one thing that is likely to comfort her.
I sing the chorus of “Sleepyhead” to Abigail and her gaze is locked on my lips as I sing, as if she’s mesmerized. Her fingers curl around my tie and I can’t help but smile as she yanks it.
“Hiding with the stars. Put your dreams to bed.” I tap her nose as I whisper the last line of the chorus and, suddenly, she smiles.
And time stops.
I never got to see Abby’s smile when she was lying in the hospital bed two months ago. The way her lips curl up, showing me the same smile I’ve seen on Claire’s face a million times, makes me want to live in this moment forever.
Chapter Ten
Claire
My chest floods with a painful longing as I watch, and I realize I’m looking at the two people I love most in this world sharing the most beautiful moment I’ve ever witnessed.
I turn to Ira and the guarded smile he’s wearing tells me he knows what I’m feeling. “Is it okay if I take a picture?” I ask, looking back and forth between him and Chris to make sure I don’t miss anything.
“Go right ahead.”
I hastily pull my phone out of the pocket of my blazer. My hands shake as I open the photo app. Chris looks at me as I point my phone at him and Abigail. The look in his eyes is a mixture of joy and pain. Abigail reaches up and pokes him in the eye and he laughs, which makes her giggle and I seize the opportunity to snap the shot.
Taking one look at the photo on my phone of him in his suit and her with that glowing smile, I can’t hold back the tears anymore. Chris turns to me as Abigail continues to claw at his face and giggle; the most musical and precious giggle I’ve ever heard.
“You ready?” he asks. I nod, wiping away the tears because I don’t want to scare her. “I love you, princess,” he whispers in Abigail’s ear and I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from breaking down.
He hands her to me and I can smell her before I even touch her. She smells so soft and clean, so well taken care of. She looks uncertain about being handed off again so soon, but as soon as her soft, warm body is nestled against mine she scrunches up her nose and lets out a laugh that sounds almost like a cough. Then she smiles and I’m done.
I try to smile through my tears, but she’s a child, and children are the most emotionally responsive creatures on this Earth. She reaches up and places her hands on my cheek, her fingers curling clumsily around my flesh as she attempts to wipe my tears.
“I’m sorry, Abby,” I whisper. “I’m sorry I wasn’t the mom you needed.”
Chris rubs my back and it calms me a little. “Are you okay?”
I sniff loudly as I shake my head. “No, I am so not okay, but I will be,” I say as I turn to look him in the eye. “Thank you. Thank you so much for making this happen.”
I turn back to Abby, to really look at her, and I finally see her through the tears. She has Chris’s eyes, a rich dark brown that shines with joy. And one look at her fingers and I know she has his hands. Hands that have caressed me, carried me, and played me like a melody. Bringing her hand to my lips, I breathe in her sweet scent as a lay kiss on the soft palm of her hand.
“You’re a part of me that I will never forget. I love you so much,” I say as I look her in the eye. “I hope you can feel that and I hope you never forget it.”
I hand her to Chris just as the conference room door opens. I close my eyes and press my fingers into my eyelids so I can’t see as Lynette and Brian take her from Chris. As soon as I feel Chris’s hand on my back I turn into him and bury my face in his shoulder.
“It hurts so much.”
He wraps his arms around me and rubs my back. “I know, but I wouldn’t trade this pain for what I was feeling an hour ago. Not any day.”
I nod in agreement. I don’t know how long we stand there holding each other. It could be ten minutes, an hour, or a day. All I know is that when I finally let go, I can breathe. I can rest. I can live knowing that my baby girl is happy. Knowing that she felt my love.
“You ready to go?” he asks.
I can only imagine how horrible I look. Without even looking in a mirror, I can feel my face is puffy and all my makeup is smeared on his collar. I nod and he kisses my forehead before he lets me go. He begins to pull away from me, but I clutch the front of his coat desperately.
“Chris?”
He looks me straight in the eye as if he knows what I’m about to say. “Yes?”
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I love you.”
He closes his eyes and shakes his head as he lets out a breath he must have been holding for the past six weeks. He opens his eyes again and his gaze slides over my face, taking me in.
“I love you so fucking much,” he whispers, his voice tender and full of relief. “Let’s go home.”
By the time we’re sitting in the car, my certainty and resolve have solidified. I love Chris. I always have and I always will. All the memories we shared and the plans we made come rushing back to me as he pulls out of the parking lot. I think of the day we lay on the grass in Moore Square two years ago. We promised to love each other forever. Little did we know this was a promise we couldn’t break, even if we tried.
