“Is this the same Tarah you and Damon used to play with every day?”
“Yeah. How’d you know about that?”
“Your momma and I have always kept in touch. By the way, you and Tarah should probably bunk in my room since it’s just about the only space we’ve got left by now. She’s short enough that she should be able to fit on the loveseat in there without much trouble. You okay with a pallet on the floor beside her?”
I nodded, turning my mug around and around in silence, the sleeping arrangements the last thing on my mind at this point.
“Okay, so you saved the girl, you saved her dad, you saved a whole bunch of others, and you got ‘em all here in one piece. You ought to be grinning like the Cheshire Cat right about now. So what’s with the long face?”
I sighed. “This situation’s no good for Tarah, but I don’t know what to do or even if I can do anything. She needs to be with her family. I’d try to change her mind about staying with this group if I thought she’d listen. But she’s way too hardheaded. She thinks she’s lucky to have been mistaken for an outcast and thrown into the internment camp and forced to go on the run with them. Like it's some big career making opportunity for her or something.”
I looked up at her, expecting to see some sympathy on her face. Instead she was scowling at me.
"You make having a little ambition sound like a sin," she said.
"Well, it's certainly nothing worth risking your life over."
"Sometimes a little ambition can be just what you need to drive you to do the great things in life. You think I would have ever hooked up with your grandpa if not for my wanting to help lead the way towards a better world for all of us?"
I remembered the crazy story of how they met, my grandfather a legal aide in the district attorney's office rushing up the courthouse steps late for a trial and bumping into my rabble rowsing grandmother as she led a protest for women's rights.
"Things are different now, Grandma," I muttered. "You can't just go out and protest and make a difference anymore."
"Don't I know it. Your grandpa's probably rolling in his grave over what we've done with our country's so-called democracy lately."
“What I don't get is why people aren’t trying to do something to stop the government.” I settled back in my stool, crossing my arms over my chest.
“But you did. You freed an entire camp of Clann people.” She beamed at me like I was two years old and had just learned how to walk right before her very eyes.
“That was one camp. There’s probably hundreds of them all over the country. I can’t free them all. We need a change in how the masses think about the Clann in order to force the politicians to change. Why isn’t the media covering these camps and showing everyone what’s really going on inside them?”
“You said Tarah wants to be a journalist. There’s your first inroad with the media.”
I glared at her. “I meant someone other than her.”
“Because she’s not good enough?”
My scowl deepened. “Because it’s not safe for her.”
She snorted. “Sounds like she begs to differ.”
Since glaring at my grandma wasn’t changing anything, I stared gloomily down at my mug instead.
She let out a heavy sigh. “As for stopping the government, well, normally I’d be the first one to advocate that we get a team of lawyers and take this all the way to the Supreme Court if we had to. But the world’s gone mad, Hayden. Things are crazier than I’ve ever seen them, and that’s really saying something. I imagine you haven’t seen the news in a while?”
I shook my head. We hadn’t even listened to the radio, sticking with CDs or an oddly comfortable silence instead.
“People are dying out there now,” she said. “Right there in America’s streets, trying to fight our government over this Clann crackdown. But it’s like trying to stop a tsunami. The more the Clann people fight back for freedom, the more the government and the media portray us as a danger to everyone else’s safety. Now the whole world’s split right down the middle, and either you’re with the government or you’re a threat that has to be locked up and hidden away as soon as possible.”
Her mug shook as she lifted it for a slow sip of tea. She had to use both hands to set it down on the counter again. The dull thud was loud in the kitchen, which was silent except for the ticking of the grandfather clock in the dining room. “No one’s listening to reason out there anymore. All they know is fear and hate.”
A too familiar anger warmed back to life in the pit of my stomach. “What happened to the Bill of Rights and all that? I mean, Tarah and her dad weren’t even given a chance to call a lawyer or anything when they got arrested. The soldiers just assumed she and her dad were Clann too, pumped them full of drugs and locked them up with the rest of them.”
“That's because the police and the military don’t have to worry about first amendment rights anymore. The Patriot Act lets them arrest anyone even remotely suspicious, and if you side with the Clann, that definitely makes you suspicious. No such thing as freedom of speech, freedom of the press, or freedom of religion now when it comes to protecting the U.S. government. To them, talking about using magic is the same as if you were talking about assassinating the president herself. There’s no guaranteed phone call, no promise of legal representation. Heck, if someone even demonstrates an ability to use Clann abilities in public, that’s seen as equal to trying to set off a nuclear weapon. You can be shot on sight now for that. The Supreme Court can’t rule fast enough to overturn even a hundredth of what our government’s pulling every single second of the day. Your grandpa would have worked himself into another heart attack over this mess if he hadn’t already passed away.”
We stared at each other as I tried to take in this crazy new world she said we lived in now. But I couldn’t. I’d grown up like every other kid in America with my hand proudly over my heart every morning in elementary school as I practiced saying the Pledge of Allegiance. For years, I’d been taught all about America’s history...how we were a country made up of religious and cultural misfits who’d come to these shores to escape the tyranny of other countries’ restrictions. How the Bill of Rights was sacred, how the government’s system of checks and balances ensured that we’d never be in the kind of situation we were now in, because if the president and Congress went out of whack, the Supreme Court would set them straight again. What happened to “give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free”? They might as well tear down the Statue of Liberty at the rate our fear-crazed government was headed.
