Then he turned to Aunt J. Hello,
Jeanette. You look wonderful.
Aunt J blushed like wine.
Good to see you again, Kevin.
Kevin? Not her once forever
love, Kevin?
I’m so sorry about Elaine.
How are you doing?
I’m holding up, thanks,
Jeanette. Holding up fine.
I’ve meant to stop by,
but between cattle and cougars…
I gave Aunt J a quizzical look,
which she totally ignored.
You men hungry? We’ve
got a lot of food here.
Every time she got nervous,
the talk turned to food.
Chicken and biscuits and three
kinds of salads…
Definitely nervous. He had
to be that Kevin.
Not to mention pie. Pattyn
helped me with the pies….
Kevin was her Kevin,
and Kevin was Ethan’s dad.
How could she have neglected
to mention such an important thing?
I Wasn’t Sure
If Ethan knew about their history,
so I sat, semi-stunned, and watched
the two of them reconnect.
As they talked, years and regret
seemed to melt away from Aunt J’s
face. She was seventeen again.
Ethan’s dad kept sliding closer
to Aunt J…or was that just
my overactive imagination?
It was kind of surreal, like a ghost
had materialized from out of Aunt J’s
past, a ghost who lived right down the road.
Did they never see each other?
It seemed they hadn’t, but how could
that be, with them in such close proximity?
Had Ethan’s mom known about
them? Aunt J said she was a friend.
And how about Stan? Did he know?
Ethan cradled my hand and discussed
the pros and cons of the band’s
raw attempts at bluegrass.
My heart beat faster, just sitting
so close to him, and the love I felt
for him made me even more confused.
How could Kevin and Aunt J spend
so many years, so near each other,
and make no effort to rekindle their love?
After Stuffing Ourselves
Ethan and I wandered
off for a little alone time.
The air had cooled a bit,
come dusk, and one by one
the stars began to fill
the darkening sky.
Ethan cinched his arm
around my waist
and as we walked, I noted
other women’s envious stares.
Having never before been
an object of envy,
I wasn’t sure how to react—
proud or protective.
Once or twice, really pretty
women smiled at Ethan
and that Jolly Green Monster
bit into me with razor-sharp teeth.
When we were by ourselves,
I got the courage to say,
“You could have your choice
of pretty women. Why me?”
You’re like the ocean, Pattyn.
Pretty enough on the surface,
but dive down into your depths,
you’ll find beauty most
people never see. Lucky me.
I fell in, headfirst.
I Was Dying to Know
If Ethan had any idea about
Aunt J and his dad.
So as we watched people
dance, I casually asked,
“How long has Aunt J
known your father?”
A very long time, I
guess. He said they
met in high school.
“Did your mom go
to high school with
them too?”
No. Dad met Mom after
college, when he moved
to Caliente.
“Funny how both
he and Aunt J ended
up here,” I tested.
Yeah, it is kind of a
coincidence. In fact, once
I heard my parents talking…
Just then a loudspeaker
interrupted, Ladies and gents,
the fireworks are about to begin!
Fireworks
Gold Red Silver Blue Green
sprays haze beauty rise eyes
high sky heaven stuns Ethan’s
faze plays designs mind find
sight light perfect divine mine
inspire desire blessed flow reveal
releasing unceasing increasing
love
Ethan Drove Me Home
His dad rode with Aunt J,
and I wondered as we found
a place to park beneath
the moonlight just what
might transpire between
the adult members of our
interconnected families.
Did they, too, find a private
spot, unroll a quilted
sleeping bag in the bed
of the pickup? Did they talk
and kiss and ultimately
shed their clothes to lay
naked beneath a sea of stars?
For me, it was something all
new, memory in the making.
For Aunt J, it would be
recollection reborn.
For me, it was awakening.
For Aunt J, it would
be reawakening.
Of course, maybe they just
drove home, said their
good nights and nice-to-see-you-
agains, and went home
to their cold, lonely beds.
The cynic in me thought it likely.
The romantic begged to differ.
Vibrant Singing
Woke me the next morning.
Aunt J was in a very good mood.
I went downstairs without
dressing, eager to ask questions.
Poor Aunt J didn’t know what hit her.
“Ethan’s dad is your Kevin?
Why didn’t you tell me?”
She shrugged. Didn’t
seem important.
“Not important? You said
he was the love of your life.”
“Was” being the operative
word. We’re just friends now.
“But he moved to Caliente
for you, didn’t he?”
She shrugged again. Could
be. Didn’t much matter by then.
“Sure it did. So how could
he marry someone else?”
You’d have to ask him that.
But I was married to Stan.
“But what about after
Stan died?”
Kevin was married to Elaine by then.
Marriage is a contract, Pattyn.
“But didn’t the two of
you ever…?”
Ever what? Fool around? You
should know me better than that.
“I do. I’m sorry. But you
still love him, don’t you?”
Real love doesn’t die, remember?
But sometimes that doesn’t matter.
Of course it mattered!
“So what about now?”
I don’t know about now, darlin’.
I can’t predict the future.
“But the two of you
are all alone….”
She looked at me and grinned.
Not exactly. No, not at all.
I Wasn’t Quite Ready to Quit
“Aunt J, I think you should
give each other a chance.
You looked pretty happy
tog
ether last night.”
We were happy last night.
But we’re both lugging
old hurt around, and
that’s hard to get past.
I could understand
that. Forgiveness wasn’t
easy. But they had to
try. “Please try.”
