She twisted her mane of hair around her hand and shoved it behind her shoulders. Her cheeks had the smallest hint of pink on the crests and I could see the slight redness my beard had left on her neck and chin. The marks should have made me feel bad, but they didn’t. They made me want to smile and beat my chest while declaring that she was mine to whoever was around to listen. I had put my marks on her, so that made her off-limits to anyone else.
“Sorry. I lost my head a little. You do that to me.” Her voice was quiet and I could tell she was embarrassed, like admitting that she returned my heady interest was something to be ashamed of.
I sighed and reached out a hand to catch her arm as she reached for her purse. She looked up at me and my guts tightened when I saw something cloudy and unpleasant moving across the clear sky blue of her gaze. I would’ve been scrambling to reassure her if any of that cloudiness had my name written on it, but I could see whatever was working in her head was all her.
“You do that to me, too, Sayer. You know that, right? My world just got a whole lot more complicated, and you’re the only thing that makes that more manageable. I need you.”
Her nostrils flared out a little bit and she gave me a sharp nod. “You do need me . . . to do my job, and I will. I told you we would get through this, and we will. I won’t let you down.”
Her words sounded like some kind of affirmation she practiced in the mirror. It made me frown.
“I need you, Sayer. All of you.”
She just shook her head at me and patted my fingers where I was starting to squeeze her arm with more pressure than I intended.
“Don’t worry, Zeb, you’ll get the best of me.” She shook me loose and took a few steps toward the front door. “I’m going to get a petition together to get you a visit with Hyde sometime this week. It’ll probably have to be monitored and at a court-sanctioned location like a CASA facility.”
She had pulled her lawyer pants back on and was talking to me like I was a client in her office and not like a guy that had nearly bent her over and fucked her on this rickety kitchen table.
“What the hell is CASA?” I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned back on the table, annoyed and sexually frustrated. I should’ve just let her put her hands down my pants.
“CASA stands for Court Appointed Special Advocate and they have locations all over the city to make visits with complicated custody less hard on the child and often on the parents. Colorado actually has some really amazing institutions in place to help children who end up in the system.”
I grunted. “As long as I get to meet the little guy and spend some time with him before things really get moving I don’t care where it takes place or who is looking over my shoulder.”
The idea I was going to be face-to-face with my son, with the tiny little person I had helped create, made all that happiness and doubt flood right back to the surface.
“I’ll set it up. Seriously, Zeb, congratulations. This little boy is very lucky to have you in his corner.”
I narrowed my eyes at her as she wrinkled her nose a little bit while running her fingers over the burn my whiskers had left on her throat.
“I’m lucky to have you in my corner, Sayer.”
She nodded absently and moved her fingers to the tiny marks of red on her chin. I chuckled a little, which had her turning her attention to me with a lifted eyebrow.
I lifted both of my own eyebrows up at her and let them fall in an obvious leer. “Just imagine what that’ll feel like when I get my face between your legs. This is nowhere close to being done between us.”
My words made her blush, but she didn’t argue. “I’ll get in touch when I hear back from the court. Things are going to start moving quickly now that we have paternity established. Well, as quickly as the legal system ever moves. I’ll see you soon.”
She left and I let out a deep sigh and turned to pick my tool belt back up off the table. It seemed like I still had a shitload of work to do . . . on the house and on the girl.
And on my life now that I had a son I was bound and determined to share it with.
I WAS ON pins and needles waiting to hear from Sayer the rest of the week. My mom and Beryl were both over the moon at the news, though I don’t think either was surprised. When I told them that Sayer was working on getting a meeting with the little boy in place, I think they were both as excited and as anxious as I was.
Sayer called right before the weekend and told me that she got the order from the court and that I could see Hyde, but it would have to be supervised and monitored at a court-approved location. My heart lodged in my throat and I couldn’t come up with anything to say to her. All I could do was grunt like a Neanderthal.
She asked if I could get an afternoon off work the following week and told me she would get everything scheduled. Since she was my attorney she was supposed to be present for the visit, but she assured me that this was something she did all the time, so both she and the CASA representative would be as unobtrusive as possible so that my time with Hyde would be uninterrupted.
When I finally found my voice to thank her, it was almost a squeak as I asked if I was allowed to bring Hyde something. I didn’t know much about kids, especially five-year-old little boys, other than when I had been one myself, but I figured it couldn’t hurt to break the ice with some kind of trinket. When I was five anything that had wheels and made noise made me the happiest kid on earth . . . actually those things made me a pretty happy adult, too. Sayer told me she would have to check with the CASA rep and that she would get back to me. We set the date for Wednesday and I spent every day leading up to it in alternating states of elation and soul-deep panic. I was sure I was driving Beryl crazy calling her every five minutes to ask her what should I do, what should I say. I couldn’t believe I was so torn up worrying if a five-year-old would like me or not.
Finally, after call number thirty she put Joss on the phone, and my niece told me to stop worrying because all kids liked me. I laughed and asked her how she knew that and her reasoning was so innocent and simple it put some of my fears to rest.