I think of the plans we made to grow old together. I was supposed to tour the world with him until we turned thirty. Then we were going to move out to the country and have at least three kids.
I close my eyes and imagine us, lying on the grass the way we did in Moore Square, but with our children lying next to us, the sun warming our skin and love melting our hearts. Maybe it’s a stupid dream. Maybe it will never happen. The important thing is that I want it. I never stopped wanting it. I open my eyes and I know I have to speak the words I’m thinking; the words I should have spoken months ago.
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For not giving up on me or Abigail. I gave up after that visit in the hospital, but you never gave up.” I take his hand in mine and squeeze. “I’m sorry I blamed you for not being there after I pushed you away. And, most of all, I’m sorry that I made you feel responsible for the mistakes I’ve made. I know you’ve done nothing but love me and forgive me and I repaid you by pushing you away again and again. I even tried to blame you for not knowing I needed you—like you were psychic. I was stupid. I’m so sorry.”
He’s silent as he focuses on the road ahead of us. Then, he turns quickly into an empty parking lot on our right and parks beneath the umbrage of an overgrown elm tree. He leaves the car on as he turns to me, his expression so serious I’m almost afraid of what he’ll say.
“Claire, you only did what you thought you had to do to survive. And I know you, possibly better than I know myself. I knew you’d come around. I knew you’d stop blaming me. But, more importantly, I know you’re going to stop blaming yourself. You need to forgive yourself more than you need my forgiveness.”
I nod as he brings my hand to his mouth and plants a soft kiss on my knuckles. He pulls my hand away from his lips and the smile on his face makes my heart flutter. Pulling his hand toward me, I lay it on my chest. We lock eyes and I feel the dark night pressing in on us, pushing us, whispering in my ear that everything is going to be okay.
I have Chris. He’s the only person strong enough to carry me. Chris is my rock. Always has been and always will be.
His gaze is ravenous as it falls on my lips, his chest heaving. Sliding my hand down, I unbuckle my seatbelt as he grabs the front of my dress in his fist and pulls me across the console. Our mouths crash into each other with cataclysmic force. I clutch his hair as I climb onto his lap. He grabs my face and tilts my head back so he can look at me.
“Do you finally understand how much I love you? That there is nothing I won’t do for you?” I nod as I hastily lean in to taste him again, but he holds my face firmly. “Slow down, babe,” he murmurs. “I’m not going anywhere.”
He slowly pulls my face to his and I close my eyes as I wait patiently for his lips to find me. His mouth lan
ds softly over mine and I tilt my head as I breathe in his scent and his presence. His tongue parts my lips and dips into my mouth and every nerve in my body pulses with my need for him.
He traces his tongue along my bottom lip and a soft whimper sounds in my throat. Then he plunges his tongue into my mouth again and, with every taste of his lips and every stroke of his tongue, I become more and more lost. His hands slide under my dress, caressing my thighs, and I lean my head back as he places his warm lips to my throat. His arms pull me tighter against him as he nips my neck with his teeth.
His fingers slide further up the back of my dress to unhook my bra.
Hastily, I peel off my blazer and dress then toss them, along with my bra, onto the passenger seat. He stares at my breasts for a moment before his fingers whisper over my ribs and he cups my breast in his hand. He bows his head and his eyes are locked on my face as his tongue traces a light circle around my nipple.
I slowly begin to unknot his tie. “You look so good in this suit.”
His hand slides into my panties, but his gaze burns into me as he watches my face to see my reaction. He caresses me gently as I slowly pull off his tie.
“Is this mine?” he asks as I grind my hips with the rhythm of his fingers.
“Yes.”
I reach for the button on his pants and he shakes his head as he pushes my hands away. “We’re not having sex here. I just want to watch you come.”
He eases his fingers inside me as his other hand grabs the back of my neck and pulls my head forward. He kisses me slowly as I rock my hips back and forth. His fingers slide out of me, scooping out my wetness, and I kiss him hungrily as he strokes my clit.
“Oh, Chris,” I moan, and I wrap my arms tightly around his neck as my body begins to tremble.
“Who do you belong to?” he growls as he kisses my neck.
“You,” I breathe, a searing heat building inside me. “I belong to you.”
The orgasm comes suddenly and hard and I bite down on his collar, which still tastes like my tears.
