‘His dad was frightening Caitlin,’ I said, my heart in my throat. I couldn’t believe Dad was backing Mum against me.
‘For God’s sake, River!’ Mum yelled, red-faced.
‘Listen.’ Dad’s voice was low and serious. ‘The police have a church full of witnesses who all say that what Flynn did was unprovoked. That he was the aggressive one.’
My hands shook as I thought about the serious-faced young officer who’d arrested Flynn earlier.
‘As far as we could work out from what the police said, there are no plans to charge him yet and the lawyer at Gemma’s therapy centre thinks there’s a good chance that won’t happen, but it’s still very serious.’
‘You mean prison?’ I gasped.
‘No, that’s not what I’m saying. The background with his dad, the grades he’s getting at school and his potential are all in his favour. But the police will want to make him realise there are consequences.’
‘He should be sent to prison,’ Mum snapped. ‘He’s totally out of control.’
‘But—’
‘No, River.’ Mum folded her arms. ‘This is the last straw. Since you met him everything’s gone wrong. You’re not working properly at school. Bunking off today proves it.’
‘But I am working,’ I protested. ‘Today was . . . different.’
‘It’s not just that,’ Mum went on. ‘You hardly spend any time with your other friends. You’ve lied to me. Stayed out all night. More than once. It has to stop.’
I stared at Dad. ‘You can’t . . .’
A pained expression came into Dad’s eyes. ‘The last thing I want to do is forbid you to do something. I feel guilty that I haven’t been more involved up till now. That things have got this far.’
Mum snorted.
‘But Flynn’s good for me,’ I protested. ‘Okay so he’s got a temper, but he’s sweet and kind when he’s on his own and—’
‘You can’t be sure he won’t hurt you,’ Dad said.
‘He’d never hurt me.’ Tears welled up in my eyes. ‘He hasn’t hurt anyone else. Don’t you understand? Flynn hates what his dad did. He only ever gets angry with him. About him.’
‘What about the fights he’s been getting into at school?’ Dad said gently. ‘His mum admitted he’s always being disciplined for rudeness. Always pushing things. I mean, he was even suspended from school the other day.’
‘I know, and he knows that he overreacts to things . . .’
‘He needs therapy,’ Dad said. ‘A proper, intensive course of anger management. The kind of thing they do at Gemma’s centre. There are places all over London, some of them actually specialise in adolescent aggression.’
‘But Flynn’s not really aggressive,’ I insisted. ‘Not deep down. He’s just scared of being hurt. Of people he loves being hurt. That’s why he loses his temper sometimes but he can stop himself, at—’
Dad took my hand across the table. ‘You’re not listening, River. You know. In your heart you know I’m right. Whatever Flynn says, it’s not that easy to just “stop”. And violence is never the answer to an argument. Maybe sometimes in self-defence you have to take a stand, but Flynn goes way too far, way too often.’
I pulled my hand away from his and stood up. The tiny silver heart on my bracelet dangled against my wrist, a reminder of Flynn and what we shared together. My parents just didn’t understand.
‘You were happy enough that he hit those guys who were all over me and Emmi last term,’ I said, remembering how Flynn had fended off two guys hassling us last December.
‘I wonder if we got the full story about that,’ Mum said drily.
‘So now I’m a liar?’
‘No, River,’ Dad said. ‘That’s not what we’re saying.’
Mum crossed her arms. ‘It’s not just the violence. Flynn’s been accused of stealing things. Emmi’s mother told us all about Alex’s iPad going missing at school. It sounds like all the evidence points to Flynn and—’
‘He didn’t do anything. They’re just blaming him because they don’t like him.’ Tears leaked out of my eyes. I didn’t even bother to brush them away. Mum and Dad were both against me. Against Flynn. ‘You can’t stop me seeing him,’ I sobbed.
‘Then you have to move out,’ Mum said, simply. ‘Because I can’t live like this anymore.’
‘Move out?’ I whispered. It felt like the floor was falling away from underneath me.
Dad took my hand. ‘You can come and live with me and Gemma on the commune.’
