her fidgeting with her hair or watching him sadly when she thought he wasn’t looking. Their concern weighed on him, testing his patience and fraying his temper. So his time in the stables became increasingly precious.
It was a better distraction that he expected, giving him large chunks of time where he didn’t think about the dead at all. It wasn’t happiness. Kaie didn’t think that was possible anymore. But it let him slip into a sort of numbed contentment that was just as soothing as the goop Peren used on his hands that first week.
Apparently it showed because Stephen decided to add more responsibilities to his daily routine. Now he was brushing down the horses as well as any of the other men in the stables. He was surprised to discover he genuinely enjoyed the task. Each animal was unique, dealt with him in a different way. Some trusted him without thought. But his favorite, the stallion, was a challenge. He needed to prove himself over and over.
In a rare instance of conversation with Stephen, Kaie learned the dark brown beast was a rescue of sorts. He was mistreated by his former Mistress. Lady Autumnsong was so distressed when she witnessed it that she offered three times what the horse was worth just to get him away from the unworthy owner. But even after a year in the Autumnsong stables, he still expected the pain from his past. Kaie didn’t blame him. Some hurts never healed.
He was caring for the stallion, taking care not to get too close to the teeth that were always eager for unguarded flesh, when Sojun arrived.
The sallow husk that rambled up and watched him without a word was, at first, completely unrecognizable. Kaie continued his work for a while, trying to sort out why he was of such interest to what looked like a corpse. Everyone else in the stable was gone, melted away so completely only the stranger’s presence could account for it. He was just starting to worry about plague when he noticed the thick black collar.
He couldn’t breathe. Gods, where did all the air go?
Vaughan promised to make this happen. It took many mornings and more than a handful of arguments, but the boy finally accepted that Kaie wouldn’t be dissuaded. Still, a part of him didn’t really believe. All Vaughan needed to do was wait him out, after all. In another day or two, the Lady Autumnsong might well be handing him over to Luna and her experiments. Kaie wouldn’t even hold it against him. But he kept his word after all.
A nip on his hand woke him. The stallion, in a very uncharacteristic act of mercy, decided not to take his fingers when he bit. But even the gentle, almost affectionate, press of teeth to skin was enough to draw blood. It was his own fault, forgetting what he was doing and letting his hand hang in easy reach. And, despite the pain, Kaie was relieved. Finishing his work and wrapping his hand gave him a task to occupy himself while he worked on sorting out the cacophony in his head. Sojun seemed content to watch, saying nothing and rocking slightly from one leg to the other.
He finished too quickly. With nothing else to do, there was no reason not to speak. But Kaie still didn’t know what he needed to say. This wasn’t the strong protector from his memories. He was barely a shell of that boy. Kaie couldn’t wrap his mind around this transformation. Even as he noticed features that undeniably belonged to his heart’s brother, he was trying to convince himself he was wrong. Sojun’s hair would never be thinning like this. Those might be his eyes, but they would never be so bloodshot, so vacant. His friend’s shoulders would never be so stooped, his flesh never so loose. But it was Jun. He couldn’t pretend it wasn’t, no matter how hard he worked at it.
The silence stretched and pulled taut. Either he needed to speak or leave. It was past the point where he must choose which, and was fast becoming intolerable. Even when he opened his mouth, Kaie wasn’t sure which of the two he was picking. He was so grateful for words coming out, he almost didn’t notice what they were.
“You’re alive.”
Sojun laughed. But the sound was all wrong. Like he was mimicking a laugh he heard from someone else. It didn’t feel fake, not exactly, but displaced.
The next words were harder. Impossible. But if he didn’t get them out now, Kaie knew he wouldn’t. He was too much of a coward. “Amorette is dead.”
The corpse nodded, his eyes darting up and around like a stone ricocheting off walls before finally settling on the stall door Kaie just closed. “Mistress told me.”
“Lady Autumnsong?” He was genuinely confused. The question drew another of those odd laughs.
“Real Mistress. My love. My nightmare. Mistress.” He rubbed at his arms, twitching with every gesture. Kaie couldn’t tell if it was because moving hurt him or because his whole body was shaking slightly. “She says you killed her.”
His words got stuck on something thick in his throat and came out sounding strangled. “I guess I did.”
