“Every single day.”
“And when you embarked on a sexual relationship with him again that became more difficult?”
“Yes.” A thousand times, yes.
“In your analogy, you tried to be impenetrable. What changed?”
Everything.
“He asked me to open the door.”
I wake up to tingling, down low and insistent. Then I register lips on my neck, hands on my breasts, hardness pressing into my butt, and I realize . . .
Ethan met me at the airport.
Ethan asked if we could try again.
Ethan told me he loved me.
After he begged me to take him back while he was inside me, Ethan told me he would stay the night, so he could make love to me in the morning.
Well, it’s morning and . . . he didn’t leave. Didn’t get scared. And he seems intent on making good on his promise.
I’m encouraged, especially by the way he’s holding me. It’s like he’s been wrapped around me all night and has been holding himself back from touching me like this.
He continues to kiss and suck. I reach behind me and wind my fingers through his hair. When he gently bites my shoulder, I make a mental note to always be woken up this way.
He makes a low desperate sound as he continues to grind against me, and I want him so much it’s getting uncomfortable.
“Good morning,” I say, my voice hoarse.
“Hmm.” His lips vibrate against me as he trails one hand down my stomach, then lower to press against where the tingling is the strongest. I arch into him, and with a minimum of repositioning, he slowly pushes into me.
I hold my breath. The sensation is too much. Then I let out a long moan as he exhales against my shoulder.
When we’re fully joined, he says, “Now it’s a good morning.”
Then he proceeds to completely redefine how good a morning can be.
Twice.
Dr. Kate writes in her notebook and asks, “So, you took him back?”
“Yes.”
She studies the way I cross and recross my legs. “Was that a hard decision?”
I uncross again and sit with my hands on my knees. “Yes and no. I’d missed him so much, it was a relief to finally let myself have him.”
“But . . . ?”
“But . . .” This is hard. I’ve spent so long hiding from these feelings, it seems too raw to talk about them.
“Do you need a moment?”
“No, I’m okay.” I take a deep breath. “From the get-go, I was cautious. I was looking for the old him, but at first, he was nowhere to be found.”
He doesn’t go home. Thursday night. Friday. Friday night. Saturday.
Apart from one trip to buy food, he doesn’t get dressed. Barely leaves my side.
He cooks for me. Naked. His skill in the kitchen is almost as mind-blowing as his skill in the bedroom, and that’s saying something.
On Saturday night, he takes me to a movie. Buys my ticket and everything. Holds my hand and acts like a real boyfriend. It’s kind of strange but nice. I don’t let myself enjoy it too much, in case it’s just a passing fad. I mean, we’ve been here before and look how that turned out.
I really hope this time is different.
As soon as the lights go down, he leans over and kisses me. Within ten minutes, my hand is on his crotch, and his mouth is on my neck, and we leave just as things start exploding onscreen.
I resist fanning my face.
“It sounds like your prolonged emotional distance led to your reunion being quite . . . intense.”
“You could say that.” We couldn’t get enough of each other. It was thrilling.
“And then?”
“And then . . .” I look down at my hands. “We had to stop being alone and start being around other people.”
“And that was a problem?”
“It was the start of our problems, yes.”
On Sunday night, we know our little cocoon can’t last much longer. We have to shower soon and get ready to pick up Ruby from the airport. She doesn’t know we’re back together. I can only imagine how thrilled she’s going to be. Also, classes start back tomorrow, so Ethan has to sleep in his own bed tonight.
All the bits of reality we’ve been ignoring are starting to press their pointy edges into our delicate bubble. I’m tense. It’s quite an accomplishment given the amount of orgasms I’ve experienced this weekend.
I press myself against him, and listen to his heartbeat. “What are we going to do tomorrow?”
“What do you mean?”
“At school.”
His heart rate stays reasonably steady. I’m surprised. I trace a pattern on his chest. He hovers his hand over mine, fingertips brushing my knuckles.
“Well, call me crazy, but I thought we might go to class. You know . . . learn stuff. Get good at acting. Perhaps even graduate.”
“You know what I mean.”
He rolls me under him and frames my face with his hands. He’s heavy, but I like the weight. It’s somehow reassuring. Like he’s all here and not half somewhere else.
“Well, if you’re asking if I think we should hide that we’re together, then no. I want every guy at that school to know. Maybe then they’ll stop sniffing around like a bunch of horny mongrels.”
“No one sniffs around me,” I say as I stroke his back.
He snorts. “Sure, they don’t.”
“Who?”
He kisses my cheek. My jaw. My neck. “Everyone. Every prick-wielding cock jockey at that school wants a piece of you. Lucas, Avery, Boring Nick, that weird kid that looks like Matt Damon. They’re always making comments they think I don’t hear. And don’t even get me started on fucking Connor—”
“Oh, I see.”
He stops kissing me. “What?”
“This is about Connor.”
He kisses back up from my neck to my face. “He’s a douchebag.”
“No, he’s not. He’s never made sexual comments about me.”
