worth it.
He walks up beside me and fishes twenty dollars out of his pocket and throws it down on the table to cover our portion of the bill and tip. He offers his hand. “I’ve had about all I can take.”
Maddie misses the dig. “Who’s up for drinks?”
I’m about to pass when Keller beats me to it. “We need to get home. We have a busy weekend ahead of us and Katie needs to rest.”
I beg him with my eyes not to go there. Please don’t tell her I’m sick.
She laughs and it’s the kind of laugh when you think you’re sharing a private moment with someone at the expense of the third wheel. “Yes, it looks like Kate could use some rest. Beauty sleep does wonders.” She tosses her hair over her shoulder. “Not all of us can get away with looking this good on only a few hours of sleep a night.”
Wow. Did she really just say that?
Keller shakes his head. He can’t believe it either. “You know one of my favorite things about Katie?”
Again Maddie looks sad, like she has every other time Keller’s said my name aloud tonight, as if by saying my name he’s reaffirming that she doesn’t stand a chance with him. “No, what?”
He pulls me gently to stand next to him. His hand is trembling. He’s pissed. I don’t know whether to let him say what he’s about to say or pull him out the door. In the end I decide I want to hear it, because he’s testing his courage lately and he needs it this weekend more than ever.
“I love that Katie would never, ever, in a million years, treat anyone as blatantly shitty as you’ve treated her tonight. It’s a shame you’re so thoroughly self-absorbed that it renders you incapable of getting to know her, because believe me, if you could, you’d be a better person for it.”
I squeeze his hand. I feel bad for Maddie, but it feels good to have someone stick up for me.
He looks down and smiles at me. The smile fades when he looks back to Maddie’s stunned expression. “I wish I could say it’s been a pleasure, but well, it hasn’t. Not even close.”
With that we exit. I don’t look back. Somehow I know this is the last time I will talk to Maddie. There’s no way she’ll talk to me after tonight.
My heart feels heavy as we walk to the car. So before we get in I pull Keller into a hug and squeeze him tight. I need him to hold me.
His body’s still shaking and it’s not from the cold. “That is one of the most narcissistic, uncaring, disrespectful people I’ve ever met—”
I interrupt him with a kiss. “Thank you. I’m not really into the whole being rescued thing, but you make one helluva white knight, Keller Banks.”
He wants to smile but he can’t. He strokes my hair and stares into my eyes. It’s calming him down so I let him. “Doesn’t she piss you off? Why are you so calm about this? She’s toxic.”
I shrug. “She’s not the most pleasant person to be around, but she’s got some issues. I wanted to try to talk to her about it tonight.”
“If her issue is anything other than being the world’s biggest bitch, I beg to differ.”
I have to smile because he sounds like Gus. And it’s hard to believe I have two people in my life who are this passionate about protecting me. I shake my head and my smile slips as Maddie’s reality slips in. “She’s bulimic, Keller.”
He shakes his head. “Not good enough. I mean I know that sounds insensitive as hell, and okay, to be fair that
does suck, but Katie you have fucking … you know.” He can’t say it. “She should be worried about you.”
“Life should never be a who’s-got-it-shittier competition.” I look down. “Besides, I don’t want her to know.”
He raises my chin with a finger and whispers, “Why not?”
I’m quiet and I have to swallow back the lump in my throat.
“Is it because she already has problems of her own? You don’t want her to worry about you? Because to be honest, it would do that woman some good to worry about someone other than herself for a change.”
I shake my head. That’s the reason I don’t want everyone else to know, but not Maddie. With Maddie it’s different. It’s a fear I don’t want to verbalize. Because verbalizing it makes it real. Why does family have to be so difficult? So painful?
He hugs me into him and rubs circles through the back of my coat. He knows this soothes me. “What is it, babe? What are you scared of?”
“I know it’s stupid, but what if she didn’t care? My mother wasn’t wired to care. I dealt with it. My dad’s never cared. He’s non-existent. His choice. I’ve dealt with it. What if my aunt finds out I’m dying and she doesn’t care, Keller? She’s the only blood family I have left. I’m not looking for pity or love from her, but I don’t think I can deal with another uncaring family member. The whole scenario is just a variation on a fucked up familial psychological game I’ve played my whole life. I don’t need to dredge that up again. It’s exhausting. I want it behind me, because it fills my head with shit.”
He kisses the top of my head. “Amen to that. I know that game well. My head’s been full of shit forever.”
I stand on my tiptoes and kiss him, because at least I know we have this in common. “Ah, empathy, sympathy’s more intimate cousin. It’s kinda nice to know you empathize with me on this shitty subject.”
He kisses me before offering, “I’ll empathize with you anytime, babe.”
His lips feel so good that I close my eyes and kiss him again. “I’d rather just kiss you.”