Chapter 8
Letters to No One
After getting the tents assembled, Cindi gave everyone a much needed time to rest. She looked over the supplies that were left for them. There wasn’t much to choose from, but no one was complaining because they were all hungry. They grilled hot dogs over a fire they built and ate pork ‘n beans straight from a can. Everyone got a candy bar for dessert and water to drink. C.J. and Maria helped clean up while Jacob, Eugene, and Charlie went looking for more firewood.
After supper, it was time for another counseling session. Cindi said, “We all have hurts. Sometimes life isn’t fair, and often people don’t treat us right. Wouldn’t you like to get a letter from a person who hurt you where they said they were sorry, and that they valued you? The reality is that it probably won’t happen, although you wish it would, but we can’t carry our disappointments with us. They become too heavy, so we have to find ways of letting them go.”
No one seemed to be listening. It was like she was talking to herself. Sarah Beth said, “Can’t we do something fun instead of counseling stuff. It’s so boring.” She was in a bad mood and taking it out on anyone close by because she had injured her leg more after her tumble because she didn’t want to accept anyone’s help except Jorgina who was too hurt to help even herself.
Most agreed with her and was disrespectful to Cindi. They ignored what she was saying and talked amongst themselves, but Cindi calmly continued. “When I was fourteen, I met a boy here at Camp Clearwater. I thought we were in love, even though we were so young. We were together all the time for three weeks. He was the first thing I thought of when I woke up and the last thing I thought about when I went to bed and everything in between. We hated to say goodbye when camp ended and promised to write each other every day. The first few weeks after we got back we wrote each other and promised to meet back here the next summer. I kept writing him but he stopped writing to me for no reason. When the next summer came, I kept my promise to meet him here, but he didn’t keep his.”
Cindi paused and realized that most of the campers had begun to listen to her story. “There was no explanation why he stopped writing me, so I figured he had found someone else. I wished he would have told me something instead of keeping me hanging. For twelve years, I’ve been coming back here hoping he would be here, and I’ve been disappointed every year, but I’ve decided this is my last summer. I have to let him go, and quit thinking that he might change his mind and come back to me. I can’t hold on to something that happened twelve years ago. I just have to forget about him, so I’ve written a letter I wish he would have written me. I have it here,” she said as she held it up in her hand. “I won’t bore you with it,” Cindi said.
“I’d like to hear it,” said Luna. Jorgina and C.J. asked to hear it too, so she read:
Dear Cindi,
I am so sorry that I disappointed you and never came back. I know that must have hurt you. I was a coward. Also I didn’t want to make a big commitment when I was young. I knew there were other girls I would want to date. Actually, when I got home from camp, there was a girl that I had liked all during the school year, and her name was Ashley. She wanted to get back together, and so I did, but the thing is I was still thinking about you and missing you. I wasn’t strong enough to be alone. If I’d kept up the relationship with you, then that would have meant that I would have been alone all during the school year and that would have been too painful for me.
Don’t think that I’ve forgotten about you because I haven’t, and I wish I could see you again to see if there is anything there. I hope so because you are very special, and you deserve to be loved and have someone who will not hurt you. If you give me another chance, I promise I will be that person. Please write me back.
Love,
Joe
After Cindi finished reading her letter, she added that she wrote him a letter back.
“Would you read it?” asked Luna, interested.
“Okay,” said Cindi. Although I know he won’t get it. I needed to put my feelings and pain some place, so I put it in this letter, so I wouldn’t have to keep carrying it around.” She read her response letter to the group as they listened.
Dear Joe,
It is true that you broke my heart. My life has been on hold for the last twelve years, but I decided that I can’t wait for you forever. I decided this was the last year I would wait for you, and that if you didn’t come back, I would just give up hope. Yes, I have tried to see other people, but everyone reminded me of you, and no one compared to you. I remember your eyes, your hair, the way you held me in your arms, the way you made me feel safe and loved. I remember the first time you told me you loved me and how you made me feel special.
The way you treated me was cruel. You made so many broken promises and hurt me all the way to the quick of my heart. I have cried an ocean of tears over you, and I’ve often wondered if you have even thought about me. I’m sure there is someone out there for me, and I know it is past time for me to find him. This is goodbye. I hope you have a good life. Just know you missed out on someone who would have loved you like no one else. I’m sorry you couldn’t see that. But I know I deserve better. This is my final goodbye. I feel bittersweet right now. I regret that it took me so long to let the dream of us being together go, but it feels liberating to finally do it and mean it. It’s over forever!
“That’s weird but my dad’s name is Joe too,” said C.J.
“That’s really not that weird. Joe isn’t that unusual a name. I have an uncle named Joe too,” said Eugene.
