Men and women go out for different reasons. Make compromises. Guys, how about chew your food a bit, listen to her, and don’t watch TV. Ladies, please, 1/12th of a glass of wine doesn’t need to take 30 minutes to finish. Please. For the love of God drain that last sip and let’s get the hell out of there.
Chapter 12
Physical Attraction
Men find all kinds of women attractive. (Except for Sarah Jessica Parker) We like small, big, tall, short and everything in between. It really doesn’t matter. Some men even like women who are stumps. I call them “Stump People” (no arms or legs). I don’t but some do. Don’t hate.
Men find humor in women attractive just as long as she is not funnier than him. We want to be the funny ones and it threatens us. We’d never pass all physical attributes over humor. We’d never say, “Hey Brad, I met this girl. She looks like a walking colon with lipstick but she is really funny. I think I want to ask her out to split a cherry coke and slice of peace pie.”
Men can fall in love with women without even speaking to them.
Men usually come in two types. (We actually have “Stump People” too but for purposes of this book we will stick with the main two.) Men are either “nice guys” or “assholes”. Unfortunately, women many times prefer the latter. The nice guys don’t get it. The assholes really don’t care either way. The nice guys call women the next day after the date but women yawn and let it go to voicemail. The assholes don’t call women back and the women are devastated. Caveman dealt with this. Men will be dealing with this in the year 4041 too and beyond.
Let’s open the can
Women need to get to know men before they like them. Most times after the first sentence they know whether or not a relationship could bloom. If they are unsure, women like the option of keeping men around just in case they change their mind.
As for women liking assholes, I may have broken the code. I think women like a challenge. They like things that are opposite of what they really want to challenge themselves to see if they can mold the man into what they think he should be. Tip for the ladies. He will always been an asshole. Always. Please don’t “hang onto” the “good times” when three years ago he brought you flowers that were probably intended for his mom but he forgot she was allergic.
There are endless asshole men out there. And there are endless stupid women out there as well. I’ve actually created a mathematical formula: For every asshole male (AM) there is a dumb female to like him (DF).
If I’ve learned anything in life, there is someone for everyone. Right now two stumps are sitting somewhere (or were placed someone) watching the sun go down over the ocean hoping the tide doesn’t wash them in.
It has been proven that any semi-attractive man who is funny has a pretty good chance to snag a nice looking lady. I did.
Chapter 13
Grooming
Men have it made. Jeans. T-shirt. Sneakers. Done. We own deodorant, (that smells like “Fall Timber Rock” what ever that means) a bar of soap, and shampoo that lasts 37 months. We can be ready in 10 minutes to go anywhere (beach or black tie event) plus have time to pick at either food or jam a finger in our nose or down our pants. Because life has afforded us this luxury we have become impatient. We don’t understand why anyone would need to plan to leave the house.
There have been plenty of times I’ve asked my wife, “Do you want to take a ride to the store” and you would think I asked her scoop her ovaries out with a rusty grapefruit spoon. Tip for the gentleman. They need time to get ready. Plan ahead. Tip for you ladies. We like you the way you are. Put your hair up in a ponytail or put a ball cap on and throw on some sweat pants. You are cute the way you are. If you are worried you’ll run into someone who cares? We don’t. Relax.
Let’s open the can
Women like to plan. They have tons of outfits for different “moods”. Men will never understand how your mood could affect what you wear but men left that question unanswered about 200 years ago. You have 25 different bathroom soaps, poufy sponges, and makeup in small casket cases. Women like to be put together when they go out because they are certain they will run into the homecoming queen from high school 15 years ago and they will have nose hairs long enough to braid.
As much as men dislike waiting for women to get ready it is worth the wait because you always look good. Even you stump people in your onesie shirt/pant thing look good. (This is a judge free book)
Women are amazing suitcase packers for vacation. Two years ago my wife checked the luggage I packed for an upcoming trip to Puerto Rico and I had not packed any underwear. She however had eight pairs of jeans for a 4-day trip. Eight. For those who don’t know Puerto Rico is a tropical island. (Am I being condescending?) After a “discussion” and me running my hands through my hair I ended up taking out 2 shirts of the luggage and she added a 9th pair of jeans. (I thankfully jammed in some underwear too.)
Chapter 14
Number One and Number Two
Men can go to the bathroom anywhere. Sure our anatomy makes it easy, but we can go anywhere. But some men take it too far. I shake my head in horror of those men who drop “trou” at the urinal or even worse lean forward and put both hands on the wall in front of them as if waiting to be frisked after being arrested.
