Bracing myself, I twisted the doorknob, stifling feelings of impending doom. "Ash?" I peered around the door to find him walking from the bathroom.
My breath caught at the sight of him. Though he wore jeans, it was obvious that he had just taken a shower. Droplets of water crystallized against his sun-kissed skin. Ash paused from drying his hair with a bath towel. Slicking the dripping locks away from his face, his eyes drew me inward. Beads of water slipped against the shadowed paths his muscles left, causing me to suck in a sharp breath at the sight.
Suddenly, Ash cleared his throat, knocking me from my stupor. "S, you okay?" He crossed the room to place his hands on my shoulders in what was meant to be a worried embrace, but only made the situation worse for me.
"Uh..." Why was I here? Oh yeah, to find the courage to read a letter from a mother I had never known. It was not to gawk at Ash's nude torso or to imagine what it would feel like, if I reached out to catch the beads of water pooling in some decidedly tempting areas.
I handed Ash the envelope, slightly crushed from anxiously kneading it with my palm. "Maye gave me this. It's the letter from my mother. I don't want to read it alone." I shrugged, waiting for a reaction. It was getting more difficult to force my gaze to fasten on anything besides him. Why did he have to stand so close?
Sighing, I spoke in a helpless tone that sounded as if my inner child were speaking. "I want to read it, but not alone. I don't know what to expect from it."
Ash raised his right eyebrow; a dark arc that distracted me from my uncertainties. He allowed an amused grin to break forth from the side of his mouth. That grin matched with that artfully raised eyebrow were so distinctly Ash, that I was immediately comforted.
Ash leaned in to me, his arm reaching past my waist and ascending higher without touching me. I thought he was going to trap me in a blazing kiss that would cripple me in ecstasy. Instead, he moved away, his hand holding a long black sleeved shirt. As he pulled it on, I turned to see the hook on the door behind me, realizing that he had merely been trying to get dressed.
Ash gave a short laugh, shaking his head, and I realized that the awkwardness that had descended upon us since Asmodeus... was completely gone. Somewhere between the battle and now, we had healed. I started to point it out, but realized that verbally acknowledging it might bring it back tenfold.
"Figures, battling an army of demons doesn't faze you, but opening a 16-year-old letter leaves you wanting me to hold your hand." He tossed it into the bed, using his eyes to ask if he should be the one to read it.
I hesitated. Did I really want to take the easy road and allow him to read it aloud? If it hurt me in the end, would I begin to associate those painful sentences with Ash? I shuddered at the though and resigned myself to reading the letter myself.
"I'm going to read it, but could you just sit with me? It would help."
Ash's eyes glistened and he motioned towards the yellow envelope, echoing implications of what could happen, should we sit on that bed; what it could lead to. I was about to protest when I realized that the mattress was the only seating available.
"I guess they couldn't spare some chairs for you, huh?" Laughing, I tried to ease the tension.
"Until now, I didn't have much reason for more than a bed." Ash sighed. "I could stay standing if it would make you feel better. I mean, we used to be able to sit on the same bed together, but I guess it's too awkward now," he said, more for himself than my wellbeing. "You keep saying that you want to go back to the way things used to be, that you miss me..." He leaned forward, searching my eyes. "That will never happen if something as small as sitting on a bed fazes you."
"I do, but I thought you said it would never be the same between us. Anyway, it was just a joke." As I eased into the mattress, I crossed my legs Indian-style, feeling as though the childlike position might bar the sensation that the air had been stolen from my lungs.
Ash sat and turned towards me so that his body was parallel with each side of the bed, facing the headboard. "S..." He scrubbed at his face, as if his palms could remove his frustration or wash away the uncertainty in his moss-colored gaze. "You almost died. Hell, we all did." His hand waved, pointing at the empty space of the room, as if it were filled with our loved ones. "I wouldn't have forgiven myself if my petty words were last things I said to you."