“Exactly. That’s the problem.” He leans on his elbow and brushes my hair away from my face. “I can cope with all those other dicks talking about how much they want to sleep with you, because that’s all it is: talk. But Bain? He wants more. He genuinely likes you.”
He says it with so much disdain, I laugh. “That bastard! I can see why you hate him so much.”
He smiles and shakes his head. “Oh, you can laugh, but every time you two talk, he gets an expression on his face that makes me want to punch him. He’s crushing on you big time, and I swear to God, he needs to stop.”
He goes quiet, but I see the cogs of his brain turning. I trace his eyebrows, trying to get them to unfurrow.
“Ethan, I’m not interested in Connor. I’m interested in you.”
It feels strange to reassure him. It used to come so easily to me, but now the words scrape like sandpaper in my throat. Still, it must work because his attention is now fully back on me.
He lifts an eyebrow. “How interested?”
He cups my breast. Gently rubs his thumb across the nipple. I inhale, quick and shallow.
“Very.” It’s getting hard to breathe. He does this so easily it’s scary.
He bends to kiss the swell in his hand. Soft lips. Open mouth. “Tell me again how much you missed me over the summer.”
I try to form words. “I missed you a lot.” Too much. Don’t make me regret it.
The other breast isn’t forgotten. He’s just as gentle there. “On a scale of one to touching-yourself-and-picturing-my-face?”
“It was up there.” I grip his hair, needing more.
“How high?” He adds teeth. Just a little. Just enough.
I arch, and my voice is tight as I say, “It hovered around I-missed-you-so-much-I-renamed-Buzz-
Ethan.”
He comes back up to my face. “Good. Just the right amount, then.”
I kiss him, and he pushes between my legs as he breathes hard against my lips.
“Do you see what you do to me?”
He kisses me, deep and slow, then moves down to where my neck meets my shoulder.
“I’m thinking if I use my tongue in exactly the right way, I can give you a hickey that reads, ‘Cassie belongs to Ethan. Step the fuck off.’”
He starts sucking, and I squeal. “Ethan Holt! Don’t you dare give me a hickey!”
“Shhh. I need to concentrate to get this right.”
“Ethan!” He sighs and rolls off me, and I laugh when I see the massive tent that is now formed above his crotch.
“Oh yeah, sure. Laugh at what you do to me then negate all efforts to show other guys you’re mine. That’s fair.”
I kiss him and reach under the covers to address his problem. He inhales as I wrap my fingers around him, then pushes down the sheet so he can watch.
“We were broken up for over a year,” I say. “If I’d wanted other guys, don’t you think I would have had them?”
He pants in time with the rhythm of my hand.
“You dated Nick.”
“Barely. You had nothing to be jealous of.”
He presses his head into the pillow. “He kissed you at that party. I had everything to be jealous of.”
“Yeah, well, you made up for it later that night, didn’t you?”
“God, yes.” I don’t know if he’s answering my question or reacting to my increasing pace. Doesn’t matter. He closes his eyes, and the conversation’s over.
For long minutes I watch his face as I bring him pleasure. How he could possibly be jealous of any other man, I’ll never know. I get that he has issues about being adopted, as well as his track record with women, but how does he honestly not understand just how incredible he is?
When I was in high school, I remember a friend of mine confided that her boyfriend didn’t think she was pretty. I couldn’t understand that. When you love someone, they should appear beautiful to you, no matter what they look like.
As I watch Ethan’s face, I realize he might be insecure about other guys because he doesn’t love himself enough.
As if to illustrate my point, he arches his back and lets out a long moan as he comes, and in that moment, he’s the most beautiful, sexy, magnificent man on the planet.
To me, anyway.
Dr. Kate pauses, no doubt picking up on my building tension.
“Did you ever talk to Ethan about his self-esteem issues?”
I rub my eyes. “No. Not really.” I should have, but I didn’t.
“But you reassured him on occasion?”
“Yes. Probably not enough.”
“To people with low self-esteem, it’s hard to ever give enough reassurance. How much would Ethan have to give you now to make you believe you were special?”
I’ve lost track of how much reassurance he’s given me since he’s been back. “I see your point.”
“So,” says Dr. Kate as she leans back in her chair. “When you got back together, Ethan was happy to be open about your relationship?”
“Yes.”
“How did you feel about that?”
Partly relieved, but mostly . . . “It made me nervous. I just wasn’t confident this time would be any different.”
“What about your friends? Were they supportive or did they try to steer you away?”
“I’m sure they all thought we were insane, but at the time their judgment was a small price to pay.”
The closer we get to the drama block, the more tense I become.
Everyone saw what we went through when Ethan and I broke up the first time. When they notice we’re back together, I’m sure they’re going to think we’re the biggest idiots on the planet for trying again.
I wouldn’t entirely disagree with them.
Ethan squeezes my hand. “You okay?”
“Yeah. Fine. You?”
“Great. Never better.”
We’re both lying, and we know it.