‘But . . . but . . . ?’ My mind whirled with the ramifications of this. Dad’s commune was a ninety-minute drive from here – way more in rush hour. ‘What about school? What about my GSCEs?’
Dad swallowed. ‘I realise it’s not an ideal time for you to move schools with your exams coming up but there are other schools near the commune where—’
‘What about my friends?’ I stared at both of them. I couldn’t believe they were seriously suggesting I should leave my whole life behind, just to get me away from Flynn.
‘Oh,’ Mum said sarcastically. ‘So now you care about your friends?’
‘Look, River,’ Dad said. ‘We both know you coming to live with me at this point isn’t the best thing for you. We’re only suggesting it if you refuse to stop seeing Flynn of your own accord. Neither of us can be here twenty-four hours a day to watch over you so we need you to promise you’ll end things with him.’
‘No.’ The word blurted out of me. Not seeing Flynn was unthinkable. Impossible.
‘Then you have to go where you can’t see him,’ Mum said.
‘It’s your choice, River,’ Dad said. ‘But you do have to choose. We both care too much about you to let things carry on as they are.’
‘You’re grounded for a fortnight either way,’ Mum added.
I looked at them, feeling desperate. ‘What if Flynn apologises? What if we just see each other a couple of times a week? No staying over and—’
‘He’s not good for you,’ Mum said sternly. ‘Look at yesterday. He didn’t even stop to see if his father was all right. He just ran off, dragging you with him.’
I opened my mouth to explain that wasn’t how it happened. Then I shut it again. I could see on both their faces that I wasn’t going to change their minds. They were as prejudiced against Flynn as everyone else.
They were going to force me to choose – to stay here without Flynn, or live on the commune with Dad, also without Flynn.
‘You can have tonight to think about it,’ Dad said. ‘Gemma and I are staying with friends nearby. We’ll come back in the morning and you can tell us what you’ve decided.’
I turned and ran up to my room.
It was no choice. No life.
No life without Flynn.
16
I tried to speak to Flynn that evening but his phone was switched off, so I called Emmi. She and Grace had both been trying to get hold of me all day. Before I could even explain the terrible situation my parents had put me in, Emmi jumped in with her own news. She’d heard about Flynn’s arrest through Alex. Apparently the news had already spread right through the boys’ school.
‘But that’s not all,’ she said. I could hear the horrified excitement in her voice and realised, with a miserable twist in my gut, that she was enjoying the drama.
‘What’s not all?’ I said.
‘One of the guys in their year saw Flynn with Alex’s iPad. He posted on Facebook saying so.’
‘Then he’s lying,’ I said. But inside I wasn’t entirely sure. Maybe Flynn had taken the iPad. Everyone knew he hated Alex, plus there was that silver bracelet. Anyway, how could I know what he was capable of? Until yesterday I wouldn’t have thought he could attack his dad like he had.
‘Wake up, River,’ Emmi said. ‘I know how you feel about him. I’m only saying it because I care about you but . . .’ she paused.
‘But?’ I said angrily.
‘But Flynn’s totally out of control,’ she went on. ‘Alex re
ckons they’ll exclude him for good for what happened at the church.’
‘No,’ I gasped. ‘They couldn’t. What about his A levels?’
Emmi sucked in her breath. ‘Guess he should have thought of that before getting into endless fights.’
I sighed. She was never going to understand how complicated Flynn was . . . how difficult his life had been . . . I decided to change the subject. ‘Hey, Em, you’re not going to believe what my mum and dad want me to do.’
Emmi squealed with horror as I told her they were on the verge of sending me to live on Dad’s commune. ‘I have to say I’ll stop seeing Flynn or Mum will chuck me out.’
‘Then there’s no contest.’ For Emmi, the decision was obvious. ‘You have to stay here. I mean there’s no Flynn, either way. And at least if you stay you can keep coming to our school where all your friends are.’
‘I guess,’ I said.
‘And if you stay here, maybe you can still see Flynn sometimes. You know, when your Mum’s out and stuff.’
