Ao goes to the window.
Ao (roars) He’s in the jacks.
(Roars.) Donkey; how’s the Bishop?
Donkey (from offstage, right) He’ll be ou’ in a minute.
Ao (roars) He’ll be ou’ in a minute.
John He’s just wipin’ his arse.
Ao (roars, but he can’t finish because he’s laughing) He’s He’s
A flush is heard offstage, right. Enter Donkey through the bedroom door, leading the Bishop who is still blindfolded.
Ao Good man, Your Bishop. Are yeh feelin’ better after tha’? Bishop Yes, thank you.
Ao Good. The oul’ Chinese goes through yeh like a greyhound on skates, wha’.
Donkey He wants to know will we take the blindfold off him. Cos they all know who we are.
The Bishop is put sitting down, and tied.
Ao No funny stuff, righ’?
Bishop No; no.
Ao Okay?
The lads nod.
Ao Okay.
John (imitating Plain-clothes) Okay.
Donkey removes the blindfold.
Donkey I-Iowyeh.
Bishop (blinking) Eh, —hello.
The Bishop sees that it is dark outside.
Bishop Good evening.
Donkey (like an English butler) Good evening.
Donkey picks up a can of lager.
Donkey (to the Bishop) D’yeh want some?
Bishop No; no. —Just a little swallow, perhaps.
Donkey Yeh may as well.
Donkey pours some lager into the Bishop’s mouth.
John Be careful, Donkey. He might bite yeh.
Donkey (to the Bishop) There.
Donkey wipes the Bishop’s chin with his sleeve.
Bishop Many thanks.
Ao One’ll do him, Your Bishop.
Donkey (to the Bishop) Would yeh mind if I called yeh Fergus?
Bishop Em, —no.
Donkey Just as well for yourself.
John (thinking of something brilliant) Here!
John sings his version of Paul Simon’s ‘You Can Call Me Al’.
John (sings) I can call you Fergus
And Fergus when you call me You can call me —Donkey —
Donkey Ha ha; nice one.
Donkey starts to do the saxophone sounds from ‘You Can Call Me Al’, and Ao joins in. Ao does Chevy Chase’s elbows routine from the promotional video, and nudges the Bishop, trying to get him to join in. Then they stop.
Ao (after a pause) It’s calmed down a bit now.
Bishop Yes.
Ao Just as well, wha’.
Bishop Yes.
Ao I don’t know abou’ you but I’ll tell yeh one thing. I couldn’t live life at tha’ pace all the time.
Bishop No.
Ao I’d’ve shotten yeh there, yeh know.
Bishop Yes, —I know.
Donkey He would’ve. So would I’ave.
Ao No offence, like.
Bishop No; —none taken.
Donkey D’yeh want some more, Fergus?
Bishop No. —Thank you, It’s a bit awkward.
John We could tie his legs —. We could tie your legs while you’re drinkin’.
Ao Good thinkin’.
Donkey He might try an’ leg it.
Ao No, he won’t. Sure yeh won’t?
Bishop No; —no.
Donkey Yeh’d better not.
John unties the Bishop’s hands, and then ties his legs to the legs of the chair. Donkey picks up a four-pack.
Donkey Why do they call them six-packs when there’s only four in them?
John turns to Ao, to laugh at Donkey. But Donkey, who had-been joking, catches John at it.
Donkey Hah! Yeh bollix.
(Looking around.) The mess in here.
Donkey starts tidying up the tin trays, and finds some spilt goo on the floor.
Donkey Ah Jaysis, yis sloppy cunts yis! Which one o’ yis done tha’?
John The Bishop. —Leave it. It looks like one o’ your da’s puke stains.
Donkey Would I be able to get down to the kitchen for a J-cloth? Wha’ d’yeh think?
Ao Don’t be thick. The pigs are in the kitchen. Leave it. — You’re a rebel.
Donkey So’s me ma.
John (imitating Donkey) Give us a J-cloth or we’ll shoot the Bishop.
Donkey Fuck off, you.
John finishes tying the Bishop’s legs. The Bishop tries his best to look as if he’s enjoying the crack.
John There y’are.
Bishop Many thanks. —Thank you.
