“I can’t believe Jana’s fine with that. Dammit, Jeremy, why’d you do that?”
“Would you rather we stayed at a hotel?”
It takes me a few seconds to answer. I don’t want to say it, but I do. “No.” I try to imagine where I’d be right now if not here. The cabin? No, that would never work. The hospital is too far away if something goes wrong. Leah’s? No way. I couldn’t put that burden on her. She’s pregnant and she’d go nuts trying to take care of me. And a hotel would have been really expensive.
“But what about your other place? Where you were with that guy when I called?”
“It’s full of vermin, it’s got holes in the walls, no heating, and everything else. I told you, it’s in the middle of an abandoned renovation.”
“Are you going to finish it?”
“Maybe. If I have help.”
I chew on that for a while, wondering what I should say next. I can see why he wanted to bring me here, but I still feel bad about kicking a woman and a baby out. Especially during this time of year. Talk about a Scrooge move.
“Did you see Cassie?”
“I did. I drove over to see them when you were there at the hospital all knocked out. I saw everyone for about an hour before I went back to be with you.”
“And?”
His voice loses some of its steam. “And, it went as well as you could expect.”
“Which means…?”
“Which means they are cautiously optimistic about my recovery and seriousness.”
“Hmmm. I’m not sure what that means. Were they happy for you?”
“Yes and no.” He sighs, his voice dropping. “I have a lot of amends to make. I’m not expecting anyone to trust me right off the bat or want to help me out.”
“They’re your family, Jeremy. They love you.”
His hand strokes my cheek. “I know they do. They just need some time. And so do I. This real-life thing is hard work.”
I smile, holding his palm against my face. “I’ll help you.”
“I know you will. I’ll help you and you’ll help me, and somewhere in the middle, we’ll find healing and hope.”
“I already have hope,” I say, grinning like a fool. For the first time in a long time I’m being honest about that and not just saying what I wish were true.
“Me too. Being with you gives me strength. It gives me a reason to keep being me, who I really am. The person Laura knew.”
I’m not jealous this time when her name comes up. I’m starting to think I understand why I lost my sight. “I’m happy for you, Jeremy.”
“I’m happy for me too. And I feel really lucky that I get to do this with you by my side. I hope you’ll stay for a while.”
“I have no plans to be anywhere else.”
“Good,” he says, his hand sliding away. “Because I have a surprise for you.”
“You do?”
“Yep. And when you’re ready to climb the stairs, you let me know and I’ll show you what it is.”
The idea of jiggling my sensitive eyes around as I pound up stairs is not appealing at the moment, but soon… soon I’ll see what he has to show me.
“Deal,” I say.
“Oh, and by the way, I rented a special table bed thingy so you can spend some time sleeping face-down the way the doctor said you should.
My mood deflates. “Oh goody.”
“Hey, no complaining. I’m going to get you better so we can start living our new lives, if it’s the last thing I do.”
My heart skips a few beats at him saying ‘our new lives’. Did he mean it the way it sounded? Do I want him to mean it that way? Yes. I do. I really, really, really do. He wants to be with me, even though it looks like someone hit me in both eyes with a baseball bat and I need a shower in the worst way. That has to mean something.
“No pressure or anything,” he adds, sounding nervous. “You don’t have to commit to anything that makes you uncomfortable.”
I take a deep breath in and smile, letting any residual stress I have out with my exhale. “I’m not uncomfortable about anything. Don’t worry. This feels…right.”
Jeremy leans back in the couch and pulls me over to lean on him. “Do you mind if I hang out here with you for awhile?” he asks, kissing the top of my head.
“Not at all.” I lean on him and rest my hand on his chest. Jaws settles in next to my leg. I could stay like this forever, here with him and my puppy in his house, the smell of babies around us. I wonder what he’s going to do about Cassie, but I don’t ask. Not yet. Today is not the day for that, but that day will come, and it will come soon. I’m not going to leave Jeremy’s life until I have it all put back together the way it should be, just like he’s promised to do for me.