Grandma Letty patted my forearm, making me notice how tightly my muscles had cramped up. “Don’t lose hope yet. America’s been through a whole lot of crap, as you younger generations like to say, and she’s pulled through it all before. We made it through McCarthyism, didn’t we? With enough people like Tarah out there, we’ll make it through this phase too. Or as your Grandpa Mathew used to be fond of saying, ‘this too shall pass.’”
I remembered how Tarah had argued so hotly in World History class with Kyle, despite how it made her look like a Clann member. “You don’t understand. Tarah doesn’t have much of an off switch on her mouth. What she believes, she preaches everywhere to everyone within hearing distance. Even if we got a lawyer to clear her of the existing charges, she’d probably find a way to rile somebody else up. She’ll wind up right back in jail again.” Or worse.
“Then maybe it’s a good thing you saved her when you did. Maybe being with this group is exactly where she needs to be for awhile until things simmer down out there.”
“But I don’t want her with this group!”
It was insanely dangerous for her to be here. She could be arrested anytime, anywhere as soon as she was recognized. What was I supposed to do, keep her hidden away like some caged animal for her own protection? Like Tarah would even let me do that in the first place. Besides, spells and disguises failed, and criminals got caught after decades of being i
n hiding for making mistakes as simple as driving with a headlight out. And even if Tarah did keep quiet about her beliefs and we got her name cleared, she’d never be truly happy like that. She’d feel driven to stand up for the innocents being imprisoned and slaughtered all around her. It was part of who she was.
How could I keep Tarah safe for long in a world as far gone as my grandma described?
A sane person would cut his losses. He’d see how useless this was. He’d walk away and let Tarah find her own path through life.
But I admired Tarah for her beliefs and the way she stood up for them. She was only telling the world what a lot of the rest of us wished we were brave enough to say. She acted when everyone else was too scared to. She shouted back when everyone else was hunkered down hiding out in the corner.
She was a lot like Damon.
The problem was Damon had died for his beliefs. And Tarah could end up the same way.
“I’ll have to find some way to change her mind, make her see reason and help find her parents for her to hide with instead.” At least if she hid with them, she might be motivated to stay out of trouble for their sakes.
A creak on the stairs had me twisting to look over my shoulder, but nothing was there. I turned back and scrubbed both hands over my tired, gritty eyes.
“You look awfully miserable every time you talk about sending her away,” Grandma said.
I leaned heavily on my forearms against the countertop, using the polished granite to hold me upright. It felt like the entire house was pressing down on me. “Because I don’t really want her to go. At least when she’s where I can see her with my own two eyes, I know for sure she’s alright. But sending her back to her parents is what’s safest for her. Right?”
“Hmm.”
I looked at her in silent question.
“You know, I might just have a solution to help both Tarah and the rest of your group. But it needs refining.”
That didn’t sound good. “What are you—”
“Nope.” She gave a single, firm shake of her head. “Don’t even try to pry it out of me tonight. I’ll tell you all about it once I’ve worked out the kinks, maybe tomorrow sometime. Until then, why don’t you just go get yourself a shower and some sleep because frankly, my dear, you smell and look awful. We’ll talk more tomorrow. Now scoot.” She made shooing motions with her hands, and warily I gave in. There was nothing more dangerous than a plotting Shepherd, especially one with as long a history of activism as my grandma. Unfortunately, there was also nothing harder to crack. She’d tell me when she was good and ready to, and not a second before.
I waved goodnight then pulled myself up the stairs and down the hall past five doors that couldn’t quite hold in the sounds of exhausted snoring. The sixth door was slightly open, spilling out a narrow beam of light. I pushed it open and found an angel in a flowing white gown busy spreading a sheet over a loveseat.
Tarah
I stuffed the sheet in around the edges of the loveseat’s flower print cushions in Grandma Letty’s huge bedroom, my back teeth clenched so hard the sides of my face hurt.
I couldn’t believe Hayden had just said all that stuff about me. And worse, he’d said it to his grandma.
After finishing my shower, I had headed down the stairs, intending to join them in the kitchen. Halfway down the staircase, I’d heard them say my name. So I had stayed on the stairs and listened for awhile instead.
I should have gone right back upstairs.
The loveseat finished, I moved on to making a pallet on the floor in front of it. As I turned around to grab the stack of sheets and blankets I’d found in the hallway’s linen closet, movement in the bedroom’s open doorway made me glance that way and freeze. Hayden was standing there staring at me with a weird expression on his face, as if he’d never seen me before or something.
“What?” I asked.
He looked from me to the pile of linens at my feet and back again with a frown. “How did you know Grandma Letty wanted us to bunk in here with her?”
“After my shower, I was going to join you guys in the kitchen. But then I heard what y’all were saying and decided I didn’t want to butt in after all.”