I didn't want our relationship to end on a sour note either, and there was definitely a chance that one or both of us might die during this whole ordeal, but part of me agreed with some of the things he had said lately. "You're right about us not being able to go back to the way things were." I shrugged. "We can't erase everything that's happened." I looked away, hating that I was echoing the hurtful words he had once spoken to me.
Ash reached out, gently maneuvering my face until it was level with his. "No, but we don't have to let those things control us. For good or bad, you're worth it. A wise girl once told me that this is the way it's supposed to be when you love someone." A crooked smile, the one I adored, spread across his face. "Caring about someone isn't logical; it's selfless, because having them as a part of your life is worth anything."
I was dumbstruck. "That girl sounds pretty smart. You should listen to her more often."
Ash leaned forward and tapped me on my nose, his breath warm against my lips. "She has her days."
I was transfixed by his speech and a strange sensation built in my stomach, urging me to close what little distance there was between us. "Ash..."
"Mind if I hide out in here?" The moment was broken by Isis's head pushing through the doorway. Her coffee-toned skin crinkled as she became aware of mine and Ash's expressions. "Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. I just need – you know what? Never mind. I'll find somewhere else."
Isis began to shut the door, but guilt swam over me at her pitiful expression, and I called her name. She stumbled back into the room, effectively barricading us from the rest of the world. "Who are you hiding from?"
"Can't a girl seek sanctuary without explaining herself?" When I continued to look at Isis with expectation, she rolled her eyes. "Okay. I know you two are in your own little galaxy here, but there is some tension building between our jail guards." She paused, shooting the door a look, as if it were going to come to life and scold her for gossiping. "I don't think that the Hellhounds and Draconians want to play truce anymore and I'd rather not be caught in the crossfire." Shrugging, as if her deduction was nothing, she continued, "A few moments away from the drama would be like seven minutes in Heaven right now."
Ash stood, waving his hand in a grand gesture at his room, as if making way for royalty. "By all means, my space if everyone's space...apparently." Ash ended in a dour note, leaning back into the wall, and I wondered if he meant me, as well.
While I understood Isis's need for refuge, the added audience made me more nervous to do what I came here for; to open the letter from my mother. It intimidated me, as it lay where Ash had left it on his comforter beside me.
"S, just open it already."
I looked up at Ash, slightly hurt at his hurried tone. I thought he would be more sensitive, considering...
Isis snatched the envelope before I could decide if I really wanted to open it with her present. "What letter?" Tearing it from her grasp, the aged paper tore slightly and I swore in irritation.
"It's private, it's from my mom."
Isis sneered. "Your mom? If I were you, I'd burn it. Wasn't she basically a murderer?" Her pert nose wrinkled in disgust and she crossed her arms in condemnation.
Ash pushed away from the wall and caught my gaze, pushing me to be courageous. "Not that one." His gaze didn't break as he gained ground, allowing his proximity to be the supportive shoulder I needed, even if I couldn't truly lay my head against it.
I displayed my Seraphinite ring by practically rubbing it in Isis's face. I didn't want there to be any uncertainty about which mother had left me the letter. "My absentee mother, not the crazy one." I winced. "Maye found it before we sold my parents
’ home."
"So, you and Ash were planning to read this letter without the rest of us? I don't think that's very fair since we've already been along on this insane train wreck so far. Besides, don't we all have enough to deal with?" Her eyebrows lifted with determination.
I sighed. "I'm not sure that a letter from a mother I have never met is really anyone else's business."
Isis scoffed. "It is if it might give us insight into every other crazy ass thing that's happened lately. I get you would want to keep this private, but we're all involved now." Her voice softened with empathy I didn't know she had.
"Considering everything that's happened lately, I wasn't sure I would get another chance to read it. If it affected the rest of you, I would have told you, but this is hard enough as it is."
Isis nodded in what I hoped was understanding, before she and Ash exchanged looks and turned back expectantly.