Donkey (handing the Bishop a can) There’s a can o’ leg opener for yeh, Fergus.
Ao (amused) Take it easy, will yeh.
Bishop Thank you very ——em —
The Bishop holds and studies the can as if he’s never seen one before; looking for the way in.
Donkey There’s a yoke at the top.
Bishop Ah, yes.
Donkey Yeh pull it.
Bishop Yes.
The Bishop manages to open the can.
John Well done.
Ao goes over to the window.
Ao (roars) Excuse me.
Plain-clothes (from offstage) We hear you.
Ao Thanks very much for the dinners.
Plain-clothes (from offstage) Okay.
John (imitating Plain-clothes) Okay.
Ao jumps onto the bed.
Ao (lifting his can) Cheers.
Donkey Cheers.
Bishop Cheers.
John (in a Cockney accent) Cheers, my son.
Ao Yeh know why they gave us these, don’t yis?
John To get us locked.
Donkey Take more than tha’ to get us locked, wha’.
Ao Fuckin’ sure.
Donkey Did they get them in H. Williamses?
Ao How would I know!?
Donkey I was only wonderin’. —D’ yis know your woman tha’ works in the off-licence in H. Williamses, do yis? —Tina.
John Ah, she’s gorgeous, she is. I’d give her me last Rolo.
Ao Who is she?
John (winking at Ao) Tina. —From H. Williams.
Ao Oh, yeah. She’s the one tha’ scrapes the muck off the spuds, isn’t she?
Donkey Fuck off, you. I bought me first flagon off Tina. I seen her on the DART there Saturday.
John Yeow!
Donkey Fuck off.
(Bewildered.) She was with tha’ sap, Paddy Delaney. — Daley Thompson Delaney. —D’yis remember in school when he broke his bollix doin’ the long jump?
They laugh. Ao nudges the Bishop, and the Bishop joins in. Donkey sees him.
Donkey What’re you fuckin’ laughin’ at!?
Ao and John roar laughing. Donkey points at the Bishop.
Donkey You watch your step, pal.
John Don’t mind him, Your Bishop. He’s in love.
Donkey Fuck off. At least I didn’t shoot me ma.
Ao Your ma’s in Spain, yeh sap. You’d want to be a good fuckin’ shot.
Donkey Fuck off.
John (in a TV quiz show presenter voice) Ao, are you ready to play ‘Blockbusters’?
Ao Yes, Bob.
John What F.E. always falls in love with young ones that are older than him and are goin’ with young fellas that are bigger than him?
Ao (thinking hard) Em —F.E. —F.E. —Ah! Fuckin’ Eejit! John Yesss!
John and Ao do the ’Blockbusters’ music.
John Tha’ was a close one, Ao.
Ao Gosh yes, Bob. A bit too jolly fuckin’ close. Did I win annythin’?
John Yes indeed, Ao.
Ao Not another trip to Singapore, is it?
John No. You have a choice.
Ao Yeah; go on.
John You must choose between a set of encyclopaedias or — your hole off Whitney Houston!
Ao (in agony) Oh, decisions, decisions, decisions!
John We’ll have to hurry you up, Ao.
Ao Hang on a minute, Bob. Is Whitney Houston tha’ young one th
a’ works in the off-licence in H. Williams?
Donkey Fuck off. —They’re like kids, aren’t they, Fergus? John (sings a version of the ‘Skippy’ theme) Tina —Tina —Tina the bush kangaroooooo! —Tina —Tina —
Ao laughs, and bounces like a kangaroo while John sings; and sticks his teeth out. Donkey laughs, because he’s already made an eejit of himself by admitting that he fancies Tina. John makes Skippy noises, and sticks his teeth out; implying that Tina is prominent in the teeth department.
Donkey Ah, that’s not fair.
John She’ll staple Paddy Delaney’s lips together.
Donkey enjoys that remark.
Ao Were yeh ever in love yourself. Your Bishop?
Bishop (trying to be ‘nice’) Ah no. —No.
Donkey You’re not a pig’s ear, are yeh?
John Jaysis!
Bishop I’m sorry, eh, Donkey. I don’t understand. Donkey Are yeh a queer?
Bishop I most definitely am not! —I —
Donkey Yeah? Go on. Tell us.
