Blake sat on a bench along a trail in a forested area. If he looked in the right direction he could see a bit of the roof of the retreat center through the trees. It was remarkably quiet. The loudest thing was the sound of the trees as the wind blew through. Blake should have been calm and relaxed, but somehow he felt uneasy.
For the next hour, the prayer retreat participants we supposed to seek God on their own. Blake looked around, half expecting to see somebody coming, or a bear or something. He wasn't sure what he was expecting. He couldn't find anything more threatening than a black ant on the toe of his shoe. He started to brush it off, but he watched it for a moment. He thought about this ant, going about his business and so totally unaware of the wants, desires and needs of the huge creature in his presence. It was silly to think that the ant could understand Blake's thoughts.
As Blake watched the ant move off his foot and down onto the dirt, Blake realized that he was supposed to be communicating with a being that he couldn't comprehend any more than the ant could comprehend him. At that moment the whole idea of prayer seemed ludicrous. How in the world could he even talk to God?
Even as he posed the question, the answer came to him. Unlike with the ant-human relationship, God loves him. God has come down to him. God desires a relationship with him. Furthermore, God knows him, knows his mind, because God created him. While God could treat him the way humans treat ants, He has chosen to seek a relationship with His people. Without God, with His power and love, seeking the relationship, it would be as fruitless as an ant trying to talk to him.
He began to pray, “Oh my Lord, my God, I thank you so much that you love me. I don't know why you would love me the way You do. I think You and Elaine are the only ones that have ever really loved me. Lord, after the childhood I had, I thought nobody would ever love me, but then you gave me Elaine. Through Elaine I really learned what love was really about. While I still miss her so much, I now know about the incredible miracle of the love you have for me.
“I don't feel like I have much to offer you in return but my love and my life. Lord, I give you my life. Take it and use it for your purposes, and your kingdom. I surrender to you everything I have. Take my job, my home, my thoughts, my money, my friends, my time and my body. Everything I value is on the table for you, Lord. My life doesn't seem to have much value, but I give it to you. Perhaps you can do something with it. I want to serve you more than anything else. I want to be a part of your kingdom. Allow me to serve you in whatever way I can.
“Lord, I am so sorry for the times I am unfaithful. I am sorry for the times I seek the interests of Blake instead of your interests. I am so sorry for the times that I doubted you. I am so sorry for the times that my faith was inadequate, and I worried or got depressed. You, Lord, are good and faithful. There is nothing that You can't do. Your love goes on and on, without fail. I am so grateful that you are a patient God and that you never gave up on me.
“Lord, I ask that your blessings might rest on Mark and Beth, on Nikki, on Andy, he really needs you, and on Bob and Pat. Please take care of my Elaine. Also Lord, I hadn't even thought of her for a long time, but if my mother is still living, help her to know that real joy is to be found in You and can never be found in a bottle.
“I thank You for giving me the wonderful gift of love. Even when I never knew what it was all about, You showed me. Even when I never deserved it, You mounted a wooden cross and died to prove your love to me. Lord, how can I show my gratitude? What can I do to even repay a bit of my debt to You? How can I serve you? Please speak to me. Please make yourself clear, because I'm not very good at listening to you.”
With that, Blake sought to empty his mind of everything but the Lord God and waited. When other thoughts tried to intrude into his mind, he fought to focus on God alone. Out of nowhere, he found himself thinking about Mr. Maras, a middle school teacher that had a tremendous effect on Blake's life. This man had taught so much more than geometry, but in a crazy way had reached out to touch the lives of his students. With a small fondness of the memory, Blake pushed that thought out of his mind to focus on Jesus. He thought of Jesus on the cross, what would that Jesus tell him? His mind shifted from Jesus on the cross to Jesus sitting teaching a group of men, molding and forming them with his teachings. Almost superimposed over this image came a picture of Mr. Maras helping form his students in the classroom. Blake forcibly pushed this thought out of his mind and continued to wait on the Lord to speak to him.
After a bit, Blake, gave up on hearing from the Lord right now. He read some Psalms, praying some verses to the Lord as it felt appropriate to do so. Soon it was time to return to the retreat center. As he got up to walk back toward the retreat center, he was startled to see a doe and fawn at the edge of the woods, they couldn't be more than 30 feet away. Blake and the deer stared at one another for an exaggerated moment, before the deer bounded back into the woods. As a city boy, Blake was thrilled to have seen the deer so close to him. He found himself whispering, “Thank you so much Lord. That was wonderful. You are an awesome God and the author of a beautiful creation.”
With a bounce in his step, Blake continued toward the retreat center building. He thought of how the doe was taking care of the fawn, teaching it about dangerous things (like him). He had missed out on most of the parental guidance that many kids take for granted. He knew that there were many kids today, where their parents don't have the time or the desire to nurture them. Mr. Maras had come into his life at a critical time, helping provide essential love and support.
There had been a time, when Mr. Maras had been in his life, that Blake had dreamed of becoming a teacher. What this one teacher had managed to do in Blake's life was so precious that Blake had seen it as a heroic profession.
Suddenly Blake stopped walking, closed his eyes and said out loud, “Lord, is that what you were trying to tell me? Do you want me to resurrect that dream? Do you want me to teach?” While Blake didn't get any obvious response, this whole idea had an odd feeling of 'rightness'. He vowed to continue praying about this idea, to determine whether this might really be from God.
CHAPTER 22
“ After the earthquake there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire there was a voice, a soft whisper.”
1 Kings 19:12