I held the letter with both hands, afraid that it might disappear from my grasp. Waves of raven hair swam into my vision, reminding me of the mother I had known, and I shuddered. She had to be better than her, right?
My hands tightened in fear, but I quickly released them in fear that I may damage the aged contents. Though Maye had already opened it, the closing was still caught against the wax seal, leaving me to gently slip my finger beneath the surface to open it.
I was astounded at what fell into my palm from within the envelope. It was an iridescent charcoal gray and blue feather. It made sense that it would be from her wings. The texture was similar to a bird’s, but with an unparalleled softness. A gentle scent drifted across my senses and Kit awakened, excited at the prospect of something new. It was familiar to me, but the knowledge of where I had come into contact with it lay at arm's reach.
I caressed the feather between my thumb and pointer finger, using Kit’s enhanced senses to try to pinpoint the memory, but nothing came to me. I handed the feather over to Isis, who held it as if fearful of catching a disease from it.
Ash barely quelled his laughter, as he relieved Isis of the feather to examine it himself. "Isis, her mom's an angel, not a leper."
Shaking, I unfolded the letter and stared at the font without taking in the words. A few minutes passed before Ash cleared his throat, startling me from my stupor. Speaking aloud, I read the letter.
My Sweet Miracle,
Right now, you are little more than a concept within my mind, and yet you are more real to me than every nook and cranny of my tiny world. In a sense, that's what I know you will one day become. My world seems miniscule now because you have yet to become a part of it, but once you do, I know that it will expand to the furthest reaches. I know this, because while I may not have grand dreams for myself, I imagine such amazing delights and adventures for you.
Already I think of you and smile, my heart reaches out to you, straining against my ribcage in the hope that the extra inch may be the difference between absence and togetherness. I know that we can't be together at this moment. I have spent so long dreaming of you, but it's not to be. We must await our time, and I know that when that moment comes, it will be worth all of the tears and heartache I have endured.
You are my essence; the very heart of who I am and the best pieces of me. I have given you my dreams, wishes, and future. You need but ask and I will give you more. I will never feel complete until we are one, until I can gaze into your eyes and see your soul reflected back in mine. That solitary moment when a mother and child meet face to face is extraordinary, but in our case it will be more so because of the ordeals I have undergone to find you.
It has been a struggle, a battle of wills and fate, but I can't give up because you are there, waiting for me in my vision of a possible future, and it is the only one in which I can achieve happiness. I will not bear or comfort you in my own womb, but my spirit is with you always. Be safe, my daughter. Know that you are loved and that I will be looking upon you, awaiting the day when I can take you into my arms.
Always & Forever,
Your Mother, Brielle
I wasn't sure how to react. My heartbeat accelerated, blocking all sound, and my vision went black. I was fully aware of the words I had spoken aloud, but rather than gazing at them on the paper, I saw them against the backs of my eyelids, fused in the very depths of me.
As I gained awareness, panic swelled. Isis and Ash were screaming, as if I had parted from my body for some time. My first instinct was to put them at ease, but pandemonium set in, when I became aware of earsplitting sounds from outside Ash's room. Terror resonated through the cottage, bouncing off of walls and slithering through the cracks of the door to encompass me.
I hoped that Isis had been right; the Draconians and Hellhounds were letting off some steam. Though, I knew better, as did Kit. His form was distinct against the fabrication I was trying to construct against the reality around me. The furniture splintering against walls and the utter drowning of fear, prevented me from denial.
Kit growled at the door, alternating between a guard cat with a need to protect those inside the room, and a predator, who wanted nothing more than to tear into our enemies. He sought my eyes for assurance, startling me with the rage emanating from him. He was normally passive, comforting, and more similar to a domesticated cat, that sometimes I forgot his true nature.
Something crashed into Ash's wall and I jumped as it caved inward in a distinctly inhuman shape. Kit growled, backed away, and nudged against my legs. Worried, Ash caught me around the waist, but I was hardly aware of his touch.
