I woke up starving, which was a surprise. I hadn’t been hungry in a few weeks. It shouldn’t have been though, I hadn’t really eaten much either.
I went to meditation, which I hadn’t done in 15 days. I smiled at the ridiculous woman who had given up on me and she smiled back at me confused. I sat on the mat and did all the strange and highly uncomfortable poses. Finally it ended and we all headed inside to get breakfast. I piled waffles, fruit, eggs, and bacon onto a few plates and sat down with Luke. I didn’t really talk much, but I ate. I finished the food I’d grabbed and even grabbed more before cleaning up after myself.
I headed to therapy and the small smile I’d felt growing during breakfast was gone again. Nothing had changed. He talked and I listened. I never really spoke. I’d always been a better listener and Dr. Adams did like to talk. I’d nod, shake my head, or shrug every so often and he’d swear it was “progress.”
After therapy I grabbed my sketchbook and started roughly designing clothes. I started with myself, before moving on to other patients and my hallucinatory friends. The designs were very individual, but all were brighter than the dull navy cotton clothes that were standard issue here.
I walked into the art room and asked if I could order fabric. Sarah smiled and nodded. She sat down next to me while I put in the fabric orders. I knew I could count on Jenny to help me finish fixing things up and do the sewing. Having some different colors and styles of clothes would brighten this place up and it needed that more than almost anywhere I’d ever been. In addition to all the fabric I bought for clothes I also bought fabric to make decorations and things for my room. Everything was too bland. The shades of navy, grey, and white were making me crazy. I needed to see some real colors. I asked for paints and headed into my room.
I moved all the furniture and our stuff into the hallway and started splattering the walls with bright colors. I stood on a chair and painted words around the top of my room in black. “Let the colors of the world remind you that even in the darkest of times, there is still goodness and light.” I stood back and admired my handiwork. The room was remarkably less depressing, and I knew adding furniture would also help. Then I took each of the cold metal bed frames and painted them as I moved them into the room. I painted each person’s name on their bed and then decorated them. Kelly’s became a dark purple with bright blue butterflies on it. Jeremy’s became forest green with various sports equipment pieces painted on it. Jenny’s was a soft yellow with bright blue and orange flowers on it. I did Bob’s in black with red zigzags that went all around the bed. Karen’s was orange with yellow and red designs on it. Finally I did mine. It was an aqua blue with lime green and black scrollwork. I loved them all. I did more designs on the desk and the small shelf, and admired my handiwork.
Once everything was in the room I smiled brightly for the first time in ages. It was perfect, and I could actually look around without wanting to scream. For final touches I painted the roof dark blue with brilliant stars and constellations. Once the bed sheets and such weren’t white the room would look perfect and I’d almost feel like I was home again.
As I stood back admiring the room Jeremy, Jenny, and Kelly walked in.
“This is so cool!” Jeremy screamed. He launched himself at me and hugged me. “Thank you Syd!” He went to go look more closely at what I’d done to his bed.
“I can’t believe you did all this. It’s so beautiful,” Jenny said bouncing Kelly on her hip.
Kelly giggled and smiled, “Pretty colors.” Jenny put her down and she wobbled around looking at things.
I smiled, “Thanks Jen, and your welcome Jeremy. What do you think of your bed?”
“I love it,” Jeremy said. I helped Kelly over to hers and she happily ran her fingers over the butterflies.
Jenny also smiled, “It’s really amazing. It’s almost unrecognizable.”
I beamed, “It’s not all finished quite yet. I ordered fabric to make new sheets and pillows to finish brightening up the room. I also ordered fabric for new clothes.”
“Perfect,” Jenny said smiling. “Sounds like you’ve had a productive day. We were coming to ask if you want dinner.”
I nodded and followed them to the dining hall where I ate way too much food for the second time that day.
After dinner I headed to the room where they liked to collect us all. I sat down with Luke playing chess. He wasn’t the best, but he also wasn’t as awful as some of the residents.
“So you’re eating again,” He said. It wasn’t a question, merely an observation.
I nodded and took his pawn, “Yeah. I realized wallowing in self pity doesn’t help you any.”
He nodded and moved again, “True. So what does help you?”
“Making a difference,” I said moving my knight. “I painted everything today and bought fabric to make new clothes. I need things to look less depressing. Maybe then I’ll feel less depressed.”
He moved into the trap I’d built and nodded, “Maybe. I don’t know for sure though. This place changes things.”
“I have to try.” I said, “This place is making me crazy.”
He chuckled, “Ironic isn’t it that we were put in here because they thought we were crazy, but this place makes us feel truly insane?”
“Irony,” I said chuckling. “Checkmate.”
He rolled his eyes and laughed, “Your good Sydney. Too good.”
“I’ve gotten better and better being here. There aren’t a whole lot of things to do,” I pointed out.
He nodded and set up the board again, “True, very true.”
We talked back and forth for a while and we were finally sent to our rooms. I lied down in my bed and fell asleep easily. Sadly, the nightmares were almost instant tonight, and not entirely rational.
I could feel the shackles around my wrists and ankles, and the others were there too. In front of us opened a wide gate emblazoned “HELL.” I tried to resist, but the guards dragged us past them and they slammed shut with a clang.
The ground under my feet was hot enough that I could feel it through my sneakers. Where you’d expect to find trees or bushes there were huge amounts of fire and the grass instead looked like a molten floor. I was hot and could barely stand it as they dragged us towards the huge metal building.
Inside they stabbed and jabbed at us with brands and fiery pokers that I struggled not to touch. They led us down the hallway and separated us. I was put into a big room and tied to the wall. The heat was almost enough to make me pass out and it was quite painful. I looked up to see my father, brother, and sister lying on the floor. They started to wake up as the faceless shadows came in with the metal pokers again. They jabbed at them making them cry out.
“Stop,” I yelled. “Don’t hurt them. Take me instead.” But the torture continued. A bottle of pills lowered in front of me and I pretended to take one. Instead of stopping the torment it got worse and they began to call out.
“Sissy help!” She yelled from her spot on the floor as a faceless thing finally locked her up in the molten hand cuffs and dragged her away.
“Stop!” I yelled as I woke up. I took in a deep breath and sat up. I tried to calm myself so I wouldn’t pass out. I barely managed to stumble into Dr. Barnes’s office.
“Sydney?” He said. “Nightmares?” I didn’t even nod; I just sat down on his couch “We could help you. I know I tell you this almost every night.”
I began to blow him off as I always did and with that I fell into a dreamless sleep.