Chapter Thirty-Six
TWO WEEKS HAVE GONE BY, and Jeremy’s finally letting me see people. I can’t blame him for his caution. My eyes were seriously scary. There’s still lots of bruising and weird stuff going on, so for our family-style spaghetti dinner tonight, I’m going to be wearing very dark sunglasses. I’m so nervous, I have a stomach ache.
“You like it?” Jeremy asks. I’m standing in the middle of a room he’s turned into an art studio. Jaws is sniffing away in the corner, thinking about digging at the carpet, maybe. I leave him to his adventure, worried if I say no to every single thing he might do but hasn’t yet done that I’ll turn him into a neurotic mess. His life as a street dog has made home life a bit of a challenge for him. But he’s settling in, just like we humans are.
“It’s amazing.” I’m trying not to cry. “Every time I come in here I’m overwhelmed again.” I turn to look at him in the doorway. “You’re too generous.”
He shrugs, looking a little shy. “I do what I can. It’s no big deal.”
It seems strange that we’ve been living together and sharing everything, our deepest thoughts and desires, fears, memories… and yet, we haven’t really touched each other. He kisses me on the head or the cheek and holds me against him on the couch when we talk or watch TV, but we haven’t even gotten close to getting busy in the sex department.
The pressure is building between us as my sight has been restoring itself, but neither of us has made a move or even talked about it. I don’t know about why he’s remained silent on the subject, but I personally don’t want to mess things up, so I haven’t pushed the matter.
I wonder how this is all going to turn out, but I’m not interested in rushing anything. Being roommates, letting him spoil me a little… it’s not the worst thing I could be going through, especially considering my medical condition. Sometimes I wonder — is it possible that we’re too good as friends? That being more than friends would cause everything to fall apart? Should we just keep it this way and forget getting romantically involved?
The realistic, negative part of me says I should just be content with what I have. Not many women can say they have a friend like Jeremy in their lives. He’s kind, considerate, loving, funny, sexy, a good cook, and always up for a board game or a show on TV. Even a chick flick is okay with him. He doesn’t have to work unless he wants to, and he’s been spending most of his time entertaining me. But I’ve also heard him on the phone, making plans with contractors to get the renovation going again. He’s the perfect package as far as I’m concerned. I don’t want to mess that up for either of us, but maybe something more would be something better. There’s just no way to know for sure without risking it all.
“Are you ready to help me with dinner?” he asks.
“Yes, of course. Sure. What do you want me to do?” I follow him out of the room but stop when he comes to a halt in the hallway at the top of the stairs. I almost run into his back, he stops so abruptly.
He turns around and stares at me. “I don’t want this to be weird for you.”
I blink a few times, trying to figure out what he means. “Weird? In what way? Why would it be weird?” Is he talking about the garlic bread?
“I told you before that when Laura and I
were married, we had people over for dinner every Sunday.”
“Yes, you mentioned it a few times, actually.”
“It’s Sunday. Today, I mean.”
I nod. “Yes, it is Sunday. Is that a problem?”
“Is it for you?” He searches my face.
I reach out and rest my hand on his shoulder. “Jeremy. Calm down. Everything’s going to be fine.”
He lifts his hand and takes a clump of my hair in his hand and strokes it, twirling it around his finger lightly. “I just worry about you.”
“About me?” I laugh a little. “Why me? Are you afraid I’m going to have some sort of episode or something?”
He smiles. “No. Don’t be silly. I just mean …” He drops his head. “I have no idea what I mean.”
I step toward him and take him into an embrace. “Just hug me and shut up.”
He pulls me close and hangs on tight. We’ve been doing a lot of hugging these past couple weeks, but for the first time since we were at the cabin, I feel something more than friendship going on. I hang on and inhale the scent of him through his T-shirt. I’ll never get tired of that smell, ever. Is he going to make a move on me? Ask me to sleep with him? What will I say? Well, duh. I’ll say hell yes, if he asks. I may be almost blind, but I’m not stupid.