Men don’t care about noises or smells in any bathroom either. We will even fart right next to someone while washing our hands. The unwritten code is to avoid eye contact. Never look at anyone in the eye, do not look in any mirror, and you will be fine.
Let’s open the can
Women are different. All the stars must be lined up to use a public bathroom. Sometimes they will have a friend “scope out” the bathroom prior to using it. If the “situation” is not ideal they will either drive up to 100 miles home to use the bathroom at home or hold it in. To confirm I did say “situation” or as some of them say “Sitch” or “What’s the sitch?”. Women will always choose a painful full bladder over and an unsatisfactory public bathroom. Archeologists have found cave drawings of a Neanderthal woman crossing her legs near what looked like a dirty hole in the ground. Side note: Does anyone know why women always have to pee?
Chapter 15
In between number one and number two
Men are always 5 minutes away from a fart. We physically and emotionally can’t hold one in. It would destroy us. A group of men will compliment each other on the length and severity of smell. Ladies, please don’t yell at us by saying, “Hector, really? Or, “Oh my God, Hector…that fucking stinks…mucho.” Also please do not say while sniffing and tilting your head to the side, “Hector, did you just fart?” If birds are dropping from the sky you already know the answer. Please don’t ask us a stupid question.
Please understand ladies our farts tell you that we feel we can be ourselves around you. We feel comfortable. If a man does not fart in a woman’s presence there is something wrong in the relationship. (Or he is a stump man who can’t fart.)
Men very much understand that it is not fair that it is “socially unacceptable” for a woman to fart. It’s just what it is. I compare this unfairness to a man’s necktie. One of man’s worst creations. I can’t help but think whoever invented this fashion took pleasure in human suffering or had an ugly neck he wanted to cover up.
Let’s open the can
Women fart. Modern medicine confirms this. I have a female friend who is a “healthy yoga nut” and can (and does) fart all the time. Since she eats so well they are useless and odorless. She is so comfortable with herself she will add “Hhmmm that was a good one”. She also has the nickname “Stains” for a related incident, which I will not go into detail in this book. Men believe women hold in their farts all day then go somewhere unknown to pass their gas.
Even knowing what we know, men believe women do not fart or poop. They just don’t.
Chapter 15
Validation
Men very rarely need to feel validated. Despite a pat on the back or a high five we really don’t care. Men would never say “Brad, you told me last week you switched from Head & Shoulders to Prell. You can really tell the difference.” Not only would I not care about Brad’s hair but also Brad doesn’t in the slightest bit care. The reality is that not only would Brad not share this but if he did the other man would not be listening. Besides, Brad washed his hair to get clean not to be validated. Because men don’t care, we often forget to validate the ladies. Tip for the gentlemen: Tell your significant other something nice. For example “I like your shirt today. That is a nice color on you.” Try to do that often.
Let’s open the can
Women like to be validated. They like when they get a compliment from anyone. “Gretchen – I really like your shirt – it is super cute.” Getting this compliment makes the purchase all worth the while. Women love to be told they look good, smell good, etc. They need to be constantly reinforced. Tell a woman she looks nice and it will make her happy for hours.
The more, the better. If they don’t get validation they feel something is wrong. If a woman doesn’t hear from her friend for a week she thinks “something is wrong” or they are “in a fight”. In this instance they will need to “talk about it”. Men can go without hearing from a friend for 10 years and get a call and just pick up where they last left off. Tip for you ladies: Just because men didn’t tell you that you were beautiful in the last 48 hours doesn’t mean we changed our mind. Get a grip.
Reflection
If we can make anything of this book, it is that men and women are wired differently. We are not human electricians and cannot rewire ourselves. What we can do is, at the very least, make the effort to try and understand the wires. Meet in the middle and see how the other one ticks.
It all goes back to the toilet seat being up and down. Tip for the gentlemen – just put the seat down. You honestly don’t care either way. Tip for you ladies – you are a big girl. Just pull the seat down if it’s left up and ask yourself if it’s really that big of a deal???
In 1,000 years when the technology is available at birth this book will be planted inside the heads of future humans.
Even the stump people will get it.
THE END
Copyright © 2013 by Michael W. Ormsby
www.thinkormsby.com
Cover Art by Lacy Martin
www.etsy.com/people/LacyMartin
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher, addressed “Attention: Permissions Coordinator,” at the address below.
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