Sojun nodded. Like they were discussing the weather. “Amorette. Ams. I remember her, sometimes. Pretty like sunshine. She came to see me. Mistress brought her. She said you fucked her.”
Kaie flinched. “Yeah.” He took a deep breath, forcing the words past the blockage developing in his throat. “I’m so sorry, Jun.”
“She wanted me to hurt. Mistress too. Mistress likes it when I hurt. Hurting will make me stronger. But I didn’t. Not then. Not for that. I told her. She got mad, but I told her.”
“Told her?” Kaie wasn’t even sure which ‘her’ they were talking about or if Sojun knew.
“I forgive him. You. I told her. She was mad. Mistress was mad. Said it was weak. I’m not supposed to be weak. But I don’t lie to Mistress, so the girl wasn’t allowed to hit me.”
Kaie rocked backward. “You forgive me?”
“That’s what I told her,” Sojun answered, not seeming to understand what Kaie meant. “The first time she was mad and Mistress was mad. But last time, Mistress said it was okay. That it was good. Because you were going to come see me soon, and we should still be friends.”
“Last time?” He tried to sort out what the man was saying. “Amorette told you we had sex more than once?”
“Sixty-seven times. Counting, counting. Every time it’s not me, she counts. She says you are bigger than me. Better. That you make her scream so loud the people in your house want to move out.”
“What?” Kaie struggled to keep the anger out of his voice. “No! One time, Jun. Just one. It was a mistake. I don’t know why Amorette said that, but I swear it was only the one time.” That was a lie. He knew exactly why she said it. She wanted to hurt them both, as much as she could. Wasn’t that what she told him?
“I told her, I forgive you. Amorette was weak. She had to be weak, to be dead. Only the weak ones die.” He frowned, the right side of his face jerking independently of the rest of the expression. “I was weak, once. Before Mistress taught me how to be strong. I said things. Secrets. Bad secrets, ones that were supposed to stay hidden inside me until they put me in the ground. One about you.”
“I know. It’s ok, Jun. It wasn’t your fault.”
Sojun spat at his feet. “Was! I was weak! Filthy, bad, weak!” His face shifted. Emptied. Like something reached in and yanked out whatever was left inside the husk of his friend. When he looked back to Kaie, there was nothing recognizable in those hollow eyes. “Don’t let her get you, Rosy. Better weak, better dead, better anything, then with Mistress.”
“I don’t get a say in it, Jun.” Needing some excuse to look away, Kaie headed over to where the feed was kept. It was too early. Stephan would be as upset as the stoic man ever got. But better that then stare into that vacant face another second. “All I can do is wait and see what Lady Autumnsong decides to do with me.”
Fingers that were more like claws wrapped around his arm. They dug in so deeply it hurt. “She’ll give you to Mistress. Has to. Mistress said so. But you can’t let her. Take the other way. Promise. Promise you’ll take the other way.”
“There isn’t another way!” He was ashamed to be yelling. But he did it anyway. Better shouts than the tears burning in his eyes. “If I die, they’ll blame Peren! I can’t
do that to her! Same thing, if I try to run! There’s nothing I can do that won’t get her killed!”
“Not nothing. Bad, filthy, weak. But not hers. Not dead. Keep your promise. Not nothing. Something. I can help. Keep her from getting you.” Sojun dropped his hold. The stable doors called to Kaie, pleading with him to walk out now. He saw enough, said enough. He wanted to tell Sojun and now that was done. He could walk away and wait for tomorrow with that one thing lifted from his conscious. That could be enough.
He turned around. Sojun’s face split into a grin, the right side still jerking. “What?”
Thirty-Six
“Lord Peter won’t let me see you tomorrow,” Vaughan said miserably, poking at the food in the bowl with a clear lack of interest. “I tried explaining, but… He’s afraid of what Lady Luna would think. He didn’t want to let me come tonight.”
Kaie smiled, secretly relieved. Getting through tonight would be hard enough. He wasn’t sure he could survive a scene tomorrow as well. “It’s ok. Honestly, I think you’re making this too big of a deal. The Lady Autumnsong likes me, remember? And Stephan said he’s going to tell her how invaluable I am at the stables. Everyone knows Samuel hurt girls, right? I bet she decides I get a few lashes and then things go back to normal.”
“Yeah,” Vaughan said, the boy’s tone making it