The war had followed me here. They had come for me and bloodshed was their preferred method at getting what they wanted. Demons weren't about compromise or treaties. They would create a massacre, if it meant that they could torture me for Asmodeus's death. I shuddered.
Ash and Isis shouted at me to stop as I tried to throw the door open to race towards the mêlée. I couldn't hide like a coward and allow my friends and family to pay the price.
Faces and memories flashed across my mind. The day I met Ash and Maye, Willow's surprise when I started talking to her, Izzy teasing me while shopping because she knew how much I despised it. Then I thought of Griffin, still in the tunnels with no way out, Isis... Liam... I remembered Ash holding me when I cried after a nightmare, his insistence on knowing everything in my life and the way he would hold my hand when I was nervous.
No, I couldn't go there. My mind needed to be present, not in the past. These people were my life and would stay that way, if I had a say in the matter. Prophecy or no prophecy, I couldn't stand by. I could be the end of the world or its savior, but I wouldn't know unless I took charge.
Everyone had been so busy trying to protect me that they seemed to have forgotten that I am the key. I have a choice and I could never choose to be on the sidelines while everyone else lay in a sea of red.
I faced Ash, pulling him closely. "You need to get Griffin out of the tunnels. He's trapped there."
"Really? What do you think you're going to do while I'm saving him?" His voice was filled with annoyance, but worry was rampant in the way he held his shoulders, and the lilt of his voice.
Grasping Ash's bicep, I pleaded with him. "Please... I need you to do this. I can't do what I need to do, if I know someone else is trapped."
Ash shook his head. "What is it that you need to do?" His gaze softened. "Let me guess, this is one of those moments when you ask me to do something, but I don't really have a say in the matter?"
His hands clenched into fists as he stared at the ceiling and mumbled something about my knack for getting myself in trouble, before gaining composure and looking at me once more. He took a deep breath and spoke carefully. "I'd demand that you come with, but you are the most stubborn woman I know, and I know you well enough to see that this is one of those things you just need to do." He groaned, pulling at his shirt, as if forcing himself to refrain from picking me up and forcefully taking me with him.
"Thank you," I whispered while his palm moved to cup my cheek, cradli
ng me, as his thumb massaged the corner of my mouth.
Meaning to join the battle, I moved away from Ash once more, but he grabbed my hand and swung me around to face him. "I will never forgive you if you get yourself killed."
Before I could reply, his lips caught mine in a searing kiss that outshone all others. For the space of a few seconds, I lost all thought to where we were and the events happening around us.
My nerves grew taut, electrified with stimulation. A combination of adrenaline and passion deafened the world around me. I not only felt Ash consuming my lips, but as if in an out-of-body experience, I saw it happening from an outsider’s perspective.
We seemed to spin while everything else remained level. We were lost in time, unfazed by the hurried nature that the sounds of reality represented. Suspended without a care if we perished due to our stolen kiss, I allowed myself to be enveloped by the promise our flesh was creating, while everything else lost momentum and we remained suspended in time. I basked in the silken strokes of his tongue, lingering in the story of everything we had been through together. My soul cried as our connection fused together and I could feel Ash's essence once more. I had been denied any semblance of bond with him for so long, that this pulled every ounce of yearning that had lain stagnant within me.
"That is what will be waiting for you, assuming you don't play the hero and get yourself killed." Ash smiled, pulling away to reveal Isis with a gigantic grin on her face.
The momentary bliss was all the more sharp in contrast to the chaos that I fell back into. Reality was cruel as we emerged from the time we had allowed ourselves. Sound shuddered through my bones, splintering against them like swarms of wasps. I wanted to hide from the pain, as I often had, but Nicolai had removed that option when he destroyed my cage. Instead, I drew from the pain.
My sight zeroed in on the door that lay between me and Hell’s vengeance. A war was what the demons wanted, and I was finally ready to give it to them. After all, I was my mother's daughter. These decrepit beings were threatening everyone I held dear.