“Then you told him about your anxiety?”
“No. I didn’t want to use it as a defense. To make it seem like I was making excuses. And I really don’t want them to treat me differently.”
“That’s a stupid argument.”
“Thanks.”
“You told me.”
“But my friends aren’t you.”
“What does that mean?”
“You’ve . . . you’ve seen things they haven’t. I’m worried they won’t understand.”
“Maybe you should trust them.”
“But I have no idea how they’ll react.”
He nodded slowly.
“What?”
“You mean you can’t control how they’ll react. You’re worried they won’t like you.”
I picked a flaky piece of paint off the rail by my head. “Yeah.”
“You need to tell them.”
“I will when you send your letter.”
He gave a short nod. “Well played.”
The breeze coming in from the still-open door picked up and I shivered.
“My ears are cold,” I said.
One side of his mouth lifted into a half smile, but he didn’t move.
I used the rail to pull myself to standing. “Let’s go.”
He stood as well, and as I turned on my flashlight and shifted to head down the stairs he stepped in front of me. I took a surprised gasp. He put his hands over my ears. They were warm. “I don’t mind being your distraction, but I won’t always be here.”
“I know.” And he was right. I needed to let my friends in and make sure I could work through things on my own before he really did disappear. I needed to make sure I no longer needed a distraction.
CHAPTER 32
Between the hospital and library visit I had been gone way longer than I told my parents I would be. I opened the front door, carrying my boots under my arm, and shut it as quietly as possible, hoping that if I just snuck into my room they’d think I’d been here the whole time. But when I turned around my brother was standing in the hall, leaning against the wall, staring at me.
“Owen!” I squealed. “What are you doing here?”
“Wednesday classes got canceled, and since I only have Monday, Wednesday, Friday classes, I thought I’d take Friday off and make a week of it.”
“It must be nice to be in college, playing by your own rules, being your own boss.” I smirked at him.
“Looks like someone else I know is her own boss too. What’s up with being gone all night?”
I rolled my eyes. “It’s only nine. And I was just saving the world, one coma patient at a time.”
He scrunched up his face. “Sorry. Is he still not doing well?”
“Actually Dax is doing much better.”
“Who’s Dax?”
“Dax? Did I say Dax?”
Owen raised his eyebrows and nodded his head.
“I meant Jeff. He got out of the ICU today. The doctors say things are looking good. So hopefully things are only going to get better from here.” I was rambling, so I stopped.
“That’s good about Jeff. Now who’s Dax?”
My cheeks went hot.
“Wow,” Owen said.
“No, it’s nothing. He’s a friend.”
“Ha. That’s not what it looks like. I want to meet this friend.”
I shoved his arm. “Don’t be such a brother.”
I started to escape down the hall when he stopped me with, “Why are you carrying shoes?”
“These got left in the library. I picked them up today.”
“First time back?”
“Yep.”
“And you handled it okay?”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“Oh, I don’t know, last time you were in the library you fainted with a panic attack.”
“I handled it.” With help.
He gestured toward the kitchen. “Just a heads-up: Mom was worried about your emotions and stuff visiting the hospital so much.” And this was another reason I had a hard time telling my friends—I already had enough people worried about my emotions.
“Look at you, home fifteen minutes and already playing my spy.”
He looked at his watch. “I’ve actually been home for two hours. You haven’t been.”
“Details, details.” I finished my walk down the hall toward my room.
He called after me. “You owe me some quality sibling time this week. No acting like I’m not here.”
“I’ll pick out the nail polish color tomorrow.”
“Hey now. I pick out my own nail polish,” he said. I smiled and closed the door behind me, then sank to the floor. I felt a headache forming behind my eyes. I hoped I could go to sleep fast tonight, not play and replay the day in my head for hours like my brain sometimes liked to do.
Dallin stood at the head of the lunch table the next day like he was conducting a meeting. I had a lingering headache from the day before, and this looked like it was only going to make it worse.
He pounded on the table with his fist to get our attention. “Jeff got out of the ICU yesterday, but his mom requested only one visitor a day. I’m sending you all a text right now with the schedule for the next seven days. If you can’t do the day I assigned you, try to find someone to switch with.” Serious-Dallin was tripping me out. I wasn’t used to him.
My phone buzzed with his incoming text. I pulled up the schedule.
Today—Connor.
Wednesday—Avi.
Thursday—Zach.
Friday—Dallin.
Saturday—Lisa.
Sunday—Morgan.
Monday—Autumn.
Repeat until the Jeff is Free party that I will host when Jeff is free.
Seriously? He was going to play this game? It was obvious he was still mad at me. The rest of the group was busy talking and switching days. I looked up at Dallin. He played innocent.
Lisa leaned over to me. “I’ll switch with you.”
“But you haven’t seen him yet.”
“It’s okay. He’d rather see you.”
“I don’t know that he knows who he’s seeing. It’s fine.” I could handle this if it would make Dallin feel better.
“Maybe he’ll start doing better and his mom will allow more visitors.”
