She found herself looking forward to evenings with Rafe, their talks during her drive. She took the long way every day, even though it added at least a half hour to her drive each way. It was time she could spend talking to Rafael out loud, without worries anyone would catch her doing it. It was even better when Rafael drove, leaving her free to talk with him, explore the parts of his mind he willingly opened to her.
In bed, Matthias didn’t try to touch her, waiting for her to make the first move. She tried to time her arrivals and departures so he was asleep or not home, and she feigned sleep if he came in at night while she was there. On the one hand, she ached for his touch. On the other, she didn’t know how to make love to him, or even let him touch her, and completely maintain the barrier in her mind around Rafe’s presence.
Especially after what she’d been doing with Rafe.
She sensed Matthias’ loneliness, caught him watching her at work or at home, but still made no move. One evening he was reading in bed and she went downstairs with the excuse of getting a snack, then curled up on the sofa and fell asleep while talking with Rafe. When she awoke several hours later, someone had placed a blanket over her. Who, she didn’t know.
She didn’t ask.
* * * *
Six weeks after the funeral, Rafe brought up the radio.
“When are we going to take the ’65 to work? I love that car.”
“The radio.” She didn’t want to drive it unless she could hook the MP3 player into it.
“Let’s hook it up.”
“I don’t know how.”
“I did Matts’ Mustang. You can do this. It’s easy.”
“That was a mean trick, by the way, putting the note on the order.”
“I’m sorry, baby girl. How about we do it Saturday?”
It didn’t make sense to not have a good radio in the car when he’d gone through the trouble of ordering her one.
“Okay, fine. Saturday.”
* * * *
She took the box with the radio and components out to the garage and set it on the workbench. She had the place to herself, no worries about interruptions.
“You know, I’ve never done one of these before.”
“It’s easy, Taz. Just listen to me and do what I say. Or if you want, let me do it.”
That was tempting. Just sit back and let him have control and zone out for a while.
Maybe too tempting.
“Okay.” She sighed. “I’ll do it.”
She didn’t want to talk, she wanted to listen, to let him be there and be real and not be dead.
Not as dead, anyway.
“Disconnect the battery first.”
She followed his instructions. Thirty minutes later, she had the old radio out of the dash.
“That wasn’t so bad, was it?”
“No, that was okay.”
“Now we hook the new one up.”
An hour later she was listening to the radio. She still had to activate the XM part of it, but the MP3 port was working, and it hadn’t been nearly as hard installing the new XM antenna as she thought it would be. Rafael talked her through the entire process, including making sure she taped up the loose wires to his specifications and tucked everything neatly under the dash, secured with wire ties.
“Has to look neat, Taz. Anyone can butcher it.”
She smiled. “Does it meet your approval?”
“You’d still be working on it if it didn’t, baby girl.”
She laughed, sitting back in the seat, hands on the wheel. It felt good to do something like that. She wasn’t an expert in electronics by any stretch of the imagination. Having Rafael guiding her felt right, somehow. She closed her eyes, envisioning his face without going to their mental room. It was too tempting to spend her life curled up there with him, isolated from everyone. She knew she couldn’t do that, no matter how much she wanted it.
“You need to spend time with Matts.”
“I know.”
“He misses you.”
She felt the tears, but didn’t want to cry anymore. How many more tears would she shed over her lost life, her new life, the loss of Rafe? “I know.”
“I’m with you all the time. You can’t shut him out of your life anymore. He’ll wait for you forever, yes, but it’s cruel to keep him hanging like this. If you can’t reconnect with him, you need to let him go.”
That thought filled her with horror. “I love him.”
“Then show him, Taz. Tell him. Let him back in. You won’t hurt him, I promise. You love him too much to ever hurt him with your powers.” Rafe paused. “He’s your fiancé. You love him, I know you do. I can’t be jealous over you making love to him. You need to let him back into your life.”
* * * *
She went to the mental room and curled up in Rafe’s lap, his arms around her, and cried.
“Taz, baby, I love you, you know I do. I won’t lie and say I’m happy things are the way they are. But I am dead. I don’t have a body. You’re alive. You need a man who can love you who is alive.”
She started to think something, and he put a finger to her lips. “No. Don’t think that,” he whispered. He’d never admit that he’d had the same thought, of trying to find a way into Matthias’ mind. That wasn’t fair to his cousin. Matthias still had a life to live, and to take it away from him would make him no better than Caroline.
Rafael regretted making love to Taz, knowing she was now bonded to him in a way she wasn’t before. It would make it harder for her to say good-bye when the time came. It would also make it harder for her to reconnect with Matthias.
“You need to love him, Taz.”
“I’m afraid he’ll find you’re there.”
He held her. “Quit feeling guilty.”
“Easy for you to say.”
“No, not easy for me to say. I’ve known Matthias for hundreds of years, and if anyone should feel guilty, it’s me. I’m taking you from him, and he deserves better than that from me after all we’ve been through.”
