Chapter 4
Day 3
I woke up to the sounds of arguing. I was completely confused and slowly opened my eyes. I looked around at my empty room; the sounds had stopped when I opened my eyes. I sat upright and shook my head. This place was already having an effect on me. I glanced at my alarm clock. It was just after midnight. Sighing I grabbed my sketchpad and started drawing a garden. I heard the sound of a child crying again and wanted to scream. I needed more sleep, and fast. Exhaustion was obviously starting to sink in. I put away my sketchbook and lay down. I heard a voice singing twinkle, twinkle little star as I fell asleep.
When my alarm went off for “Sunrise Relaxation” I heard the earsplitting crying sounds again. I walked over to the crib and screamed in shock. There was a baby who looked disturbingly like the baby Kelly from my picture. I stepped back and took a few deep breaths. I picked her up awkwardly and bounced until she stopped crying. I ran out and hunted for a doctor, any doctor.
“I found this little girl in my room; do you know who she is?” I asked nervously.
The woman looked confused, “Sweetheart there is no baby, what’s your name?”
“What do you mean?” I asked nervously. “The baby in my hands, why don’t you see her?”
“Are you Sydney?” She asked kindly. “Is that baby, Kelly?”
I nodded hesitantly, “I am Sydney, but this can’t be Kelly.” Kelly wasn’t real, I couldn’t really see her.
“Look at her again,” She said. “Are you sure that’s not Kelly?” I looked at the baby in my arms and realized I couldn’t say that. She was the baby from my drawing, even if that baby wasn’t real.
“Oh my God,” I said sitting on the floor with my knees up and the baby resting where I wanted to put my head. “Oh my God.” Why was I suddenly seeing baby Kelly? She wasn’t real. This must be some kind of sick joke. I stood up shakily and walked outside to meet up with the others.
When they asked me to participate I adamantly refused. They called the doctors and guards, but no one could convince me to participate. I wasn’t giving anyone this strange baby, especially since I wasn’t sure what was going on. At breakfast I turned to Mary Anne, “Mary, how do I feed a baby? I’ve never fed Kelly and her momma is sick.”
“It’s easy. Want me to do it?” She asked. I nodded frantically and she went to carefully take the baby and put her into the baby carrier they had given me yesterday. I slipped out and went back to my room. I finished my picture when I heard someone bang on the door. I opened it wondering who would bother to knock and no one was there. I shook my head again and tried to clear my head. When I realized it wasn’t working I stormed down the hallway.
I walked to Dr. Adam’s room and slammed the door open. He was alone doing paperwork, “I need help.”
“What’s wrong Syd?” He asked.
I sat down across from him, “Well you see I am hearing things, knocking, arguing, and whispering.”
“And it isn’t any of your room mates?” He asked.
I wanted to tell him the truth, but I couldn’t. They’d send me to a real prison, and I couldn’t risk that. “No!”
“I have some medication that may help you, if you’re willing,” He offered and I frantically shook my head no. I wasn’t crazy. I wasn’t going to take anything. They couldn’t make me.
“Then why don’t you try and hear what the voices are saying when they whisper and argue? You can tell me after.”
I nodded, “Doc, I’m scared. They don’t all seem like nice voices. They seem scary, like Christy.”
“Christy, our patient,” He asked checking.
“Yes, the sociopathic Christy who lives here,” I nodded. “She scares the crap out of me. I mean like makes me want to hide under a table.”
“Christy scares a lot of people,” He agreed. “Now, I’d like to start your full therapy schedule today. Are you ready?” He handed me a piece of paper. “The full schedule will be on the wall in your room as well. If you ever don’t want to do something let me know.”
I glanced down at my paper, “Outdoor exercise.” I shrugged and headed into the small empty yard I’d seen yesterday. It was just grass and a few balls that the guards held unless you asked. Karen was outside and she was jogging. I took a ball and was bouncing it against the building and catching it. Suddenly I felt someone push me into the wall. I turned around and realized Karen was too far away. I returned the ball and just sat down. The whole day had me unsettled. First the arguing, then the baby, and now this.
It was almost time for my second day of art therapy so I went inside to be early. It was really hot so I showered and put on another t-shirt and jeans. Erin was already there.
“Hey Syd,” She smiled.
I forced a grin, “Hey. What are we doing today?”
“We are working on a ceramics project. We’re going to make vases,” She was so excited.
“Erin, were you ever a patient here?” I asked nervously. Maybe she could help me make sense of all this. If she’d had a similar experience I could blame this place.