As we approach the building, I see most of our class congregating near the benches, chatting, laughing, and smoking. Zoe’s the first to see us walking hand in hand. Her mouth drops open. She pats Phoebe, who turns to look. Within a few seconds they’re all staring at us.
“Hey, guys,” I say as we stop in front of them. “Have a good summer?”
“I had an awesome summer,” Jack says with his trademark smirk. “I got back together with the ex-girlfriend I dumped more than a year ago because I’m a miserable fuck who never stopped pining for her. Oh, wait, that was you, Holt, wasn’t it?”
Everyone laughs, and the tension breaks, and for once I’m grateful for Avery’s big mouth. Even Ethan smiles.
The only person not smiling is Connor.
He turns away a second too late to hide his incredulity.
“Connor was a friend of yours?”
“Yes.”
She cocks her head to the side. “Why do I get the feeling there’s more to Connor than you’re telling me?”
I look down. Of all of my misguided attempts to forget about Ethan, I regret Connor the most.
“He was more. After Ethan, we were . . . lovers. For a time.”
Dr. Kate makes an understanding noise. “Revenge lovers?”
I nod. I still can’t think about how I treated him without being consumed by shame.
“You ended things, I take it?” Dr. Kate asks quietly.
“Yes. I know I hurt him, but it was for the best.”
“But in drama school, you never . . . ?”
“No. We were just friends, but I knew he liked me.”
“Was Connor resentful of that?”
I remember how supportive Connor had been after the breakup, and how that had changed after Ethan and I got back together. “I guess. He was never nasty about it though. Just . . . protective.”
“Ethan wouldn’t have appreciated that, I’m sure.”
“Not at all.”
A hand presses into the small of my back.
“So you really took him back? After what he did to you?”
This is the first time Connor’s spoken to me all day. I grab a sandwich and move forward in the cafeteria line.
“It’s complicated, Connor.”
“I bet.”
He grabs a drink and falls into line beside me. “Just promise me you’ll be careful.” He glances over at Ethan, who’s sitting with the rest of our group. “The second he starts giving you warning signs, get out. Seeing you get hurt again would . . . well, that’d suck, okay?”
“Maybe it’ll work out this time.”
He gives a short laugh. “Yeah. Maybe.”
Ethan looks over, and when he sees us together, his expression goes dark.
Connor sighs. “Why do I get the feeling you and I won’t be allowed to be friends anymore?”
We pay for our stuff and head over to the table. As we approach, Ethan stands and puts his arms around me. Then he kisses me, long and deep, right in front of Connor. It couldn’t be more obvious he was staking his claim unless he stapled a large property of ethan holt banner to my back like a cape.
Connor rolls his eyes and sits next to Zoe. Ethan sits and pulls me onto his lap.
Everyone else seems oblivious, but all through lunch, the weight of the tension between the two men on either side of me sits squarely in the middle of my chest.
“So the conflict between Ethan and Connor escalated when you got back together?”
I sigh. “Yes. I mean, they never really liked each other, but at least they used to pretend.”
“You said ‘they all’ thought you were insane, earlier. Who else gave you a hard
time?”
“My roommate, Ruby.”
“She didn’t like Ethan?”
“No. She saw what I went through the first time, and I guess my bitterness rubbed off on her. When we first got back together, she was sort of . . . intolerant.”
“Ethan! Get out of the fucking bathroom! You take longer than a girl!”
Ruby bangs on the door and grunts in frustration.
“Why does your goddamn boyfriend take so long in the shower?” she asks as she plonks down next to me on the sofa. “It’s not like he needs to whack off anymore. You two are constantly fucking.”
“He just likes long showers, I guess.”
“Fucking prima donna.”
“Ruby, be nice.”
“I am being nice. Being nasty would be going into the kitchen and turning on the hot water.”
Her face lights up with mischief.
“Ruby . . . no.”
She laughs and runs into the kitchen. I hear the faucet running for about three seconds before there’s a manly bellow from the bathroom.
“Fucking goddamn sonofabitch!”
I sigh. It’s like living with children.
Ethan appears in the doorway, dripping wet, towel draped around his waist, his expression like a storm cloud.
“Where is she?”
Ruby pokes her head out of the kitchen. “Who? Me?”
He glares at her. She smiles sweetly.
“Stop being a pain in my ass.”
“Okay, as soon as you stop dating my best friend.”
“Hardly the same thing.”
“Wrong. You dating Cassie is a giant pain in my ass.”
“Get used to it.”
“For how long? Until you dump her again? Are we talking weeks or months here?”
I glare at her.
Ethan clenches his jaw and stays silent. Then he stalks into the bedroom and slams the door.
Ruby deflates at the same time as my anger flares.
“What the hell, Ruby?”
“I’m sorry, he just . . . I shouldn’t have said that.”
“Can’t you give him a break?”
“I don’t want him to hurt you again.”
“Neither do I.”
“And I know you think he’s changed, or whatever, but I don’t trust him. Do you?”