Was Emmi encouraging me to keep the relationship going? ‘I thought you’d think it was a good thing if we split up,’ I said, feeling confused.
There was a short silence on the other end of the phone.
‘Yeah, well, maybe it would be,’ Emmi said. ‘But I know how you feel about each other.’
‘Really?’
Emmi sighed. ‘River, anyone with half a brain cell can see it. What you two have, it’s rare. Like that time last December, just before those two guys attacked us. I remember looking at you, the way he pulled you closer and you shivered, you looked . . . I dunno . . . ecstatic. And he was running his hand down your face and looking at you like you were his whole life. Not even aware of anyone else in the room.’
I remembered that specific moment only vaguely, but I knew what Emmi was describing – those moments where everything else in the world faded away and it was just me and Flynn.
‘So yes, rationally, I think you’d be better off without him,’ Emmi went on, ‘but for all his arrogance and his moods, he adores you and you adore him and right now I can’t see either of you surviving being apart.’
I couldn’t get hold of Flynn that night. But in the end it didn’t matter. I made the only decision I could. I told Mum I would stay with her, and keep going to school, and that I wouldn’t see Flynn. I told her I was truly sorry for all the pain I’d caused her. That I accepted I was grounded for two weeks. And that I would work really hard for my GCSEs over the next few months.
I meant it – every bit of it. Except the part about not seeing Flynn. I knew I would have to be careful, but somehow I was going to see him again.
I had to. Like Emmi said, I would die if I didn’t.
The next day – Tuesday – Mum packed me off to school explaining she expected me home straight afterwards. She also announced she wanted to see the call log on my phone every day so she could check I wasn’t speaking with Flynn. She had already made me delete my Facebook account.
But it’s basically impossible to stop two people talking if that’s what they want to do. I spent a long, humiliating ten minutes being lectured by the head for missing school the day before, but at last I was free. I borrowed Grace’s mobile and called Flynn at school. To my intense relief he answered straight away. Not that he told me much about what had happened to him when he got back from the police station on Sunday. Just that – as Dad predicted – he wasn’t being charged.
‘And my dad’s fine – apart from his nose it’s just a few bruises.’
I explained what Mum and Dad had said to me. There was a long silence on the other end of the phone.
‘That sucks, Riv,’ he said at last.
I’d expected him to insist that I had to lie to my parents and do anything I could to keep seeing him, but he was strangely silent.
‘What do you think I should do?’ I asked in the end.
‘Let me think about it, yeah?’
What? In all the time I’d known him, I’d never heard Flynn hesitate for more than a few seconds before announcing his views. He always knew his own mind.
‘Okay,’ I said, thrown. I raised the outstanding question that was still in my head. ‘Emmi told me there was someone at your school who claims he saw you with Alex’s iPad. Did the police ask about that?’
Flynn gave a derisive growl. ‘Yeah, they asked. But that guy doesn’t know what he saw. Anyway, even if he saw me holding an iPad – which he didn’t because I wasn’t – there’s no proof it was Alex’s. The whole thing is just his word against mine.’ He paused. ‘You do believe me about that, don’t you, Riv?’
‘Course,’ I said. But, once again, a shard of doubt lodged itself in my mind. ‘So, you’re not being chucked out of school . . . or sent to prison?’ I said, trying to cover my confusion.
‘No, but . . .’ Flynn hesitated. In the distance I could hear the bell ringing at his school, signalling the end of break. ‘There’s something I need to talk to you about. Can I meet you after school? I’ll be careful no one sees me.’
‘Okay,’ I said, my heart beating faster. What on earth did Flynn want to talk about that he couldn’t say over the phone?
I was in a state, waiting to see him, all day. I couldn’t concentrate on any of my lessons. Flynn clearly had something important to tell me and I was terrified of what it might be. He hadn’t been charged by the police and his school had obviously decided to give him another chance. Apart from my parents’ ultimatum, nothing between us was really that different from how it had been last week. Was it?
