“Smart,” he told me. “Don’t make a decision too fast. Explore. That’s the fun of being young, you know, discovery. If you don’t have fun now, when will you, I always say. What do you think?”
I shrugged.
“I guess,” I said.
“You guess right,” he said.
Charlotte Lily’s house was a large, two-story colonial-style home, all gated.
“We can’t drink too much of Daddy’s booze,” she said before opening the door. “He measures the bottles.”
“Just put in some water and he’ll never know the difference,” Wyatt suggested.
Charlotte Lily laughed.
“I’ve done that already,” she said.
The house was as impressive inside as it was outside. She wanted us to stay in the living room-den area and immediately put on some music that came through speakers in every room. Then she and Birdy prepared drinks, measuring the vodka and gin carefully and replacing it with water.
“It’s too bright in here,” Wyatt told Charlotte Lily. “Can’t you do something about that?”
“Sure,” she said, and turned the lights down very low.
“Dance?” Wyatt asked me when the music became slower. I looked over at Axel and Kathy Ann. They were already kissing. “C’mon, show me those Ohio moves,” Wyatt teased, getting up and pulling on my hand.
“I don’t have any moves,” I said. He put his arm around my waist and tightened it so that I was practically attached to his hip. Then I felt his lips on my neck. I jerked back, but he held on firmly.
“Easy,” he said. “We’re just getting to know each other.”
“I know enough,” I said sharply.
“What you need is a little more to drink. You’ve got to loosen up,” he advised, and handed me the drink that had been prepared for me. He tried to lift my hand to bring the glass to my mouth as if he was feeding a child.
“No,” I said. “I don’t need it.”
“You need it,” he retorted sharply.
Axel and Kathy Ann got up and went into the den. Charlotte Lily had already taken Birdy out and up to her bedroom, I imagined. Everything was happening so fast.
“C’mon,” Wyatt urged, “get with it.”
He put his arm around me and sat me on the sofa, bringing his lips to my neck while he fumbled with the buttons of my blouse so he could slip his hand under it to cup my breast while he pressed his lips to mine and then put his weight against me, driving me back.
“Now, that’s better,” he whispered, his breath reeking with the odor of his alcohol.
His hands were like spider legs, going everywhere. He had my jeans undone with his right hand while his left went over my hip. In a matter of seconds, he would have me half naked, I realized, and panic set in. I wasn’t going to end up like Mother darling.
“No,” I insisted, and pushed him so hard, he spun and fell to the floor.
“Whaaa,” he cried.
I leaped up, zipped my pants closed, and rushed to the front door.
“Hey!” he called after me. “Where are you going?”
I didn’t know where I was going, only out. Once on the street, I ran for half a block and then walked quickly to where we had gotten off the bus. Confused and lost, I realized I was sobbing. I clutched at the money Mother darling had given me and I hoped to see a taxicab. Maybe I had enough to get back to Cory’s apartment.
The streets here looked empty, however, and I walked and walked for some time before I recognized the downtown area where we had been. Then I saw the side street we had taken to go to see Keefer Dawson. I strolled down it and saw the lights were still lit in the shop. Maybe he could give me directions on how to get back, I thought.
When I entered, I didn’t see him or anyone else for a few moments. Then I heard, “Hey?”
He was sitting back on what was once an easy chair but now had no legs. Its stuffing leaked out of the torn arms.
“What are you doing here? Where’s Charlotte Lily?” he asked.
“She’s home. I was hoping you could tell me how I can get back to my apartment.”
He sat up quickly.
“You just left her.”
“You can say that,” I said, and he smiled.
“What happened?”
“One of her college boyfriends thought I was going to be his good time tonight.”
His smile widened.
“C’mon,” he said, standing. “I’ll take you back in Izzy’s pickup.”
“You don’t have to do that,” I said.
“I’m not doing it because I have to,” he replied.
5
Sinking Deeper into the Dark
A hate being dishonest with someone who bares his soul so willingly and is so trusting with his emotions, but Mother darling’s fears and dreams weighed heavily on my mind, and I was afraid she would think I had betrayed her if I told the truth. Keefer just started to talk frankly about himself. It was as if he had not found anyone to talk to before he met me.
“My daddy drinks a lot,” he began. “And he gets real mean when he’s drunk. I have a scar on my right leg from the time he hit me with the broken end of a beer bottle. He threw it across the room. I was about seven.”
“What about your mother?”
“She’s what they call a manic depressive. Ever hear of that?”
I shook my head.
“She goes up and down. Sometimes she gets so depressed she won’t come out of her bedroom all day, not even to eat. Can’t blame her, being married to him.”
“Do you have any brothers or sisters?”
“I have a sister, Sally Jean, but she ran off with her boyfriend about two years ago. She had good reason to get away from my father, even better reason than I have,” he said, his eyes growing small and dark. “She’s out in Texas and once in a while, she sends me a postcard. One of these days, I might join her,” he added wistfully. Then he turned to me and said, “I’m one who knows it’s not easy to be on your own, so I can appreciate what you and your sister have been going through. I hope she does well here.”