Ao (to Donkey) Leave him alone.
(To the Bishop.) He’s only slaggin’ yeh.
Donkey There was a priest here once. —Here. An’ he was a queer.
Ao Shut up, Donkey.
Donkey Well, he was. Father —
Ao Donkey!
(Pointing to the Bishop; secretly.) He’s his boss.
Donkey Oh, yeah. —Ah, he wasn’t too bad. He oney —
Ao Donkey!
A short pause, punctuated by the odd giggle from the lads.
Ao (enjoying himself) Were yeh ever on the DART, Your Bishop?
Bishop No, I —. No.
Donkey Were yeh not!? —Jaysis.
Ao It’s very good.
Bishop I believe so.
Ao It’s a very efficient and reliable service.
Donkey Yeow!
John It’s a rapid transit system.
Donkey leans over and thumps John.
Donkey Were yeh ever in a plane?
Bishop Yes.
Donkey So wha’?
The lads laugh.
Donkey D’yeh think you’re great, do yeh?
Ao He’s only messin’, Your Bishop. Don’t mind him.
Donkey Were yeh ever in Blackpool?
Bishop Blackpool in England?
Donkey Oh, good Jaysis! I give up.
John Were yeh ever in Africa?
Bishop Yes.
Donkey Is it anny good, is it?
The lads laugh.
Bishop Em; I don’t know if I’d really describe it as —
Donkey Are there anny good disco bars?
The Bishop smiles and forces himself to laugh.
Ao Were yeh ever in a disco, Your Bishop?
Bishop No.
Donkey Yeh haven’t missed much.
Ao and John grin at each other.
John (sings) Tina —Tina —
Donkey Ah, lay off.
Bishop I wonder, lads —
Donkey Wha’ d’yeh do after your tea?
Bishop Eh —; I’m not sure what you mean, Donkey. Donkey Do yeh go ou’?
Ao Don’t be thick, Donkey. He’s a sap, Your Bishop.
(To Donkey.) I suppose yeh think he sits on the wall outside his gaff an’ smokes, do yeh?
Donkey No!
Ao Wha’ then?
Donkey I was only wonderin’ wha’ he does; that’s all.
Ao Mind your own fuckin’ business. Would you like it if the Bishop started askin’ you questions like tha’?
Donkey I couldn’t give a shite.
John D’yeh follow football, Your Bishop.
Bishop Oh, yes.
John Who d’yeh follow?
Bishop Carlow.
The lads crack up. Nothing is said for a while except:
John Carlow!
(Pointing to the Bishop.) It’s life Jim but not as we know it —not as we know it —not as we know it —
The three lads (sing) There’s klingons on the starboard bow —starboard bow —starboard bow —
Bishop Would you mind, lads, if I —. If we were to stop this now—
Ao (definitely, but humorously) No.
Donkey No way.
Bishop (retreating) Alright.
(Advancing.) But, lads, —do you not see how you’re — walking yourselves into quite dreadful, dreadful trouble?
The lads shrug and look at each other, and shrug.
Bishop A period in jail.
The lads shrug.
Bishop Ten years?
No reaction.
Bishop You’ll be unemployable.
The lads grin, looking at the Bishop as if he’s a bit simple. Ao laughs.
Bishop (retreating) Alright. —But d’you mind me asking —. Why did you, eh, kidnap) me?
The lads sit up: this could be fun. They look to Ao for the answer.
Ao Well, we had the gun, an’ you were in Barrytown doin’ the confirmations, an’ there was nothin’ on the telly; yeh know; snooker or cricket —
John Or ‘Live At Three’ with Derek an’ Thelma.
Ao So we said, “Fuck it; let’s kidnap him”. —An’ that’s it really.
John Yeah; that’s it.
Bishop Oh. —So, Ao, you did it because you had nothing else to do. Is that right?
Ao No; not really.
The Bishop looks lost.
Ao I’d say we’d’ve done it annyway. Even if there had been snooker on.
Donkey Snooker’s borin’.
Bishop You did it because you were bored.
Ao —No.
Bishop You said something about jobs to the police.
Ao I just said tha’. —That’s just an excuse, like. —I wouldn’t mind a job but. The few bob, yeh know.