“We haven’t known each other very long,” he says into my shoulder.
I nod. “Just a few weeks.”
“But I feel like I’ve known you for a lot longer.”
“Me too.”
He holds me tighter. “I don’t want you to leave.”
His voice is so sad, I hold him against me with as much force as I can without hurting my eyes. “I’m not going anywhere, silly,” I assure him.
“You never know when you’re going to go. It’s not our decision.”
I pull back and look up into his eyes. “You have to stop. Stop taking the past and letting it be our present.”
The anguish in his eyes is almost unbearable to see, but I keep staring back so he’ll know I’m here and I’m not going away. Not unless he asks me to. Please, God, don’t let him ask me to.
“I already lost someone who meant the world to me.”
“I know you did. And that was terrible, awful, and completely unfair. But that doesn’t mean life has ended for everyone. Not for you, not for Cassie, and not for your family. They’re all still here. I’m here. You’re here and you’re sober and healthy. Life is moving forward, Jeremy, and this is what Laura wants. I’m sure of it.”
“Has she talked to you again?” he asks, searching my eyes for the answer.
“No. But I don’t feel any bad feelings here. I don’t feel unwelcome.”
“I haven’t talked to her in a long time. Not since the first night in the hospital with you.”
I tip my head to the side, surprised to hear this. “You talked to her then? You didn’t tell me.”
“I figured you had enough to deal with. And I feel bad talking about her all the time with you. I don’t want you to think I’m comparing you all the time.”
I shake my head, feeling guilty at his words. “You can talk to me about her whenever you want. I promise, I won’t get mad. She has a place in your life and in your home. I’m just a guest here.”
Jeremy’s hands slide down to my hips. “But what if you weren’t just a guest. Would your opinion change?”
I pull back a little so I can see him better. “What do you mean?” I’m holding my breath waiting for his explanation.
He shrugs. “I don’t know. I was just thinking that maybe…” He shrugs again, but stops talking.
“Maybe what?” I push on his chest with one hand. “You can’t just say that and then not finish!”
He grins. “Says who?”
“Says the woman who’s going to burn the garlic bread if you don’t start talking.”
“Oh, threats. I like it.”
I grab him by the front of the shirt and pull him to me. “Talk now or forever hold your peace.”
“Fine, fine.” He takes my hands in his and gently detaches me from his shirt, leaning over to kiss me once on the nose before stepping back a pace.
“Where are you going?” I ask nervously.
He reaches into his front pocket and pulls out a small black box.
“What’s that?” My heart nearly explodes when I see that it’s a jewelry box.
“Sarah…” He looks at the box, looks at me, and then gets down on one knee.
“Oh my god,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper. “Jeremy, what are you doing?” Tears well up in my eyes. I have to hold onto the stair railing to keep from falling down.
He looks up at me, tears in his eyes too. “I know you haven’t known me for very long.”
I shake my head, agreeing. My lips are trembling with the energy it’s taking to hold in my tears and emotion.
“But even so, it feels like I know you better than the people in my own family.” He looks down, having a hard time picking the right words, I think. I can completely understand, since I’m speechless myself.
He looks up again. “It’s going to sound really creepy probably, to say this, but I feel like if I’m going to make this proposal to you — this very non-standard proposal — then I should be totally upfront.”
I nod. My voice is all crazy when it finally starts working again. “Yes. Be upfront, by all means.” I grip the railing until my knuckles go white.
“I feel like Laura is telling me something. Telling me that I need to be with you and not let you get away. That we’re meant to be together. So she’s here with us. We’re a three-some, but not in a weird way.”
“No, I understand.” And I do. To anyone but us, it would be creepy. I know that. But to me, it’s not. I get it. I get him. I get her. I get us.