She told me that because I was so tall and so big I seemed like a superhero. She told me I could pick her up and carry her around no matter how big she got and that I always made her laugh. She said my hugs were the best and that my beard tickled when she kissed me and then she reached her little hand right into my chest and poked my heart when she told me that I had kept her and her mommy safe when her daddy was mean to them. She told me all kids needed someone that made them feel safe, so of course Hyde would like me. When she handed the phone back to Beryl I could tell my sister was crying, and honestly I could feel the burn of tears in the back of my own eyes.
Sayer called the day before I was supposed to meet my little boy and told me she had cleared it with the CASA person and Hyde’s foster mom that I could bring him a little something for our first meeting. She warned me not to go overboard since he was going to have to return to the foster home after our meeting and that meant he was going to be around other kids that would be jealous if he came rolling in with something fancy and expensive.
That was how I found myself in the toy aisle of Target thirty minutes before they closed staring aimlessly at rows and rows of brightly colored boxes. I had no clue what was appropriate or what Hyde was even into and that made me want to pull my hair out. Finally, my gaze hit on a box of Legos and it clicked.
Maybe he liked to build things like I did. There were enough blocks and pieces to the set that even if there were a bunch of other kids at the house he was staying at, they could share and play together. I grabbed a couple different designs and went home knowing good and well I wouldn’t sleep a wink until the meeting tomorrow. Instead, I stared at the ceiling and alternately thought about the little boy and the woman that was the key to making him a permanent part of my life.
I couldn’t think about one without the other invading the thought the next second. They were both so important and intrinsically tied together i
n my life at the moment that separating them seemed impossible, and I wasn’t sure that I wanted to. If I did win full custody of Hyde he was going to be part of the deal if Sayer ever decided to let me into her life. She couldn’t have me and not have him and I wondered if that was part of the reason she had reverted to putting up her professional mask every time we talked now.
She was always polite, always reassuring, but none of the playful attraction that floated between us before was present in her tone and she made sure all our conversations were brief and to the point. She was making me crazy, but I couldn’t figure a way around it and frankly had to keep my focus on my kid and not my dick.
When the day of the visit arrived I skipped work in the morning, leaving my foreman, Azzy, in charge of the crew. Azzy was a good kid who survived a really nasty upbringing. He had spent his formative years in juvie and most of his young adulthood behind bars. We had met in Canyon, and when he got out he looked me up. The guy had no construction knowledge and I knew how hard it was for anyone, but especially someone of color with a criminal history, to find a good job and someone willing to give them an honest shot at a future. I hated being judged for my past mistakes but knew I could have it so much worse than I did. Azzy had a fierce resolve to never go back to prison and a noticeable dedication to making something of himself. Since I had hired him on he had also proven to be a quick learner. Over the last few years I had been entrusting more and more responsibility and workload to him. In fact, after I had blueprints drawn up and a bid squared away, I was thinking about handing that entire build over to the young guy. Azzy was ready for something to be all his, and I knew Asa would get it when I explained my reasoning for handing the project over to my protégé.
I dressed in a pair of black Dickies and put on a lightweight plaid shirt that had pearl buttons up and down the front of it along with white piping across the shoulders. I traded my Red Wings for a pair of black Frye boots and tried to tame my typically unruly hair with a handful of goop and a comb. I cleaned up all right but no one was ever going to hand me the key to the city and there was nothing I could really do about the tattoos on either side of my neck or the ones that marked the back of each hand, so I knew I would still get those looks. The ones that stated that no matter how respectable my career was, or how much money I had in the bank, or how nice the car I drove was, I still looked rough and would always be an ex-con.
Figuring this was as good as it was going to get, I climbed into the Jeep with my Lego haul and headed to the address Sayer had given me. The CASA building looked like any other business on the side street where it was located. It wasn’t until I went inside and had to go through security and pass through endless pairs of suspicious eyes that I realized how different it was. There was a reception desk and I signed in and looked around the little waiting area for a familiar face. All I saw were men who looked defeated and women who looked scared. This was obviously an establishment that was the worst-case scenario for some and that just made my nerves jangle even more.
I didn’t want to be Hyde’s worst case. I wanted to be his best option in the crap hand he had been dealt in his life so far.
A door next to the reception desk opened and Sayer came through it and strode toward me. I was stunned stupid for a second at the sight of her. I had seen her in her lawyerly garb plenty of times while I was working on her house, but something about seeing her all buttoned up and sharply pulled together on my behalf was startling. All that golden hair was tied up and pulled away from her face. I wanted to shove my hands in it and pull it all free. Her eyes skimmed over me and the corner of her lightly painted mouth kicked up in a grin.
“You look nice. Are you ready to go back? This is Maria, she’s our CASA contact. She’ll be in the room with you and Hyde for the next hour. Don’t be alarmed if you see her taking notes, and you need to know all your visits here are going to be both recorded and filmed. So far, all Hyde has been told is that you’re an old friend of his mother’s. No one feels it’s time to explain to him that you’re his father just yet. We want him to get comfortable around you first. Are you okay with all of that?”