John Yeah.
Ao I’m sick o’ buyin’ me kaks in Dunnes. Three pairs a year.
Donkey My ma buys my kaks.
Ao In Dunnes.
Donkey Yeah.
Ao (proving his point) There.
Donkey Where else would yeh get your kaks?
John laughs.
Ao (explaining to the Bishop) Donkey doesn’t want a job.
Bishop (nicely) Why not?
Donkey I just don’t.
John It’d force him to change his lifestyle.
Donkey Yeah; that’s it.
Bishop (to Donkey) You have a horse.
Donkey Sort of. I’ve shares in one. ,
The lads laugh. The Bishop is lost.
Bishop (starting again) The gun.
Donkey It’s a real one.
Bishop Yes.
Donkey (pointing to John) Ask his ma.
Ao You want to know where we got it, don’t yeh?
Bishop Yes
Ao Ah, ha ha!
(After a pause.) We found it.
(Suspecting the Bishop doesn’t believe him.) Swear to God.
John On the bible.
Ao We found it in the field. —Beside the shops. It was under an ol’ pram, yeh know.
As Ao explains, the Bishop looks more and more lost.
Ao In a plastic bag. With the bullets, in an oily cloth. Donkey was lookin’ for his golf ball an’ he found it.
Donkey I found me golf ball as well.
Bishop And you didn’t bring it to the Guards.
Donkey No way. They’d’ve kept it. —Johnner shot a cat with it yesterday;
John I wasn’t aimin’ at it. It got in the way. I meant to hit O’Driscoll’s jacks window.
Bishop Why?
Donkey (as if it was a stupid question) Cos Billy O’Driscoll was in there.
Bishop Oh, —I see. You don’t like Billy O’Driscoll.
Donkey We do. He’s dead on.
The lads are really enjoying the Bishop’s efforts to understand them.
Ao He was sittin’ down, so the bullet wouldn’t’ve hit him.
John We were doin’ him a favour. Frightenin’ the shite ou’ of him.
The Bishop joins in in the laughter.
Bishop So —. Let me see. You decided to abduct me because you had a gun.
Ao (not convinced) Sort of; yeah.
Donkey An’ the free gaff.
Bishop (lost) Gaff?
Donkey stands up to get a can and discovers that he has a dead leg.
Donkey Jaysis!
(Walking ‘like an Egyptian’.) Walk like a Cambodian.
Ao Don’t mind him, Your Bishop.
Ao now tries to explain to the Bishop the thrill of doing something you shouldn’t do.
Ao Did yeh ever rob ann‘thin’?
Bishop No.
Donkey Wha’? Never?
Bishop Well, no; no.
Donkey Yeh lyin’ bollix.
John Not even an orchard?
Bishop Yes; well, yes. I did take apples from an orchard. —On more than one occasion.
Ao Good man.
Donkey There now.
Bishop That’s hardly ‘robbing’ as such.
Donkey Robbin’s robbin’.
John (slagging Donkey.) That’s true wha’ Donkey said. Robbin’s robbin’.
Donkey Fuck off, you.
Ao (to the Bishop) D‘yeh remember runnin’ away from the orchard?
Donkey Yeah; with the apples down your jumper.
John Or even up your jumper.
Donkey wonders if he has just been slagged.
Ao D’you remember it?
Bishop Yes.
Ao It was great, wasn’t it?
Bishop (pleased) Yes.
They all grin.
John D‘yeh know O’Neills, do yeh; the shoe shop place on Talbot Street?
Bishop ——I think so.
John We robbed a Doc —a boot —out o’ there; one; only one o’ them. An’ we legged it down Talbot Street. An’ your man was after us all the way down as far as —fuckin’ —the corner. An’ it was brilliant. Wasn’t it?
Donkey Yeah; it was brilliant.
(After a pause.) D’yeh know why they’re called Doc Martens?
Bishop No.
Donkey Cos a fella called Doctor Marten invented them. For spas.
Bishop Really? —Is kidnapping me a bit like robbing apples?
Ao (not fully convinced) Yeah. Sort of.
Donkey What’s he on abou’?
Bishop One thing puzzles me. —Why didn’t you demand money, a ransom, in exchange for me?