I nodded. “Hopefully.”
When the bell rang and everyone had cleaned up their stuff, Dallin lingered behind until we were the only two left. “It’s only fair, Autumn,” he said. “Since you’ve already seen him a lot.”
“I agree. Good job,” I said. It was obvious he wanted me to get mad at him, but I was determined to mend our friendship.
Just because I couldn’t see Jeff, didn’t mean I wasn’t going to get a report. I needed that for my mental health. So the next morning, I found Connor before first period. He was at his locker, shoving more papers into an already paper-filled mess. “How was he?”
“What? Who?”
“Jeff. You saw him yesterday, right? How was Jeff?”
“Oh. Hi, Autumn. Nice to see you this morning too.”
I smiled. “Hi, Connor. How has your morning been so far?”
“It was good. I overslept, I—”
I smacked his arm. “Connor. Come on.”
He laughed. “He was fine. Really tired, but he looked good. The doctor said he should be more and more alert every day.”
“That’s good. So good.” Six more days until I could see him for myself. I could handle six more days.
I held my camera up to my eye and twisted the outside ring back and forth, making Owen go from blurry to clear over and over again.
“You’re not taking my picture, are you?” he asked from his spot on the couch next to me.
“Don’t worry, diva. I know you like to do your hair first.”
He pointed the remote at the television and clicked it off. “Actually, not for your pictures. You have a way of capturing things that looks good every time.”
I
was caught off guard by the compliment. “Thanks.”
“I’m serious. Is that what you’re thinking for college? Photography?”
“No. Not at all. It’s too . . .”
“Risky?”
“Yes.”
“And what’s wrong with risk? What’s wrong with going after the uncertain choice? The one you haven’t planned to a T.”
“You know what’s wrong with that. It would stress me out too much. I need security.”
He reached out for my camera and I handed it to him. He put it up to his eye and took a picture, then looked at the result on the screen with a sour face. “All I’m saying is you have talent.”
“You’re my favorite brother.”
“Always.”
I collected my camera back from him.
“I thought you’d be at the hospital today,” he said.
I groaned, trying not to think about it. “Today is Avi’s day.”
CHAPTER 33
“Jeff talked to you?” I asked, still not believing it. Why wasn’t Avi jumping up and down like I wanted to? Why hadn’t she called us all last night? “This is amazing news!” Relief poured through me.
Avi opened her bag of chips, then shrugged. “Has he not done that before?”
The four of us—Lisa, Morgan, Avi, and I—were sitting together in the cafeteria. The boys were at some baseball lunch meeting. I had stopped eating the moment she shared the news.
“What did he say?”
“Not much. Just hi and asked how long he’d been there.”
I tried to control the tiny bit of jealousy that Jeff had talked to Avi first, that I had missed it, and focus on the huge amount of joy that he had talked at all. “Did you tell his mom?”
“Was I supposed to?”
“No, it’s fine. I’m sure she knows. Whose turn is it today?” Instead of waiting for an answer, I pulled out my phone and referred to Dallin’s text.
“Zach’s,” Morgan said at the same time I read it.
“You think Zach will switch with me?” I asked.
“Probably not,” Avi said.
I groaned. Why had I turned over the scheduling power to Dallin in the hospital? I was trying to be nice, but it hadn’t made a difference.
Lisa squeezed my arm. “Do you want me to talk to Dallin?” All my friends thought Dallin was being unreasonable too.
“No.” Because if I were being honest, there was still a bit of fear in me that Jeff really didn’t care about seeing me. We weren’t together, we never had been. What made me think I was so special?
I had passed Dax in the hall after lunch and slipped him a note. A note that had told him to meet me between sixth and seventh period where I now stood—behind the cafeteria. I hadn’t anticipated the Dumpsters and the stench they’d be emitting.
Dax rounded the corner, his stride slow and confident. He looked at the trash when he got to me and raised his eyebrows.
“I was hoping you could help me find my retainer. I think it got thrown away.”
The pleasant look dropped off his face. “Really?”
I laughed. “No.”
He smiled.
I grabbed onto the lapels of his jacket and pulled him a little closer to me.
“Hi,” he said in a low voice.
“Hi,” I sighed.
“Do you even wear a retainer?” he asked.
I flashed a wider smile. “Only at night. What about you? Did you ever have braces?”
“That wasn’t exactly top priority for any of my foster parents.”
“Well, then you got lucky, because you have very pretty teeth.”
He shrugged. “You haven’t looked close enough, then.”
I tilted my head and he gave me a fake smile that made me laugh. His front two teeth overlapped a little and his bottom ones were a bit more crooked, but they weren’t distracting at all. “I was right, very pretty.”
He took a fistful of either side of my sweater at my waist and said, “You’re not a very good liar.”
His hold made me feel light on my feet, like I wasn’t quite touching the ground. I braced myself with my palms against his chest. “Then you must not be good at reading me anymore because I’m not lying. I, on the other hand, am excellent at reading you. Just like in that game of rock, paper, scissors we played. Read you like a book.”