“I can’t let him find out you’re here, Rafe. He might make me get rid of you.”
“Do you really think he can? Taz baby, you’re—”
“Don’t say it! God, I’m so sick of people saying that!”
“Well, you are. The strongest.” Rafe kissed the top of her head. “Love him, Taz. Let him make love to you. I know you love him, his blood runs through you. We never had that. Quit feeling guilty and love him. And quit worrying about me, I’ll take care of that. He won’t find me, won’t even know I’m here. I promise.”
“I feel like you’re giving me permission to cheat on you.”
He laughed. “We’re the ones cheating.” He held her left hand, the one with Matthias’ ring. “He wants to marry you. What can I give you besides some really good wet dreams and snappy conversation? Let’s face it, no matter what it feels like, you need a real, warm body in your bed.”
“But you’re alive.”
“No, I’m not.” He forced her to meet his eyes. “I’m not alive, and you know it.” He studied her face before speaking again. “Taz, baby,” he whispered, “love him. Love Matthias.”
“I want to love you.”
“You do love me, I know you do. I’ll always love you, too, but you must let Matthias back in because you love him. He is your future. You met him, loved him first. I’m your past.”
“I feel like I’ve always loved you.”
He hoped she didn’t try to read his thoughts. “Taz, let him love you.” He didn’t want to tell her the truth about her past with Matthias. Or with him. “I know you want him, and it’s okay, because that’s the way it’s supposed to be.”
* * * *
Taz rested her forehead against the steering wheel. “I don’t know what to do.”
“I have an idea.”
“What?”
Rafael told her, and she smiled, nodding. For once she could pull one over on Matthias, know something about him in advance, surprise him with so
mething just right.
“I like that.”
“Then quit sniffling and get off your beautiful ass and go get cleaned up. He’ll be home soon.” Rafe’s tone belied his words. “Now, go!”
“I’m going, I’m going!”
She ran back to the house and grabbed a quick shower. Rafael had finally stopped the playful, lewd comments during bath time. She threw some things into their overnight bags, grabbed her laptop, then hesitated.
No, no work. Not this trip.
She put it back, ran down to the ’65 Mustang, and threw their bags into the trunk. She made a couple of calls, then smiled as she sent Matthias a text message before pulling out onto Tarpon Springs Road.
* * * *
Matthias had been tempted to stay home since it was a Saturday, but wasn’t sure he could take yet another day of Taz trying to avoid him. Ever since their return from London she was changed, and not for the better. Despite her vehement denials, he suspected it had something to do with the executions. The irony was that through her impenetrable mental barrier she held against everyone—including him—she did seem somewhat less agitated and more stable than she had before.
Was that stability worth the vast emotional gulf now separating them?
After spending the morning in the office, he couldn’t take it anymore. He needed to confront her, not that he could force her to talk if she didn’t want to.
Not that anyone could force her to do anything she didn’t wish to do as strong as she was. He loved her beyond reason and felt helpless to find a way back to her heart. He sensed she loved him, yet the wall between them kept him at arm’s length.
Hadn’t he done just what his father warned him against so many centuries earlier? Despite his best intentions, by not being more patient and prudent, he triggered a landslide of events that resulted in his cousin dead and his love now estranged from him. Sleeping in the same bed every night, yes, but she might as well be a million miles away.
How could he ever make it up to her? Could he ever make it up to her?
Or was she yet another loss in his life, slipping through his fingers, helpless to hold her safe and close?
He felt his BlackBerry vibrate and almost ignored it. Work could wait. He needed to think about how to approach Taz, how to break the ice. Then again, maybe it was best to get whatever it was handled. At the next red light he glanced at the screen.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Catch me if you can. ;)
Matthias studied Taz’s text message until the light turned green and the driver behind him beeped their horn.
What is she up to?
Was this the break he’d been hoping for? Was she finally ready to let him back in?
He was still thirty minutes from home and fought the urge to press the gas pedal a little closer to the floor. When he pulled in he immediately noticed her ’65 Mustang was gone.
This didn’t feel bad, though. He had a feeling she was up to something.
Something good.
He went to their bedroom, noticed a few things were missing. He checked drawers.
She’d packed for two.
He took his BlackBerry out, thought about it, and sent her a text.
Do I get a hint?
* * * *
She was already south of Sarasota on I-75. What was the best way to do this? She’d taken out enough cash so she wouldn’t need to use credit cards and give it away too soon.
She thought about it, and between driving and texting, it took her several minutes to send the message.
Let’s see if you can catch me a little sooner than you caught your first wife. ;) If you want to be faster than my pony you need to fly to PARADISE.
* * * *
Matthias grinned, sat on their bed, and considered his next step. He called the executive airport and had the jet put on standby, then pondered his response.
I’m ready to take wing but need another hint.
* * * *
She completed her gas stop at Venice and smiled when she read his reply. She’d calculated the distance and her arrival time. Barring any unforeseen delays, she could be there before midnight.
No need to pack. I’d SQUARELY love to greet the true new day under the moon with you.