I raced out of school as soon as the bell rang. Flynn was already there, leaning against the end of the metal-barred gate. Everything about him was so perfect. The way he stood, the way his whole body fitted together. I moved closer. The bruises on his face had come out properly now – dark purple and grey. I stared, soaking him up. A moment later he turned, saw me looking, and smiled.
‘You look a mess,’ I said, walking over.
‘I know.’ He put his arms around me and held me. Girls were starting to trickle out of the gate now. A couple passed us, giggling. ‘Come on, let’s get out of here before anyone sees us and reports back to your mum.’ Flynn took my hand and we strolled along the road. I leaned against him and he slid his arm around my shoulders. Again, I had that sense of us fitting together like we’d been made for each other. Being with Flynn was the best thing in my life. How could I possibly stop seeing him?
‘So, what did you want to talk to me about?’ I said.
Flynn looked across the road, away from me. My chest tightened.
‘You’re breaking your promise to your mum and dad by being with me, aren’t you?’ he said, his voice flat and dull.
‘That doesn’t matter,’ I said.
‘Yes, it does.’ Flynn paused, still staring into the distance. ‘And, unless you agree to stop seeing me, you’re going to be exiled to your dad’s drop-out centre – which will take you away from your school and your friends too.’
‘It’s a commune, not a drop-out centre,’ I said. ‘But no way am I going there. And they can’t stop me seeing you. Not if it’s what we both want. Nobody else understands us – like no one. So they don’t understand that we’re going to find a way to be together. We have to . . .’ I stopped.
Flynn turned back to look at me. His whole face was etched with misery.
‘What is it?’ Fear twisted inside me.
We turned the corner onto a quieter, smaller road. We were just three streets from my house. Flynn stopped walking. He rested his hands on my waist and dipped his head down to touch mine.
‘I’ve screwed up, River,’ he whispered. ‘I don’t mean just Sunday. I mean . . . I mean everything.’
I stared up at him, a hard lump in my throat. Flynn closed his eyes and rolled his forehead across mine. For a second I wondered if he was going to admit to stealing Alex’s iPad, but then he said, ‘When I got home from the police station it was awful. You should have seen the state Mum was in
. I’ve never seen her like that. Siobhan said she’d been hysterical since . . . what happened in the church. I couldn’t bear it . . . Mum’s always so together and here she was, all upset, and it was my fault. And then Siobhan was angry with me for what I did and for running off afterwards.’ He stopped and his voice dropped to almost a whisper. ‘But the worst thing was Caitlin. She . . . oh, River . . . she was frightened of me. When I went near her she shrank away, like I might hit her or something. Just like she did when Da tried to touch her, remember?’
I nodded, stroking his bruised face. He opened his eyes. They were bright green, full of remorse. ‘Mum wanted me to go to see a doctor cos of my face and I said there was no need. And then she started shouting at me. And I ended up shouting back which I didn’t mean to . . . Anyway, she kept going on about the police, how they might charge me after all, how the school might exclude me . . . how I was throwing away all the chances I’d worked so hard for . . . Like I didn’t know.’ He paused.
‘What happened next?’ I said.
‘I lost my temper with her and shouted that it wasn’t fair to blame me, that it was Da’s fault. And I could see Siobhan in the corner of the room with her arms round Caitlin and they were both crying.’ He screwed up his face. ‘All three of them were crying. And it suddenly hit me, I’d turned into my da – like you told me once, remember? When we were doing the play?’
I nodded, my heart in my mouth.
‘Well, suddenly I saw it too,’ he said, his voice so low I could barely hear him. ‘I saw myself – yelling and lashing out and scaring people. And I just stopped. I was so shocked that I just stopped. I don’t even know what I was saying – I didn’t say anything else. I just said sorry to Mum – for everything. And she hugged me and I let her but all I could think was that I was such a loser. And I knew how your folks would react. And if you were my daughter I’d feel the same way. So . . . so all I could think was . . . I’ve ruined everything. Everything.’
‘No you haven’t.’ I pressed my hands gently against his face. ‘I’m still here,’ I said. ‘I love you.’