“You’ll always belong to me,” he insists. “I love you, babe, but don’t you ever put me through what you put me through these past three months.”
Taking his face in my hands, I kiss him as he slides his hand out of my panties. Without breaking contact with my lips, he grabs my blazer off the passenger seat and drapes it over my shoulders. Wrapping his arms around my waist, he pulls me tightly against his chest. I hold his face firmly as I attempt to show him with this kiss that he will never have to worry about losing me again.
Chapter Eleven
Adam
This is the second time I’ve had to have a difficult conversation with Claire in the past two months. The kind of conversation that could break us, for good, and my stomach is in knots as I stare at my phone. I go over what needs to be said, overthinking my words and rethinking my priorities. I’ve seen Claire three times in the past two months, and I’d be lying if I said I still feel the same passion for Claire that I felt five weeks ago when I surprised her at Cora’s apartment.
I look back on the time I spent with Claire and I’m stunned at how much love we were able to pack into an eight-week relationship. There is no question that I love Claire, but I don’t see us surviving all the obstacles we’ve encountered. I have to go to Australia in March. I’m not giving up surfing again. And I have three competitions between now and March, all of which I’ll have to travel overseas for. Claire needs someone who refuses to leave her.
I asked her last week if Chris was going back on tour and she said he’d rescheduled the tour for the summer. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out he did it for her. I feel like an idiot for not seeing this coming. I’ve been so obsessively focused on getting Claire back; I never stopped to think about what was going on in her life. I never stopped to think about her needs.
Just sitting here in my apartment thinking about this makes me sick to my stomach as I realize I’m about to do to Claire what she did to Chris last year.
I dial her number and my heart pounds harder with every ring. She finally answers just as I’m about to hang up.
“Adam.”
Hearing her say my name, not as a question but as a statement, makes me nervous. Like she has something she wants to tell me and she’s been waiting for me to call.
“Claire, can you talk?”
It’s Tuesday, the day after she was supposed to see Abigail, so I know she just got out of class an hour ago. Sometimes, she’ll ask me to call her back later because she’s studying, but something tells me that she’s not going to do that today.
“Yeah, I’m actually just walking down the path toward your apartment. What number are you in? 14?”
Fuck!
“You’re here?”
My eyes dart toward the corner of the living room, right next to my drafting table, where Lindsay is crouched on the floor, unbuckling Kaia from her car seat. I promised Lindsay I’d watch Kaia today while she goes on a job interview. I’ve never actually babysat an infant, but the idea of Lindsay leaving Kaia with a babysitting service or a neighbor filled me with all sorts of conflicted feelings—mainly fear.
“Just stay where you are and I’ll meet you outside,” I blurt into the phone as I leap over the coffee table and rush toward the front door.
“I’m already here,” Claire says as the doorbell rings.
Lindsay looks back at me over her shoulder as she scoops Kaia out of the car seat. “Who’s that?”
In the span of about one second, multiple scenarios play out in my mind. I can meet Claire outside the apartment and talk to her there, but it’s raining so that would seem very odd. I can ask Lindsay to hide in my bedroom, but that would be even more awkward since she’s leaving for her job interview in a few minutes. I guess I’ll have to introduce Claire and Lindsay to each other and hope for the best.
“It’s Claire,” I say as I reach for the doorknob.
Opening the door, the sight of Claire makes my stomach twist. She’s dressed in a beautiful blue dress, some tights, and knee-high brown boots. She’s shaking out her black umbrella and all I can think of is how I was once Claire’s umbrella, her shelter from the storm. But, once again, I’m about to become the rain.
She looks up from her umbrella, but she doesn’t smile. “Do you have a minute?”
I want to say, “For you, I have infinite minutes,” but that would be weird with Lindsay standing just a few feet behind me.
“Yeah, of course. You didn’t tell me you were coming over,” I say as I open the door wider for her to come in.
As soon as she steps over the threshold, bringing with her the smell of rain and soft perfume, she and Lindsay see each other. I hold my breath as I wait for one of them to say something.
Lindsay is dressed in a pencil skirt and a blazer—interview clothes—as she cradles six-week old Kaia. I can only imagine what this must look like to Claire who still knows nothing about the paternity scare in Hawaii.
“Lindsay, this is Claire. Claire this is Lindsay… and Kaia.”
I try not to sound nervous, but that’s pretty much impossible right now.
Claire smiles at Lindsay then turns to me. “Am I interrupting something?”