That would give him the time and, hopefully, place. Let’s see how good he was at puzzles. Truth be told, it had been Rafe’s idea. He assured her Matthias would figure it out.
* * * *
Matthias knew. Bolting for his car, he called Tim to let him know they wouldn’t be home for dinner.
Or the weekend, at least.
“Oh no. She didn’t run away again, did she?”
Matthias laughed. “No, Tim. This time, she wants to be caught.”
There was a slight pause. “She’s all right?”
“I think it’s safe to say she’s better than she’s been in a while.”
His next call was to the pilot, telling him their destination so he could file the flight plan. They were in the air thirty minutes later. Matthias sat back, closed his eyes, and smiled. She wanted him to chase her and catch her? That’s exactly what he’d do.
* * * *
She found her way to Mallory Square a little after eleven thirty that night. No sign of Matthias yet, and she didn’t want to probe to see if he was nearby or not.
That would be cheating.
She walked to the seawall and watched the moonlight dance on the water. She thought about looking for Rafe but knew he wanted her to spend this time focused on Matthias. He was right, she had to reconnect with him, no matter how painful that might be.
“I’m still here, Taz, but you won’t know it. I’m going on a little walkabout.”
She closed her eyes and met him in their room. “I love you.”
He put his arms around her. “I know you do. I love you, too. But you love him, and you need to be with him, not me. You know this is what’s right.”
She rested her head on his shoulder. “How do we not make love with you in my head?”
“You let him make love to you. He’s your man, not me. The big guy needs you.”
“Don’t you need me?”
“Sweetheart, I’m dead. D-E-A-D. Just because my soul’s still kicking doesn’t make a life together.” He tipped her chin and kissed her one last time. “Love him, Taz. Please. I feel bad enough as it is, like I’ve taken you away from him. You know how I feel, I know how you feel, that’s all that matters. So have a fun time, and once you’re home, I’ll catch up with you.”
She nodded, and with one final hug he walked toward a door that appeared in the wall. “Don’t worry, he won’t sense me in here. I’ve been wanting to do a little exploring.” He smiled. “Have fun.”
He left, and she opened her eyes and took a deep breath. He was right—she had enough guilt to last her a lifetime. She loved Matthias, missed him.
Wanted to be his wife if he’d still have her. Maybe now that her mental affair with Rafael was over, she could get on with life. With living.
There’d been no more text messages from Matthias. As the minutes crept closer to midnight, she feared maybe he didn’t know where he was supposed to go.
She looked at her BlackBerry and watched the minutes tick down. At 12:01 she turned and there he was, leaning against a palm tree, smiling.
She slipped her phone back into its holster and watched as he quickly covered the distance between them with long strides, scooping her up as she threw her arms around his neck and laughed.
“I caught you,” he whispered, kissing her. “So what do I win?”
She smiled. “Me.” She kissed him back.
* * * *
Twenty minutes later, they were in his room at the La Concha. He picked her up, spun her around, and kissed her.
“I love you so much, Taz.”
She stared into his eyes and didn’t think she imagined they darkened from their usual clear blue to the dark color of deep ocean water. “I had an idea. Not many men would jump on a plane
over a text message.”
He dropped her on the bed, pulled his shirt over his head without bothering to unbutton it first, and threw it to the floor.
She grinned. “In a hurry?”
“You have no idea.” He pounced, lifting her shirt and kissing her stomach while he worked on the button of her jeans. She ran her hands through his hair, closing her eyes, and enjoying the feel of his lips on her skin, his hot breath against her flesh. Something that Rafe couldn’t…
No. She was here with Matthias, and that’s where she wanted to be.
Matthias took his time working her jeans and panties down her hips, kissing every bared inch of flesh as he went. He sat up, sliding his hands under her shirt, lifting it over her shoulders.
She raised her arms to help him relieve her of it. He slowly skimmed his hands along her skin, making her shiver. Except when he reached her hands he grasped her wrists, pinned her arms over her head, and gently lowered himself onto her with most of his weight on his knees. She couldn’t move.
She didn’t mind. There was a second of fear followed by a sense of free fall as she realized her trust for him, her love, and that she knew he would never hurt her. Months ago she’d have gone batshit if a guy tried to hold her down like this. He’d be picking his gonads out of his back teeth after she kicked them up into him.
But Matthias…
She did trust him. She wanted him to do it. She felt the hard bulge of his cock pressing against her through his slacks, felt how ready he was, and she wanted him. His warm scent, deep and seductive and buzzing in her lungs, the promise of his salty skin against her tongue…
She wanted him to take her.
Reclaim her.
She now understood what Rafe tried to tell her, that she needed a living man in her bed. She closed her eyes and pressed herself against Matthias, enjoying the feel of his body against hers.
Rafe was right. As much as she loved Rafe and wanted to be with him, she could never really have him. Not anymore. She needed to stop clinging to a path that never could be and focus on the life ahead of her. She had to find a way to build her future with Matthias.