“Okay.” He said it slowly, still frowning. After another minute of silence, he said, “I guess I’ll grab a shower then.”
“Great. Enjoy.” I flopped back onto the loveseat and jerked my comforter into place over me.
A few seconds later I heard the bathroom door shut and the shower turn on, leaving me with only the moonlight from the window behind the sofa to light the room. In the darkness, I replayed what I’d overheard, wondering if I’d misunderstood. But the words only stung me all over again. No, I hadn’t misunderstood anything. I’d heard him loud and clear.
Obviously I had completely misread Hayden. I thought he was happy to have me around, or at least glad that we’d repaired our friendship and were working together to help a huge group of outcasts to freedom.
Apparently I was wrong.
His grandmother thought I could make a difference for the Clann's cause as a journalist. But according to Hayden, I was just some hardheaded crazy chick. Oh and let’s not forget my inability to…how had he put it? Switch off my mouth for my own safety?
The shower shut off. Cabinet doors squeaked open in the bathroom then thudded shut again.
I kicked my legs free of his grandma’s old fashioned and annoyingly long nightgown. Then I jumped to my feet, too restless to even hope for sleep. I paced around the bed, trying and failing to understand Hayden, trying and failing to forget the feel of his hand around mine as we’d run together across his backyard into the woods, and again in his truck as we’d viewed the icy waterfalls here in town.
How could he go from the one person on this earth whom I felt the closest to, to someone so completely unfathomable in the space of an hour?
I sat on the edge of the bed facing the bathroom door and waited, holding onto handfuls of the comforter at either side of me.
Finally the bathroom door opened. He froze there, dressed in his jeans and shirt, a towel hanging from one hand. Backlit from the bathroom’s light, his expression was unreadable in the shadows.
After a minute of silence, he finally cleared his throat. “Hey. You okay?”
His voice was even deeper than usual, gruff with some emotion I couldn’t label. Whatever it was, it worked across my nerve endings like a hand caressing my hair, trying to take away my anger.
“Did you mean it, what you just said to your grandma?” Though I was mad enough to want to shout the words at him, I fought to keep my voice low so I wouldn’t wake up anyone in the neighboring rooms.
He slowly scrubbed his wet hair with a towel, and my stomach knotted still further. “Uh, which part?”
“About how I should go home.”
“Yeah, I meant it. You should go home.”
So it was true. He did want to get rid of me. “Well, I’m not going to.”
“I know. Which is why I never tried to convince you to.”
“Oh, but you could tell your grandma how desperate you are to get rid of me.” I was shaking, I was so mad. But worse was how my eyes had begun to sting and my vision blur. Oh no, I refused to cry. Not now, not in front of him. He did not get to see how much his words hurt.
“That’s not what I meant. Obviously you left before hearing the end of the conversation or else you’d know that. I told her I don’t want to get rid of you. I just want you to be safe. But I can’t protect you as long as you’re with this group.”
My hands ached from clenching the comforter. I forced the muscles in my fingers to relax so I could drag my hands into my lap instead. “It’s sweet of you to want to protect me, but I’m not a little kid anymore, Hayden. It’s my decision to be here. It’s not your job to keep me safe. And just because you helped us out of that camp doesn’t mean you’re responsible for protecting these people, either. I respect your grandmother for taking us all in, but she’s got some seriously
warped expectations of you.”
Silence as he stood there for a long moment then turned away to hang up his damp towel in the bathroom. When he returned, he stopped so close before me that his legs almost touched my knees. “She has a point, though. When you save someone, a certain amount of responsibility does come with the territory—”
“That’s crap and you know it. You think firefighters and cops spend the rest of their lives taking care of every person they rescue on the job? You’re still free, Hayden, no matter what she says. These people will be just fine on their own now. You got them here and that’s enough. Grandma Letty can keep them safe while she helps them figure out a new game plan that has nothing to do with you. If she’s so proud of that Shepherd legacy of leadership, then let her fulfill it. You can leave here tomorrow and go anywhere and do anything you want.”
Frowning, he crossed his arms over his chest and rocked back on his heels, staring down at me, his gaze slowly moving over my face. “What about you? Are you really going to stick around and see what happens next?”
I nodded. “I need to know the ending to their story before I can write it.”
“And then what? Once they’ve all moved on, what will you do then?”
“I don’t know. Find my parents, I guess.” My stomach knotted at the thought. “Or maybe see if I can join Jeremy overseas.” But the knot remained in my stomach. “Or maybe I’ll follow one of the outcast families and see what the life of a Clann family in hiding is like. Could be a good follow up story. What I do next isn’t the point, though, so quit worrying about it. The point of this conversation is you and helping you see that you’re not tied down to anyone else’s plans for you.”
“You’re one to talk. Who was it that ended our friendship because your mother demanded it?”
“Exactly! I learned this lesson the hard way. I gave up everything that mattered the most to me because of what somebody else wanted. I don’t want to see you make the same mistake. That’s why you’ve got to learn that it’s okay for you to be selfish now and think about what you want, not what your dad or mom or even your grandma wants. Live your life, not the one they want for you, so you don’t have to look back at your life with regret.”