I just nodded stiffly. What else could I do? “Whatever you need me to do.”
She gave me a full smile and it settled some of the sharp and pointy things that were jabbing at me under my skin. When she reached out and put her hand on my elbow, I finally felt like I could breathe normally.
“We just need to fill out some forms and then we’ll go back. Hyde is in the room playing with another rep.” I nodded again, it kind of felt like that was all I was capable of doing at the moment.
Sayer must have seen my panic and my fear because as she reached out to hand me a stack of paperwork she took a step closer and told me under her breath, “He’s a happy little boy, Zeb. He seems sweet and wasn’t at all curious or afraid when his current guardian dropped him off. He just wants to play. He’ll be happy to see you. It’s all an adventure to him.” I exhaled so hard I was surprised I didn’t blow her over.
“Thank you for that.”
She gave me a little wink and patted me where she was holding on to my arm. “In person the resemblance is even more obvious.” She pointed to her own cheek. “He even has your dimple.”
I felt my eyebrows shoot up. “How do you know I have a dimple?” I started growing the beard when I was in prison because getting razors behind bars was a hassle I didn’t want to mess with. When I got out, the thing was long and unruly, but trimmed up and maintained, it was pretty awesome, so I decided to keep it. As far as I knew, no one I hung out with now had ever seen me clean-shaven, including Sayer.
Her smile dipped a little bit and she pulled her hand off my arm as I scribbled my name and birth date across the pile of paperwork. She cleared her throat and looked away from me as she muttered, “In the mug shot in your file you don’t have a beard. I noticed the dimple when I was looking over everything before filing my motion with the court.”
My mug shot. Shit, she had seen my mug shot. It made my teeth clench together with an audible click. No wonder she had started to pull back from me. There was no getting around the fact I had served time for an unarguably violent act. With the evidence of that right in her face, why would she want to give me a shot at being something more to her? She came across as so cool with all the baggage I dragged around with me but how could she ignore the contents of it when they spilled right in front of her over and over again? They didn’t make a strong enough lock to keep the contents of my past secure.
“Are you ready to go back?” She handed the papers over to the woman she had introduced as Maria and I tilted my chin down in the semblance of a nod.
“As ready as I’ll ever be. Let’s do this.” I wish I felt as certain as I sounded.
“Okay. Follow me.”
We walked down a long hallway and then entered a room that looked like a preschool. There were a bunch of little tables, art supplies, and a padded rug on the floor with numbers and letters on it. In the middle of all of that there was a dark-haired little boy lying on his belly, kicking his tiny feet up in the air behind him as he made car noises while he pushed a big plastic dump truck in front of him.
Time stopped.
The world stopped.
I stopped.
Everything that had ever mattered to me, everything that had ever seemed important to me before this moment, before I laid eyes on this little person that was so very much a part of me, seemed wholly insignificant and unworthy. Green eyes that matched the ones that stared at me in the mirror every day flicked up to me and a toothy smile with a gap on the bottom flashed as the little boy climbed to his feet and raced over to where I was frozen to the spot as I watched him with my heart in my throat.
“Hi. I’m Hyde. Are you a giant? Are those Legos? I love Legos. Do you want to play with me?”
I stared down at a tiny carbon copy of my own face and told myself to get my act together. I was never going to get another chance to make another first impress
ion on this little man that was suddenly everything to me.
I crouched down so that I wasn’t towering over him and held out the box. “Hi, Hyde. My name is Zeb. I’m not a giant, but I am pretty tall, so it can seem that way, and the Legos are for you. I would love to play with you.”
Green eyes blinked slowly now that I was at eye level and he tilted his head to one side while he considered me thoughtfully for a second.
“You knew my mom?” I heard the tremor in his voice and it nearly killed me.
“I did. I only met her once, but she was very nice. She was a good friend to me when I really needed her to be.”
He nodded solemnly and reached for the Legos I was still holding, which he promptly set down on the ground next to his sneakered feet once I handed them over. “She could be nice sometimes, but not always. Did you let someone draw on you?” He pointed a finger at my neck, where an old-timey pocket watch was inked onto the skin, and I turned my hands over so he could look at the swirling ink that covered the back of each. I stayed as still as could be as he reached out a finger to poke at the design.
“I did. These drawings don’t really wash off, though. I get to keep them forever.”
His lips twitched and that dimple we shared deepened in his cheek as he grinned. “Okay. Can I touch your face?”
I couldn’t stop the bark of laughter that snuck out. It looked like Joss was right about the beard. Kids did like it.
“Sure. My niece says it tickles when I kiss her.”
I heard a strangled choking sound behind me and cast a glance over my shoulder to see Sayer blushing furiously and coughing into her hand. Apparently Joss wasn’t the only one that thought it tickled during kisses. I was forced to turn my head back around when small hands grabbed both of my cheeks and ran down the sides of my beard.
I stared into the eyes that were so like mine and fought down the urge to pick the little boy up and never put him down. That dimpled grin flashed at me again. “I like it.” I heard a chorus of soft sighs behind me from the women in the room, but this time didn’t take my eyes off of the little boy.