Several months went by ? maybe more ? and with the murders stopped, even walkin' home from school was acceptable again. I don't think Momma worried much about it, but something told me, in the back of her mind, she would always worry 'bout me.
I usually tried to walk home with my bestest friend Heather. We always have a good time together. Funny how we never really talked about the murders. In fact few people seemed to talk about them. Oh they'd mention the killings but not in any great detail. It was as if they just wanted to put those bad things in the past, forget them, pretend like they really didn't happen at all, like they were just part of a bad dream or somethin'. It seemed odd to me, but I guess human nature is to ? well deny ? fall in to denial in situations like that. I guess? It just didn't seem to work for me though. Maybe it was because I felt closer to the whole thing than some other folks. You know 'cause my Daddy being the Chief of Police and all. I was just more involved in it from the start I guess; and certainly in the end ? unfortunately.
Well Heather and I, we would skip home and play our little tricks on the boys. We'd take the long way if we could get away with it. We seemed to find a new long way every day, though it don't take too awful long to run out of ways to get somewhere's in the big town of Barnsdall.
There were days when we'd stay up by the school and watch football practice and there were days when we'd make our way down to Big Hole and watch the rapids flow. Sometimes we'd head off into the woods and go into Skeleton Cave; that's down on the other side of the creek from my house. You have to cross the bridge over into Wrangle Heights and then make your way back up the creek bank for a while. It's a ? well a medium sized cave that's all rock. Of course it looks like a skeleton, that's where it got its name. It's real cool and just a little scary at night; well that's what I've heard, 'cause I wouldn't dare go down there at night. Heck I got in enough trouble on the days I went down there during the day; you know 'cause I'd be so late home after school, Momma would be pretty upset but she'd get over it quick.
There was a calmness about the town. Most folks seemed to be in real good spirits. I know I was. Heather was too and we made the most of our walks home together.
Lookin' back now, I remember how startled I was when I figured out that those walks with Heather; those long walks home that seemed like they'd go on forever, were the last carefree walks I'd take for a long time.
Funny how when you're young you just think all things will carry on and be the same. Momma tells me life is change and part of growin' up is learning how to deal with change and ? and especially how to deal with loss; as loss is simply the worst kind of change. I get it ? believe me I get it, but I just don't want to get it. I guess what I'm saying is I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.
During the carefree walkin' home days, as I like to think of them, I noticed so many good things; heck even flowers smelled better. But I suppose the thing I noticed the most was how well the other kids at school treated me. Even folks down to the Barnsdall Market or the Post Office or coffee shop seemed to treat me ? well better than before. It still bothered me that my likability would rise or fall dependin' on how the folks in town felt my Daddy was doin' his job as Chief of Police. That has always stuck in my craw.
I never felt like I've had more friends in my life, true friends, than during those days. Seemed like Daddy was a hero and I was gettin' kudos just for being related to him. Like some of his mojo must have rubbed off on me, you know like through genes or somethin', or maybe even just bein' 'round him so much.
I chose not to look a gift horse in the mouth ya know. I knew that the first time Daddy did something folks didn't like ? well I'd become unlikeable again too. So I just accepted that folks were treatin' me good and tried not to get too wrapped up in it. Although, let me tell ya, it's hard; it's real hard not to want things to always be the same when you're liked. You just want things to go on bein' good for ya, know what I mean? Of course you do, as Miss Jennings would say.
Another thing I really enjoyed about those days was how Momma seemed to be so happy and relaxed. Miss Jennings was right about that, that Momma seemed calmer. I think she feeds off of Daddy's emotions a lot. I 'spose that's part of a wife's job? I don't get that at all.
Seems when Daddy's in a good mood so's Momma; just as much so. And when Daddy's in a bad mood ? well Momma gets all flustered. Not like I get flustered, you know just kind of sick of Daddy's behavior. No, Momma gets more like ? sad or something. Maybe it's more frustration, yeah that's probably a better way to put it ? frustrated. Momma wants Daddy to be happy and she gets frustrated 'cause she can't make him happy. She tries to keep him in line by scolding him for cussin' at the same time she praises him for keeping our town safe. Momma tries too hard really. That's what I think. I think she should just let Daddy work it out himself. But then again, maybe without Momma as a calming force, Daddy would get real bad? Maybe Momma ain't to blame for how good or bad Daddy is; maybe she is to blame. Sometimes my mind gets crossed up on that one. I do think she enables him quite often though. E-n-a-b-l-e, meaning to make possible or to cause. In fact I know she enabled him.
I don't think Johnny knew the difference between those good days and the bad ones; just too young to know really. That's good for him. Ignorance is bliss. He's not too impacted by what happened back then, during the killings or the good days. He's not too impacted now either. He was just too young to grasp what was goin' on. I sometimes envy Johnny for that. Yes, I know that's one of those seven deadly sins ? but I do envy at times.
Yes, I enjoyed those carefree days. But ? as most things ? they couldn't last. Sometimes, when I want to go to a happy place in my mind, I drift back to then. Back then ever'thing made sense; things were in order ? good order. Momma and Daddy seemed to be happy ? we seemed to be a family in the best way.
I agree with Momma change is part of life. Even good change can be hard to get accustomed to, but when the change is completely negative it makes things extra hard. I often feel I'm still too young to be so against change ? but change sucks!
***
Out of the blue ? Bam! Just like that. It started up again.
Survival Of The Fittest
As told to me by Angie (well most of it), the daughter of volunteer fireman,