“Dude, give it a rest, would you Eugene? You get on my nerves because you think you know everything. I just want to punch you in the face,” said Jacob.
“Really? Stop it Jacob. It was just a letter and I think there is a letter inside each of you that needs to be written. Believe me, it’s therapeutic to get the pain outside of you and onto paper,” said Cindi. Then, she took her letter, wadded it up, and threw it in the fire. Everyone was surprised.
“Why did you do that?” asked Eugene.
“Just as a symbol that the pain I’ve been carrying around is dead, and I don’t want to hold on to it anymore,” she explained. “I’m going to challenge each of you to write your own letter. You are welcome to share them with the group or you may keep it private. It’s your choice, but use this time to let some pain go.” She handed each camper a journal and they began writing.
C. J. said, “I don’t want to write a letter. Can I write a poem or something like that?”
“Yes, just write what you want,” said Cindi.
This is what C. J. wrote:
Shadows surround me on all sides. I want to sleep away everything….My memories threaten to engulf me in shadows forever. I sit up night after night thinking and trying to keep the shadows at bay, but they still creep into the corners of my life and eyes. Even sheer torture can’t make them go away. Sometimes, I wish I could just sleep it away, but even my dreams remind me of everything that happened in my past. My only dream is to have a real family with no worries. But I know it will never happen. My worries will never go away and neither will the shadows. So I guess it will be alright. I’m trying to put the past behind me and be happy, but my happiness is fading away.
C. J. closed her journal and handed it back to Cindi. “Would you like to share?” Cindi inquired.
“No, it’s okay. You can read it, but I don’t want anyone else to,” she replied.
I wonder what she meant by wishing she had a real family, Cindi thought.
“So what do your initials stand for?” asked Cindi.
“Christina Janis. I was named after my Grandmother.”
“I like it; it’s pretty,” said Cindi.
“Thanks,” said C.J. as she held a blank stare and sat down quietly.
Maria was writing what seemed to be a book. She obviously had a lot to say, and she was eager to share, which surprised Cindi.
Dear Sis, she wrote…
I’m sor
ry for making you do all my chores, taking out my frustration out on you, and hassling you about our father, and step-father. I’m sorry for abandoning you, mom, and my wife.
Your sad excuse for a brother,
Martin
“I know I’ll never get a letter that this one from him,” she mumbled and then continued with her next letter.
Dear Maria,
I’m so ashamed for leaving you, your stepfather, and sister-in-law. I was just so stressed out with your brother being gone that I panicked. I just want you to know that no matter where life takes you, I’m proud of you and I love you.
Your mom,
Maranda Marks
“I can stop now even though I have more,” said Maria.
“No that’s okay. Get it all out. Keep on reading what you’ve written,” said Cindi.
“Are you sure?”
Nodding, Cindi said,” I’m sure. Not everyone is finished so you can read them quietly to C.J. and me if C. J. doesn’t mind listening.”
“I don’t mind,” returned C.J. who was still in a fog, obviously thinking about other things.
Dear Maria,
This is Sasha, your sister-in-law. I wanted to apologize for slapping you. For some reason, I thought it was your fault that your brother left. I only know now how frightened you must have felt, with your mom and brother leaving you with only your step-father and sister-in-law. I am so sorry. Can you forgive me?
Sasha Madonna Marks (Greensburg)
“What happened to your sister-in-law?”
“She is still living at our house. My brother joined the Air Force and didn’t tell anyone he had done it until the day he left. He didn’t want to upset anyone and wanted to enjoy the time he had left, so he kept it quiet until the day he left which was a bad idea because his leaving almost destroyed our family. I wish he would have talked about his decision before he just up and joined and then left. It was really a terrible day.”
“Hopefully everything will work out, and he will be back safe and sound,” said Cindi.
“This one is to my brother. I always told him and everyone I hated him, but it’s not true. Really, I love and miss him. I just felt so sad he abandoned me and our family. It hurts,” said Maria. Cindi nodded because she understood.
Martin,
I don’t quite get why you left. Was it something I did? Well, in the end I don’t think it matters. You’re gone and I have to cope with that. However, I want to write you as much as I possible to know where you are and such! Even though you left, I love you!
M.M. Marks
“This last one is to my mom. It’s short and to the point.”
Dear Mom,
I forgave Martin. However, you left me totally alone. I will forgive you in time, and I want to write you more than twice a week. I will forgive you in time!
Maria
Cindi thanked Maria for her willingness to share so much.
Jacob said he didn’t say much but that his letter was from his sister and that in his letter she apologized for taking all her issues out on him. “I wrote her back and said it was okay and that I knew she was moving out soon, and I wished her good luck in the future. That’s all it said,” Jacob concluded. “It wasn’t much, but that’s all I had to say.”