“No, Lindsay was just dropping off Kaia. She has a job interview.”
I feel like I should clarify that Kaia is not my child, but I can’t bring myself to say those words. Even though Kaia isn’t my biological daughter, I feel like saying this aloud will give Lindsay the impression that I don’t feel a connection to Kaia. And, as much as I didn’t want this to happen, I can’t deny this girl has burrowed her way into my heart with those tiny fingers.
Lindsay holds out her hand to Claire. “Nice to meet you, Claire.” They shake hands and Lindsay turns to me. “Are you sure you’re okay to watch her alone?”
I don’t know if she’s trying to imply that she doesn’t want Claire to hang out with me while I’m watching Kaia, but I highly doubt Claire will want to hang out aft
er I say the things I’ve been planning to say to her.
“I’m fine,” I say, reaching for Kaia. “Give her here.”
Lindsay smiles as she kisses Kaia’s forehead then hands her over. The look on Claire’s face is pure confusion and heartbreak as she watches me take Kaia into my arms. Fuck. She’s probably thinking of Abigail.
“Sorry I can’t hang out. I’ve heard so much about you,” Lindsay says to Claire as she squeezes past her then turns to me. “I should be back in an hour or two. She just took a nap; so don’t let her fall asleep. I need her to sleep tonight.”
“Got it,” I reply. “Good luck.”
I close the front door as Lindsay takes off. The sound of rain and Kaia’s gurgles punctuate the silence as Claire stares at Kaia.
“Is she… yours?”
I shake my head, still not able to verbalize this denial. “She’s Lindsay and Nathan’s, but Nathan decided to ditch Lindsay a few weeks ago, so I’ve been helping her out while she tries to find a job.”
“Is that why she called you when we were at the game?”
“Yeah, come on in and sit down.” I nod toward the living room, which looks very similar to my living room in Wrightsville, except for the glass doors that lead off onto a patio; huge glass doors where the light pours in when it’s not raining.
Claire appears conflicted as she takes a seat on the sofa where I once gave her multiple orgasms. Trying not to grin, I think of the time I made her scream so loudly that Cora made Tina come upstairs to my apartment and check on us. I can only imagine how embarrassing that was for Tina.
“Well, I came because you said you had something to talk to me about. I have something I need to talk to you about, too.”
She keeps looking at Kaia with hesitation and I feel like, before I say anything, I need to know how her visit with Abigail went.
“First tell me how everything went last night.”
She looks down at her hands in her lap and smiles, the kind of smile that makes me think that it went very well.
“She is so beautiful,” she says, and her voice is barely louder than a whisper. “I wish I hadn’t cried in front of her, but I couldn’t help myself. She’s perfect. It was the best and worst moment of my life, but I’m still on a high from it.”
She looks up from her lap and the smile on her face is unlike any smile I’ve ever seen.
“You look so happy.”
“I am.”
Kaia’s fingers grab onto the front of my shirt and I look down at her round eyes and dainty nose. She looks so much like Lindsay. Even the way she’s drooling reminds me of all the times Lindsay would drool on my chest while we slept. I miss that closeness; that security of going to sleep knowing you’ll always wake up with the person you love right next to you.
Then it dawns on me that Claire came here to talk to me unannounced instead of waiting for me to call her, like we had agreed. Suddenly, I have a feeling that I wasn’t the only one with some bad news to bear.
“Why did you come here?” I ask. “Not that I don’t want you here, but I thought I was supposed to call you.”
She turns away from me and glances around the apartment before she answers. Then she reaches into her purse and my heart stops. I was right.
She pulls her hand out of the purse and holds it out to me, palm up, so I can see the promise ring I gave her six weeks ago. I turn back to Kaia because I don’t want to look at it. It fills me with shame to think that I lost, even if I was prepared to give up five minutes ago.
“I’m sorry, Adam.”
“You don’t have to apologize.”
“Yes, I do. Please look at me.”
I look her in the eye because I don’t want to look at the ring. “I don’t want the ring. It’s yours. It’s not like I’m going to give it to someone else.”
“I can’t take it.”
“You mean you don’t want to take it.”
Her fingers curl around the ring as she makes a fist. “Adam, I’m sorry I brought you into this mess, but I’m not sorry about the time we spent together. I’ll always cherish that and I’ll always be grateful that you were there for me when I needed someone. You will always own a piece of me. But this is a piece of you that I can’t keep.”
She sets the ring on the coffee table and pulls her purse into her lap.