She smiled and nodded, “Yup. I have mania. I am always on a constant emotional high. Sometimes for months at a time, which they say is a bad things. I disagree. How can never feeling sad be a bad thing?”
“Your right,” I agreed. “Were you always like that?”
“For years,” She said. “Being here has helped me to realize what I shouldn’t do, even though I want to. Plus with the medication I’m on it’s easier. It may not seem like it now, but this place is good for you.”
Then I heard Sarah coming in and we set to work. I loved this, the freedom of art. It was the one time I could be myself and not have any limits. That was a good way to describe art, limitless. It wasn’t restricted by the usual restrictions we deal with in life. Art was freedom and beauty, and just the one brief period of time when you could be anything you wanted to be. Art was a release you couldn’t find anywhere else. When you were angry it was the punching bag for you. When you were sad it was the comforting friend. It was the friend you hang out with when you’re happy. Art took whatever you were feeling and it made it beautiful.
Although our vases were anything but beautiful. Erin said we just needed practice, but I wasn’t sure. They were a mess. I could hardly tell what they were, and they weren’t even hollow so you couldn’t put flowers into them.
After that I headed to lunch. I took the sleeping baby from Mary Anne and went to my room. I wasn’t particularly hungry, even though she tried to convince me to eat. I sat staring at my ceiling and studying the popcorn patterns. I heard the whispering again and strained to hear it.
I am watching. I see all. I know all. I will find you. I’ll kill you. I am always in control. You should fear me, because I am. I grabbed a journal and wrote what he said. You are mine. As long as I am you will be. You are a pawn in my game and I always win.
As the voice stopped I fell into a nightmare.
In the dream it was year later. My hair had grown out too an incredibly long length and was a mess. I was sitting and talking to the air in a corner. I was alone and I knew somehow that the building was empty. Then the people I’d drawn started running at me screaming.
I woke up shrieking and there were four guards and a doctor in my room instantly.
“Sydney, Sydney calm down,” He said. When I continued fighting him away and thrashing he pulled out a needle and stuck my arm. I felt drowsiness and numbness spread through my body. My body grew heavy and I lost the will to push him off. A guard came in and lifted me up. My eyelids felt heavy but I fought a war with them, I had to know where I was going. I just had to. Hey carried me into Dr. Adam’s office and set me down gently on the couch. Knowing I should be safe there I allowed my eyes to drop shut and fell into a medicated and dreamless sleep.
When I woke up it was dark in the room and I was alone. I slipped out and into my room. I grabbed Kelly and slipped into the main room where everyone else was. I sat across from Lilly who sm
iled at me, “Hello Sydney.”
“Hey Lilly, how long have you been here?” I asked.
She thought for a moment and shrugged, “I think it’s been three years. I split for the first time when my mom was drinking and I needed someone to keep me safe. Then I was in and out of foster homes where no one accepted that I was a little girl who blacked out and became someone else. One day I got so mad that I pushed my younger foster brother. He fell down the stairs. He was completely alright, but they realized I needed more help than a weekly therapy session.”
“Did you know?” I asked.
She looked at me and the hints of purple in her eyes were suddenly more obvious, “Know that I was different? Yeah, they never let me forget it. That I had other people living in my body, though I didn’t know till they told me.”
I sat absorbing that information. Could all of it really be just because someone told you it was, and so it became so? Or had it always been a part of me, and I just didn’t know it? I had no idea, and I hated it. I still felt weary from whatever sedative I’d been given earlier and my mind was foggy.
“I’m actually much happier here than I was in the foster homes, because here no one judges me. We’re all different.”
I nodded, “We’re all different, but aren’t all people different?”
Luke walked over, “The question that sometimes drives me hazy am I or are the others crazy?”
I smiled, “Albert Einstein. Very appropriate.”
He smiled back, “I thought so. It’s very true. What if we’re normal and they aren’t? A huge percentage of the world’s people have some sort of mental illness, plus more people believe themselves to see spirits and such. What if that’s normal and the people we call normal are the weird ones?”
“True, very true,” I said.
I ended up losing yet another game of chess to Jerry before calling it quits and heading to bed.
You’ve failed child. You can’t even fend off a simple nightmare. I thought you’d be a tougher nut to crack, but you’re already falling apart. Beating you won’t even take a long time. You’re a child, and not a bright one. I expected more from you. I expected some fight from you, some will power. You seem to be weaker than most people I’ve discovered, and I didn’t expect that. I was hoping for better, for something more. I wanted a challenge. Humans are weak and frail. I thought at first you had more fight in you, but I was wrong. You’re just like the others. Stupid and weak and fragile.