“Thanks for sharing. Who wants to be next?” asked Cindi.
Cody said, “I’ll read mine. It’s from an old girlfriend, someone not as awesome as Luna,” he said with a wink.
Dear Cody,
I’m sorry for breaking up with you and going out with that ugly person named Judan; he is totally a nitwit. You’re so sweet, and I want you back. I miss your eyes that shine like sapphires in the sun and your hair that floats in the air like a plane flying in the clouds. And all your cheesy pick up lines. This is what I have to say; I want you back. Will you go back out with me?
Love,
Kaitlyn
“Then I wrote a letter back to her. She really hurt my pride and didn’t deserve me. I still miss her though. She was the only girl who broke up with me. I am always the one who breaks up first. I guess I’m still not over her. Here’s what I would say to her if she tried to get back with me.”
Dear Kaitlin,
I’m glad you realized that Judan was totally wrong for you but it’s too late. You had your chance. I have moved on. I mean I will miss your sweet voice that keeps me going every morning and your angelic smile that only God could make. You broke my heart, so now I will break yours.
Not in Love anymore!
Cody
“Then I pretended she wrote me back again,” said Cody who was getting into the letter writing activity.
Dear Cody,
Why would you do that to me? I just poured my heart out to you, and you rejected me. How could you? We could have had it all… love, humor, and loyalty.
Not your friend,
Katie
“Is there more?” asked Cindi.
“Yes, there’s just a little more,” said Cody.
Dear Katie,
I didn’t know you felt that way, but it’s still too late. I mean I love you. You’re amazing, but I can’t trust you. You already broke up with me once. Goodbye Kaitlin, don’t ever talk to me again.
Your X-friend,
Cody
“How do you feel?” asked Cindi.
“Actually better. It made me feel good to have her beg me to come back.”
“Can I go next?” asked Luna, who was feeling jealous over Cody’s feelings for Kaitlyn.
“Sure, go ahead.” said Cindi.
“Okay here goes. This is from my boyfriend, Hunter. We have been going out for about three months,” said Luna. This was a lie, but she was hoping it would get to Cody. In reality, Hunter was a boy Luna had liked, but he had never liked her back.
“I thought you were in love with Cody?” said Eugene.
“Eww no,” said Luna. Again she wasn’t truthful. She still liked him and carried the little red fox he gave her around like it was a real pet. She hoped her letter from Hunter would make him jealous. She tried not to look towards Cody as she began reading, but her eyes looked in his direction and then quickly down to her letter.
Dear Luna,
You are amazingly beautiful and smart. You are as bright as the sun. Funny like a comedian; you make me laugh. Adventure and your strong nature are your friends. You are like a butterfly but you can get as angry as a mother bear trying to protect her cubs. You smile, laugh, and blush like no other girl I’ve met, but you have more pain and problems than I can handle. You have more flaws than anyone I’ve ever met. You can’t go into the water because of something that happened with your father two summers ago. You cry way too much. You expect me to listen to your problems when I don’t care. You get angry when I try to go hang out with my friends without you. Let me tell you this: you are worth less, you’re clumsy. You hate it when I don’t tell you when I’m going to call, but most of all you’re too into nature. Just go away and don’t come back. I never want to see you again.
Sincerely,
Hunter
Cindi interrupted, “Is that a letter you would like to receive, a letter where someone criticizes you?”
“No, I was writing what I wanted to hear and then without me thinking, it went back to what I’m used to hearing which is all criticism. Hunter calls me worthless and clumsy and tells me he never wants to see me again. Then, he gets lonely and wants to go back out with me and asks me to forgive him. I always think that things will be different, but he’s nice for a while and then quickly he turns back into the jerk he really is. I don’t understand myself. I always go back out with him which makes me feel like a loser.” Luna looked distant and held back her tears. She felt too embarrassed to look at Cody.
“I’m sorry you have been hurt so much,” said Cindi.
Not showing any sympathy, Sarah Beth spoke up next. “I really didn’t write much.”
“That’s okay. It doesn’t have to be long,” said Cindi.
> “Okay, it is from my mom and all she said was she was sorry for all the mean things she said and did to me. I really don’t want to read it out loud. I’m getting tired of all these letters. Can’t we do something fun?”
“Okay guys, you have done a good job. It’s time for bed,” said Cindi. “Tomorrow will be here before you know it and hopefully we can do something different, but you all need sleep. It’s been a stressful day and there are several of you who are injured and need to sleep and keep still.” There were some moans and groans but everyone except for Sarah Beth who was ready to sleep and give their feet a rest. Listening to the stillness of the night and watching lightning bugs fill the sky had a calming and mesmerizing effect. Within fifteen minutes, everyone was ready to call it a night.
**********