“Thank you,” I said in a small voice. Guilt made me feel like I was taking a bath in dirty old engine oil.
“But just know that Nashville’s so full of people dreaming of stardom, you can smell fantasy in the air,” he warned.
We were both quiet until he turned into the apartment complex.
“The apartment seemed farther by bus,” I said.
“Yeah, with the stops and all, it would.”
“Thank you very much,” I told him after opening the door.
“No problem. Next time you’re downtown, stop by if you want. I’ll show you how to pull a ding out of a car door.”
I laughed and got out slowly. He waved and then shifted and backed up. I watched him drive off before heading for the stairs to the upstairs apartments. It was nearly twelve-thirty and I was anticipating Mother darling’s rage. Instead, I was surprised to find no one home and even more surprised to find the door unlocked. Was it just that there was nothing here anyone would want to steal?
At least I had the bathroom to myself for a while. Afterward, I got into bed and realized the sheets and the blanket smelled like they’d been made in a cigarette factory. The stench nearly choked me. I decided to put my clothes back on and not use the blanket. I put one of my skirts over the pillow and finally, after tossing and turning for an hour, fell asleep, only to be awakened by the sound of laughter. It was just Mother darling and Cory, but they made enough noise for a half-dozen people. I heard Cory say, “Told you this would be easier here.”
“I’d better check on Robin and be sure she’s come home,” Mother darling told him.
I decided to pretend I was in a deep sleep. She opened the door and stood there so long, I thought she didn’t believe I was asleep. Finally, she closed it. I heard them giggling and then, a little while later, I heard them in his bedroom. It wasn’t hard to realize what they were doing. Mother darling kept trying to
get him to be quieter.
“What for? Robin Lyn surely knows what it’s all about, and if she don’t, it’s time she did,” he said.
I tried burying my head in the pillow, but the odor of cigarettes was too much to endure. It wasn’t until they fell asleep that I did. I was up ahead of them in the morning, which suited me fine because I was able to take a shower and get dressed before Mother darling and Cory woke. At least, that was what I had hoped.
I was positive I had pushed in the little button on the doorknob that would lock it, but just a few seconds after I had gotten under the water in the tub shower, I heard the door opening and screamed at the sight of Cory, naked himself, stumbling his way toward the toilet. For a moment I thought he didn’t even realize I was there, despite the sound of the shower and my scream. He just began to urinate.
I pulled the flimsy shower curtain around me.
“I’m taking a shower!” I screamed.
“You gotta go when you gotta go,” he mumbled.
When he was finished, he turned to go, but paused at the door and said, “Don’t forget to wash behind your ears.” He closed the door on his laughter.
Flushed with embarrassment and anger, I turned off the shower and dried myself. As soon as I was dressed, I charged out of the bathroom. They were both still in bed.
“Mother!” I called at the closed door.
There was a long moment of silence and then I heard, “Call me Kay, damn it.”
“Kay, I need to see you right now.”
I heard her groan. I waited and waited until she finally opened the door and peered out at me.
“What?”
“I was in the bathroom. I had the door shut and I thought locked and he just came in while I was in the shower and… and went to the bathroom.”
“Next time be sure you lock the door,” she said.
“It doesn’t work and he saw it was closed and I had the shower running. He had to know I was in there.”
“He had to go,” she told me. “Don’t make a big deal of it,” she said. “We have to get some sleep. We’ve already gotten a job and we start tonight,” she added, and closed the door.
My face felt like my blood was boiling just under my skin. I started toward their bedroom door again and then stopped and returned to my room to fume. After a few minutes, I came out and saw that Cory and she had been quite wild and drunk last night. Clothes were strewn everywhere in the already disheveled-looking living room. I thought for a moment, and then I went to his pants and pulled out his wallet. There were three twenties, a ten, a five, and five singles in it. I took the three twenties and put the wallet back.
“That’s your fine for being disrespectful,” I muttered at the door, and left the apartment.
I didn’t get too far before I heard a door open and my name called. Kathy Ann was standing in the doorway of her family’s apartment. She was dressed in a robe, and her hair looked like a family of rats had run through it. I debated just ignoring her, but she kept beckoning. As I approached, she stepped out of her apartment and closed the door most of the way.
“What happened to you last night? I didn’t even know you had left. How did you get home? I had a great time,” she told me before I could offer a single answer.
“Good for you,” I said.
“Axel can speak a little Spanish. His family has a Spanish maid. He was impressed with what I already knew.”
“Sounds like a match made in heaven,” I said dryly, but she was on a happy roll and either ignored or didn’t see my disinterest.
She looked at me with a smile smeared across her lips like cake frosting.
“What?” I finally asked.
“We did it,” she said. “I mean, I did it.”
“It’s not like running the four-minute mile or something, Kathy Ann. You don’t get a medal.”
Her smile faded.
“Don’t you want to hear about it?” She looked like she was going to burst into tears.
“All right,” I said with great effort. “What happened?”
“He was very gentle and considerate and first announced and showed me he had protection.”