He laughed. “I’ll work on my poker face.”
“You should come over today after school.”
“To your house?”
“Yes, my brother is in town. I think you’d like him.”
“I don’t like anyone, remember?”
I took another small step forward. “I don’t think that’s true.”
“I do like distractions,” he said.
“Me too.” It was obvious he didn’t want to meet my brother, probably thought that meant commitment or something. “Okay, fine, there’s a park by my house. You have my address? It was on that letter my parents sent you.
He nodded.
“Meet me at the park? Four o’clock?”
“I will try.”
“Try hard.”
He smiled, and I could read his face. It said he wasn’t coming. I pretended not to notice. I wasn’t going to give him an easy way out. If he didn’t want to come, he’d have to not come knowing I was sitting in the cold, waiting for him.
Dax and I headed back around the cafeteria and through the main doors together. I said, “Bye,” and he gave me a head nod as we split to go separate ways. That’s when I saw Lisa leaning against a locker, staring at me. I smiled.
She dragged me by the arm into the closest bathroom and said, “Spill. Now.”
“Spill what?”
“You know what. I saw you pass him a note after lunch. How do you know him?”
I checked under each stall to make sure they were empty. “He was in the library with me.” There was no use in keeping it a secret anymore.
“Dax?”
“Yes.”
“Dax Miller?”
“Yes,” I said with more emphasis.
Her brow wrinkled in confusion. “He was in . . . wait . . . he was in the library with you? All weekend? As in trapped? As in you weren’t alone?”
“We were trapped together.”
“NO WAY!”
“Yes . . . way.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I’m sorry. He swore me to secrecy. Long story. Not one for the bathroom.”
“You’ll tell me all the details later?”
“Yes.”
“Was he . . . ?” She searched for a word to finish that sentence.
“He was nice, fun.”
“Fun?”
“Okay, not like Jeff fun. He was a little cold at first, standoffish. But once we’d been there for a while he was . . . fun.”
“That’s so crazy. You know Dax Miller now. Nobody knows Dax Miller.” She paced in front of the sinks. “You know Dax Miller.” She stopped with a gasp. “Wait. Do you know know Dax Miller? Have you guys like . . . ?”
“No.”
She smiled. “Huh. He’d be a good kisser, don’t you think? Those lips, those eyes.”
I shoved her arm. “Stop.” I could not think about kissing him. I’d already banned myself from doing that.
She studied my face and I knew my cheeks were red.
“You like him,” she whispered.
“No. I don’t. He doesn’t like anyone, and he’s not boyfriend material. At all.”
She didn’t seem to believe me because she said, “Autumn, what about Jeff? He needs you right now. He’s still recovering, then he’s going to have physical therapy and have to get back into life, and negative emotions might have a bad effect on him.”
My jaw tightened. “I know. I’m not going anywhere. There is nothing between me and Dax.”
“Then why are you hanging out with him?”
“He’s just a distraction.”
“Television is a distraction. Dax is a hostil
e takeover.”
“He hasn’t taken over anything.” Nothing at all. He wanted to be gone as soon as possible—no attachments—and I had just needed something to keep my mind occupied. Things would be back to normal soon.
CHAPTER 34
I got a text during seventh period from Mrs. Matson.
Jeff asked about you. Can you come after school today?
Jeff asked about me. Jeff was awake enough to talk and he asked about me. This was great news . . . really great news, I told myself again.
I texted her back.
Yes! Of course.
It was all my brain could think about the rest of school. I went immediately to the hospital after school for two reasons. One, so my parents, who were concerned about my emotional state (thank you for the heads-up, Owen), wouldn’t tell me I couldn’t go. And two, so that I wouldn’t interfere with Zach’s time. He wouldn’t head over until after baseball practice.
By the time I got to Salt Lake the anticipation of seeing Jeff, of talking to Jeff, had me so jittery that my hands were shaking. At first I sat in the car, trying to calm my nerves, but realized that it was only making me more anxious. I rushed through the parking lot and straight to the waiting room.
Mrs. Matson’s smile was brighter than ever. “Autumn, we’ve missed you. You haven’t been visiting.”
“We’ve been on the one-visitor-a-day schedule. Like you said.”
“That was meant for his friends. You’re family, remember?” She gave me a wink.
“Oh. Right.” Dallin would die if he’d heard that.
“Come on. Jeff’s waiting for you.” She tucked my arm in hers and led me to him.
When we walked in, he was asleep. My heart sank. But his mom left me at the foot of his bed and went to his side. She patted his arm. “Honey, you have a visitor.”
He groaned and his eyes fluttered open. “Mom?” It was so good to hear his voice again after two weeks.
“Yes. Hi.”
“Can I get some pain meds?”
“I know you’re sore, but not yet.”
“No respect,” he said, and a small smile flitted across his lips.
I smiled too. It was the first sign I’d seen of Jeff being Jeff and that made me know everything was going to be okay.