“She loved me so much, she’s reaching out from beyond the grave to make sure I get back to being myself again.”
I nod, no longer able to hold back the tears. They course down my cheeks.
“So my proposal is that I would like to ask you to marry me — someday when you’re comfortable with the idea — and along with me you get the ghost of my wife Laura and my child.”
“Cassie too?” I ask, hoping beyond hope that he means it.
“Yes. I intend to get custody back. I can’t be without her anymore. I’ve been breaking the oath I made to Laura to always care for our family. I’ve been a terrible father, and I need to make things right.”
“Do you know how to change diapers?” I ask, laughing a little through my tears.
“You can teach me.”
I nod. “I used to babysit.” God, this is crazy! But I don’t care! I love this man!
“That’s a great start,” he says. He’s looking up at me with tears making his eyes shine. “So what do you say? You think you might want to hitch your wagon to this crazy train?”
Soooo, so many things are racing through my mind right now. A cabin with a drunk guy in it; snowballs with maple syrup poured over them; a ghost telling me that the man in my painting is not who he really is; me standing under a tree with a bowl on my head; the hours we’ve spent talking about our lives here in this house. Laura’s house. The house where I could live as Jeremy’s wife, if I just say Yes.
But it’s so soon. Too soon. We have so much to learn about each other and he has to learn to be a father before he can be a husband again. I can’t take that away from Cassie. If this love is real, it will stand the test of time. I have to be sure, for all of our sake.
“Can I think about it?” I ask, worried he’ll take it the wrong way, but knowing at the same time that I can’t rush into anything so big.
He smiles, love shining out from his eyes. “You can take all the time you need. I’m not going anywhere.”
I stare at the ring. It’s very sparkly.
“Can I touch it?”
He pulls it close to his chest. “I’m not sure if that’s allowed.” He narrows his eyes, playing the sharp one. “I think
you need to say ‘yes’ if you want to see it up close.”
I try to snatch it away but he holds it out of reach. “Uh, uh, uhhhh … not so fast. You sure you don’t want to give me an answer right now?”
I nearly crumble at this teasing. He’s so sweet, so kind, so damn understanding. I need to be honest.
“What if your family hates me?”
“They’ve already met you, and they love you. Your friend Leah has been singing your praises for weeks.”
“But Cassie. What if she hates me?”
“She won’t. Little kids can’t hate. They don’t learn that stuff until they’re at least ten.”
“What about Jana?” That’s my last question but the most important one. “She’s been a mother to Cassie for almost a year. Don’t you think she’s going to resent me coming in and taking over your life and her baby?”
Jeremy gets up on his feet, slides the ring into his pocket, and takes me by both hands. “She’s going to have to come to terms with the simple fact that I am Cassie’s father. I don’t mean Jana any harm, and I’ll always be grateful to her for what she’s done for me and for Cassie; but I’m Cassie’s dad and I plan to be that man for her for the rest of our lives together. It’s a done deal. I already spoke to Robinson.”
“Robinson?”
“Our lawyer.”
“Does Jana know yet?”
“No. I’m going to talk to her about it tonight.”
I walk backwards, breaking our connection. “Tonight? At spaghetti dinner? No way! I’m not going!”
“Yes, you are.” He walks toward me and takes me into his arms. “I need you there by my side.”
I try to stiffen up and resist, but it’s impossible. His warm steady presence wins me over in seconds.
“It’s going to be okay,” he says in his soothing voice, rubbing my back, “I promise. I’m going to take care of everything.”
“I think it’s going to be a lot worse than you can even imagine.” I can just picture the look on Jana’s face when he tells her he wants to take the baby away. Her baby. Of course she must feel that way, that Cassie’s her daughter. She’s changed her entire life for that little girl. I still remember the loving tone she used when we walked around the museum and she told me all of Cassie’s adventures with crawling and almost walking.