If it makes you feel
any better, he’s taking
me to dinner Friday
night. So I guess we’ll try.
Yes! One more thing
bothered me. “I don’t
think Ethan knows
about the two of you.”
Kevin might feel differently,
but I would never ask you
to keep secrets, especially
from someone you love.
I shook my head. “I
don’t want to keep
secrets from Ethan, but
I don’t want to tell him.”
Mostly because I didn’t
want him to know
exactly how terrible
my father could be.
July Took on a Rhythm
Aunt J and I spent
weekdays warding
off the
heat wave
and trying to keep
things watered.
The garden would
wither
without attention
in the cool of early
morning. The
simmer
of afternoon kept
us basking in front
of a big whirling fan.
Hot
thoughts about Ethan
crept into my sick
little brain. I felt
out
of my mind with
missing him when
he wasn’t by my
side.
After the sun drifted
low and bloomed rose,
he’d come rolling
around
for evening visits,
coaxing my personal
temp well above the
one hundred
mark, no matter
what the thermometer
happened to read.
On Weekends
We’d drive to the lake
or take the horses for
long morning rides,
always bringing
the rifles along. I
would never be
unprepared again.
Ethan taught me more
about the finer points
of marksmanship than I
would ever have
learned on my own.
I was good.
He was awesome.
Making love indeed
became an integral part
of our couplehood.
Ethan taught me a lot
about that, too, and
somehow the more I learned
the less guilt I suffered.
Kevin and Aunt J were
seeing each other
fairly regularly.
Ethan didn’t talk
about that much, so
one day I asked,
“Does it bother you?”
A little, he admitted.
Mom’s only been gone
for eight months.
But I don’t want him
to be lonely, and I can’t
think of a better person
for him than Jeanette.
I couldn’t either.
So with Ethan’s Blessing
Kevin was dating Aunt J.
And I was dating Ethan.
They would go out on weekends.
We saw each other whenever we could.
Sometimes we all had dinner.
Sometimes we all saw a movie together.
Most of the time, they went their way.
And, always, they let us go ours.
It was all too good to be true.
It was Cinderella and Prince Charming, squared.
It was approaching happily ever after.
It was Paradise, awaiting Armageddon.
Toward the End of the Month
A letter came from home. I tore it open
eagerly, to find this, from Jackie:
Dear Pattyn,
I hope your summer has been wonderful. Why
haven’t you written? Too busy chasing
tumbleweeds? Ha ha.
Chasing tumbleweeds would be better than how
things are here. Some vacation! All I do all day
is take care of the kids. I wouldn’t mind so much
if I had you here to talk to. I wouldn’t even
ask you to help! Well, not much, anyway.
Mom is due in October, and she’s gained fifty
pounds already. All she does is sit, eat, watch
TV, and pack on pounds while we kids survive
on oatmeal and peanut butter.
You’d think Dad would be happy, what with
Samuel coming and all. But he’s not. Friday
nights are worse than ever. Sometimes Dad
gets home, already half-drunk. I always hope
he’ll get home totally drunk so maybe he’ll
pass out right away. You can see the anger
growing inside him. Where did all that come
from, anyway? And now it has nowhere to go.
He can’t hit Mom because of the baby.
Anyway, I miss you. Hope you come home soon.
Love you lots,
Your Favorite Sister
(aren’t I?)
It Was My First Real Tinge
Of homesickness, despite the less-than-
rosy picture. I did miss Jackie,
did miss the girls, and I wondered
if they had changed as much as I.
Then I had to laugh. It had only
been two months. How much
could everyone change? Surely
not nearly as much as I.
I had discovered love, sex,
acceptance. I had found
a place where I felt like I
counted, a place I belonged.
I had come to think of myself
as not bad to look at, not
bad to be with, surely not
in league with Satan.
I had come to think of myself
as almost a woman, and
a woman of value. I had come
to think of myself as my own.
So why did I still feel such
connection with a place
that made me question my
place in the world?
Of Course, When Ethan Stopped By
That perceived connection
severed immediately.
No thought of Carson City
as we watched a Caliente sunset.
No thought of Jackie
while Ethan discussed his day.
No thought of my sisters
when he took me in his arms.
No thought of home
as his lips mastered mine.
No thought of Mom
with the slip of my clothing.
No thought of Dad
to interfere with the blending
of our bodies, the mesh of skin
and the song of hearts in love.
August Rumbled In
Literally. The first week, each
morning segued into afternoon
with the grumble of thunder
over western hills.
The sky seethed with ozone,
leaking a scent hot and electric.
The animals scrambled
for cover at its steady approach.
Aunt J and I would sit on
the porch, watching carbonated
clouds bubble and blacken the sky
like a spill of cola.
We could use the rain, Aunt J
would say, but dry lightning
is a monster no
thirsty patch
of desert wants to meet.
I didn’t know what she meant
until the day I saw the greasy smoke,
off in the distance, signaling
sagebrush burning.
I’ve heard a high-rise fire
is a terrible thing, flames gulping
down buildings, one story at a time,
like a twenty-course meal.
But a brush fire is almost unconquerable.
Not enough hoses in all of Nevada
to stop a blaze fueled by drought-drained
sage and fed by a furious wind.
Took five days of ’copters and tankers
and ’dozers, working almost round
the clock, plus one day of blessed
pounding rainfall, to do that monster in.
Both Ethan and His Dad
Were volunteer firefighters.
Aunt J and I saw them only
if they happened to be there
when we delivered food
and water to the fire line.