“I’m glad of that,” I said.
“Still, I was afraid. He told me he understood, that it was like the first time he had to be a linebacker on a college football team and had to bang heads with a guy just as big as he was if not bigger. He said it was like knowing you were going to run into a wall, but you had to go ahead anyway.”
“Yeah, that sounds just like making love,” I muttered.
“He meant every time you do something new, you are nervous. I thought that was sweet, his sharing his fear with me. He’s so big and strong, it was hard to believe anything could frighten him.”
“It is hard to believe,” I said.
“Anyway, I closed my eyes and held my breath and it was just as wonderful as Charlotte Lily told me it would be. After a little pain, I mean. Axel said he would call me every time he comes into the city.” She leaned toward me to add in a whisper, “He’s really not supposed to be so wild and active. He’s in training.”
“It’s nice of him to put you before football.”
“I thought so,” she said.
I stared at her. Are we all like this at one time or another? I wondered. Do we all wear blinders, deliberately ignore the truth just to hold on to one of our fantasies? Is that what was happening to Mother darling, still happening? What can be the final result? Only a great fall, I thought, great disappointment, and from that, bitterness and cynicism. We would be like the fox in the story one of my teachers told, the fox who couldn’t reach the grapes and then said they were probably sour anyway. Sincere happy smiles would become so rare, we would wonder if it was our faces we saw reflected.
“Where are you going?” Kathy Ann asked.
“I’m going shopping,” I said. “I need some new clothes.”
“Can you wait? I’ll go with you. I love shopping, even when it’s someone else doing it.”
I’m not sure what department store to go to anyway, I thought. She would know.
“Okay, but don’t take too long.”
She hurried back into her apartment and I went to the faded brown bench that was near the empty swimming pool. I heard another door close and saw a woman holding the hand of a little boy and a little girl. They looked close enough in age to be twins. The woman paused to fix the little boy’s collar, and then she kissed him on the cheek and he smiled. As if she could sense her daughter’s envy, she turned, brushed her hair, and kissed her as well. Then the three walked to the parking lot, an aura of happiness and contentment surrounding them.
That’s what love really is, I thought, a thick cocoon that helps you feel safe, secure, and most of all, cherished.
For a moment I actually missed Grandpa and Grandma. Despite his hard, critical eyes, there were moments when the three of us sat and watched television or ate a meal together and I felt like I belonged to a family. Grandma was so gentle and loving that she softened him, and he would go on about some adventure he had when he was about my age. For just a little while, a door had been opened and I could look in and see enough to make me understand what it was that connected me to him, to Grandma, to this idea of family.
But then Mother darling would come home or say something and the door would slam shut again.
I heard a door slam shut and looked up to see Kathy Ann practically bouncing toward me.
“Let’s go,” she said. “I want to buy something for Axel, something to give him the next time he calls.”
“Where should we go?”
“Let’s go to Dillards,” she suggested. “C’mon, we’ll catch the bus. So, why did you leave Charlotte Lily’s house like that?”
“I had to be home by eleven, and it was already close to midnight,” I said.
“Oh. How did you get home?”
“I took a taxicab,” I said, instinctively deciding not to reveal Keefer Dawson.
She believed me an
d then spent the rest of our travel time talking about Axel. From the way she spoke about him, I thought it wasn’t only the first time she had made love, it was the first time she had been with anyone. She went on and on about the promises he had made to her concerning their future, how he was going to make sure she had tickets to all the home games, and how he would take her to dances and parties.
“Promises can be like balloons,” I told her. “They look and feel good when they’re pumped up, but they all leak and eventually fall to earth.”
“Not my promises,” she vowed. “And when my daddy makes my stepmother a promise, he always keeps it.”
“Goody goody for her,” I said.
“And he keeps the promises he makes to me most of the time. Didn’t your father do that, before he was killed in the plane crash, I mean?”
I gazed out the window without replying.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I know it’s painful for you to think about it. Let’s just think about good things. I know, I’ll practice my Spanish. How’s that?”
“Whatever,” I said, and she began a catalogue of Spanish words for common things.
After a while I didn’t hear her anymore. I felt tight inside, like my stomach had been tied into a knot and everything in it and around it was being squeezed. No, I didn’t have a father to even break his promises to me, and now, now I wasn’t permitted to have a mother. I was the balloon I spoke about. My life was just full of hot air, and I was leaking badly. Soon, I would fall to earth.
When we arrived at the department store, Kathy Ann went to the men’s department to search for a gift for Axel. I went to the women’s clothing area, and after a while, I found a young-miss skirt and blouse I really liked. I thought about Keefer Dawson and how he would appreciate seeing me in the outfit. The skirt was nearly sixty dollars, however, and the blouse was another thirty. One wouldn’t be good without the other.
The saleslady was a little overwhelmed, which gave me the opportunity to take the skirt and the blouse into the fitting room together. I had done this before, so I felt confident about it. I put the blouse on under my blouse and made sure it was well hidden. Then I came out with the skirt and told the saleslady I wanted to buy it.